z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Family and Friends (part2)

by ChocoDanish


Chapter 14

He was still suspicious of Jasmine. The contestants of the tournament were underhand and scheming beings. She might be acting all innocent to make them lower their then strike them down in that moment. He sighed tiredly and massaged his temple in hopes to soothe himself even a little bit, that’s one of the reasons he made his own guild.

Another was, he didn’t want to be part of his family guilds. His mother would have full control over him if he joined any of the many guilds that his family had established over the years. Thankfully, he can choose his life partner. He would have chosen disownment over a union for power, fame and riches. He continued to ponder over Jasmine and her motives until Alice came and requested his help with Spiral’s training.

“Do you trust Jasmine?” Virgil inquired to Alice seeking for some sagely wisdom from her. “For now”, was her answer to him and he understood her meaning. “I have to clear up some paperwork for the guild”, Virgil said sullenly to Alice. “The luxuries of a guild master”, Alice teased him with a huge grin on her face.

“If you are not gonna help then get me something to eat and drink”, Virgil instructed her with a little playfulness in his voice. “Okie dokie guild master-san”, Alice playfully saluted at him before leaving. Virgil shakes his head with a small smile gracing his face.

Virgil had to deal with paperwork till late at night while Alice helps to replenish his snacks and drinks because the servants would serve him some nasty tasting healthy snacks and drinks. Out of all the achievements over the years, not one person tried to make decent tasting snacks and drinks. He manage to get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep before next day. At the dining room the next day, "The food is delicious", Jasmine said merrily gorging down food. "We have a wonderful cook", Virgil said to her trying to be as pleasant as possible.

After that, everyone ate in the awkward silence until it was time for their morning spar. Spiral was caught off guard by the fact that she would be training with Virgil this morning. While, Virgil was blindsided by Spiral’s luscious curves in the judogi and he nearly drooled at the sight if it weren’t for Alice stealthily jabbing him. Virgil kept a close eye on Spiral because Jasmine had joined their training. Spiral was really good, not many human girls were good at martial arts. 

After the training, Jasmine stuck on Spiral like a leech. It got on his nerves, Virgil doesn’t know if she is doing it unintentionally or not. He needs to have a talk with Jasmine but before he could Alice dragged him off. Now, he was taking his bath with Alice. “Why did you drag me here?” questioned Virgil in a very irritated manner.

“You were sweaty”, Alice casually answered. Virgil grumbled at her. "What is with the sour face?" asked Alice playfully. "Nothing", Virgil sighed. "Is it really nothing?" Alice questioned with a knowing look. Virgil pouted at her. "Come on you can talk to me”, Alice prodded Virgil.

"Well I do not know if it is something or not”, Virgil said wearily at her. "You are worried about Spiral’s well-being", Alice stated. Virgil blushed in embarrassment and slightly nod in acknowledgement. “She is a strong”, Alice said to Virgil.

“Yeah, she is”, Virgil agreed with a smile. Virgil went out of the bath then Jasmine went in. “Hey Alice”, Jasmine greeted happily. “Hey, Jas”, Alice greeted back equally happy. “How are you?” Alice questioned her.

“I’m good but I can’t seem to win any of my fights”, Jasmine replied a little dishearten. “You can’t just attack and hope you will win”, Alice commented. Jasmine looked away in shame. “It’s alright we will help you to be stronger”, Alice comforted her. “Thanks”, Jasmine said back to her usual cheerful self.

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Chapter 15

The next day a plant servant came rushing in the dining room while Spiral and the others were having breakfast. "The mistress is here!" announced the plant servant. Few minutes later, an epitome of a proper lady came into the room and there was a weird tension. "Mother”, Virgil said in a very cold tone. "It is good to see you again son", Virgil's mother said sarcastically.

"Who are these two ladies?" asked his mother. "Friends”, he tightly answered her. Spiral could see he was trying to suppress his anger. "Why are you here?" the old lady asked to Virgil's mother in a lethal tone.

"Can I not check up on my child?” Virgil's mother asked in a mocking tone. "I lost my appetite", Virgil said while leaving the room. "Let us talk in private", the old lady said to Virgil's mother.

Once the two had left and out of earshot, "Why was there a bad tension between Virgil and his mother?" Spiral asked Alice. "His mother abandoned him when his father lost everything in the first round of the tournament", said Alice.

"What happened to Virgil's dad?" asked Jasmine in a small voice. "He died", Alice said swiftly. Tears pricked Spiral's eyes and Jasmine hugged Spiral. “Unfortunately, that is common thing that happens to losing contestants”, Jasmine said sadly.

“Do not fret Virgil is a very strong boy", said Alice to ease Spiral's worries. "I am going to look for Virgil", Spiral said and then left. “I know that there aren’t many hybrids left”, Alice stated to Jasmine.

“Yeah, we aren’t sturdy beings like crystals”, Jasmine said a little jokingly. “But your animal characteristics can be helpful unlike humans, we have to rely on our wits”, Alice said with a playful smile.

“Guess we all have our own strength and weaknesses”, Jasmine said while rubbing the back of her neck in embarrassment. “Let’s go train”, Alice invited Jasmine. “Alright”, Jasmine accepted feeling pumped. Once they arrived at the training hall, Alice took out her whip and Jasmine took out her lollipop wand.

“That a new weapon right?” Alice questioned Jasmine. “Yeah, it is and I haven’t learn any good skills yet”, Jasmine answered sheepishly. “Are you a newbie?” asked Alice. “Yes, I joined the tournament a few weeks ago and joined a guild a few days ago”, Jasmine answered.

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Chapter 16

He went to the library to get away from his mother. He suddenly heard Spiral's voice calling him. Virgil turned around and saw her. "He did not deserved this wonderful girl, no woman's concern", Virgil thought to himself.

She then broke into tears, Virgil instinctively hugged Spiral. "Please do not cry for me", Virgil said despondently while wiping her tears away. "Am I not allowed to care for you?!" Spiral exclaimed in his embrace. He let go of her and looked away in shame.

"You should not care about me but for yourself", Virgil said in a pained voice with his back to her. "Why can’t I care for you and myself?” Spiral asked Virgil softly. He did not answer or turn around to face her. "Please answer me ", Spiral said gently with a cracking voice.

He turned around and saw all of Spiral’s emotions in her big beautiful eyes, which made his heartache. They just stared at each other in silence. "The tournament is a dangerous place and you can only rely on yourself" Virgil said harshly to Spiral and breaking the silence between them.

"I know that but I won’t abandon people that I can help", Spiral snapped at Virgil. Before Virgil could retort Spiral, Virgil’s mother burst in the library. "I just wanted to let you know that I am leaving", Virgil’s mother said in a loud angry voice. Then, Virgil’s mother stormed out of the room.

"You two ought to be in school", Virgil’s grandmother appeared and pointed out. The both hurriedly prepared and head off to school. Virgil really wanted to tell Spiral that she can’t help everyone and sometimes someone doesn’t deserve her help.

"Spiral is still too naive", Virgil quietly told himself. Virgil was in misery not knowing a way to protect Spiral. Virgil was so engrossed in his thoughts that Virgil didn’t notice his class teacher had introduced a new student.

Until, a familiar mocking voice greeted Virgil “Hey, pretty boy”. Virgil looked to his side and saw Kage. "What are you doing here?" asked Virgil in a very lethal tone. "Well I thought it would be easier to date Spiral if I was in the same school", Kage replied smugly.

Flashback

"Why did you come here?" Virgil asked Kage in a deadly tone. "I came to asked Spiral to go on a date with me", Kage said in a sickening perverted way. "Spiral would never date a pervert like you", he said to Kage angrily.

End flashback

"You…” Kage cut Virgil off "Now, now you do not want to make a ruckus here". Virgil contained his anger until he was back at the manor. Virgil took out his anger on the wooden dummies by imagining them as Kage.

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Chapter 17

The table that she usually sat at was less lonely now that Jasmine was here. Spiral noticed the confused expressions of her school mates. Spiral could imagine the confusion of her schoolmates.

They never saw a hybrid before and it was the same for her but Spiral learned she needs to adapt quickly to survive. Glancing at Jasmine, who was obliviously tearing into her sandwich and couldn't help but smile.

Regardless of what everyone else may think of Jasmine, Spiral was glad to have company. Spiral didn't even notice Kage approaching from behind her seat.

"Now, who is this cutie?" Kage asked while leaning close to Spiral to irk Virgil.

"None of your business", Virgil intervene and then dragged Spiral to a very secluded part of school. Kage continued to flirt with Jasmine and Jasmine feeling scared fled the canteen to look for Spiral. "This is exactly my point!” Virgil shouted at Spiral once they stopped.

"I…umm… ", Spiral was not able to retort and look down to her feet in mortification. Virgil lifted Spiral chin making her look directly at him. "Spiral, you need to understand the dangers of the tournament", Virgil pleaded to Spiral.

She gulped and just stood there like a statue from shame. "Kage wants to date you", Virgil said after a few minutes of awkward silence. "Oh...” was the only words that came out of her mouth.

“You need to prepare for it because Kage could do something to hurt you" Virgil stated in a very serious manner. "I understand", Spiral said in a small voice.

The school bell rang

"We should head back to class", Spiral said. He grab her wrist as she was leaving and pulled her close to him. She was really shocked. Spiral uttered his name in a stuttered manner. "Please be careful", Virgil begged Spiral. "I will”, Spiral said reassuringly to Virgil.

He smiled and then he kissed Spiral hand that he was holding as a courtesy. She gasped in surprise. "Spiral!" they heard Jasmine voice calling out in the distance. Virgil broke the kiss and headed back to his class that was the other way. While, Spiral was standing there completely stunned.

"There you are Spiral, come on", Jasmine said upon arriving while tugging Spiral’s hand. In class, Spiral tried to concentrate on the teacher but ultimately fail. She touched her right hand that Virgil kissed.

That word echoed in Spiral’s mind "Are you okay Spiral you look like you have a fever?" Jasmine asked in a concern voice. “I am fine", Spiral said with a little smile. When, they arrived home Spiral immediately looked for Virgil and found him training and she could not help but stare.

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Chapter 18

Things became awkward for Spiral. "Morning", Spiral greeted everyone in the dining hall. "Mm….” was Virgil's response. “Did something happened?" the old lady asked with a more cold and serious tone than usual.

"None of your concern grandma Augustia", Virgil snapped at his grandmother. "Now you’re starting to be insolent Virgil", said the old lady in a venomous tone. "May I be excused?" asked Spiral.

"No, you may not", said the old lady with anger in her tone of voice. Spiral gulped nervously because she could feel the menacing aura the old lady was emitting. "Come Jasmine let us eat our breakfast in another room", Alice invited Jasmine while completely ignoring Augustia threatening presence.

"Okay", Jasmine accepted while hastily following Alice to another room. "Start packing now", commanded the old lady while glaring intensely at both of them. Spiral looked at Virgil and Virgil looked back at Spiral.

"Now", Augustia’s voice boomed throughout the dining hall. They both hurriedly left the dining room and looked for Alice and Jasmine. “We are leaving”, Virgil stated when they found Alice and Jasmine.

“Why?” Alice and Jasmine questioned Virgil in unison. “Grandma Augustia kicked us out”, Virgil answered in a deadpan voice. They all packed their things and headed towards Spiral’s apartment.

With the four of them there it became incredibly cramped. Thankfully, with Virgil’s influence and wealth, he was able to buy the entire apartment complex. So, all of them had their own private quarters to live in.

Virgil also set up their base there, equipped with the necessary weapons, armors, surveillance, holding cells and training areas. At the girl’s bathroom in school, “We heard you caused Virgil to be banished to the slums with you”, said a girl in middle of a trio.

“No, he did that own his own”, Spiral retorted. The middle girl lunged at Spiral but Spiral easily dodged. Which, cause the middle girl to face plant on the floor and cried. Spiral looked at the other two challengingly.

The two girls pick upped their friend and left hurriedly. Jasmine came in minutes later, “I heard saw a girl crying, is everything okay?” Jasmine asked worryingly at Spiral. “Yeah”, Spiral answered with a smile disguising her anger and sadness.

She may not have caused Virgil to be banished but it still hurts Spiral when Virgil gets hurt in some way. Both Jasmine and Spiral was amaze when they entered their base after school had ended.

“Not bad”, Alice stated while surveying the area. “Also I hate to admit it but your grandmother is right, we need more members”, Alice said to Virgil in a serious manner.

“I’ll put word out that this guild is accepting members”, Virgil sighed wearily. “Spiral and me are going to train”, Jasmine said to Virgil and Alice. “Don’t forget to do your homework”, Alice reminded them as they left. “I need a nap”, Virgil said before leaving.

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Chapter 19

During that same day, "I made Spiral worry again", Virgil said to himself while walking to class. Virgil has not made her smile or laugh, he does not even know how to put her at ease. If it weren’t for Alice, Spiral would have been a nervous wreck. “How can I get close to her like Alice does...?" Virgil was too engrossed in his thoughts that he slammed into the classroom door.

His female classmates were concerned about his face. Virgil went to the nurse's office to avoid their annoying questions. "That is an awful bruise you have, did you get into a fight?" asked the elder male nurse.

"No, I walked into my classroom door", Virgil answered bashfully. The elder male nurse tried hard to stifle his laugh. Virgil's face became redder from embarrassment. Virgil’s face was almost as red as his hair. "Now let's get that bruised taken care of", said the elder male nurse.

After, Virgil was treated he went back to class and Kage valiantly laugh at his predicament. Virgil did his best to suppress his annoyance towards Kage."What am I gonna do?" Virgil thought to himself. Virgil never tried to get close to anyone before, it is always the other way around.

There is also preparing for the tournament. Virgil sighed heavily he made things so complicated. If only he was not from a wealthy family, it would be less complicated. “Those pesky observers would definitely already know the current situation", Virgil thought to himself.

"Wait, how would Kage date Spiral? He was in the same predicament as me, his from a wealthy family and is involved in the tournament too", Virgil was puzzled. Virgil decided to ask Kage "How are you going to date Spiral?”.

“Well I don't give a damn about other people’s opinion and I would double my efforts in defeating her cause for me it would be offensive if someone goes easy on me because they have “feelings” for me", Kage stated with a devious smirk.

"I'm a straightforward and simple guy", Kage declares proudly. "I see", Virgil said surprised by Kage’s declaration. "If only I could be like him not caring about my grandmother's opinion and not allowing my emotions affect my fighting abilities", Virgil thought despondently.

"I'm gonna ask Spiral to go out with me tomorrow", Kage told Virgil bluntly. That sentence made Virgil have a mental fight with himself "I should let Spiral go, Kage might make her happy", "That would make Spiral think that I’m a spineless idiot", "It better than the monster that is always hurting her and making her worry".

Jasmine voice brought Virgil back from his thoughts. "Hey Virgil, are you sleeping with your eyes open?" Jasmine asked with her face mere inches away from his. "No, just thinking", Virgil responded. "Well you should continue your thinking at home, since it's time to go home", Jasmine stated.

"Alright, where is Spiral?" Virgil asked noticing Spiral was not with her. "She went ahead to get ready for the “fight” with you know who", Jasmine answer with the obvious concerned in her voice.

"There is nothing to worry about, Spiral is strong", Virgil try easing Jasmine’s concerned by petting her head. Jasmine smiled widely and energetically head out of his classroom. "Come on Virgil!" Jasmine exclaimed. "I'm coming!" Virgil shouted back at her with a little smile.

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Chapter 20

The next day early morning at school, "Yush, gonna ask Spiral out", Kage fist pump in his mind. Kage noticed Spiral coming out of the school gate. "Spiral!" Kage called out to her while waving.

Spiral smiled warmly while waving back at him. Kage’s heart thumped loudly in his chest in nervousness. He needed to complete this mission successful or else. "Tell me during recess", Kage said in his usual buoyant manner. "Alright", Spiral said in a small voice.

After school, "So where are we heading?" Spiral asked in a melodious tone. "To the park", Kage replied with a big smile on his face. "Can we get something to eat first before we head there?" Spiral asked softly. "Of course", He replied gleefully.

"There is a convenience store nearby", Spiral pointed out. "Would you like to go to a café instead?" Kage asked considerately. "I have never been to a café before", Spiral replied. "The cafe I am taking you to have good food, if it is not to your liking you can hit me as hard as you can", Kage proposed.

"I trust you, there is no need to be that drastic", Spiral said with concern look. Kage ignored it and held Spirals hand which made Spiral gasped in surprised. "Am I holding your hand too tight?" Kage asked with fake concern in his eyes and voice.

"No, it is just your hand is warm", Spiral replied shyly with a little pink taint gracing her features. Kage chuckled lightly while with the other hand pointing at himself and said "I am not a coldblooded being, I assure you". Spiral smiled cutely with a small blush on her face towards him.

Kage was over the moon because everything seemed to be going as plan. "Is there any type of food or drink you dislike?" Kage asked Spiral with his usual enthusiasm. "I do not like goya and coffee ", she answered him casually. “So nothing bitter?" he questioned her. She nodded in response.

"There is a wonderful chocolate banana cake at the cafe", he said. "Is there any dessert with grape?" she asked him. "Yeah", he said happily while leading her to the cafe. They arrived at the cafe and it was design simple and cute way. They went inside and got a table.

He pulled out a chair for her before taking a seat himself. "Thank you", she said to him. Moments later, the waiter arrived and handed them the menu."Kage, I do not think I can afford any of the food and drinks here", Spiral said at the time she saw the prices on the menu.

"It is alright, I am paying for both of us", he said with a comforting smile. "You’re the first guy that has been this nice to me", she said and feeling flattered by the sentiment. "Well I want your first date be as enjoyable as possible", he said to her with a grin.

Spiral blushed deeply and hid her face behind the menu. "You look adorable every time you blush", he stated as his grin became wider. The waiter coughed slightly to remind both of them of his existence. The two of them started to order their food and drinks.

“I am really happy that you accepted my request to go on this date", Kage said. "I am glad I did too", Spiral said with a warm smile no longer blushing. Meanwhile at the Harp residence, "I cannot believe that guy really asked Spiral out today", Virgil said out loud in utter shock to himself. He began to think back on the event.

Flashback

The three of them got out of the car and went through the school gate. Virgil as usual was greeted by countless shrieking girls. In the midst of that a male voice penetrate through the loud screaming female voices and that male voice was calling out Spiral's name.

Virgil looked for the root of the voice and saw that it was Kage shouting and waving his arms in the air. The mob of girls became silent at the moment they notice a male student was trying to get Spiral's attention.

Spiral made her way to Kage and he asked her out in front of all of the school. Everyone was shocked including Spiral herself. "Tell me during recess", Kage said in his usual buoyant manner. "Alright", Spiral said in a small voice. Rumors and gossip were beginning to spread like wildfire that morning.

"Waahh that was really an impressive way to ask someone on a date" Jasmine said loudly while they were in the hallway. "He is just an attention seeking child", one of their schoolmate said.

The first bell rang, and the students rush into their classroom. Once, Virgil was in his classroom he notice a small group surrounding Kage seating place. "Excuse me", Kage said in a vicious manner from behind the group. The group scatter like cockroaches. Kage had a smug smirk on his face, which Virgil wanted so badly to punch off.

End Flashback

Virgil was enraged by the memory. "What is bothering you?" Virgil heard Jasmine voice asked behind him. "Nothing", Virgil simply replied. Jasmine looked at Virgil doubtfully while crossing her arms causing Virgil to sigh deeply.

"Do you not trust me?" Jasmine question Virgil in a serious manner. Virgil was taken aback because he had never seen Jasmine serious before. "I trust you, it is just I do not wish to bother you with my trivial problem", Virgil said to Jasmine with a weak smile and sadness in his eyes. Jasmine would give him a warm and comforting hug and for the first time Virgil would let himself cry in Jasmine arms.

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Chapter 21

The waiter headed off after reading their orders back to make sure they were right. "Tell me how you are so good in sports?" Kage asked with a smile on his face.

Spiral would blush slightly as she answered while stroking h on the side of her face away "I just enjoy exercising and the outdoors". Kage thought the sight was absolutely adorable. Moments later, their orders arrived.

She ordered chocolate milkshake and an Agilo Olio. While, Kage ordered a mango shake, a fettuccine chicken alfredo and a beaumes-de-venise cake. They were interrupted before they could take a bite, "Kage!” a girl called out while waving.

Spiral recognize that girl and the two girls behind her. They were those nasty girls from the bathroom, the day Virgil...Spiral blushed deep crimson at the memory. "Che what is the tomboy doing here?" the girl asked in snide manner.

"She is my date and I insist you to apologize to her for your rude behavior", Kage demanded roughly. The girl apologize, she and her entourage left the cafe. Spiral look at Kage that was angrily glaring at them. "Thank you for defending me", Spiral said with a smile.

"You’re welcome", He said rubbing his nose as a habit when he is embarrassed. Meanwhile at the Harp residence, Jasmine was comforting a sobbing Virgil. Virgil had calmed down and wiping away his tears.

"I have an idea", Jasmine said with a mischievous grin. "W-What is it?" Virgil asked stuttering a bit. "Let us spy on Spiral", Jasmine answered excitedly. "Alright", Virgil agreeing without a second thought.

Spiral's cellphone rang, alerting her there was a text message. She would politely excuse herself to check and reply the message. It was from Virgil and he asked Spiral "Where are you?” and she replied "At a cafe name Dessert".

Then, she went back to the table that Kage was eagerly waiting for her return. "Who was that?" Kage asked curiously. "Virgil", Spiral replied quickly. "Are you two romantically involved?" Kage asked bluntly serious.

She could not help but gape in shock. Spiral regain her composure in a few seconds after that. "No, we are merely acquaintances", Spiral answered him while taking a seat.

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Chapter 22

Meanwhile, Virgil and Jasmine were making their way to the cafe. Jasmine altered their appearance by casting a spell on them using her lollipop shaped staff. They were in disguises so that Spiral would not spot them.

Their outfit were generic pastel colors, so they would not catch anyone's attention especially Virgil since he had so many admirers. They took a seat at a nearby table but not too close for either Kage or Spiral to notice them.

"I wonder what they are talking about?" questioned Jasmine in a small voice. "Probably about lovey mushy stuff", Virgil merely guessed. Kage felt a familiar presence of a being with magical abilities entered the cafe.

It took Kage a few minutes to locate it and he could not be more delighted seeing Jasmine and Virgil were spying on them. Kage took the opportunity to irk Virgil to no end by flirting with Spiral.

At their table, Spiral and Kage were discussing about their daily life. "Maybe we could jog together this weekend", suggested Kage. "People would think and talk badly about you if you are seen with me regularly", Spiral point out with a hint of concern in her voice.

"They do that because they are just jealous of you", said Kage trying to ease Spiral's worry. "Why would they be jealous of me?" asked Spiral out of genuine curiosity. "For many reasons, one of them is that you’re a humble person", Kage answered.

"Thank you", Spiral said while blushing slightly which Kage thought was cute and made Virgil emit a low growl from witnessing the whole scene. "Calm down or they will notice us", Jasmine being the voice of reason at the moment.

Virgil took a deep breath and calmed himself a little. "You're most welcome", Kage said with a big smile plastered on his face. Jasmine’s food and drinks arrived just after Virgil had shown this situation is bothering him greatly. As Spiral and Kage were enjoying their meal, a shadowy figure cast over them.

"Looks like you’re having fun", snickered the stranger with orange eyes, dark skin and flowy white hair. "Fang! What are you doing here?" Kage questioned in shock and fury. "Just making sure my dog doesn't stray too far", Fang retorted Kage evilly.

"What is he talking about Kage?" Spiral asked in great confusion. "Oh! How delicious, she doesn't know", Fang stated and is very amused by the situation. "Kage?" Spiral said his name as a plea for him to explain.

"I'm sorry", was all Kage said before disappearing with Fang. “The people in the cafe seemed to be unaware what had transpire. That man must have activated the bracelet powers”, thought Virgil.

"Thank you for dining in our cafe, we hope you come again", said the waiter snapping Spiral out of her thoughts. Spiral looked at bill and Kage had paid it before he vanished.

She quickly made her way back to the mansion completely oblivious to Virgil and Jasmine presence in the cafe.Her heart was aching, Kage was the only guy that would spend time with her without any shame.

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Chapter 23

Virgil was having mixed feelings about the situation. Virgil was glad Kage is gone but sad that it hurt Spiral. "Who was that guy that came out of nowhere?" question Jasmine and bring Virgil out of his thoughts.

"That was Fang, he is the leader of an elite mafia family", answered Virgil with distaste. "Oh my goodness, why is Kage involved with someone like that?" Jasmine asked the panic in her voice was obvious.

"I do not know but I am going to find out", Virgil said firmly. Through weeks of vigorous investigation he finally found his answer. Jasmine has been making sure that Virgil did not pushed himself too hard during the investigation.

Spiral recovered from her hurt and confused state. She has been worried about Kage well-being but did not let it faze her. "Spiral can we talk in private?" Virgil asked kindly after they had their dinner and she was heading to bed.

"Sure", Spiral answered a bit curious. They headed to their base to have their private conversation. “Spiral I have a confession to make”, Virgil said nervously. She waited for him to continue calmly.

"I followed you during your date with Kage, because I was worried for your safety", Virgil said hoping that Spiral could forgive him. "Thank you for your concern Virgil", Spiral said with no hint of anger but gratitude.

He was taken aback but regain his composure and continued "I found out that Fang uses threats to make his guilds". "Who is this Fang you speak of?" questioned Spiral. "It was the guy that came out of nowhere", Virgil explained.

"Oh, why would Fang threaten people?" Spiral asked with concern displaying on her face. "That is part of the tournament", Virgil answered. "That is awful why would such thing be allowed?" Spiral questioned with obvious disgust towards Fang.

"I told you that the tournament is a dangerous place" Virgil scolded Spiral. "Yes, you did", Spiral said with a hurt voice and look. "I’m not trying to hurt you on purpose but the contestants will", Virgil explained.

"I understand, the tournament was born from greed for power", Spiral said in great detest. "Yes and I found out the location Kage is being held captive is at Fang’s private island”, Virgil said to Spiral.

"We need to go and rescue them from Fang's evil clutches", Spiral insisted. "I knew you were going to say that, so I had Alice made preparations", Virgil said proudly for being able to predict Spiral's thoughts.

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Chapter 24

At a damp and dense jungle, Kage was held captive in a dark and humid underground cell. Kage’s hands and legs are bound by magic restriction chains. “Did you really think I would not find out about your mission?” Fang taunted Kage with an evil grin.

Kage doesn’t look or answer Fang and he scoffed at Kage then left. Fang was raised in a mafia family filled with countless deceitful people. His own parents tried to kill him. But, Fang survived and became the leader of the top mafia family.

Fang instills loyalty in his guild members but don’t trust anyone at all. Because Fang expects that he will be betrayed eventually by his guild members. Meanwhile at the base of Pirate Demon, Alice was preparing a stealth teleportation circle that can get into a high level barrier without detection which cost her five shiny sun eight brilliant moon and nine star ball.

Once the preparations are completed, Virgil, Spiral and Jasmine were teleported to Fang’s private island. They kept close to each other while Jasmine tried to find any sign of Kage.

While they were walking, they triggered a motion sensing trap which cause Virgil and Spiral to fall into hole that closed up after they fell and Jasmine was caught by an anti-magic net.

Jasmine struggled on the ground trying to break free from the net. A figure in the trees saw this unfold. The figure approached Jasmine slowly and then destroyed the net with a quick slash.

Once she was free, she saw a white tiger hybrid with a skull mask on and titanium tail wearing scruffy clothes standing over her. “Who are you?” questioned Jasmine while being wary of the white tiger because it has a weapon attached on its lower right arm and a pouch strapped on its upper left arm.

“I’m Streifen”, introduced the white tiger in an aloof manner. Realizing the white tiger had no malicious intent Jasmine relaxed a little. “I’m Jasmine and I have to save my friends from some evil being”, Jasmine said to the white tiger. “Do you even know where they are?” the white tiger questioned Jasmine. “No”, Jasmine answered the white tiger dejectedly.

“Well, if you charge in without a plan, you definitely will be annihilated or taken as a prisoner just like your friends”, they said while hoping on to a tree and getting comfortable. “Do you have a better idea?” she snapped at white tiger’s aloof attitude.

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Chapter 25

Before the white tiger could answer the alarm sirens came blaring around them, “That’s our cue to hide”, Streifen stated while casting a high level cloaking spell on both of them like it was the simplest thing to do in the world. “Why are you helping me?” questioned Jasmine wary they might have an ulterior motive.

“I have someone to save too”, Streifen answered her with a listless voice then lead them to a bunker that was nearby. In that very moment, tons of people began spewing out of the door. “Don’t underestimate them, Fang made sure to eliminate any weaklings”, Streifen warned Jasmine nonchalantly.

Jasmine gulped in fear, she had never stormed a guild before. “I literally can smell your fear wafting off you”, they said indifferently to Jasmine. Jasmine gathered her remaining courage and asked Streifen “Can we form a temporary alliance?” with a shaky voice.

“Sure”, they answered with a lazy yawn from behind the mask. Jasmine is shocked by Streifen lethargic attitude, she doesn’t know if Streifen is confident or purely lazy. “They aren’t in this bunker so onto the next one”, Streifen slothfully stated before disappearing.

Jasmine was left in a state of confusion and panic. “That tiger hybrid agreed to form a temporary alliance with me but went off own his own”, Jasmine said as she fell to her hand and knees in despair.

Meanwhile in some dark and humid hole, “Are you alright Spiral?” Virgil asked into the darkness. There was no response which made Virgil worried. Virgil tried to move around but found out he was stuck in some small hole.

Virgil hit the wall and cursed in frustration. Back to Jasmine, “I should have worked more on detection magic than attacking ones”, Jasmine said regretfully as she aimlessly wanders around the jungle. Then Streifen voice surprised her from behind, “Where have you been”, Jasmine asked in an annoyed voice.

“I told you, to check the other bunkers”, Streifen yawned from behind their mask. “You seemed pretty relaxed despite the circumstances”, Jasmine pointed out to Streifen and being increasingly annoyed by the tiger hybrid. “There is no point in losing our composure”, Streifen stated with a lazy tone. Jasmine pouted in defeat because the intersex white tiger hybrid has a good point.

______________________________________________________________________________

Author Note: i hope I don't offend anyone and see you in Fluffs


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104 Reviews


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Reviews: 104

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Mon Nov 20, 2017 1:57 pm
Danni88 wrote a review...



Whoa, this is WAY too long. If a work is as long as this it puts people off and makes it harder to read, so if I were you I would mash together some of the chapters and do them separately, or just cut the whole thing into quarters. In chapters 24-25, it's one scene split up. They are way too short to be separate.
When you write dialogue sections, you need to split them up, like so:
"Hello," said Mr Example. "Lovely day." said Mrs Example. "Shall we go to the shops?" asked Mr Example. "We have run out of bread." agreed Mrs Example. "We can go now," said Mr Example.
should be
"Hello," said Mr Example.
"Lovely day." said Mrs Example.
"Shall we go to the shops?" asked Mr Example.
"We have run out of bread." agreed Mrs Example.
"We can go now," said Mr Example.
That not only looks a lot better, it is clearer to read and grammatically correct! Given every review has addressed this concern, you really need to take it up.

Also, you jump from tense to tense, which is really confusing and doesn't help the atmosphere. Just google it or find a grammar book, it's not that hard to learn. Like Rosendorn, I need to see some more body language. And I don't see many descriptions of surroundings.
Also, you need to use pronouns: he, she, etc. You will often repeat the same name over and over. Look at this example:

Lucy walked down the road. Lucy spotted her friend Ben coming out of his house, so Lucy went over to chat to Ben. After a short conversation Lucy suddenly realised she was late for school, so Lucy ran down the street and managed to catch the last bus.
Lucy walked down the road. She spotted her friend Ben coming out of his house, so she went over to chat to him. After a short conversation Lucy suddenly realised she was late for school, so she ran down the street and managed to catch the last bus.


Overall, this is a good storyline, but grammatically it's really bad. If you take up the advice of your reviewers, it will soon become amazing.

Danni xox




ChocoDanish says...


the tenses i'm trying my best to fix them. it be nice to know where they are but ok. the paragraph is a whole issue with me. this is as much paragraphing i can manage at the moment without having a panic attack. thx for the review.



Danni88 says...


You're welcome! There are a lot of tense mistakes, maybe you should google the properties of each tense then spend like five minutes learning them. How come you panic at paragraphs? It's easy once you get the hang of it. Just do one each time somebody speaks, a new character is introduced, or the scene changes. I used to really struggle too



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Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:51 pm
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

First things first, dialogue formatting! A new paragraph should happen every time a new person speaks, and the commas should be inside the quotation marks. Which means this:

“You were sweaty”, Alice casually answered. Virgil grumbled at her. "What is with the sour face?" asked Alice playfully. "Nothing", Virgil sighed. "Is it really nothing?" Alice questioned with a knowing look. Virgil pouted at her. "Come on you can talk to me”, Alice prodded Virgil.


Should be this:

“You were sweaty,” Alice casually answered.

Virgil grumbled at her.

"What is with the sour face?" asked Alice playfully.

"Nothing," Virgil sighed.

"Is it really nothing?" Alice questioned with a knowing look.

Virgil pouted at her.

"Come on you can talk to me,” Alice prodded Virgil.


As you can see, it's much easier to keep track of who's saying what when they're on individual paragraphs! If you go through the whole work, you'll be well on your way to making this work worlds better.

As for the dialogue itself, it relies very heavily on "said tags" to describe what the tone of voice is. Tone of voice is only about 38% of how people get meaning out of words— while body language is 50%. As a result, your dialogue becomes much stronger when you add in body language!

You can do this by having the actions happen before the dialogue happens. So in the bit I quoted above, you can have a line that looks like this:

Alice poked Virgil. "Come on you can talk to me.”


These action tags help add a lot of characterization to people, because suddenly you're working very heavily with the core of how you generate meaning. You can also generate a ton of tone of voice by the actions, indicating frowns and tension and stiff spines. This cuts out the need for the bulk of said tags, and you can work with characters instead of words.

You can take a look at this article to get into using body language more, and adding some description interspersed in dialogue.

Adding all that in will make this work worlds better. Right now the ideas are pretty cool, but the execution could use some polish. If you improve these things, you'll be well on your way to a super strong work!

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




ChocoDanish says...


@Rosendorn did I describe alice's appearance at all? and sorry but I won't be adding more spaces but i will be trying the body language thing. Thank u for ur feedback



Rosendorn says...


I'm not talking about describing her physical looks. I'm talking about describing how she and all the other characters move, how they interact with the world around them, carry themselves, and interact with others. Body language basics, that sort of thing.

The added spaces I'm requesting are literally standard formatting for every novel in existence. They're what make dialogue readable. If you don't put them in, the dialogue becomes practically impossible to follow.



Rosendorn says...


I really genuinely don't care what the characters look like. In my own novel, I describe how the characters look maybe 5 times in 20,000 words, and even then it's not in full. People are going to imagine the looks anyway, so there really isn't much point in a full physical description unless you're writing a genre fic piece that demands it (like romance)



ChocoDanish says...


@Rosendorn I care about if i describe the characters looks or not and yeah Ik what u mean about the body language thing. ll-_- maybe in the far off future after I die then there be spacing in the dialogue cause someone else might take over the writing. thanks for the feedback



ChocoDanish says...


@Rosendorn sorry if I sound mean. Paragraphing is a personal issue of mine



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Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:31 pm
Moalex wrote a review...



Hello! Moalex here for a Review. My goodness, this is quite a lengthy. I can see that all of your chapters are incredibly short and that the length of this page is due to the many chapters that you smashed all-together.

If possible, please have a title for your work. I saw at the very top that this started with chapter 14 and I was wondering if I should go to the first chapter for a quick skim to get a better idea about your story. Apparently,'Fluffs' and 'Beginning' were your other works. At first, I thought they were their own separate stories. Having a proper title for all of your works will tell us which story comes first.

First of all, I'd like to address your chapters. Of course, there's no required length of a chapter and such, but I feel like you could really mash some of the chapters together. You have multiple chapters where they're still in the same scene.

Secondly, speech. I think you need to read up on how to write dialogue within a story. Just google it and read a little bit. It's nothing difficult. Once you learn how to write dialogue, just let me know, I'll gladly read your story again.

Hopefully this helps! Good job and Keep writing.




ChocoDanish says...


@Moalex yeah i don't have points to put each chapter on their own page yet



Moalex says...


I see, that's okay. You'll get enough eventually.




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