Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
CHAPTER 8
The first thing I notice when I wake up is that my eyelids are a light red. I open them, and sunlight from the window blinds me. The second thing I notice is actually two things, warm bodies pressed against me. Puff lies, sprawled out, on my stomach, and Blaze is beside us, his arm wrapped around me. What do I do? I don't wanna wake him, but if I don't move, it'll be awkward when he wakes up. Fuck.
Maybe if I just lie here, pretending to sleep, he'll wake up soon and move. It is kinda nice, and I could fall back asleep easily. Before I can decide what to do, Puff opens his eyes, stretching and pushing his paws into Blaze's stomach. Quickly, I close my eyes, feigning sleep. Blaze stirs, lifting his hand to pet Puff.
He shifts away from me, plopping back down on the bed. "Ryeeee," he says, "time to get uppp." I sit up, rubbing my eyes as if I've just woken up. "What..? Why? Do we have something to do today?" "Of course we do!" He looks at me like it's obvious. "We have to find Puff some proper food!"
"Oh, yeah.. do you even know where any is?"
"I mean, it's probably in a convenience store somewhere? We could check the Dollar General first, since it's still stocked?" The Dollar General? Last time I was there..
"Are you sure? When I went there last, there were walkers in it.."
"Really? Did you get hurt?! ..Did you get bit?" Blaze looks at me with fear and concern.
"No, no! It was locked up, behind a door!"
"Oh, then we should be fine!" The expression vanishes as he shrugs.
"Ok.. if you're sure.." I really don't want to run into that walker again, whether or not it's dangerous, but Blaze is right, Puff needs food.
CHAPTER 9
As we enter the Dollar General, I push open the door, holding it for Rye. For some reason, he seems hesitant to go in, pausing where the concrete and linoleum meet, separated by a thin metal strip. I wonder what kind of metal they use? Why is it even there, so things cant fall down the crack? Is it because someone lost something like that? What would it have been?
Rye trips, seemingly over nothing, grabbing my attention. "You okay?"
He turns away. "Yeah, I caught myself."
What was I thinking before? Oh yeah. "Are you okay.. being here?"
Now, he turns to look at me, shock, and then acceptance on his face. "I.. am fine."
But he's lying. He looks paranoid, glimpsing around, hiding behind corners as we go through the aisles. "Are you sure? If you want, you can wait outside? You have to carry the food back to the apartment though, up the stairs too." I smirk at him, trying to show I'm joking, but his mood doesn't lighten up.
"No, I'm fine, really. I'm just.. I don't wanna run into that walker I saw last time."
"Don't worry, I haven't heard anything odd, he's probably gone."
"Yeah, Okay."
He finally lightens up a little, just as we find the pet stuff aisle. Walking through, something catches my eye. A green bag of cat food, Friskies. Not only is green in general Rye's favourite colour, this specific hue is the one he points out whenever he sees it.
Even now, as soon as he enters the aisle, I see his eyes lock on the bag, though he doesn't say anything. He leans on the shelf, trying to act nonchalant. "So.. have you found anything yet? It really doesn't matter which one we get.." His eyes slowly scan the aisle, looking at every bag except the one I know he wants.
"Hmmm.. are you sure there's not one that.. catches your eye? Maybe, if there was a nice one here, we could even use it as decoration. Alas.." His gaze flits up to meet mine. Is he catching on to my trickery?
"Well.. if it really doesn't matter, why don't you grab that green one next to you? It's easiest for you to reach after all.." He points towards it. Hmm.. should I accept his victory, or pull one more trick out of my sleeve?
"The green one? Are you sure? This purple one is much easier to reach.." I see the panic on his face, even if for only a second, as I reach for it, one of his least favourite colours.
"No! Okay, fine. Can we please get the green one?" Oh. My. Gosh. His face is what I can only imagine a puppy would look like as a human. His eyes are wide, and he's blushing a little for asking what he probably thinks is unimportant. I smile a little as I reply, hoping I wasn't too mean to make him ask.
"Of course we can. Grab whatever else we need. I'll take this outside and put it in a shopping cart for the haul back."
CHAPTER 10
Blaze leaves the store, carrying the bag over his shoulder. Fuck. He probably thinks I'm such a child, making a big deal over a damn colour. I couldn't let him get away with that horrible purple though. Rummaging through the medicine aisle for first aid stuff, I hear a noise. Another shuffling sound, searching for something.
Whatever. It's probably nothing. I go back to looking, finding a case of acetaminophen and some alcohol wipes. Unzipping my backpack makes a loud noise, one that echoes around the store, cutting out even the sounds of my breathing.
One thing I can still hear is my heartbeat. It's grown faster. What if someone is in here? What if someone is stalking me, about to mug me? What if it's the zombie..?
"Blaze..? You better not be hiding." It probably is just him, trying to jump scare me. Even though he's never done that before. And he knows it's not a good idea. And he should still be outside, finding a shopping cart. And I never heard him come in.
"Blaze, I swear to god.." The sound is coming closer, and I turn towards it. It's in the aisle next to me, on the other side of the shelf. It scratches against the shelf, seeming to be a life in it's own, a sound tangible enough to kill. I can hear breathing now too. Not beathing, sniffing. Looking for something.
Suddenly, the shelf shakes. I was right, a walker is on the other side. It continues pushing against the shelf, trying to reach me. I'm unable to move. Even if I wasn't frozen in place by fear, I could never escape. My only option is to leave the aisles, where there won't be a shelf between us.
The zombie jumps against it, and it finally falls, it and everything it holds crushing me. Pain explodes from my chest, and I scream. It's a shrill one, higher pitched than a recorder being played even slightly wrong, but that doesn't matter right now. I'm about to die. The walker falls with the shelf, landing on top, trying to claw and bite it's way through to reach me.
I can't breathe. It takes me a minute to realize, but when I do, it's a punch in the gut. My lungs feel like they're being crushed, and the edges of my vision are dark. The zombie's arm makes it through the shelf, scratching me, but I barely feel it. I hear the door open, and the muffled shouts of someone. Blaze? No, don't get yourself killed too..
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey there Kitty,
Nadya here again, just catching up on Part 2 + 3 in this short review XD
To start, I forgot to mention this in my review of Part 1, but I was also wondering what happened to Rye after the shock of the Walker. I noticed the aftermath in Part 3, when he was paranoid and afraid to go back to the convenience store.
The execution was great, don't get me wrong, but I suggest dropping hints earlier, at the end of Part 1 and in Part 2.
For example, Rye could have wanted to tell Blaze about what happened, but seeing him with Puffball could have made him forget about it for just a few minutes. Alternatively, you could flip it and have Rye forget about it after seeing Blaze with Puffball. "Rye was scared. He didn't want to see a Walker again, but he didn't want to worry Blaze, so he didn't tell him. But that didn't make things easier for him.”
- - -
Part two was a nice slowdown amidst the idea of the apocalypse. It made the reader forget, if only for a moment, that zombies and dangers were still lurking around. It shows that even though the characters have to live with the circumstances, they can still live, laugh, and love. Awesome!
- - -
Little nitpick here in Part 3: “beathing” should be “breathing” ^^
The same goes here as I said earlier in my other review. You have two periods in a few sentences, and introducing the POV change before each new chapter would make things clearer for the reader.
- - -
Great job on the endings of both parts! Part two ended calmly, which was nice. Part three ended with a rush of events: Rye's fear came true when the Walker returned, tried to attack Rye, and Rye fainted in the end also at the thought of Blaze getting hurt.
This keeps the reader hooked and makes them want to read on to find out what happens next. Nice!
That’s it! Have a nice day/night!
-Nadya
Heyo, thanks for reviewing again! my bad on t he typo lol, I need to start looking over my stories closer. your suggestion of dripping in Rye's fear is a pretty good idea, and i wish i'd done that lol. I'll try to include it in the future! someone once said to me "a plot twist shouldn't make you go "oh, i didn't see that coming!" but instead "Oh, I should have seen that coming."" and your suggestion reminds me of that
Don't worry about the typos ^^ Glad I could help!
Hello, My Friend!
It’s me, Raven, and I’m here to review the next chapter in this great story, using my Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
WOW, what a rollercoaster that chapter was! Starting so sweet and chill, heading on a simple expedition, then all just goes straight to heck with that ending! O.O Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Nice! Straightforward, definitely some snappy pacing but not bad!
Descriptions and Setting: I certainly wouldn't mind having some more setting details, just because atmosphere plays such a big part in either horror or dystopian novels, but that's just me! I mean, I can visualize everything just fine regardless, nothing is hard to understand or anything, so if it works it works!
Characterization: I think it was nice being able to get a little more story from Blaze's perspective! That part definitely fit his vibe as we've been learning about it so far. Fun, even in the face of a literal apocalypse!
Grammar and Wording: Looks alright to me! I will say, where you use the double periods (..) I wonder if you're trying to do an ellipsis, which is three? (...) It's a really small thing though.
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
I LOVED getting perspective from Blaze, but my only complaint was that we got no real indication of a POV switch, which was a little confusing at first and made me wonder if the sentence was wrong?? I think putting a little italicized note after the Chapter header, or in parentheses next to it, "Blaze's POV" or something might help make that a little clearer ^^
That’s all! And of course, this is just my opinion, and I am no professional, so please take all advice with a grain of salt. I still enjoyed this piece as it is!
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
I've still no theories, so let's dive right into some highlights!
It is kinda funny that Rye gave Blaze a little sh*t for the dancing cat bit, but then is totally fine with this, awkwardness aside XDD
I love how THIS is what's on Blaze's mind, heading into a store that was reported to have a walker in it! I like this character, he's fun!
LOL, he was OFFENDED by that purple! I am loving this sort of banter
Ooo, love the little build in tension here, with the growing sounds and Rye's drawn-out reaction O.O
AAAAAH, what?!?! Not Rye, what's gonna happen here?!?! ToT
MadThoughts...Overall, that was such a tense cliffhanger, wow! Great chapter!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the horrid S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - After a well rest together, Blaze and Rye decide to get food for Puff! They go for the green bag at the Dollar General, the one Rye wants and everything is all good…until a walker comes and attacks Rye!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like that there is still a sense of horror with the walker’s presence, it reminded that this is not a mere slice of life story with Blaze and Rye, however cute they may be together. Oh and another thing I enjoy is how they care about each other! Blaze wants to make sure that Rye is okay, but Rye wants Blaze to be safe! It’s all so sweet!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fantastic chapter on how close a connection will stay, even in the midst of an apocalypse! Either Rye will be injured or he’ll become a zombie, but I will be sure to check out the next chapter. Now…
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^
Tysm for reviewing!
Yw!