I'm consumed in fire,
and drenched with hate...
All we need is love,
no pain, no worries, no fights.
As the wolf bellows to the moon,
I see sight of who I am.
I am not a hunter,
for I only hunt for my pride.
I needn't be subtracted from the pack,
only to know where I belong.
In your arms I'm safe,
nothing can hurt me but you.
I trust in you enough to know...
that no matter how far I go.
Forever and always-
I'll run to you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi Kit,
So, I thought this was cute. It had a nice flow and rhythm to it, but I think it could be better. What little imagery that you have is vague and doesn't give us much of an idea of what is going on. Take this:
A nice metaphor, but it needs more. We've seen 'consumed in fire' loads of times, so you can you add onto that in a way, maybe word it differently in a way that makes it more clear? 'Consumed in fire' opens many possibilities; is your narrator angry, frustrated, nervous? Also, putting the ellipsis after hate makes it seem like you're trying to force the drama. Don't do that; just let it come naturally.
Also, I am a little bit confused as to whether or not the idea of the wolf is a metaphor or literal. You make it out as the former, it seems, but then there isn't enough that shows why it's a metaphor. If it's literal, I'd expand more on what this wolf's like is like.
Hope this helps. ^^ Send me a PM if you need anything.
-Elinor x
Welcome the way I read it came off a negative, but to make this easier I suggest we both should stop bickering over this. Or I should stop, either way, this is behind us. The end.
Actually, If you read through what I said, You would infer i meant for you to have a more unique word choice.
Which has nothing to do with 'the meaning of poetry'. The reviewer below me basically said the same thing.
Thank you, and I have never heard of any of those songs though.
This is definitely a neat little poem.
There are, however, a couple of things that I think you could change to improve this overall.
I'm not sure if you are familiar with the song that also has this title, but it is formatted similarly. Unfortunately, even if this is an accident, I do think that it is something that will keep readers from really enjoying some of the more poignant parts of this. You've got a couple of cliches in here that are just begging to be rewritten ("all we need is love" is also a song, and it breaks up the rhythm of your poem, and the very beginning is a typical one).
I'm also a little tangled in the measure of this. Because you don't have it broken into stanzas, I am having a hard time deciding on your pace, and by the time I think I've got it, the poem has ended. If you establish a strong beat immediately, I think things will go much smoother.
Good work!
To KatTrain. Wow, I guess no one can see the meaning of poetry. When I wrote this it didn't come out of the blue. That was just a true attack on me, and I haven't reviewed any of your works and I wouldn't have said half the pure negative out bursts you wrote on mine. That's not cool at all, even if this was a critique this was truly all about how you didn't like it. You said nothing for me to improve my work. So please, in the future do not comment on any of my works with this bashing insult to me. Thanks.
I'm consumed in fire,
and drenched with hate...
All we need is love,-- boring, typical lines
no pain, no worries, no fights. --- boring language
As the wolf bellows to the moon,
I see sight of who I am.
I am not a hunter,
for I only hunt for my pride.
I needn't be subtracted from the pack,
only to know where I belong.
In your arms I'm safe,
nothing can hurt me but you.
I trust in you enough to know...
that no matter how far I go.
Forever and always-
The problem with this poem was the language was boring and the lines were typical. There was nothing unique to spark the reader's interest.
Hey kitrosemon13,
To start off, I like to mention my general impression of the work. It was good. I liked the overall themes--love, angst, running to the one you love--and all that stuff. I especially like the imagery of wolves (side note: I LOVE wolves!), so that part really grasped me.
What I didn't completely understand was the beginning and how it related to the rest of the piece as a whole. The first two lines start the poem off with a bang:
SO I think you're going to keep writing about those feelings, and the pain of being lost to hate, but then you switch to a completely opposite mindset, that kind of reminded me of a Beatles' song by saying
What's that about?
To me, I really liked the body of the poem (excepting a few snippets where the flow was a bit off), but the switch from burning hate to enduring love made me wonder just exactly what side of the fence you were trying to work with this poem.
Since the majority of the poem was about love and belonging to something, I drew the ultimate conclusion that that was what you were really wanting to express. Perhaps the best advice I can give you is to either rewrite the first two lines, or cut them altogether and make them the basis for an entirely different poem.
There were a few other issues I had about lines not making sense, but since I rather like randomosity, I'll let them be.
(But if you want to know my other thoughts, just PM me. I can give it another look over.)
Happy Writing!