In the wind we play,
wreathing in the air.
Our friends, the clouds, make faces at us as they look us down.
We move in circles,
you can hear our laughter no matter how far you go.
When it's time we take our leave,
our parents tell us not to climb the trees.
So we sit there at night,
when all the stars are bright,
now the moon, bright;big, who is no stranger to us, smiles warmly down.
As dawn approaches we are all wet,
we have fun in the sprinklers.
Then the wind picks up again,
and as grass, we all go through another day in the breeze.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi kitro. I thought this was very creative. I liked that you were talking about grass the whole time but your descriptions were so personified that the reader didn't know exactly what it was about until the end.
Try to fix that so that people will know what you mean. Looks like yuri found all of the grammar mistakes so if you just clean that up it should be find.
Like the previous reader I was confused about the use of the word "wrathing". Since there is no such word I'm not really sure what you meant.
Hope that helped at least a little bit.
~peanut~
Yes, well their is no children out at night. It was the grass on the ground that I was speaking of.
Hi there!
Here to you-know-it.
I was confused a bit when I read that word. So I think you meant to say 'Wreathing' instead of 'wrathing', right?
Observe in this line that you have used the word 'us' twice. Try to improve this sentence bu using another word.
Or something like this: Our friends, the clouds, make faces as they looked down at us. Just a suggestion.
And now all of a sudden it's rhyming? It's going to slightly spoil the flow of your poem.
Unnecessary semi-colon when you can just use a comma or add the word 'and' between those two adj. for that.
Overall:
Okay, just by looking at your title makes me think of something but totally different from the poem when I read it over. This is a good poem but you lacked descriptions. Yes, I can portray every line you make, but specific details are something that you must show. Like the atmosphere, the senses, how does the breeze feel?
Also, when I read the first few lines, I was thinking the place and the weather to be all sunny; the clouds above them, etc., but when I read it thoroughly, it went to nighttime! And why would the children be still outside during nighttime? It could've been better if you put this one during daytime, so we could imagine well the children and everything. And why would there be a sprinkler? it totally looks out of place.
I'm sorry, if you find this review vague 'cause I'm writing this one at midnight.hehe.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
_yuri_