Buetar of Grim ~ Chapter 1 of Born This Way

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well...this was an interesting piece...it seems to have the makings of a pretty intriguing premise hidden in there, but we've got a fair amount of confusion happening here cause it just doesn't seem to quite have a flow here, it just breaks up in random tangents here and there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"I'm going to Mother's!" I called, waving my picnic basket so my Daddy could see my purpose.

"Yes, dearest, and I hope you have the grandest of times!" Father called back, as he continued to plot against his enemies.

I stepped out of one of the kitchen back doors and breathed in the the cold, moist air of another Doomsday. It was stilll early morning, and as always, rain pattered upon the rocky pathway. Drip, SMACK, Drip, SMACK. I trodded along the path towards Mother's house and thought about the horrible home.

Well this is a very interesting tone to start off on, its a very childish sounding dialogue there, but I feel like that's intentionally made that way to play off this feeling of evil in the background. The whole evil schemes thing and the doomsday certainly feel like odd details there. At any rate, this certainly got my attention here.

Everything was always so dark and dreary. Always. It's not like I hated the continuous rain and hail going drip, SMACK. It's just that you can get sick of having the same old weather. I haven't seen a blue sky in my entire life. That is, if you count Mother's paintings.

She's a better artist than me, of course. She always has more things to paint about, so she has more practice. Mother's always angry about something, and it gives her something to paint about.

I smiled as I thought about Mother Anger, always so spectacular with her colors. I let out a yelp as I tripped over a rock and almost landed in a lake.

I get the feeling this person's mother's name is actually Anger somehow...and this is some form of universe of darkness and just generic evil thoughts or something...and the part that's most intriguing to me about all of that is how casually those things are slipped in...it seems like a fairly normal day and a normal person just describing normal things but with this underlying feeling of something more going on.

"Phew!" I wiped away the bangs from my face as I settled down on a weird looking rock. Where was I? I searched for the path I had so easily left. No sign, not even a footprint. Well, that was what you got when you wore weird shoes.

"Excuse me, ma'm" the rock said.

I jumped up to see I had been resting on a young boy. I stepped back and tripped over t he same rock. There, I had fallen into that murky lake, and everything was ruined.

"Ugh, how foolish I am!" I yelled in disgust, lifting up a drooping arm. I helped myself up, refusing the stranger's hand.

Okay...well that was a bit of a weird passage there. It kind of lots of flow and I just can't quite follow the action that happens there. I feel like that segment there needs just a little bit of a rewrite there to be a bit easier to understand.

"Ma'm, you shouldn't refuse a man's offer to help" he said, trying his best to look like a gentleman.

"I can refuse all I like, and no one can stop me," I replied, trying to squeeze the water out of my clothes.

The boy took a step back, and I finally havd a chance to look at him. He didn't look like a boy, or a man, for that matter.

"What are you doing here?" we both said at the same time.

Alright, well that was a slightly awkward introduction to that character but it does seem like we've just been introduced perhaps an protagonist here judging by the title of this story aand, at any rate it does have a nice sense of mystery with the whole "not a boy or man" line there.

He blushed awkwardly, "Buetar of Grim, at your service!"

"Doom," I replied briskly.

He was slightly taller than me as he awkwardly stood next to me. He didn't seem very young now. He suddenly grabbed my arm, and I gave him a sharp kick. He laughed as I struggled to punch him.

"Let go of me, Grim!" I yelled.

Okay..well that...was a bit of a weird interaction there again, perhaps this is meant to be a bit more normal wherever this world is....buuut, this is coming off as just a bit weird so far, with the two acting kind of randomly I have to say.

At last he did, and went over to sit down on the ground. He stared at me curiously as I settled down to see what had been damaged. My hair! That beautiful velvety red hair was gone! The dye had been washed away from the lake! Grim must've seen my face.

"It wouldn't have been washed away if you didn't dye it," he laughed.

I pouted, but he was right All that was left were the tips that barely escaped the water. Ugh! Now I was too ugly, I can't even imagine... I looked at my hair, and it had already turned brown. By Grim's face, I could tell the hair on the very top of my head had turned blonde.

Well...that's an interesting way to let us know this person's hair color here not to mention this is the first thing to happen that actually seems to have a bit of a purpose cause this is now telling us a little bit about what the personality of this Doom must be like.

I flipped back the drooping hair in disgust. How would anybody like me with such horrid looks? Grim still sat there, grinning. Now, I began to think I had heard him wrong. Maybe it had been "Grin" instead of "Grim". Or perhaps his parents named him incorrectly.

"Stop it, will you?" I snapped. I didn't like people looking at me that way.

"Where were you trying to get to, anyway?" he laughed, ruffling his cute red hair.

"Mother Anger's" I said, squeezing the water from my hair.

Well...that was a bit of a nice joke there, but again I am getting slightly lost in the overall flow of this story, it doesn't quite seem like it knows quite where its trying to go or how to get there, if you get what I mean.

"Woaaah, you're related to Anger? I... guess I can see that," he said with a smile.

"Well, you certainly don't seem grim!" I awkwardly pointed out.

I stood up, dusting off my peasant shirt and continued to search for that path. Grim eyed me comically as I flashed a mean look at him. He laughed. I'd wish he stopped that. It could start getting annoying... and something disastrous would turn up.

"What... art thou searcheth for....eth?" he snorted boyishly, throwing his arms up in the air as he tipped backwards.

"The path, Sir dumb Grim. I lost my way," I grumbled at his humor.

Okay...now its just going for full on humor there...which is well, I like a good joke...but once again I am a bit confused as to whether these two are meant to know each other judging this easy camaraderie we see here or are they strangers which is what the dialogue so far seems to indicate...

"Me too," he suddenly sighed.

I felt no sympathy for such a comical boy and rolled my eyes, walking away. Why would I help such an ignorant kid? His attitude had as much value as my hair now - worthless. He was lucky to be born with such beautiful red hair. It looked very fine atop his pale face.

"Hey, wait up!" Grim called, as he ran after me with a sack of food.

Okay...so another bit of confusion there once again, cause initially you get the feeling that Doom here likes this person they just met, but then you have her suddenly just be all dismissive and almost insult the person before thinking of just stalking off.

"What do you want?" I screeched, annoyed at... well.. for the sake of being annoyed.

"Woaah, sound just like Anger, there, Doom," his eyes grew wide, "Anyways, I don't mean much, but it'd be better with two than one!"

"I was fine on my own, Grim," I replied, brushing away a branch.

"But you can't moo without two!" he laughed at his own joke.

Hmm...okay, we have humor now and it seems like Doom is simply being annoyed at this point rather than laughing along with it like she was doiong earlier....well...this is just continuing to go in somewhat random directions here.

"I don't even know or care what that's supposed to mean, but as long as you stop. BEING SO ANNOYING." I angrily snapped. Things were going to be harder with a weirdo around.

Well, at least it was easier to tolerate him than fight with him. He was so comical and stupid during the search. Grim didn't amuse me much, but at least he was company. Not that I liked company, I just like to meet someone new... once in a while.

At last, through the dead trees and boulders, we found the path. I gave a sigh of relief and bid him good-bye.

Well...that part finally makes sense I suppose...now we know that she seems to have somehow find her way home while travelling with this person somehow.

"Good bye?" he laughed, swinging his sack over his shoulder.

"Yes, farewell to you, and good health on your way," I droned on, annoyed at his hints and clues.

"Oh, no. You don't quite understand, Doom! I was off to Anger's home also! I've come a long way to see her. You see, I'm her paint supplier," he grinned as he let me peak into his bag.

I realized it was not food he carried. Inside the bag were various flowers and... green stalks? I picked up one of the stalks. They were so strange; yet, they were beautiful.

Okay...well, this is finally now starting to make sense and things are starting to tie together somewhat, this is good to see at least...now we get to see how this person actually plays into the plot and the fact that there is actually somewhat of a plot here.

"Grass," he smiled, picking up one and smelling it.

Grass?! This was grass? I took a deep breath of the wonderful piece of life I held. Grass. Grim had been to the green valleys. That is the only place known to hold.... grass. I gently laid the fragile item back in his bag.

"Do you want to journey together, Doom?" he smiled, closing his bag and holding out his hand.

"Yes," I breathed, and together, we held hands on another journey before us.

Well that reaction to grass is certainly very interesting, I love how that was done right there...that certainly makes one think of some potential mysteries, but once again the ending seems to show a sudden change in mind of this girl and it ends on a bit of a tangled note there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this seems like a pretty interesting story, but this first chapter here needs a bit of work before it can really measure up to this premise here. Aaand yeah, that's about all I've gotta say for now.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry