Isles of Zodiac Chapter 1
It was a bright, sunny day. My sister said, “This will be the day the sun will never rest.” The day of Beauty and the day my life changed, but I guess before I start there, we should go back to the beginning. It was May 30, 3890, my twin sister’s birthday.
She was celebrated throughout the entire Isle of Gemini, but everybody forgot about me. I was different from my twin, Callena. I was serious, where she was fun and outgoing. I got in trouble, while she was like miss perfect. She was our parents favorite, but they tolerated me like I was there, but not there at all. This is the society we live in. You are born into this world and then torn away from your family to live on an Isle based entirely on your Zodiac. My sister and I were special because we were twins, so we have the same Zodiac and we look-alike so they couldn’t hide us from each other. So, we had feelings for each other, but we were different in every way. But, I loved her more than anything, she was my big sister by just three and half minutes.
It was her special day the day she turned 18, she would get chemically paired with someone to have sex with and have a baby to carry on the nation. It was also the day my man would get picked, but everybody forgets about me and I don’t even think they remember that I am also 18. I was just so bored and just wanted to be anywhere, but at this party. Everybody from every Isle was here to see her and even the council was here to judge her and choose her mate for her today. I entertained her guests for about an hour and then I left for the garden in the back of the Isle house. I started to walk around just sniffing the flowers and then I realized I wasn’t the only one in the garden.
I looked around and saw a man probably around my age. He looked bored just like me. He didn’t spot me until I was right next to him. I had never seen him before so it was obvious he was not a Gemini. “Hey, pretty lady, you just going to stand there all night just staring at me or are you going to talk,” he said. I blushed standing there shocked still I could not believe that someone was even talking to me.
“I see I have you tongue tied, Delphinia.” he said. I was even more shocked that he knew my name. “Well since you aren’t going to talk----” I cut him off before he could finish his statement. “How did you know it was me?” “How could I not know it was you? You are very different from your twin and I doubt your twin would’ve left her own party.” he smirked at me. I shook my head in disbelief. He chuckled and then said, “It also helps that I’ve known you for a lot of years.” My jaw dropped, What did he mean he knew me for a lot of years, I pondered in my head.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
heya! I have some feedback for your story (please don't take it personally, I'm hoping to help you improve your work!)
- these characters seem too extreme. it sounds as if Callena is an all-around perfect gal with no flaws whereas the other twin is an absolute outcast that is misunderstood and disliked by her peers, which isn't a very good way to portray them. I feel like they could be developed a bit better, perhaps make Callena have some kind of flaws and boost up the MC's character a bit! there's no way she can be absolutely hated and ignored by everyone in a society like this her entire life (she could FEEL this way, of course, but that doesn't make it true!), especially if she's a twin of a girl who is held in such high regard.
- the grammar in this part could definitely be improved. this huge paragraph with no breaks anywhere makes it bulky and difficult to read, and there are a few bits where there are a lack of commas and quotation marks as well as run-on sentences.
other than that, I am interested to see where this will go! just like FantasyWriter76, I am a fan of all things Zodiac as well, and I would love to see where you'll take this story!
happy writing!
Thanks for your feed back you are right about the grammar and I do see how they are too extreme hopefully I can edit it better now that I am not in a rush. Thanks for reviewing my work.
Hey, FantasyWriter76, or Fantasy76 if you preferred, here to review this series since I saw it in the Green Room. I like to focus on positives, but can be very descriptive of the negatives. I may also nitpick, so if you don't like anything or find it insulting, I apologize in advance and you can ignore it.
The Positives:
I love myself some Zodiac! It's one of my favorite things to learn about, so seeing a story based almost entirely on a Zodiac dynamic really gets me excited. Also, cliffhangers! Always a great way to create intrigue and leave readers wanting more. I think the characters are pretty good, and this whole Utopia-vibe feels good. But some of these positives segway to...
The Negatives (Remember: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!):
Firstly, I'd like to talk about the more nitpicky stuff so that it's out of the way. There are some examples of bad spelling, bad capitalization, and nonexistent punctuation. Like "I was different from my twin, Callena. I was serious were she was fun and outgoing." The sentence with 'were' should have said word replaced with the word 'where'. Also, you should have added a comma after serious.
Secondly, execution of the plot. The two characters, Callena and *unnamed* are practically the same character, except one is Mary Sue, while the other has the worst luck in the universe. Characters with good dynamics aren't as simple as 'this person is perfect and this one isn't'.
Also, the length, exposition, and cliffhanger aren't executed too well. The length is short, about 1 1/2 paragraphs. The exposition goes on and on without form and the cliffhanger is too early. We don't even know our protagonist's name! It is also poorly punctuated.
I like the idea here, but you need to execute it better. This series has potential, you just got to work on its presentation. I rate this story 3.5 Isles of Gemini out of 5 (3.5/5). This was Fantasy76, and I say to you farewell.
-FantasyWriter76 (Fantasy76)
Thank you for this review I literally read the grammar and I was like holy crud that sucked I was in a rush lol.