“Damien Marco Calara, you stand accused of the murder of Samantha Dory Templeton. How do you plead.”
“My client pleads not guilty, your honor.”
How could this have happened?
“Did you do this? Why would I? Because you are the cruel one. I’m not a killer. How should I know that?”
They’re looking at us. We must have been conversing aloud.
“Damien who are you talking to?” My lawyer that was brought by the state looks at me with concern.
“This is Marco. Marco, say hi. Hello. He’s the mean one out of us two.”
“You have DID?”
“Yep! He says even he didn’t do it; he may be mean, but he sure is honest.”
“Why did that not come up during the interview?”
“You didn’t ask.”
The state issued lawyer looks at me annoyed before returning to the judge: “Sir as you can see, my client isn’t even in the proper mental capacity to kill.”
“Objection!” The opposition shouts, “I did some research before this, and found that Damien and Marco used to act as twins before people discovered they were the same person. Both of them took an IQ test. Damien got a score of 194 and Marco got an astounding 289. Either one of them are absolutely in the mental state to commit murder.”
“289?! Is that even possible?” The Judge drops his gavel in shock.
“In addition to that, Marco was diagnosed with severe psychopathy while Damien was diagnosed with severe ADHD. Pair that with their mysterious background and you have a perfect killer.”
“Why Samantha though? She was always good to us?” I’mma be honest, even I’m starting to believe I did it. Probably Marco actually. **** you... Rude...
“What?”
“What do you mean, what? I’m curious how you’ll continue. I personally have no reason to have hurt Samantha, but I am not always aware of what Marco thinks like he is aware of what I think. As far as I know, he may have waited till I fell asleep before killing Samantha. But as for a reason I cannot tell. He may have a grudge that I was unaware of after all, but as I’d like to think the best of the one who shares my body, could you please explain the motive. As far as I’d heard, Samantha was found in her apartment lacking any blood, as though she had been drained out. Is that correct?”
My lawyer looks confused, but he still nods: “That is correct. Yes.”
“Alright, according to the police report that I read in my holding cell, I read that there were no signs of struggle and the whole place was sanitized, but they linked it to me because Samantha was a former caretaker of mine who supposedly kicked me out after I scared off her friends by talking to Marco.
I can, however, assure you that we did not leave on bad terms. She asked me if I could try ignoring Marco when her friends were there, and when I told her that I couldn’t, I offered to move out and fund myself. She agreed and even sent us a check in the mail once a month so we could afford food as I searched for a job. So, that eliminates that as a motive. So, as you seem to have done extensive research, please explain the motive of the kill.”
The opposition lawyer is visibly put off. It seems he wasn’t expecting me to counter with my experience: “Well,” he recovers quickly, “I see that may be a bad example then, but reports state that the believed night of her death that there was screaming coming from her house.”
Marco chose to speak now, “Pardon me, but may I see said report.”
“Why?”
“Because me and Damien read everything related to the case including the witness reports, but not a single one of them mentioned screaming from within the house.”
“You had access to the case files?” The Judge seems confused why we would be.
“While this is the first time we’ve been accused, the police know us as we used to part time as a caller and one of them gave us the case files to see if we could figure it out. Frankly, the killer did a good job at hiding everything, and I do mean everything. No fingerprints, no blood, no nothing. But of the hundreds of reports we read, not one mentioned screaming. So, I’d like to know where he got that from.”
“Officer McCloud gave them to me this morning.”
A police officer in the back shook his head: “That’s impossible.”
“Why?”
“Officer McCloud was found dead last night.”
The offense lawyer’s eyes widened: “But I saw him. He had his badge and everything.”
“A fake report hmm? And the only person who could corroborate is dead. That is suspicious.” The defense lawyer accused.
“Are you accusing me of murder?”
“That’s how it seems.”
“That doesn’t add up, however.”
“Damien?”
“Yes. The offense lawyer has no point in killing. He first came to the town for the case so timings don’t add up for that.”
“Well, who is it then?” the Judge asked, “out with it, boy.”
“Someone in this room. I relooked at the witness reports and corrobative things and realized it has to have been someone who’d gain from two things, the death of Samantha, and my imprisonment.”
Mrs. Alice- Nurse, Mr. Archer- Deliveryman, Mr. Jones- Police, Mrs. Jones- Coroner, Anna May- a longtime patient at the local clinic, and the judge himself, Mr. Clancy all of them could have done it, but how do I determine who?
“Why limit it to someone here?” Anna asked.
“Because, you are the only people I can think of that’d serve to gain something from Samantha’s death.”
“What would we gain from my sister's death,” Jones responded partially sarcastically.
“She had a business, and even ran some medical clinics...”
Wait, how could I be so oblivious.
“One had a 5-liter syringe.”
“Why would they have something like that?”
“It was to fill the fish tank, but they would occasionally joke about using it at blood donations.”
“Did it actually work?”
“Yes, so now we can take some people off the list. Everyone with no access to the hospital after it locks.”
Mrs. Alice- Nurse, Mr. Archer- Deliveryman, Mr. Jones- Police, Mrs. Jones- Coroner, Anna May- a longtime patient, Mr. Clancy- Judge.
“Why didn’t you cross out the judge?”
“He has access to the building at night as he picks up his prescriptions after dark.”
“I can confirm that my husband was home at the believed time of death. He was taking a day off.”
Mrs. Alice- Nurse, Mr. Archer- Deliveryman, Mr. Jones- Police, Mrs. Jones- Coroner, Anna May- a longtime patient, Mr. Clancy- Judge.
“That leaves Mr. Clancy, Mrs. Alice, and Anna May.”
“What about you Damien? This is your trial,” Anna was getting agitated.
“McCloud in specific was the one who gave me the files. Mr. Jones should be able to corroborate that, so his death while I was in bars serves to clear me in my opinion.”
“I can corroborate.”
“Judge Clancy was meeting with me for the past few days to help me with a lawsuit I am preparing against the guy who crippled me.”
“That is correct. And one of those times was during the believed time of death.”
Mrs. Alice- Nurse, Mr. Archer- Deliveryman, Mr. Jones- Police, Mrs. Jones- Coroner, Anna May- a longtime patient, Mr. Clancy- Judge.
“And then there was one...”
“You can’t seriously believe it was me, can you?” Alice is sweating now.
“You are under arrest, Dina Alice.”
“No, you can’t! You can't!” She takes off running. Anna and I watch them run off.
“Hey Damien, thanks for solving the case. I’m happy it will go solved. Here, in case she comes back.” She hands me a knife, “I can’t move except within the chair, so I can’t do much.”
“Thank you.”
Alice bursts back into the room and locks the door behind her.
“Anna and Damien are in there!” Mr. Jones
Alice turns and looks at me, “You, I’ll stop this.”
Anna wheels behind me, but I stab her in her heart. Her eyes widen as she realizes the truth.
“NO, Anna! Alice killed her, HELP!”
Alice’s eyes widen as she realizes. She charges me and I throw the knife at her after cutting my chest carefully. She catches it and tackles me about to stab when a shot echoes. She coughs before falling dead.
“Anna is dead...” I cry.
“It’s ok, the killer’s gone now.”
“Thank you for saving me, I can’t help but feel I could have saved her.”
“You did your best...”
I’ll admit... you even had me fooled, Damien. How did you do it?
Simple, I waited for you to sleep, then I woke up and used our old pass to get in the door grab the syringe and kill Samantha.
Why though? She was so kind to us.
She feared us.
What about McCloud?
I put nightshade in his tea mix months ago. I’ve been planning this for ages. It built up to the point it would look like he was injected with it instead of a progressive death.
Smart, but why did you kill Anna?
She would’ve eventually figured out the truth. She is smart. Also, what else would get Officer Jones to immediately shoot?
To think, that ‘funny’ gag of us changing names on the day of the IQ test led you to be able to move freely.
Of course. After my DiD was discovered, they realized I could control you easily, so all I needed was to make you seem like the psychopath, the harsh one, and me, the poor not as smart one with ADHD.
You are too smart for this world.
Precisely, I need natural selection to speed up. I wish I didn’t need to kill Anna, but she was too smart. Why do you think I hit her with that car?
My eyes widen for a split second.
“Are you ok?” Mr. Clancy grabs me as I feign tripping, “We’ll get you medical attention soon.”
“Sorry, pain flash.”
“Why Alice though? She was so kind,” Mrs. Jones wonders aloud.
“Even Jeffry Dahmer helped the old lady cross the street,” her husband responds gruffly. He considered Alice a friend from childhood, so he was likely taking this betrayal horribly.
There was no betrayal other than what came from you. The moment I can speak I’ll tell them everything.
Who ever said you’d speak again?
What?
Head trauma can reverse many things, and just think about how happy they’ll be that my mind’s resident psychopath is gone forever.
You wouldn’t.
Of course I would. Goodbye Marco, have fun stewing deep inside my mind.
“Marco? Where are you, Marco?”
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t hear Marco anymore.”
“Maybe you received head trauma. It may have blocked him off for a while.”
“Maybe, I hope he’s ok.”
“You're such a good kid, Damien.”
I smile...
No No No... He actually blocked me. I can hear him, but he can’t hear me... I’m stuck. This psychopath is going to get away with it. He can’t... no...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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This is so exciting!! This is my first ever review, so I have no clue if anything I am saying makes sense, so sorry if you can't understand a word I am saying.
I love the immediate vibe of this story. I was chilled by the first sentence, and it wasn't just a fleeting sensation. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, biting my nails, already invested in the story without any big character build-up like in whole novels. I instantly took Damien's side and was afraid of Marco, so when that plot twist came out of the blue-I was so confused! I had to look back at who had gotten the higher test scores and who had the ADHD and everything.
I loved that the person on trial was the one who was solving the murder, even if practically everything Damien said wasn't true. Instantly, everyone in the room was unsettled by this person talking to themself and accusing people of murder, me included. Everyone believed Damien's words, me included again. I was so surprised at the plot twist, because who I thought was the murderer was a rollercoaster. At the start, I knew there was a possibility it was Marco or Damien. But once Damien started to work out the murder, I didn't think so anymore. Then out of nowhere, Anna gets stabbed and I'm unsure of who to trust again. Love this type of story, you have so much talent!!
Quickly, (again, not sure if this is reliable advice, but oh well) I think when Anna says "you, I'll stop this," that 'you' should be capitalised.
My initial thought for constructive criticisim was that there wasn't much internal dialogue, just external dialogue, but now that I've finished reading the story, I'm not sure if that was an accident or a deliberate artistic choice so you don't realise Damien is the murderer. Do with that what you will.
Overall, this was a rollercoaster of a story, enticing me from the start. Keep on writing!!
Yeah, the in story reason there wasn't too much internal dialogue was because, until he was blocked off, Marco could still blurt, so the lack of internal dialogue was so Marco didn't figure it out.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Damien tries to prove that he did not kill Samantha, which everyone, including the reader, believes, but the truth is that he did kill Samantha and Marco is innocent. Unfortunately, the public doesn’t know that…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that “Taking this” should be spaced, but other than that, it’s veryyy unsettling (in a good way).
Chocolate Bar - I love how the identity of the killer was building up throughout the entire story. I didn’t know who committed the murder until the end and I did not expect for Damien to be the actual psychopath, but that ending was..downright horrifying. Makes one think…
Closing Graham Cracker - A twist of the mind, with the big question of who to trust. I enjoyed reading about this downward spiral and how anyone could be a monster, even those that seem the most kind. Especially the sweet ones…good job on this! ^v^
I wish you an amazing day/night!
Thank you, and I hope you have an amazing day as well.