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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
This is good, if a slight heavy on words. You have bunched too much information into one sentence and it gets confusing...
Hero also metioned this, and you should take their advice. Change this sentence! The example given by hero is good, and I highly recommend you use it.Also, "awaken up" does not make sense. "woken up" or "awakened" makes sense, as does the way "awaken" is used in hero's example.
Woah, this sentence is way too long. Break it up a little! Long sentences are effective, yes, but you need a comma at some point! Short sentences also work a treat to build tension/curiosity. They also are just as effective as longer sentences.
So to make this sentence better. Put in a comma. Here is what you should do:
"The white sky poured vanity through my window, I didn't have to open my eyes to feel the melancholy that overcame my room." Take away the 'and' and replace it with a comma! It stops your sentence sounding rushed, and makes it sound a whole lot better!
I like this sentence. It portrays a lot of emotion. Although, if you seperated it into two sentences it may have a larger effect.
You should stop when it gets to here: "I reluctantly woke up and left my bed, though it was the safest place to be." Leave this as one sentence, and add the other bit on, as a shorter sentence. Like this: "I reluctantly woke up and left my bed, though it was the safest place to be. And I didn't want to leave it." This sounds more effective to me personally, but your origional sentence is still really good!
Oh my god! I just love this! Its like a metaphor... as if you are speaking like the season 'winter' is a person. Well done!
Also, love this! Your words are ever so simple... but they convey so much emotion!
This is quite sad. It sounds as though this person is asking themselves whether they really want to live or not... It's a powerful sentence in this piece of your work! Congratulations!
One issue I have though; using this quote is fine for the work, but it is not such a great name for your title... I have to agree hero on that. Have a think through on something not as... predictable.
So as I say, you shouldn't choose that as your title, you also should not have this as your ending:
Its the very end bit that bothers me... It doesn't seem enough after the emotions you used in the rest of the story. I'm not sure how you could alter this... but I suggest you think it through, and try and come up with something more detailed.
Overall, this has potental to be a very compelling piece of work! Just keep working on it. It's already really good. Just a few changes that need to be made! Well done thought!
Good luck in your future writing! I hope this helped!
-Clarity.
Hello, this helped so much, actaully! I am so thankful for this review, I will jump right into working on this piece as soon as I find time for it.
I'm glad I helped!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I'm pretty new here myself, but I hope ypu like it as much as I do.
I only found one mistake. "awaken up" This should say either "awakened" or "woken up"
I think you should spread out the details instead of clumping all your good descriptions together into the same sentance.
You pulled the reader in, and you kept them wanting more- a great thing we all strive for. And you did this to me too! I love it and I would love it if you told me when/if you write more!
Write on
-Makenna
I actually really like it a lot! Thank you, welcome to you, too!
I knew story was not finished, but I thought it might be something when it is done.
Thanks very much, and I will!
Hey so the first thing that I didn't like was the cliche term: 'to be or not to be'. I would suggest you don't use it at all. The second most unsettling thing was when you used to many words. Here are some examples:
"It was another lonely morning when I was awaken up by a strong wind that was trying to reach me. "
To-
It was another lonely morning when I was awaken by a strong wind.
"The white sky poured vanity through my window and I didn't have to open my eyes to feel the melancholy that overcame my room."
You are trying to say to much at once, I suggest using two different sentences other then combining sentences by using and.
" I reluctantly woke up and left my bed, though it was the safest place to be and I didn't want to leave it. "
This- Creates some confusion, maybe you should word it differently; feeling it is the safest is different then saying IT IS the safest, in which case you need to explain why.
These are just SOME examples, and may be just opinion but I suggest more organization and explaination to this piece. You need to take the time to explain things that seem unclear, example: The last moment I spent in the room was the moment I was overthrown by anxiety and desire. . I covered myself up and hid from winter which hated me.
There is just tons and tons of examples to each point. You should work on writing clearly and well then get artsy. It shows great potential so you should keep with it
Sorry for the vague review. I will redo after some work
Sincerely Hero
Thank you Hero, I'll work on everything you said as soon as I find time for it.