Published January 29, 2012
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137,425 Literary Works • 672,010 Reviews
Hello there kellydawn,
I bet you thought you'd never get a review on this. Well, I'm here to prove you wrong. *insert mad/diabolical/insane laughter/giggles/cackling/whatever here* For too long have works like yours languished unreviewed, and so my comrades and I of the Order of the Knights of the Green Room are here to bring an end to such an ignomiously neglected state of reviewage.
So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the reviewing!
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The first thing that struck me about this piece was the inconsistency of the punctuation. Now, while inconsistent punctuation can be used to great effect in poetry, I'm not getting the impression here that the punctuation actually contributes anything to the subject. If anything, it's more distracting than helpful. As such, I would strongly recommend that you go through and check to make sure things are grammatically a-okay punctuation-wise. It will make the punctuation less of a distraction.
The easiest way to check for grammatical correctness is to rewrite this poem as a regular piece of writing. If everything checks out, then great. If not, it'll be easier to spot and fix.
Another thing rewriting the poem as regular prose will help you with is seeing if the poem still feels poetic when it isn't broken up into lines. Right now, this piece strikes me as lacking some concrete imagery and examples, which makes this feel more like a mini blog entry rather than a poem.
Poetry thrives and relies on vivid imagery to work, and right now, there isn't much by the way of unique or vivid imagery in here. Every description is quite vague and generic, and vague and generic descriptions are the death of good poetry. Make things more specific. describe them in ways that your readers will be able to clearly visualize things. Don't use common or cliched phrases (unless you're going to really examine and/or maybe subvert them).
Basically, instead of just saying "I am depressed." make your readers feel the depression along with you. It will make your poem all the stronger and more memorable for it.