Running a million miles an hour
Or just flying through the air
Screaming out lungs
Doing it all for being alive
Got many realities
But everything is just an imaginary
He has a lot to learn
But can't break out that illusion
Waiting and standing still
Waiting keeping his eyes focused
Waiting for that one moment
Waiting for just one opportunity
And here he starts
Cameras look for fire
People catch a glimpse
Kids watch an inspiration
Behind his prey
Not out for a hunt
But for survival
As the nature states
It goes and goes
Through the grasses
Then disappears
Just to rediscover a desire
Some watch him fly
Some watch him play
Some watch him struggle
Some watch him fight
Finally one step further
From being two steps close
To his destiny
This is the reason he has attended the war
Finally he gets it
Tears it, though many don't like it
But it's nature, and not a shame
It's inspiration to be in the hall of fame
He had many advantages
But all given to him by the nature
Though he had a spirit
Not given to him by the God
This is how a Cheetah lives
He runs, he flies, he disappears, and then wins
He chases and chases not through his body
But he does it with a spirit
That is how a cheetah lives,
Though hidden in the grasses
Away from the masses
But for a reason
That is how a cheetah lives,
Fires up the way
Never tommorow but today
Flashing through the air is what he loves
That is how a cheetah lives,
Gaining much criticism
Just for one purpose
To be alive and fly forever
Running at a million miles an Hour
Or just flying through the air
Moving those limbs so fast
Or just waving them for a purpose
So focused is his mind
So piercing are those eyes
So long his wants to go
So hard he wants to run
He is not an animal
Neither a bullet of a gun
Nor an organism born to run
He is an attitude described as phenomenal
Never wanna be a lion
Just roar loud
Never wanna be a snake
Just crawl down
Never wanna be a deer
Just running for life
Just wanna be a cheetah
A DEMON OF THE HEAVEN
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Here's the grammatical edits as per request, with my suggestions:
Strike through= RemoveBlue Text = Add
Red Text = Phrasing Issue
Italics Text = My Additional Comments
Spoiler
Running
ata million miles an hourOr just flying through the air
Screaming out my lungs
Doing itall for being aliveGotI have/There are/He has many realitiesBut
all andeverything is justan imaginationimaginaryGotI have a/there is a/he has a lot to learnBut can't
get out ofbreak that illusionWaiting and standing still
Waiting keeping his
itseyes focused (keep pronouns consistent)Waiting for that one moment
Waiting for just one opportunity
And here he starts
Cameras look for fire
People
watchcatch a glimpseKids watch an inspiration
Behind its prey
Not out for a hunt
But for survival
As this nature states
ItHe goes and goesThrough the grasses
Then disappears
Just to rediscover a desire
Some watch it fly (keep pronouns consistent, everytime you refer to the cheetah say "it" or everytime say "he" -- pick one or the other, if "it" is something other than the cheetah, please clarify that within the poem)
Some watch it play
Some watch it struggle
Some watch it fight
Finally one step
farfurtherFrom being two steps close
To its destiny
This is The reason he has attended the war
forFinally he gets it
Tears it, though many don't like it
But
itsit's nature, and not a shameItsIt's inspiration to be in the hall of fameHe had many advantages
But all given to him by the nature
Though had a spirit
Not given to him by the God
This is how a Cheetah lives (choose whether or not to capitalize cheetah and then keep it consistent)
He runs, he flies, he disappears, and then wins
He chases and chases not
throughwith his bodyBut
he does itwith a spiritThat is how a cheetah lives,
Though hidden in the grasses
Away from the masses
But for a meaningThat is how a cheetah lives,
Fires up the way
Never tommorow but today
Something that he loves What does the cheetah love?
That is how a cheetah lives,
Gaining
many criticismsmuch criticismJust for one purpose
To be alive and fly forever
Running
ata million miles an HourOr just flying through the air
Moving those limbs so fast
Or just waving them for a purpose What do you mean by waving limbs for a purpose? Like the cheetah is waving "hello"?
So focused is its
headmindSo graceful are those eyes "graceful" is a really odd adjective to use to describe eyes...
So
longfar it wants to goSo hard it wants to run
ItsIt's not an animalNeither a bullet of a gun
Nor an organism born to run
ItsIt's an attitude described as phenomenalNever wanna be a lion
Likejust roar loudNever wanna be a snake
Likejust crawl downNever wanna be a deer
Likejust running for lifeJust wanna be a cheetah
Like a demon of the heaven
Two quick re-occurring issues to take note of.
A few times you confused the words "It's" and "Its"
Its without an apostrophe is possessive. So if I was saying "What is the restaurant's name", "Its name is McDonald's" I would use the one without an apostrophe.
It's with an apostrophe 's' is a contraction for the words "it is" so if you could put "it is" in the place of "it's" then you use the apostrophe. For instance, "What day is it?" "It's February 26th"." I would use this form with an apostrophe.
Another quick issue is you were switching the pronouns around a lot in this piece from "its" and "his" or "he" -- either use "its" every single time you're referring to the cheetah or use "his"/"he" ---the pronoun shouldn't switch back and forth because that makes the piece unclear as to what or who you are referring to.
Best of luck in all of your edits!
Hey there kid,
and welcome to Young Writers Society!
I'm alliyah, here to leave you a review, so let's get started.
Overall Impressions
So this poem is clearly about a Cheetah - a unique topic to center your poem around! I enjoyed that you went into in depth analysis of what it's like to be cheetah and the speaker's admiration of the creature. It would have been easy to just say "fast animal / nice spots" -- but you go another level deeper, which changes this from just a list into poetry.
My favorite part was when you used figurative language to describe the cheetah -- like the last line "like a demon of the heaven", or "bullet of a gun". There were also some interesting spiritual dynamics to the poem as well that you used to describe the cheetah. I think it'd be interesting if you expanded those sections a bit more -- make the metaphor more exaggerated to heighten interest. This would be good, because as is, the poem lacks a bit as far as having a narrative or conflict - but if you could introduce those elements by means of heightening the drama of your descriptive language I think it would bring the poem to the next level.
Great Stuff
I really appreciate the consistency you had to theme, form, and punctuation! There are many ways to punctuate and format a poem, and each one has different effect. The one standard across the board though, is that when a poem uses consistency in form and punctuation - it looks cleaner and in my opinion gives the audience more confidence in the writing because they can tell the author took the time to edit it.
Areas to Work on
I'd like to mention a few areas where I think this poem could use a bit of work to polish it up.
First, there were some phrasing issues that impeded the flow and readability of the poem. I'd suggest running the poem through "word" or reading it outloud to try to catch those issues.
To point out a few:
"Running at a million miles an hour" (don't need the word "at")
"Screaming out lungs" (this doesn't quite make sense, might need a pronoun?)
"Got many realities
But all and everything is just an imagination
Got lot to learn"
(It should be "have" rather than "got" and you don't need both "all" &"everything" because that's redundant, also it should be "a lot" rather than just "lot")
There were other issues like this throughout the poem.
My last suggestion that I started speaking about in the first section, is that I think this poem could use a bit more narrative cohesion. Right now it almost seems like a list in some places or a bucket full of descriptions. It's hard to follow where the speaker or the cheetah is going -- if you could organize the pieces a little bit more in a narrative form or even topically then I think it'd be easier for a reader to follow and make it more interesting too.
Overall, this was an interesting read, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
alliyah
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Could you please edit my poem in the way you would like to read it? I want to know what things can get better with some examples.
I posted my edits above now.
I have edited it, what else can I add to get it more attractive
Ah the flow is much improved - I like the changes there. Now my only suggestion would be to refer back to my initial review. Right now it's almost like a list of quick emotions - introducing a bit more metaphor, imagery, or narrative pull (ie. conflict & character development throughout the piece) would make it even stronger if you're still looking for areas to improve. Feel free to tag me in your next poem for another review, I'd be happy to read more of your work.
Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
(The Comma Police is here! Anything I say here is just constructive criticism. If I offend you in any way, I apologize in advance.(I will try to be humorous.)
This is good. I draws out the story in my mind, which is what you want to do for the reader. Anyways, When I looked it over It brought a sense of story which you portrayed pur-fectly.
From what I can see you don't have any grammar and/or comma mistakes. Keep up the writing, have a good day.
I have seen your reviews for other poems as well and your each review is pretty much the same. Sorry to ask, but do you just review to earn some points?
Nope, people just can't seem to figure out how to use commas and or how to spell words.
Hey kid1809! Danni8 here for a review!
There were grammar errors strewn throughout this, so I'd suggest running this over Word or something with a grammar checker first.
What really bugged me was how this story wasn't at all factual. Cheetahs hunt because they'd die if they didn't hunt, not for the fun of it. They can only run at top speed for ten seconds and only 40-50% of cheetah hunts end in a kill. You have portrayed a cheetah as something that runs just because, not a majestic and awesomely powerful big cat that is on the brink of extinction. This really annoyed me. Fix your facts then I'll review it again.
Overall, this was OK aside from the complete infactuality.
I didn't write this poem to tell the world about the abilities of a cheetah. I just attempted to make it inspirational and I guess it is not a really wrong thing to do in poetry. Even Usain Bolt is compared with the fastest cars in the world which is not at all factual but still people take it into consideration as it gives a sense of pace and a really awesome pace. Sorry if I offended you in anyway. I have edited my poem, you can have a look at it if would like to. Thanks for reviewing my poem.
It's OK, and sorry I was harsh.