Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
CHAPTER 1:
The city had been empty for a long time. Once, years ago, it had been full and busy, with children off to school, friends meeting, workers commuting, and so much more. But after the zombie apocalypse started, all of that ceased.
"Rye, c'mon slowpoke!"
thinking about the city has distracted me from the task at hand. I hurry down the ladder, taking two rungs at a time, and shout down to the blonde oaf, who is my best friend since 2nd grade, and my roommate since the virus broke out, Blaze. "I'm coming, be patient!"
"So, what's the plan?" I ask, jumping down the last few feet.
"Well, we're almost out of supplies, and I'm worried about Fern.." He looks down. 2 days ago, Fern showed up at our apartment. She told us the news, that her dad had died. While we tried to comfort her that day, she didn't tell us anything more, and we haven't seen her since.
"Honestly? Me too. Why don't you go check up on her, and I'll go look for supplies?"
CHAPTER 2:
"Fern?" I've been knocking on her door for 5 minutes. "Fern! If you don't come out, I'm kicking this door down!"
"Jeez! Okay, okay!" She finally opens the door. "What do you want, Blaze? I'm busy."
"I just wanted to.. see how you're holding up?"
"I'm fine." She slams the door shut. She obviously wants to be left alone, but I need to make sure she's ok.
"Fern.. don't you wanna hang out? We could.. go foraging?"
After a second, she opens the door. "Ok, fine. We can go look for puffballs, they're in season."
"Puffballs?"
"It's a type of mushroom, Blaze."
CHAPTER 3:
After a few minutes of walking, i reach the Dollar General. Since the apocalypse started, most of the stores here have been ransacked, and this is one of the only ones that still has food. I head toward the canned food aisle, and start shoveling what i can into my bag. At first, i don't hear it. The cans of food clank against each other as they fall, blanketing it, but it grows louder until it gains my attention. "Flump.. Flump.. Flump.." A dull, thudding sound, coming from the back. What is that?
I walk towards the noise, in the back of the store, behind a set of double-doors. Peering through the window, all i can see is darkness, until..
"SCKAGHEGHCKUHGCKKHHHKHKHKAHH"
I jump back as a walker slams into the window, trying it's hardest to reach me, screeching. Slowly, i pick up my bag, and back out of the store.
CHAPTER 4:
Walking through the forest can be pretty peaceful, but where are the mushrooms? We've been searching for an hour, and haven't found anything. Fern tells me that puffball mushrooms are huge, and that they're essentially giant, cream-white lumps of mushroom. Frankly, I'm starting to think she's tricking me. I mean, a foot long mushroom? That's ridiculous! Just before i decide to ask whether they're really real (again), we see something. Puffballs! There are huge, round lumps just a few meters ahead! But one of them looks.. off. It's furry, and is it moving, ever so slightly?
"Hey, Fern? Does that one look weird to you?"
"It does.. is that a cat?" Slowly, she sneaks towards the cat, but even as she comes to standing right above it, it doesn't seem to notice her, continuing to snooze.
She pokes it gently, and suddenly it jumps up, surprised, but doesn't run.
"What's wrong with him? How come he didn't notice you?"
"Hmm.." She looks at the cat, crouches down, and starts snapping near its ears. After watching it for a while, she picks him up, stands up, and turns back to me.
"I think he's deaf.. he wont react to any noise. He's pretty friendly though."
"What are we gonna do with him? It's too dangerous out here.. can you take him in?"
"No, I already have two, and i cant feed him.. can you?"
Should i take him? He is pretty cute, and Rye does love cats.. "Yeah, ill take him."
CHAPTER 5:
"Hey, Rye!"
Walking back to the apartment, i don't see Blaze doing the same, but when he spots me, he comes.. speed walking over. Usually, he'd run, why not this time? Is he hurt? Then, I see the lump of white fur on his shoulder.
"Check it out! I found this cat when me and Fern were looking for mushrooms. Poor thing is deaf.. can we keep him, pleaseee?"
Honestly? Seeing him fawn over this little ball of fur is.. kinda cute.
"Yeah, of course we can. What's his name though?"
"Hmm.. how about.. Puffball?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hey kitty,
Nadya here with a review on this chapter.
First things first, this is a classic opening to an apocalyptic horror story. The POVs of Rye and Blaze are interesting and well-executed.
The title adds to the story nicely, as a city is usually bustling with people and noise, but now it's empty and dull. Also great job on the name, I like the idea of the cat being named Puffball XD
a few suggestions
The following are just my thoughts, so feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with. XD
By the end of Chapter 1, I don't know who is talking. Is it Blaze or Rye? It's a bit unclear. Perhaps you could add "Rye said" or "Blaze said" to clarify for the reader.
- - -
If I’m correct, there is a point of view (POV) change here, from Rye to Blaze. I would introduce this change earlier because it's unclear who was knocking on the door until Fern answers.
This could cause some confusion for readers because they might expect Rye's POV to continue. Maybe you could do something like this: Chapter 1| Rye, Chapter 2| Blaze
- - -
The same goes here. Introducing the POV change earlier could make it clearer that we're back to Rye's POV.
I think writing this part in cursive would add a more dramatic effect. The jumbled capital letters are perfect!
- - -
I have one small nitpick: a couple of places you have two periods at the end of a sentence.
Overall, I think you have a very interesting story here. Keep up the good work! I’m excited to read more and see what you’ve come up with.
I also wanted to add that your story reminds me of The 100, an apocalyptic sci-fi drama series (book and movie) in which a few kids are sent to Earth to determine whether it is habitable again.
happy writing!
-Nadya
Hiya, thanks for reviewing! firstly, the two dots are supposed to be ellipses, idek why i just type them as ".." rather than "...". I also have watched the 100, great show! i suppose this series might be like the first few seasons, but it definitely wont become as complex.
Hii, ahh alright. Thank you for clarifying the two dots, I was getting so confused XD
Hello, My Friend!
Hiya, KittyCursed! It's me, Raven, and I’d like to review your opening chapter here, using my personal review style, the Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Alright, first five chapters of a zombie apocalypse! Already, we have an interesting cast forming with this spunky Blaze character, headstrong Rye, and sweet Fern—and of course, Puffball, so cuteee!! Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Pretty good! You introduce the setting and characters, establish some base lore, and hook us with a cute side-quest regarding this kitty among the furry mushrooms! Pacing is alright, although, with a little more smoother of a transition between said chapters, I honestly think this whole sequence could fit comfortably as one chapter—but that's just me!
Descriptions and Setting: Nice! I think we got the basics well enough, although I wouldn't complain about some more detailed descriptions for our forming cast, and maybe just a little more detail to settings like the woods or the barn—sensory notes are especially powerful in these cases, and in an abandoned apocalyptic setting, there's so much you could work with in that regard!
Characterization: So far, I'm getting the impression that these characters have their own unique personalities and quirks, they don't really bleed together in my head, and I'm excited to learn more about them! And that's always a great thing to notice in first chapters!
Grammar and Wording: Overarchingly? Nice!
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
This is where I cram the really little things, like typos and such, and there's actually not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
Tiny thing— "Thinking" should be capitalized here.
Side note for grammar, "I" should be capitalized when referring to the self, but I also just felt like—while this is all great substance—it was a little much to see in one running paragraph! I would personally feel compelled to break it up, particularly making that sound effect one line, then following up with that explanation and question. I think that would not only help it read a little smoother, but also help build up the tension!
That’s all! And of course, please keep in mind, this is just my opinion! I am no professional, so please take all advice with a grain of salt; take what you want, and consider the rest just the rambling of a mad corvid!
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
It's a little too early for me to be forming or sharing any theories, so for now, let's dive right into some highlights!!
Ooo, I like how we're getting some context right off the bat! There's no better hook than, "hey, you know that whole "society" place? Um, it's kind of destroyed by zombies!" Right?? XD
Aw, poor Fern...Hopefully she herself is okay after that
Yes, I know I nitpicked the structure a bit, but I still LOVED this moment! The buildup is so neat, the sound effects add to the creepiness and what this atmosphere is like, and I am a sucker for a jumpscare anywhere!!
Aw, poor kitty...But he does sound like such a cutie!!
Omg, I love this name, contextually and generally speaking lolll
MadThoughts...Overall, this was a cool opener, and I'm excited to read more! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hi! TYSM for reviewing!
You're welcome!!
I really like how come the story starts off casually. I partially wish that it was a little more clear on who's speaking however, I got confused at the perspective shift but I think I understand it now. I also enjoy how come the way Blaze and Rye interact imply that they've known eachother for atleast a little while. Also how come there's already hints of a crush in chapter 5, I feel like this will be a good slow burn with more hints to come and more scenes together, I really don't like when stories have two characters suddenly liking each other and I can tell this won't be that. Keep writing sigma!! 🤑
YIPPIEEE thanks for reviewing skib!! (I'm struggleing so hard to make this a slowburn i want them to just be together so bad)
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the ghoulish S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - There’s a zombie apocalypse that is occurring, Blaze and Fern look for Puffball mushrooms and instead find a deaf cat, then Blaze brings the cat to Rye, and now they’re parents of a cat!!!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - This is only the first part of the story, but I would like to learn more about the characters’ personalities. This will come later on, though.
Chocolate Bar - I love that all of these characters are still trying to live normal lives in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, it shows how they are all trying to keep things afloat. And it’s sweet that Blaze got a cat for Rye! Already, I know how much Blaze and Rye care about each other!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fun first part of this story. I’ll be sure to check out the other parts and learn more about Blaze and Rye’s romance and of course, the freaking zombies. I enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you a dazzling day/night! ^v^
Thank you for replying!
Yw! ^v^