Faking the smile that isn't there
For someone who doesn't Even care
When alone, cant help but cry
Because the pain you caused inside
Through with listening to your guiltless lies
Done with living this sorrowful life
So its time to let this poem die. . . .
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
VERY NICE !
The title just pulled me in ! I can connect to it a lot :].
Keep it up
Hey Kookie!
When writing poetry, you want to catch your read off guard. Make them a little off-balance, surprise them with the power of your words... make them drunk with pleasure, if I may use that metaphor. And you can do this by using powerful imagery and by presenting a situation that they can look at and say, "Wow. This is me."
Right now, you have an emotional moment, but it's really vague. The only conflict that is in the poem is emotional... there is no physical, tangible part about the poem, which makes it harder for the readers to connect with your poem. So change this around a bit! Make them care! After all, that's why people read poetry.
Also! Don't worry too much about rhyming. Many poems don't rhyme anyway. That isn't a bad thing, nor is rhyming poetry bad, but you don't have to end with the last two lines that you did.
Anyway, have fun revising!
That was very nice. I would do a proper review, but I have no idea how to review poetry
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Why does Even have a capital letter? You could delete 'even' all together, it makes the syllable count a little odd.I shall have a crack at it though, here goes;
Should be 'Because of the pain you caused inside'
maybe you should put 'you' instead of the comma, depends whether you have the even in the line before this or not.
it should read 'So it's time to let this poem die...'-only three dots!
I can also see three stanza's that distinguish the different parts of the story being told, and then you've got the last line all alone. I'm thinking you should separate the stanza's and add in another line just before the ending one, because if you don't it could take a while for the reader to get some of it (or at least it took me a while - maybe I'm just a little slow
So I'm thinking you write it kind of like this;
I think it's easier to read and understand this way, though the second last line (the one I added) isn't very good, and definitely not recommended for use-I also changed the last word to rhyme, though from the looks of things it's not meant to be a rhyming poem... oops
Hope my reviewing skills weren't too bad.