Published July 24, 2011
I'm not what you see,
I'm not that joyful and loving child;
Laughter and happiness are just a mask of life,
The expressions that are made is just a lie.
I'm only fourteen,
But, hatred, anger and sober had existed,
The scars may disappear by time,
But the pain will stay in my soul.
My heart had been broken into a thousand pieces,
I tried to heal it back,
But, the people that I loved broke it even worse.
My inspiration and dreams,
Are destroyed by wealth,
For money is all they know.
You have no idea what I've been through,
And the pain that I've lived with,
So please,
Don't say you know how I feel.
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138,938 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
This was very well written and I really liked it. However, I did pick up on these mistakes that no one else picked up on.
1. "I'm been through" doesn't make sense. I think you meant to put "I've been through"
2. You put "And the pain that I've live with" now as it is written right now, it is incorrect, but you can correct in two ways either by saying "And the pain that I live with" or "And the pain that I've lived with"
3. You put "Don't say you how I feel" when I think you meant to say "Don't say you know how I feel"
This poem is very good! I feel the hurt (but not how she feels, of course). The imagery is pretty good too.
Nitpicks
That's it, really. Keep writing
This is a very realistic and heart-touching poem. Great work.
It really shows the reader the characters' feelings.
This poem is really expressive. After reading it I felt like u were trying to tell people that what they see is a lie, that you're actually hurting inside and that if your family stopped being so consumed by their wealth, they'd see that all you really wanted was help and love... well written, made me think a bit when trying to interpret what u were saying! I liked the line where you said that sober had exit - feel that it reveals how "not sober" things are in your life right now. Poetry is a great way to express the way you feel so keep writing!
I really like this poem! I'm a little confused about the tenses though because you write "had exist" and then "had been broken", "tried", "break it" so I am not sure if this happened already or it is continuing to happen. Changing you've to you have might flow better. Overall, I get the impression that you have had alot to deal with and the people around you are money-centered and self absorbed. They tell you about their problems but you could not care less because you have your own worries to deal with, I totally get it. Keep writing!