Sorry, this chapter is a little bland, but every novel has these chapters.
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‘There is a place I’ve heard of in the city. Do you want to go there?’ she asked relieved.
‘Yeah, sure,’ I said wondering how big the mistake I just made was. ‘When do you want to meet?’
‘About 11 at the station?’
‘Okay.’ Just for you, I thought.
‘Thanks. See you then.’
I hung up the phone, and lay back on my bed. I saw 6:37 on the clock, and just waited for the time to pass by. Time sure flies when you don’t care what the hell is going on.
I like to think. It makes the world fade away. It lets me do what I want to do. And no one can stop me. But the world and time are two different things, and when I fade away from one, the other hints me and snaps me into reality.
It was 10:48. Any time after 8 is good. The sun is gone, and people start to enjoy what they have. Time, money and freedom. But I had no idea what I had waiting for me.
I pulled on a black hoody and slipped out of my bedroom window. My parents wouldn’t know I’m gone until tomorrow morning. But they might not even care then. Better to be safe than grounded for a month.
As I walked away from the house, I could hear the continuing yells of my mum and dad. Life always seems to repeat it self. So once again, I left it to solve itself.
I felt the cool night on my face. It seemed like it was meant for people to feel, so they knew there was something there. It made me feel free. It made me know I wasn’t always safe, because that’s what life really is, an illusion of being safe.
I walked to the train station, like so many nights before. But this time it was different. This time, I wasn’t controlling what was happening. I saw my fate standing on the platform in her skirt and shirt.
‘Hey James,’ she said smiling relieved to see me. That’s a first anyone’s given me that look.
‘Hey. So where are we going?’
‘It’s this place my sister when to once with some friends. She said it was really cool.’
‘Um, okay. Do you have any money?’
‘Yeah, I have a bit.’
‘Okay.’ I heard the speaker on the station say that repetitive message.
‘The next train to depart from platform 1 will be the 10:04 express to…’
We got on the train, and sat down. I sunk into the corner seat, and she sat opposite next to me, obvious that she didn’t go out at night much. At least she relaxed a little. I sat silently watching her in the reflection of the mirror. I didn’t know what or why, but being near her made me curious as to who she really was. She just seemed so different now.
‘Why me?’ I found myself asking.
‘What?’ she asked puzzled.
‘Why did you want to go with me? Why not someone else, or even your sister?’ I asked, thinking of her sister who, five minutes ago, I didn’t know existed. The thought for a minute the said, ‘I don’t really know. I guess, my friends are all really… what the word... happy I guess. They never seem to do anything real. It’s all about having the hottest clothes or listening to the best new music, or even the cutest boys. And my sister… Well, my sister wants nothing to do with me. I’m not cool enough.’
She looked at me and realised what she was saying and blushed. ‘Sorry. I guess you didn’t want to know all that.’
‘No it’s fine.’ After that we sat in silence for a few minute.
I watched as the world went by and realised something. ‘What are you running away from?’
‘What?!’ she said trying to sound baffled and confused.
‘Someone like you doesn’t just go out with someone they barely know so they can have some fun, and not feels safe. So, what are you running away from?’
‘Maybe you just don’t know me like you think you do.’
I knew she was holding onto something private. No 18 year old goes out like this. No one takes the risk unless they are doing it for the risk. But they do it for a reason. I just didn’t know what it was.
‘This is us,’ she said. I looked out and saw the lights of the sleepless city pass by as we slowed down. Welcome to the Central Business District. They place of good time, great nights, and miserable mornings.
We got off, and Sarah looked around the station. I’ve seen that look before. It was a look of excitement. It was a look that said, I’ve never done this before, but hit me with your best shot. Too bad, most of the time, that’s what they take.
‘So where are we going?’ I asked. She showed me a card with an address written on it. I knew that street. I knew it maybe a little too well. But I did know there was only one place you would want to go there.
‘You want to go to Puzzle’s?!’ I asked a little shocked. Everyone knew the place, but that was one of the main problems. It was the most popular youth club in the state. ‘Are you sure you want to go there? It isn’t the place where every night is a happy disco. People start brawls there.’
‘I know about the place. I want to go there though.’ With a sigh, I agreed.
‘Just once we get there, some things may seem a little weird. I’m telling you so you know. People will act weird, but you need to know that it’s the way it is.’
‘What the hell are you talking about?’ she said unsure of what I was saying.
‘You’ll know when I get there.’ She wasn’t the only one who was aloud secrets.
‘Sure whatever,’ she said. She had no idea what she was getting into.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello there. I will be reviewing you this lovely Review Day. That said, I haven't read the previous chapter, so if I bring up a point that was addressed in it, feel free to disregard that point.
Before I start, might I suggest you include a chapter summary in future chapters? It will make it easier for walk-in reviewers (like myself) to give you helpful reviews since we'll have a general idea of what's going on in the story, and who's who. Here is an article with tips on how to write chapter summaries.
There were a lot of tense shifts in this, and you had a couple cases of homophone confusion (such as "aloud" instead of "allowed"). In addition, you had a number of spelling errors peppered throughout (like "the" instead of "she"). These things kept knocking me out of the story. I suggest that you proofread your writing more closely before you post things in the future.
Another thing that kept knocking me out of the story was the jumping around in ideas. You were pretty consistent within paragraphs, which was good, but you're lacking transitions between paragraphs, which lead to a feeling of disjointedness. Something I find that helps me avoid idea-jumping like that is to make an outline once I've finished writing. Having the outline makes it easier to see what the main ideas were and where they fell in the piece, which makes it easier to fix things while revising. It also makes it easier to see where transitions are needed between paragraphs and ideas.
Overall though, this wasn't a bad chapter, and it did get me mildly interested in the story.
‘There is a place I’ve heard off #BF0000 ">(of)in the city. Do you want to go there?’ she asked#BF0000 ">(comma) relieved.
‘Yeah, sure,’ I said wondering how big the mistake I just made was. ‘When do you want to meet?’
‘About 11 at the station?’
‘Okay.’ Just for you, I thought.
‘Thanks. See you then.’
I hung up the phone, and lay back on my bead#BF0000 ">(bed). I saw 6:37 on the clock, and just waited for the time to pass by. Time sure flies when you don’t care what the hell is going on #BF0000 ">(Shouldn't this be in past tense? ''Time would fly when you didn't....''
I like to think. It makes the world fade away. It lets me do what I want to do. And no one can stop me. But the world and time are two different things, and when I fade away #BF0000 ">(Fade away doesn't express the idea, really. Maybe use 'forget'?)from one, the other hints me and snaps me into reality. #BF0000 ">Your sentences here are too short, while they can be attached together and will sound better. Also, make sure you make your tense in past)
It was 10:48. Any time after 8 is good. The sun is gone, and people start to enjoy what they have. Time, money and freedom. But I had no idea what I had waiting for me. #BF0000 ">(Hm.. Your paragraphs need more details. You see, each paragraph must have a specific idea to discuss that might be talked about in more than one paragraph. So, try to put some useful details that will truly help us understand the character)
I pulled on a black hoody and slipped out of my bedroom window. My parents wouldn’t know I’m gone until tomorrow morning. #BF0000 ">(Comma before 'but' and attach the sentences together)But they might not even care then. Better to be safe than grounded for a month. #40BF00 ">(I like this paragraph)
As I walked away from the house, I could hear the continuing yells of my mum and dad. Life always seems to repeat it self. So once again, I left it to solve itself. #BF0000 ">(Last sentence is confusing. How about something like 'Once again, I needed to leave life to find a solution for its problems'? Even though I don't understand what you mean by 'leaving life')
I felt the cool night on my face #BF0000 ">(The breeze of the cool night? You can't feel the cool night on your face). It seemed like it was meant for people to feel, so they knew there was something there. It made me feel free. It made me know I wasn’t always safe, because that’s what life really is, an illusion of being safe.#40BF00 ">(I like the last few sentences. They sounded very good and rational)
I walked to the train station, like so many nights before. But this time it was different. This time, I wasn’t controlling what was happening. I saw my fate standing on the platform in her skirt and shirt.
‘Hey James,’ she said smiling relieved to see me. That’s a first anyone’s given me that look.
‘Hey. So where are we going?’
‘It’s this place my sister when to once with some friends. She said it was really cool.’
‘Um, okay. Do you have any money?’
‘Yeah, I have a bit.’
‘Okay.’ I heard the speaker on the station say that repetitive message.
‘The next train to depart from platform 1 will be the 10:04 express to…’
We got on the train, and sat down. I sunk into the corner seat, and she sat opposite next to me, obvious that she didn’t go out at night much. At least she relaxed a little. I sat silently watching her in the reflection of the mirror. I didn’t know what or why, but being near her made me curious as to who she really was. She just seemed so different now. #40BF00 ">(Very interesting. Now, we want to know why she's different and who she used to be)
‘Why me?’ I found myself asking.
‘What?’ she asked puzzled.#BF0000 ">(Comma before 'puzzled')
..................
#BF0080 ">I wanted to review the whole chapter, but it turned out that I don't have much time in my hand.
Your writing style is very smooth, easy to understand, but a little hard to imagine. Thing is that there are some paragraphs that stand as a barrier against my imagination, because they were unnecessary.
I liked the paragraph when he reached the train station and saw her in her skirt and shirt and made us know she was the reason why he was there. It was nice, easy and enjoyable in the same time.
Good work. Keep writing. Always, keep writing!