At the time we still had the virtue of our youth
we would fearlessly fight and strive
upon the name of our imminent future.
And yet, here we are all mature and grown,
seeking consolation
among shredded pieces of delight
our beloved past left behind.
Absence, loss and abandonment
of dreams and hopes and ideas.
Nostalgia I believe they call it
what a delicate little thing.
The pain that comes with the remembrance
of our youthful possessions.
We hold a fragile affection towards them,
a sacred space in our cold hearts,
dedicated to our precious past.
Way back when we were so thoughtlessly thrilled
with the idea of dedicating our souls
to a battle fought for a nameless future.
The same future that so swiftly turned into a dull present.
And so we are left here
right where we first started
with nothing more but stories to tell.
For we are all impartially slaves of a ruthless master
that does favors to none.
A master we shall never escape
nor manage to hide from.
For time is our true creator and destroyer,
the only God that no one ever dared to doubt.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello, kostia!
First let me say welcome to YWS since it looks like you're fairly new to the site! And second... Wow! This just hit me like a ton of bricks! I loved it! Even though I'm not a fan of free-verse or not following standards when it comes to writing poetry, I liked this greatly, and I think you possess a natural talent for it.
The ending was brilliant, and I believe you're very true. No one doubts what they can see changing before them everyday, and yet there are many things we doubt. Me believing in God felt this strike a cord with me because it's so real.
Anyways, even though I have no criticism I feel like you well deserved the praise! Keep up the good work!
~Ruby
Thank you so much! I m glad you liked it.
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review, as promised!
So I noticed that you're new to the site, and I welcome you. With that I wanted to note that the Publishing Center messes up the formatting of poetry on the site. It seems that before this, or before you posted, there were stanzas in this poem. One way to get stanzas is to line all of your lines up and then after the end of a line, to create a line break, hit shift+enter at the same time. The other way you can signify the end of a stanza is through a dash or something similar to ~ in-between stanzas and the reader will most likely understand. If stanzas weren't intended for this poem though, take this in note for the future though I do think this could use some breaking up since the structure as we have it now isn't very advanced.
Moving on from the technical aspects of this poem a bit and more into the actual content, I'm actually pleasantly surprised by this poem and the execution of the ending! I found this to be stronger than I initially expected. I do believe that in terms of the aesthetic or look of this poem, this could be improved, though that's more general polishing than anything else. For example, I can see the last two lines being more effective if they're in their own separate stanza. There's something odd that I found: the vocabulary of this poem is strong, though the imagery isn't. At least, the imagery doesn't seem to be a main focus of yours.
If I were to pick those out, it'd have to be the theme and the emotional impact that exists in the phrasing of your lines. I'm glad we have a theme to build around (even though a poem doesn't have to be built around a theme necessarily) though I felt this to be a little lacking in regards to other poetic elements or devices.
This poem is very endrenched in philosophical thoughts, which is an aspect I enjoy, I just wish these thoughts could be backed up or supported by imagery or description. More specifically, some sort of poetic devices such as metaphor or simile to help the reader understand what you're attempting to get across. Overall, this is a nice read that needs more focus on the structure and some general polishing, though as I said, I like what's here and the later drafts are hopefully even stronger!
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Thank you for the review!
And yes there were stanzas...thank you for the tip, this is really helpful I had no idea
Hey. Congratulations on a brilliant poet. Your style of writing's powerful, one that carries forward the force of your thoughts strongly. I am not a professional enough to give you ideas and advice on how to better your work, but I'd say that 'For the time is our true creator and destroyer, the only God that no one ever dared to doubt.' - this was the best line in the entire poem. Keep writing.
Thank you