Volume 1: Chapter 2

by kman134

Published March 21, 2016

16+ Language

In Hoshi ha Tenchi ni Ochimasu

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

PreviousNext

Reiko was speechless; he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Up in the sky, hovering over his house, were two flying saucers, flashing a bright light down at him and Amalia. He looked back at Amalia and was surprised to see the glare on her face; clenching her fists, her face contorted as she was calculating the situation. Great, now what am I going to do? My ship’s is damaged, so I can’t escape and, probably, can’t use the ion cannons since they are damaged! Plus, I’ve already dragged a local in the whole ordeal; I have to think of something fast before this gets any worse! Turning her attention to the boy, she noticed how he was trembling from seeing the spacecrafts hovering in the sky, causing her expression to fade into concern.

W-wait a minute, who are these guys?! Reiko panicked, his mind racing and trying to comprehend it all. He thought: Oh god, this can’t be happening! Okay, try to remain calm, this might not be so serious…wait, did they call Amalia a princess? His eyebrow arched in reconciliation.

“Don’t worry, those are just scouts; they’re not much of a serious threat to your world,” she confirmed, reassuringly, flashing a warming smile at the young man. “That is, unless your planet has a global defense system that can counterattack this?”

“We don’t have anything like that! This isn’t Star Trek, or any other sci-fi movie!” he shouted with his eyes bulging. It was too much, not just him getting himself involved with a female alien that he unwillingly undressed and cared for, but he, somehow, attracted even more aliens that could potentially be Earth’s future conquerors! He can see it now, humanity in chains and forced to endure backbreaking labor for eternity by their alien overlords, and the person who let this all happened was Reiko Takahashi, the boy who brought the end of the world! Dying is one thing, but being remembered as a hated figure, but being remembered as the hated figure that destroyed human civilization is another! Taking in a deep breath, he turned back to the situation. He knew he couldn’t do anything about the flying saucers because he was only one man and didn’t have any weapon against the two scout ships hovering above Reiko’s house.

Then the ships announced again: “I repeat, Princess Amalia Jargandelfa of the Jargandelfa Empire, surrender yourself to the Amsenian Collective or we will apprehend you with extreme prejudice!” the front parts of the two ships revealed two cannons on both sides of each ship; it appeared that the two ships were preparing to fire. She bit her lower lip with a lot of pressure until it bled, revealing the red blood that trickled down her chin.

They had to do something and fast; suddenly, a white light began to glow from the windows of Reiko’s house, catching the attention of the two as they turned around in front of the house. Running into the house, Reiko and Amalia looked to see the sword in the shrine beginning to illuminate. “What in the name of the gods is that thing?” Amalia inquired, becoming in awe by the spectacle. It was a 60cm katana with a gold square shaped tsuba (hand guard), a green hilt with a diamond pattern on the sides, and had an authentic flower pattern on the black and amber scabbard.

“It’s my grandfather’s sword, but why is it glowing,” Hesitant; Reiko, slowly, reached for the sword, grabbing it and unsheathing it, becoming amazed by how the blade glowed even brighter; then, the brightness faded, reverting back to a regular blade; unbeknownst to Reiko, the sword came to life and dragged Reiko out of the house, causing him to scream while leaving a baffled Amalia behind.

Up in the shuttles, the scouts piloting them watched the house through their monitors as they communicated with each other, “She’s not coming out; what do we do, now?” asked the first scout. “It’s already too dangerous to be here, the Enforcer Core will interfere if we keeping wasting more time!” screamed the pilot. The people in both ships pale at the mention of that name; if they get caught doing this, even if they were ordered by the Amensian Collective to capture an enemy of war, not even their superior could save them from the Enforcer’s Elite, the Peacemakers, who are responsible for suppressing those who defy Galactic Rule.

“I say we fire a warning shot, maybe that will convince her to surrender; convert all energy to the proton cannons and aim them at that ‘eyesore’ in front of us; make sure we avoid completely destroying it since the princess is inside, will just fire at the top, and keep the blast radius under 40%!” ordered the second scout, referring to Reiko’s house. Just then, he saw something shining from, and outside, the front door. “Wait a minute, what the hell is that? There’s some kind of light coming from that construct.”

Flying out of the house, Reiko screamed as the sword brought him outside; suddenly, it stopped, with Reiko hanging onto the sword as it levitated him with a gap between Reiko's feet and the ground. Reiko wanted to get out of here as soon as he can, and more so when he looked at the cannons from the two ships, but there's a problem. What the hell! I can't let go of this crazy sword! Reiko panicked within his thoughts as even he try with all of his might, Reiko couldn't open his palm to release himself from the clearly abnormal Japanese sword. Once again, the sword began to move, this time spinning around, causing him to slash the blade at the air, and suddenly a tear made out of ethereal energy, literally ripped the sky behind the two ships. Within the tear looked like a scene from when one look at the night sky, with the bright stars illuminating the black space. The pilots gasped and screamed as the force of the wormhole sucked them in as it was like a black hole. In their ships, their thrusters couldn't handle the powerful force, as quickly it sent them flying into the space or the portal, and then the tear like portal closed behind them. Before anyone in either ship realized it, they found themselves in a sector of space that, fortunately for them, was in the outer reaches of Pluto. Confused on what just transpired, the pilots were at a lost in what to do. However, remembering that Princess Amelia is now on the planet called "Earth", they knew what their next course of action should be. “We better report this, immediately!” was the last thing they said before leaving the Sol System.

Reiko tried to comprehend all of this; his mouth was left wide open as a large droplet of sweat formed on the side of his head. “What the hell did I just do?” Reiko murmured; his eyes widened from astonishment. From out of nowhere, he ended up creating a wormhole that had just ate up two alien spaceships like it was nothing…

“Indeed, I like to know that, as well,” turning around, Reiko jumped when he saw Amalia’s head sticking out through the wall. Holy crap! Her head is sticking out of the wall of my house!

“What the…how are you even doing that?!” Reiko shouted, cringing in fright; stepping out of the wall, Amalia waltzed toward Reiko and stood in front of her.

Grabbing him by the hand, she said to him, “I’ll explain everything if you tell me what that was all about; come on, now, let’s return to your home.” That’s what I want to know! Reiko mentally sighed at Amalia’s response, which was what Reiko said before. Then, she dragged Reiko back into the house, completely ignoring his pleas and not giving him the chance to catch his footing.

30-minutes-later…

Walking up the staircase, Reiko guided Amalia into an unused room she was not familiar with, as it came with a single bed and drawer, “This is the guestroom; since your ship is pretty much burnt scrap and you have nowhere else to go, you’ll be sleeping in here until someone comes to get you.”

Walking over, Amalia sat on the edge of the bed before looking up and smiling. “Thank you, Reiko, this will suit me perfectly,” her voice having a hint of gratitude. To be honest, she actually thought Reiko would’ve abandoned her, or worse, hand her over to his world’s authorities since after she accidently crashed her ship in his backyard, attracted two of her enemies just a moment later, and almost got him involved with affairs that she would of regretted dragging him into, she’s overwhelmed with the thought that even despite endangering him like that, he still has it in him to care for her, let alone let her take shelter in his home!

Reiko’s cheeks turned a little red. “So, are you going to tell me what just happened a while back? What was up with those flying saucers?” he asked, becoming a little serious. Even though it’s not like him to turn his back on people…or aliens for that matter, Reiko couldn’t help but being careful about aiding this woman, as demonstrated before, the two flying saucers just appeared near his house out of nowhere!!! Even though he’s doing what’s right, he needed to know the big picture so that he can make sure to be ready for whatever danger befell him, and try to, even a little bit, maintain his normal life.

Amalia’s expression faded into a frown as she answered the boy’s question, “Alright, I guess it’s fair to tell you because of your generosity, I should inform you of the circumstances; as you already have known, I am from royal blood, a princess, as they called me, but no ordinary one, I am Amalia Jargandelfa, fourth princess of the Jargandelfa Empire, one of the most powerful factions in the galaxy; those scouts that appeared were from the Amensian Collective, another powerful faction. For a thousand years, the two have been at war with one another, fighting for control of the galaxy; as princess, I possess vast knowledge of every Jargandelfa military stronghold within, and outside, of our territories and what weak points exist.” That was when she began explaining everything in detail. “Before crashing on this planet, I was traveling back home within the imperial flagship, spending my time sitting and doing nothing; unbeknownst to me, we were under attack by a couple of the Collective’s fleets. My attendants attempted escort me to safety; however, the hatches to the escape pods were jammed and unable to open due as a result of the heavy fire that was done onto the ship; so, the only way to escape was by using one of the starfighters in the hanger. Once we made it, I put on a pilot suit and entered one of the fighters; unfortunately, I didn’t know how to pilot one, but with the help of my attendants, I, quickly, learned which control did what, and fly out of the flagship in hope of escaping.

Just then, two scout ships were sent chasing after me; I believed the reason how they knew it was me was because I was fleeing from the battle. Anyway, 3 light-years later, I was being tailed by the scouts until I crashed here, and that’s the whole story.”

“Deadpanned Reiko, looking at the princess with an aggravated glare. Three light-years she said! What the hell, that would of taken tens of trillions of kilometers to get here! Who knows how long that would take! She looks like she’s about my age for God’s sake! Wait a minute, you’re saying you were being chased by those two saucers for 3 light-years?!” Reiko talked calmly, surprisingly masking his already unbearable suppressed thoughts.

“Yeah.” Amalia said with nonchalant in her voice. Sigh, this is going to be harder than I thought! Reiko regretted mentally. As seeing this girl before him defied common sense ever since he’d met her, its best not to have it fit in any category he knows of.

Looking at the clock on the nightstand, next to the bed, Reiko gasped, shouting, “Oh crap, look what time it is; it’s already this late! I gotta get ready for bed!” right on the clock; it was already 2300PM. Reiko sprinted out of the room, shouting to Amalia without looking, “We’ll have to finish this conversation tomorrow; I have to get ready for bed!” leaving a bewildered Amalia alone as she smiled, gingerly, to herself. Yes; I suppose we will have to catch up on our conversation, tomorrow…Reiko! She mentally mused, her cheeks turning a little red from the mentioning of the boy’s name. Soon, the lights in the house wet out and all went silent from then on.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review Review · May 29, 2016

Hello and happy review day! :D

Reiko was speechless; he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Up in the sky, hovering over his house, were two flying saucers, flashing a bright light down at him and Amalia. He looked back at Amalia and was surprised to see the glare on her face; clenching her fists, her face contorted as she was calculating the situation.

Nice exciting opening here. I would do a new paragraph after this segment because you're going from Reiko's feelings and description to his thoughts.

Turning her attention to the boy, she noticed how he was trembling from seeing the spacecrafts hovering in the sky, causing her expression to fade into concern.

Reformat this sentence to give the verbs more power.
"She turned her attention to the boy and noticed he was trembling. She frowned in concern."
I would name them though instead of using the pronouns.
I also took out the "from seeing the spacecrafts" part because while she can assume that's why he's scared, she can't know that because she's not him.

“Don’t worry, those are just scouts; they’re not much of a serious threat to your world,” she confirmed, reassuringly, flashing a warming smile at the young man. “That is, unless your planet has a global defense system that can counterattack this?”

Is she responding to his panicked expression or to what he was just thinking? It's a little ambiguous. Maybe have her dialogue right after the action or weave his thoughts in with the action more to make that distinction a little more clear and a little smoother.

It was too much, not just him getting himself involved with a female alien

New paragraph here because you've gone from his dialogue to his processing of what's going on.

“What in the name of the gods is that thing?” Amalia inquired, becoming in awe by the spectacle.

New paragraph at the start of this dialogue. Also, don't be afraid to use simple dialogue cues like "said", "replied", or "asked". Even though they're used a lot, they work and they're fine. When you start to get fancy, it takes longer to read and you don't want people spending time on those types of words when you're trying to keep the momentum up. Also, "becoming in awe" feels a bit awkward to me. You could start a new sentence there and make the verb stronger like "She was in awe of the spectacle".

Hesitant; Reiko, slowly, reached for the sword, grabbing it and unsheathing it, becoming amazed by how the blade glowed even brighter; then, the brightness faded, reverting back to a regular blade; unbeknownst to Reiko, the sword came to life and dragged Reiko out of the house, causing him to scream while leaving a baffled Amalia behind.

This is a really long sentence. Can you find ways to break it up? I also feel like this should be slowed down a bit. I'm a little confused. The sword came to life and dragged him outside? How did that happen? Slow this down.

Flying out of the house, Reiko screamed as the sword brought him outside; suddenly, it stopped, with Reiko hanging onto the sword as it levitated him with a gap between Reiko's feet and the ground.

This a really long paragraph. Can you find any places to break it up a bit? Also, things seem to happen very quickly and I'm finding myself a bit confused with what is going on and how all of this is happening. I'm not a big sci-fi person, but still. It's one big thing after another and I think it's hard to keep up. You're doing a really nice job keeping up the emotional intensity and keeping the momentum going forward, but don't sacrifice detail for momentum.

Grabbing him by the hand, she said to him, “I’ll explain everything if you tell me what that was all about; come on, now, let’s return to your home.” That’s what I want to know! Reiko mentally sighed at Amalia’s response, which was what Reiko said before. Then, she dragged Reiko back into the house, completely ignoring his pleas and not giving him the chance to catch his footing.

30-minutes-later…

This ending felt a bit rushed and I don't really like transitions like this. Is there a reason why time needs to go forward in this way and is there a reason why they can't discuss this in the open? You could pass the time by showing their walk (or at least describing how they get to the house). If they can talk outside, then this explanation can happen during the walk. If they can't, then describe how they get there and Reiko's processing of what he thinks just happened.

Walking up the staircase, Reiko guided Amalia into an unused room she was not familiar with, as it came with a single bed and drawer,

This is another place you can make the verb stronger like I showed you earlier.

To be honest, she actually thought Reiko would’ve abandoned her, or worse, hand her over to his world’s authorities since after she accidently crashed her ship in his backyard, attracted two of her enemies just a moment later, and almost got him involved with affairs that she would of regretted dragging him into, she’s overwhelmed with the thought that even despite endangering him like that, he still has it in him to care for her, let alone let her take shelter in his home!

I'm assuming this was discussed or shown or something in the first chapter. (Don't know because I haven't read it). If that's the case, don't restate what happened here.

Amalia’s expression faded into a frown as she answered the boy’s question, “Alright, I guess it’s fair to tell you because of your generosity, I should inform you of the circumstances; as you already have known, I am from royal blood, a princess, as they called me, but no ordinary one, I am Amalia Jargandelfa, fourth princess of the Jargandelfa Empire, one of the most powerful factions in the galaxy; those scouts that appeared were from the Amensian Collective, another powerful faction. For a thousand years, the two have been at war with one another, fighting for control of the galaxy; as princess, I possess vast knowledge of every Jargandelfa military stronghold within, and outside, of our territories and what weak points exist.”

Does she really have to explain her whole life story to answer his question and give him the information he wants?

I think you could make that dialogue a lot more dynamic at the end by breaking it up with little actions like facial expression or shifting posture. You can also break it up with reactions from Reiko or his thoughts about what she is saying. That makes both of the characters more active in the scene and less like talking heads. It will also help your readers get to know them and relate to them better.

Overall, your writing is pretty good. I think you can slow down a bit and take the time to really show things that are happening and take your reader into the scene with you. Remember, we are new to your world :) Also, be careful not to give the reader too much information too soon. This is still early in your story, so leave some mystery that will make your reader want to read on.

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing, and please keep on writing! :D

User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · May 29, 2016

Hello!

Specifics

1.

My ship’s is damaged, so I can’t escape and, probably, can’t use the ion cannons since they are they're also damaged! Plus, I’ve already dragged a local into the whole ordeal; I have to think of something fast before this gets any worse! Turning her attention to the boy, she noticed how he was trembling from seeing the spacecrafts hovering in the sky, causing her expression to fade into concern.
The switch between the boy and the girl's thoughts in the same paragraph is really awkward. If you're going to have both of their view points, you need to break it up a bit more so that we can follow what's going on and who's thinking what. At least stick to one person's thoughts for the most part and have the other interpret what the other characters are thinking. Then you can switch who's perspective you're using in the next chapter and clear up anything the other character got wrong.

2.
He can see it now, humanity in chains and forced to endure backbreaking labor for eternity by their alien overlords, and the person who let this all happened happen was Reiko Takahashi, the boy who brought the end of the world!


3.
They had to do something and fast; suddenly, a white light began to glow from the windows of Reiko’s house, catching the attention of the two as they turned around in front of the house. Running into the house, Reiko and Amalia looked to see the sword in the shrine beginning to illuminate.
Try not to let your description get repetitive - you use house three times in two sentences. Switch one of them for building or 'Running through the door and into the living room'.

4.
“What in the name of the gods is that thing?” Amalia inquired, becoming in awe by the spectacle.
Rather than say she is becoming in awe, describe how she's staring at the sword, entranced by it. It's much more powerful to show us emotions than to tell us what they are.

5.
“It’s my grandfather’s sword, but why is it glowing,” Hesitant; Reiko, slowly, reached for the sword, grabbing it and unsheathing it, becoming amazed by how the blade glowed even brighter; then, the brightness faded, reverting back to a regular blade; unbeknownst to Reiko, the sword came to life and dragged Reiko out of the house, causing him to scream while leaving a baffled Amalia behind.
Unbeknowst is the wrong word here - Reiko definitely knows what just happened to him. It's the kind of word you use when there's a secret your character doesn't know. I think what you're looking for here is something like 'To Reiko's surprise'.

6.
“It’s already too dangerous to be here, the Enforcer Core will interfere if we keeping wasting more time!” screamed the pilot. The people in both ships paled at the mention of that name; if they get got caught doing this, even if they were ordered by the Amensian Collective to capture an enemy of war, not even their superior could save them from the Enforcer’s Elite, the Peacemakers, who are responsible for suppressing those who defy Galactic Rule.


7.
Reiko wanted to get out of here as soon as he can could, and more so when he looked at the cannons from the two ships, but there's a problem it wasn't that easy. What the hell! I can't let go of this crazy sword! Reiko panicked within his thoughts as even he try as, despite trying with all of his might, Reiko he couldn't open his palm to release himself from the clearly abnormal Japanese sword.
This is slightly awkwardly phrased - proposed corrections in red.

8.
Within the tear looked like a scene from when one looks at the night sky, with the bright stars illuminating the black space.


9.
The pilots gasped and screamed as the force of the wormhole sucked them in as it was like a black hole.
It's either a wormhole or a black hole and you can simply say 'as the force of the _ hole sucked them in.' What you have is like saying 'as the gate closed like a door'.

10.
Confused on what just transpired, the pilots were at a lost in loss for what to do. However, remembering that Princess Amelia is now on the planet called "Earth", they knew what their next course of action should be. “We better report this, immediately!” was the last thing they said before leaving the Sol System.


11.
“What the…how are you even doing that?!” Reiko shouted, cringing in fright; stepping out of the wall, Amalia waltzed toward Reiko and stood in front of her him.


12.
30-minutes-later…
You shouldn't really do this in books! A lot of your writing is very TV style which you can get away with in comics but in books, you have to make passages of time and view point changes smoother or it feels disorientating for your reader. We don't have the visuals to ground us so you have to work a bit harder.

Overall

There were some more grammar mistakes in this toward the end so you'll need to go through this carefully at the next draft stage or ask someone else to take a look at the novel for you.

I think you've got an interesting plot and the dialogue is solid but the descriptions and action are both very rushed and you change view point too often which makes it really disorientating. Unless those aliens in the ship were really important, we don't need to hear from their point of view. We can see what happens through Reiko's eyes and then even if they come into it again later, he can recognise them as the same ships etc. The dialogue between the aliens and the events on the ship weren't necessary. As long as we see the ship get sucked into the wormhole black hole without taking damage then we'll make our own assumptions about whether they survived and whether they'll come back.

I hope that gives you a few things to think about and I think the sword is cool and the plot sounds fun. You just need to make it a little smoother to read!

All the best,
~Heather



When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
— Walter Lippmann