Published May 31, 2010
This pain is so much for someone so young,
these thoughts have ran through my head for so long.
Now they are longing to be free,
I am ready to be set free but no one will let me.
This pain is apalling, fearful.
How horrible must this life be ?
This is a goodbye that cannont let anyone free.
We are all slaves under a democracy; dictators.
Everyone is forced to say goodbye.
As any goodbye, I say farewell,
may the being and the core of your exsitance thrive within these walls they have locked me in.
But just remember,
a goodbye is not just a word....
A goodbye is a death wish since we've been apart.
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Hey kitro!
One thing I think you can do is to talk about what pain... or at least give us a hint of what sort of pain you are talking about! Right now, it's a bit strange and ambiguous. I realize that when people are in pain, some of them are ambiguous of how they describe it, but at least it would be a good thing to know whether it is physical or emotional... it would make a big difference in the reading of this poem!
Best of luck!
I do not know if you caught this, but your rhyming is a bit off, between the first and second stanza it changes. I like the idea, but you need to clean up the line typing as well. Make them shorter and consider revising the last word of each line.
Well in saying the word 'democracy' and 'dictators' I mean't to say how goodbye is a word everyone is forced to say. I'll add that in so it can make more sense.
Hey there. Wow. This poem threw me for a loop. I found all these powerful phrases that communicated complete and deeply philosophical concepts, and I myself write a lot of open verse, rhythmic, imagery, and non-rhyming poetry; but I thought it was lacking something to make it stand out from the numberless poems on the internet. There is a lot in there, and a lot that when I broke it down I really, even really really, liked, but as a whole I did not find this poem satisfying. It needs a few rewrites, I believe, before it really sparkles. It did not strike me as finished.
Also, in the first stanza, the last to limes read very brokenly because of the repetition on the word free, just needs a little juggling of the words to work out and read a lot better.
On its topic, It reminded me of what Francis Schaeffer called 'the line of despair.' That's enough information to research if you're interested. Also, Line 11. was a blatantly a political opinion, which while I don't really disagree with you on the thought, but it was completely either too direct to fit in with the rest of the poem or related in a way only you can understand inside the confines of this poem.
My absolute favorite part that I am still musing over are the last three words.
Thank you for sharing.
Keep writing,
Mandorlute
There are some excellent elements about your poem.
For one, there is a very definite emotion you are trying to target in your poem. The reader can sense that. I think you've developed the stormy, trapped feelings in your poem well.
Some of your lines are quite original, and that's wonderful. I especially liked:
I think that's a fantastic way of expressing your feelings of loss.
The one line I didn't quite understand was this one.
I'm not sure how the word 'dictators' fits into the sentence.
Overall, you have a nice poem here. Good job!
--Glim