Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Outside of the earth’s orbit, 1-lightyear-away, a starship flew through the asteroid belt in front of Mars. It appeared man-made but looked like it’s something so advanced that humanity couldn’t have made it. It was about 40-feet-long and 15-feet-wide, having an appearance similar to a fighter jet, having two wings on the side and a laser cannon on each. The scheme of it was gold, with a hint of red on the wings with a black glass window on the cockpit. Lastly, on the front of the wings, there was an insignia of a sword piercing a dragon-like creature. The ship was already damaged, with smoke and fire coming out of the outer hall. Soring through the stars, the starship was being tailed by two flying saucers, firing rounds of red light beams, trying to hit the ship as it dodged every assault.
Forwarding its thrusters, the starship managed to evade its assailants and flew passed Mars, heading to the planet next to it, Earth.
Earth, Yahakawa, Japan. 16:00AM…
Walking out of the front entrance, a young boy strolled down the street with his briefcase over his shoulder, dressed in a white-buttoned shirt and black trousers, he placed a hand through his black hair while his brown eyes stared off into space. “Reiko!” back to reality, the young man, Reiko, turned around to the source of the voice. Standing behind him was a young girl, about the same age as Reiko, with short blonde hair, pale skin, and green eyes, holding her briefcase against the front of her legs, the girl smiled as a slight red color appeared on her cheeks.
“Hey, Ayumi, going home, as well?” he inquired as he flashed a friendly grin.
Nodding her head, the girl, Ayumi, answered warmingly, “Of course, the track club was cancelled today, so, I thought that…maybe you and I…could walk home together.” She began fidgeting her hands at the end as her face became redder.
Flashing a wide grin, Reiko answered, “Sure we could, we have known each other since we were twelve, so why not? We could walk together until we reached your house.” Moments later, Reiko and Ayumi were walking up the concrete sidewalk, conversing with one another until, 3-blocks-later, they reached a small, concrete two-story house with the garage on the left side and surrounded by a seven foot wall. Turning around to face him, Ayumi said “Goodbye” and she headed inside her house.
30-minutes-later…
Outside of town, on the east, Reiko walked up a concrete staircase, leading straight to a house on a hill. It was a two-story house with white walls with four windows on each side and a brown door at the front, the roof was a brown-hipped roof, but, on the right, a gable roof protruded on the ledge of the hill.
“Tadaima!” he shouted, opening the front door. He walked in, closed it behind him, and took off his shoes, placing them at the entrance before walking any further. He waited for a response, but there was none. Oh yeah, that’s right; they’re out of town, overseas! He remembered, somberly letting out a small sigh as he headed into the living room on the right. After placing his briefcase on the couch, he entered a part of the living room where a small shrine was set up, hanging over it was an enclosed rope—shimenawa—and dangling from it were paper streamers—shide—in a zigzag pattern. Inside were small figurines of the Buddha himself, two incense cups on the sides, and a katana in the center. there was even a picture of an old man in front of the sword as well. He knelt before it and preyed to give him good luck and to give him and his family safe protection; once he finished, he clapped his hands, twice, and stood back up off the ground. He grabbed his briefcase and proceeded upstairs where he headed to his room to do his homework.
4-hours-later; 20:00PM…
Reiko had finished his homework and was now in the dining room, eating the dinner he had prepared for himself: a bowl of rice, miso soup, nikujaga and a plate of grilled mackerel as the main dish. Tasting the mackerel, he cringed bit by the taste. A little overcooked, the way mom makes it is better! He wasn’t much of a good cook, but he still managed to make the best of it. Since his parents are overseas on a business trip for three months, Reiko had to cook for himself, although he does like the sense of independence, being in an empty house would make anyone feel lonely.
Suddenly, he jolted out of his seat, hearing a loud explosion coming from outside, he rushed out of the front door and headed to the backyard, which was where the source of the sound originated. Eyes-widened, he was standing in front of the burn wreckage of what looked like a spacecraft of some sort as beads of sweat fell form his forehead. Yeah, what Reiko was seeing is a spaceship in his backyard! “Oh god, what do I do?! I need to call the fire department, but how in the world am I going to explain to them of how a spaceship crashed in my backyard?! They’ll think I’m crazy! Maybe I can use the fire extinguisher in the kitchen, but, then again, I would need a lot of foam to put it out! Oh, what should I to do?!” Reiko shouted to himself, trapped in his thoughts of hysteria while panicking at the sight of the flames.
Just then, the flames had suddenly disappeared; Reiko turned his attention back and his jaw immediately dropped halfway to the ground. The hatch of the cockpit opened and what stumbled out was a person in a somewhat tattered black & yellow jumpsuit and a yellow helmet with a black shield covering his face, the pilots’ figure was slender and elegant and had well-formed mounds, showing that she was a woman. Strutting out of the ship, the pilot stumbled and fell almost to the ground, with lightning speed, Reiko dashed and caught the pilot right before she hit the ground and once he got a good grip, the pilot’s helmet fell off, exposing her face for Reiko to see. Indeed, it was a woman, but a beautiful woman; she had long silver hair stretching down to her waist and light-brown skin with pink lips; she looked human, appearing to be the same age as Reiko; her ears, however, were long and point like that of an elf. Unconscious; the woman passed out from deliriousness. Reiko, quickly, brought her inside the house and placed her on the couch. Afterwards, he brought a cold washcloth and placed it on her head, hoping that it would help her recover faster; he even went so far as to, carefully, strip her, no matter how embarrassed he felt; unfortunately for him, the woman wasn’t wearing anything underneath, which caused his face to turn, completely, red, however, he managed to cover her up as quickly as he could.
20-minutes-later…
“Oh, thank god, for a minute there, I thought I might have gotten a nosebleed,” he remarked to himself. Suddenly, he heard a sound coming from the woman; turning around, he saw the woman fluttering her eyes open, leaning forward as she placed a hand on her forehead, groaning as she thought Where am I? How did I get here? She turned and noticed the young man standing beside her, causing him to stutter back in shock. Looking down, her expression, quickly, faded when she looked down and saw that her clothes were missing. She screamed, covering herself and shouting “Pervert!” at Reiko.
“No! No! I’m not a pervert! You came out of that ship and was unconscious, so I brought inside until you woke up. I took off your clothes so I could wash them, I swear!” he explained, panicking with his hands raised, nonthreateningly. Hearing that, she calmed down a bit, but still held the blanket close to her while she grabbed the wet cloth off of her head. “So, would you mind telling me your name?” he inquired; slowly approaching the now docile pilot.
“M-my name is…Amalia…Amalia Jangardelfa; t-thank you for taking care of me,” she greeted, thankfully, avoiding eye-contact while her cheeks turned a little red.
Reiko smiled; handing her some spare clothes from his parents room, Reiko turned around while Amalia proceeded to change; now, dressed in white pajama pants and shirt and after she was done, he turned around and became curious, and asked, “So, are you really an alien?”
Arching an eyebrow, the woman, Amalia, responded, inquisitively, “What do you mean by ‘Alien’? If you are implying that I am a foreigner, then you are, indeed, correct for I am not of this world.”
“Well, yes, but what I meant was that you’re an ‘alien’ as in an extraterrestrial from another planet, but that would, also, mean you’re a foreigner; so, I guess, that sums in up, then,” he remarked, pointing it out while scratching the back of his head. “So, why are you here?”
“Well…” right when she was about to explain, a loud humming sound came from the backyard; shocked, Amalia jumped up from the couch, whispering, “Oh no!” in distress. Tilting his head to the side, Reiko inquired, “Is something the matter?” right before the alien woman could answer, she jolted out of the front door; Reiko followed after her and when he went outside, he saw Amalia standing near the edge of the hill, staring up at the night sky with a flabbergasted expression as her body trembled, which then turned to anger: by the gods, I can’t believe it was that easy for them to find me! Following her gaze, Reiko looked up and was taken aback by the sight of two flying saucers hovering above his house.
Suddenly, a loud voice came out from one of them: “Princess Amalia Jargandelfa of the Jargandelfa Empire, by order of the Amsenian Collective you are under arrest as a prisoner of war and you will be delivered to the nearest Amsenian-controlled sector in the galaxy for interrogation with extreme prejudice!”
End of chapter
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139,308 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
Hello! I don't think this was intentional, but the grammar in your title is incorrect. I am assuming you meant the star that fell from the heavens or something along those lines. The proper grammar would be: Hoshi wa sora kara ochita. or, even better, sora kara hoshi wo/o ochita which just sounds more natural to me. Also, I would also like to note that most kamidana are, infact, in the living room, or near the entry area. I also think you are mixing up the kamidana and the butsudana. One is merely a home for a house god to stay in, another is where the pictures of your deceased relatives and buddhist names go. This is where you would offer incense.
I hope my suggestions helped!
The title WAS intentional.
So I read through this and jotted down my thoughts as I went. My thoughts will be in parenthesis and if I made changes to something I marked it with an asterisk.
My changes were anything from adding a period or a comma to rearranging and adding words that I thought might clarify what you were trying to say.
I’m sorry if by any of this I incorrectly changed the meaning of your writing!
Also I skip through the parts that I couldn't see anything to change or comment on.
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“It appeared man-made but looked *like it’s something so advanced that humanity couldn’t have made it (perhaps instead say- “too advanced for humanity to have made it.”?) It was about 40-feet-long and 15-feet-wide, having an appearance similar to a fighter jet, *with two wings on the side and a laser cannon on each. The *color scheme was gold with a hint of red on the wings and a *glassy black window on the cockpit. An insignia of a sword piercing a dragon-like creature graced the front of the wings.
(New paragraph) The ship was already damaged, with smoke and fire coming out of the outer hall. *Soaring through the stars, the starship was being tailed by two flying saucers, firing rounds of red light beams, trying to hit the ship as it dodged every assault.
Forwarding its thrusters, the starship managed to evade its assailants and flew *past Mars, heading to the planet next to it, Earth.
Walking out of the front entrance (of a building?), a young boy strolled down the street with his briefcase over his shoulder, dressed in a white-buttoned shirt and black trousers, he *brushed a hand through his black hair while his brown eyes stared off into space.
Nodding her head, the girl, Ayumi, answered *warmly, “Of course, the track club was cancelled today, so, I thought that…maybe you and I…could walk home together.” She began fidgeting *with her hands *as her face became redder.
Flashing a wide grin, Reiko answered, “*We have known each other since we were twelve, so why would we not? We can walk together until we reach your house.”
He knelt before it *praying for it to give him good luck and to give him and his family *protection. (Safe protection is a bit redundant) *Once he finished, he clapped his hands twice, and stood back up off the ground.
Tasting the mackerel, he cringed bit *at the taste. A little overcooked, the way mom makes it is better! He wasn’t much of a *cook, but he still managed to make the best of it.
Suddenly, he jolted out of his seat, hearing a loud explosion *from outside. *He rushed out of the front door and headed to* where the sound originated, the backyard. *His eyes widened and beads of sweat fell *from his forehead. *He was standing in front of the *burnt wreckage of what looked like a spacecraft of some sort. *Reiko was seeing *a spaceship in his backyard! “Oh god, what do I do?! I need to call the fire department, but how in the world am I going to explain to them *that a spaceship crashed in my backyard?! They’ll think I’m crazy! Maybe I can use the fire extinguisher in the kitchen, but *I don’t think one would be enough! Oh, what should I to do?!” Reiko shouted*, trapped in his thoughts* while panicking at the sight of the flames.
Just then, the flames had suddenly disappeared (how?).
The hatch of the cockpit opened and what stumbled out was a person in a somewhat tattered black & yellow jumpsuit and a yellow helmet with a black shield covering his face, the pilots’ figure was slender and elegant and had *a well-formed *chest, showing that she was a woman. Strutting (perhaps climbing instead of strutting?) out of the ship, the pilot stumbled and fell almost to the ground. *With lightning speed Reiko dashed and caught the pilot right before she hit the ground and once he got a good grip, the pilot’s helmet fell off, exposing her face for Reiko to see. Indeed, it was a woman, but a beautiful woman; she had long silver hair stretching down to her waist and light-brown skin with pink lips; she looked human, appearing to be the same age as Reiko; her ears, however, were long and *pointed like that of an elf. Unconscious; the woman *must have passed out from deliriousness. Reiko* quickly brought her inside the house and placed her on the couch.
(new paragraph) Afterwards, he brought a cold washcloth and placed it on her head, hoping that it would help her recover faster; he even went so far as to, carefully, strip her, no matter how embarrassed he felt; unfortunately for him, the woman wasn’t wearing anything underneath, which caused his face to turn *completely red. *However, he managed to cover her up as quickly as he could.
“No! No! I’m not a pervert! You came out of that ship and *were unconscious, so I brought *you inside until you woke up. I took off your clothes so I could wash them, I swear!” he explained, panicking with his hands raised* non-threateningly.
Reiko smiled; handing her some spare clothes from his *parents’ room. (where did the clothes come from?)
“Well, yes, but what I meant was that you’re an ‘alien’(,) as in an extraterrestrial from another planet, but that would* also mean you’re a foreigner.() So, I guess, that sums *it up, then,” he remarked* while scratching the back of his head. “So, why are you here?””
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Sorry there’s so much but I tend to really get into stuff in this genre haha…
I like the flow of the story and the way you introduce characters. It shows them in action and makes it easy to move along with the plot.
Though I think there may be a few too many time skips. Perhaps it would be better to say the time skip as a line instead of cutting up the paragraphs so much. Perhaps saying “He spent twenty minutes gathering her clothes, taking it to the washing machine, and gathering more clothes from his parents’ room for her to wear.” instead of “20 minutes later…” y’know?
Overall this is really interesting and imaginative. The characters especially are set up to have a lot of depth and complexity. Great writing!
Now I will start with this long hopefully useful for you review but before I start I want to say that I like the start and tht you are very detailed about the ship.It shows that you really know what are you talking about and this helps the readers imagine what are you talking about but still do not do it too much.Sometimes we need just a little to imagine it and that is all.
So I will go through this work that you had written and correct it at the same time together with actually reading it.
I may be skipping some parts so it not gets too long.I will skip when I have no complains about the part.
Outside of the earth’s orbit, 1-lightyear-away, a starship flew through the asteroid belt in front of Mars.
It looked man-made but looked like it’s something so advanced that humanity couldn’t have made it. ( i think the repeatment of the word 'looked' is just making it sound too odd so maybe remove and replace the word)
---------
The scheme of it was gold with a hint of red on the wings (,) with a black glass window on the cockpit.
Lastly, on the front of the wings (,) (there) was an insignia of a sword piercing a dragon-like creature. The ship was already damaged, with smoke and fire coming out of the outer hall. Soring through the stars, the starship was being tailed by two flying saucers, firing rounds of red light beams, trying to hit the ship as it dodged every assault.
Forwarding its’ thrusters( without the ')
, the starship managed to evade its’ ( without the ') assailants and flew passed Mars, heading to the planet next to it(,)Earth.
Earth(,). Yahakawa(,) Japan(.) 16(:)00AM…
Walking out of the front entrance, a young boy strolled down the street with his briefcase over his shoulder(,) dressed in a white-buttoned shirt and black trousers, he placed a hand through his black hair while his brown eyes stared off into space.
“Reiko!” back to (the) reality, the young man, Reiko, turned around to the source of the voice. Standing behind him was a young girl, about the same age as Reiko, with short blonde hair, pale skin, and green eyes(,) holding her briefcase against the front of her legs, the girl smiled as a slight red color appeared on her cheeks.
“Hey, Ayumi, going home, as well?” he inquired as he flashed a friendly grin.
Nodding her head, the girl, Ayumi, answered,(no comma) warmingly,
“Of course, the track club was cancelled today(,) so, I thought that…maybe you and I…could walk home together.” She began fidgeting her hands at the end as her face became redder.
Flashing a wide grin, Reiko answered, “Sure we could(,) we have known each other since we were twelve(,) so why not? We could walk together until we reached your house.” Moments later, Reiko and Ayumi were walking up the concrete sidewalk, conversing with one another until, 3-blocks-later, they reached a small, concrete two-story house with the garage on the left side and surrounded by a seven foot wall. Turning around to face him, Ayumi said “Goodbye” and she headed inside her house.
30 minutes later…
Outside of town, on the east, Reiko walked up a concrete staircase, leading straight to a house on a hill(,) it was a two story house with white walls with four windows on each side and a brown door at the front, the roof was a brown hipped roof, but, on the right, a gable roof protruded on the ledge of the hill.
“Tadaima!” (feeling the otaku vibes here!okaeri! XD)
he shouted(,) opening the front door(.) He walked in, closed it behind him, and took off his shoes, placing them at the entrance before walking any further.
He waited for a response, but there was none. Oh yeah, that’s right, (they are) out of town, overseas!
He remembered, somberly,(no comma)
letting out a small sigh as he headed into the living room on the right.
After placing his briefcase on the couch, he entered a part of the house where a small shrine was set up(,)hanging over it was an enclosed rope—shimenawa—and dangling from it were paper streamers—shide—in a zigzag pattern. Inside were small figurines, two incense cups on the sides, and a katana in the center. He kneeled before it and preyed to give him good luck and to give him and his family safe protection; once he finished, he clapped his hands, twice, and stood back up off the ground. He grabbed his briefcase and proceeded upstairs where he headed to his room to do his homework.
4 hours later 20:00PM…(you do not need to correct this parts)
Reiko had finished his homework and was now in the dining room, eating the dinner he had prepared for himself: a bowl of rice, miso soup, nikujaga,(no comma) and a plate of grilled mackerel as the main dish. Tasting the mackerel, he cringed bit by the taste. A little overcooked(,) the way mom makes it is better! He wasn’t much of a good cook, but he still managed to make the best of it. Since his parents are overseas on a business trip for three months, Reiko had to cook for himself(,) although he does like the sense of independence, being in an empty house would make anyone feel lonely.
Suddenly, he jolted out of his seat, hearing a loud explosion coming from outside(,) he rushed out of the front door and headed to the backyard, which was where the source of the sound originated. Eyes-widened, he was standing in front of the burn wreckage of what looked like a spacecraft of some sort as beads of sweat fell form his forehead. Yeah, what Reiko was seeing is a spaceship in his backyard! “Oh god, what do I do?! I need to call the fire department, but how in the world am I going to explain to them of how a spaceship crashed in my backyard?! They’ll think I’m crazy! Maybe I can use the fire extinguisher in the kitchen, but, then again, I would need a lot of foam to put it out! Oh, what should I to do?!” Reiko shouted to himself, trapped in his thoughts of hysteria while panicking at the sight of the flames.
Just then, the flames had suddenly disappeared(,) Reiko turned his attention back and his jaw immediately dropped halfway to the ground. The hatch of the cockpit opened and what stumbled out was a person in a somewhat tattered black & yellow jumpsuit and a yellow helmet with a black shield covering his face(,) the pilots’ figure was slender and elegant and had well-formed mounds, showing that she was a woman. Strutting out of the ship, the pilot stumbled and fell almost to the ground(,) with lightning speed, Reiko dashed and caught the pilot right before she hit the ground and once he got a good grip, the pilot’s helmet fell off, exposing her face for Reiko to see. Indeed, it was a woman, but a beautiful woman; she had long silver hair stretching down to her waist and light-brown skin with pink lips; she looked human, appearing to be the same age as Reiko(,) her ears, however, were long and point like that of an elf. Unconscious(,) the woman passed out from deliriousness. Reiko, quickly, brought her inside the house and placed her on the couch. Afterwards, he brought a cold washcloth and placed it on her head, hoping that it would help her recover faster; he even went so far as to, carefully, strip her, no matter how embarrassed he felt(,) unfortunately for him, the woman wasn’t wearing anything underneath, which caused his face to turn, completely, red(,) however, he managed to cover her up as quickly as he could.
20 minutes later…
“Oh, thank god, for a minute there, I thought I might have gotten a nosebleed,” he remarked to himself. Suddenly, he heard a sound coming from the woman; turning around, he saw the woman fluttering her eyes open, leaning forward as she placed a hand on her forehead, groaning as she thought Where am I? How did I get here? she turned and noticed the young man standing beside her, causing him to stutter back in shock. Looking down, her expression, quickly, faded when she looked down and saw that her clothes were missing. She screamed(,)covering herself and shouting “Pervert!” at Reiko.
“No! No! I’m not a pervert! You came out of that ship and was unconscious, so I brought inside until you woke up(.) I took off your clothes so I could wash them, I swear!” he explained, panicking with his hands raised, nonthreateningly. Hearing that, she calmed down a bit, but still held the blanket close to her while she grabbed the wet cloth off of her head. “So, would you mind telling me your name(?)” he inquired(,) slowly approaching the now docile pilot.
“M-my name is…Amalia…Amalia Jangardelfa(,) t-thank you for taking care of me,” she greeted, thankfully, avoiding eye-contact while her cheeks turned a little red.
Reiko smiled(,) handing her some spare clothes from his parents room, Reiko turned around while Amalia proceeded to change(,) now, dressed in white pajama pants and shirt and after she was done, he turned around and became curious, and asked, “So, are you really an alien?”
Arching an eyebrow, the woman, Amalia, responded, inquisitively, “What do you mean by ‘Alien’? If you are implying that I am a foreigner, then you are, indeed, correct (that) I am not of this world.”
“Well, yes, but what I meant was that you’re an ‘alien’ as in an extraterrestrial from another planet, but that would, also, mean you’re a foreigner(,) so, I guess, that sums in up, then,” he remarked, pointing it out while scratching the back of his head. “So, why are you here?”
“Well…” right when she was about to explain, a loud humming sound came from the backyard(,) shocked, Amalia jumped up from the couch, whispering, “Oh no!” in distress. Tilting his head to the side, Reiko inquired, “Is something the matter?” right before the alien woman could answer, she jolted out of the front door(,) Reiko followed after her and when he went outside, he saw Amalia standing near the edge of the hill, staring up at the night sky with a flabbergasted expression as her body trembled, which then turned to anger.
"By the gods, I can’t believe it was that (easy) for them to find me!" Following her gaze, Reiko looked up and was taken aback by the sight of two flying saucers hovering above his house.
Suddenly, a loud voice came out from one of them. “Princess Amalia Jargandelfa of the Jargandelfa Empire(,) by order of the Amsenian Collective you are under arrest as a prisoner of war and you will be delivered to the nearest Amsenian-controlled sector in the galaxy for interrogation with extreme prejudice!”
Amazing!Please go on!
Is she elf,alien or what?! Anyways,just go on so I can understand it.
Im curious.
she's an alien space elf
I was close!