Forever Yours
by Keaten Franklin
Sunday. The man wakes up. He feels groggy, weak in his bones. He grabs at his face, feeling the shadow of facial hair on his lips. Tossing the blanket off of him, he sits up. He breaths in deep, sighing almost. Raising his hands slowly, he rubs his eyes, yawns, moves them through his disheveled mess of brown hair. "Something feels off." the man thinks to himself. Ignoring the feeling, he meanders over to the bathroom, fidgeting with the doorknob until it opens. He stumbles to the mirror and gazes at himself, questioning and wondering. Maybe he looks older, worn down? He shakes his head and undresses.
On this particular day, the man takes a long shower, his mind is full of thoughts and ideas, conflict and struggle. After cleansing to his suffice, he steps out of the shower to dry off. Feeling less distressed, the man goes to his closet, deciding if he'll even wear clothes today, he has nothing to do. To feel like another able minded human being, he throws on some old jeans, a white cotton t-shirt, and a large grey drawstring sweatshirt.
The man wanders to his bed, sitting on its edge. He looks at the photograph on his nightstand. It's him and his wife. On the bottom of the picture she had written "Your Baby, forever yours." She had passed away 3 years before in a car accident. There was not a day that he didn't think about her. The man missed her with all of his heart, it was his true love, and nothing could fill the void of her death. With so little to motivate him, the man wonders what to do. Should he sit at home and self loath, mope around as he usually does? Should he go out in the streets, get a drink, maybe a new book?
He decides to visit the coffee shop on the corner, minutes away from his apartment. The man slides on his moccasin slippers, posing as real shoes. He leaves his home, the bright sun shining into his face. The man steps down the brick stairs leading to his front door. Reaching the edge of the sidewalk, he takes a deep breath and stretches.
The streets are empty. The barber shop, the little cafe, seemingly deserted. He again, shrugs it off. Beginning to walk across the yellow painted walkway, no cars are in sight. He stops in his tracks. He sees a woman, sitting on a bench down the street outside of the park. She catches his interest. The woman is studying a small brown book. Averting the plan to visit the coffee shop, the man decides that he must meet this captivating girl. He can't remove his gaze from her. Suddenly, a glaring white light covers the man's view entirely, followed by the sound of what seems to be a screech, as he feels an eruption of what he thinks to be wind at his back, knocking him to the street.
Standing up startled, the man stands in the middle of the street, quizzical. What was once a yellow walkway on a worn black street, is now a black walkway, a white street. He doesn't understand. He looks around noticing the world around him has changed. White buildings with black windows, doors, steps. White skies with black clouds. Everything is in it's simpler form. "This can't be real." he whispers.
The sidewalks and shops are full of people, excited and bustling, There are lips moving, conversations being shared. Everyone is smiling, happy. That's when the man realizes, all the people were black outlines, no skin color, no hair difference. He looks at his hands, seeing was the same way. Now he was getting confused, agitated. "What is this!" He screams. No one replies. They all continue their many talks, whether it be on a bench or strolling along the walkways. The man starts to walk down the street, gathering his surroundings. He then remembers the woman. He throws his sight to the park, finding her sitting there, reading that same book.
Instead of white clothes like all the others, the dress that this woman had been wearing before was now a bright red. It attracted the man's eyes. He ran to her, maneuvering through the obliviously jubilant people that crowded the street.
He looked down at her hands, they seemed perfect. Not a scratch, a mark or bruise. The woman didn't seem to notice him, too enveloped in her book. She had a way about her that struck his mind, as if she had resemblance to someone he once knew. She looks up at him, in shock. A tear rolls down her eye. The man's mouth goes agape, his eyes watering up. She stands, as they embrace, that old warmth back again. The woman whispers into his ear "Your baby." He holds her tight, softly, shakily saying "forever yours".
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Canary word: Present
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Hello there! This is Magenta here for a quick review of your short story. I see you've become a member not so long ago and I am glad to that you've submitted some interesting pieces on the web. Welcome to YWS and I am sure that you'll enjoy every minute here. Now, on with my review, right!
"After cleansing to his suffice, he steps out of the shower to dry off."
After I read this sentence, I was wondering if it really worked here. It just doesn't sound like the word you're looking for. I understand what you mean though. Maybe you could say"Satisfied, the man steps out of the shower to dry off," or something close to that. Suffice is more of a verb, isn't it?
"She had passed away 3 years before in a car accident." I would spell out the number, 3, as three, because it looks nicer and more formal that way. It just pops out in the middle of your sentence.
The only other thing that I would suggest is try to be less telling. You seem to say "he does this and that" but it lacking description and it seems like your telling everything instead of showing. Anyway, I think that you did a great job writing this story. I hope to see some more of it around YWS. Keep on writing!
- Magenta
Hi! Cricket here for a quick review!
So I would just like to start off by saying that this is a beautiful story. I usually don't read romance and the like but your story captured my eye and I just had to take a look.
So I'm just going to point out a couple of things.
You might want to take out the " is".
There should be an "and" before agitated.
It should be" he looked down down at his hands, and saw that they were the same way"
Well first off, a scratch is a mark so you could get rid of that.
And if not, reword it a little. Maybe" not a scratch, mark or a bruise."
One more thing I did notice is you are too descriptive. Try to create a clear picture, using as few words as possible.
So that's it! I really loved this story!
Very heartfelt and emotional!
Hi there!
Unless you mean to make this a title, I would recommend editing this out or adding onto it. It's feels like a bad way to start your story, but that's my opinion.
Well, uh.. facial hair doesn't grow on your lips. More like, around them.
Okay, so I suggest an entire revision of this. It would read better if you remove the "raising his hands slowly" and just begin with: "He rubs his eyes and yawns" then add on "then moves his hands through his..."
You'll need to add a "ly" after each "-ing" word. I think the sentence would read better if it only had one adjective, but that's up to you!
Okay, this sentence reads as if he hardly takes showers. Now, that could be the case, but I'm pretty sure it isn't. You mention a long shower, so perhaps he takes a longer than usual one? If so, add that in so we know he does shower, it just so happens that on this particular day, it's a longer than usual one.
Definitely rewrite that. It sounds odd. If we add in the definition of suffice, it would read as: "After cleansing to his [be enough or adequate]", which sounds SO weird, right?
He really doesn't make a decision here, so replace "deciding" with a different verb. Or you can rewrite the sentence to: "the man goes to his closet and decides that he won't wear clothes today." Also, if you keep the sentence as it is, then replace the comma after "today" with a semicolon.
Should be "its."
I hate to be reality-picky, but he can't really throw his sight, yes? A nice verb and all, but I think you could do with a better one. Perhaps "directs"?
Should be "runs."
Replace the bolded with "looks" and replace that comma with a semicolon.
Okay, so. My nitpicks:
1. You used "the man" quite a lot. Since he is the main character and pretty much the only character for majority of the story, you can use "him, he, his" more often. The reader will know who you're talking about. Further more, why didn't you give him a name? You put so much effort into describing his appearance and his past, yet you don't give him a name. I feel like I can't connect and relate to him because he's nameless, and therefore he's faceless to me.
2. You switch tenses a lot, so be careful of that. It's not something you'll notice quite away, but if you do, it can be distracting. Also, using the wrong tense of a word can disrupt the entire sentence and make it sound choppy.
3. In the beginning, before he left his house, I feel like it was too bland. It needed something more. More description. I feel like you dragged through his daily routine, barely describing anything. Use imagery to your advantage; pretend that this is a canvas and your words are the paint.
Now that the nitpicks have been said, we can move on to the praise! Excellent job with the climax! That would be the part when he spots the woman and all of the scenery starts to change. In my opinion, that was your strongest and most powerful part of the story.
I loved the emotion you put into the story whenever he reaches the woman and realizes it's his wife. It was a pretty sweet way to end the story, with a happy ending. I also like how it leaves it up to the imagination of the reader as to why or how she was alive. Was she reincarnated? Perhaps she took over the body of another woman? Or maybe it's just an illusion? Either way, this was really good and I enjoyed it very much.
Thank you, constructive criticism is great and you gave me plenty. It means a lot. I'm glad you enjoyed it.