z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Revolution Begins

by kathryn


“Are you ready to go?”

“As ready as I’m going to be.” I say turning and taking Sebastien’s arm. It was time to fight for our freedom. The thing that we lost when we were born into this awful world but something that we will take back no matter what.

“You seem nervous. Are you excited or scared? Or maybe both?” He says noticing my hesitance. “Are you ready to be a hero?”

“I don’t know. I’ll have to get out there and actually fight in order to know if I will actually be the hero or not.” I say. Then, we walk up to the conference room and get ready to hear the battle plan.

“You’re late! Hurry up!” The general says shoving us through the door. The briefing has already started so we just find our seats on either side of Kathryn. Kathryn has the biggest handicap out of all of us because she can’t see, hear or speak. You might be wondering why we are having her fight with us. The answer is that just because she doesn’t have those three things doesn’t mean she is completely helpless. Actually she is one of the best fighters I know. She is super sensitive and her sense of smell is amazing. She can track a scent in a matter of seconds.

“Katherine are you listening? It is vital that you get this information to Kathryn.” The general says snapping me out of my daydream.

“I’m sorry, sir. Please continue.” I say. He continues and I make sure that my ears are also Kathryn’s ears. Yeah, we can do that it’s really cool. The only reason that we can do that is because Kathryn, Sebastien and I all live in the same body usually. When we are separated we are all connected by a silver chain. Kathryn lightly taps my leg to let me know that I’m getting off track again. I go back to paying attention but then I feel Kathryn stiffen up beside me. I keep looking forward but I squeeze her hand.

Kathryn, what’s wrong? What do you sense? I think at her. She can’t hear but she can read thoughts.

They are starting an attack on the fourth circle. We need to go help them. They are going to attack the hospital where there are a lot of injured women and children. Katherine we need to go! She says. That’s another one of her abilities she can sense the future and she is never wrong.

“Sir. We need to go. Now. They’ve started their attacks.” I say.

“We are not done going over everything.” He says. Then, the TV pops on and it’s the one thing that ever gets broadcasted which is the flames of the Inferno and then Kathryn’s dad who just happens to be the ruler of this God awful place comes on and announces the attack. Then, the camera pans to the fourth circle and shows the aircraft coming in to drop bombs. By the time the people in the room turned to talk to us we were gone.


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45 Reviews


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Mon Sep 28, 2015 6:47 pm
Europa says...



Great job! This is very interesting, I cant wait to read more! I got a little confused when you said they all shared the same body, but they were seperate.
did you mean they were literally connected by a silver chain, or just figuratively?
If it was meant as an expression, it was very unique and Un-cleche, very nice work, but try to make that part just a little less vague. try to get into more detail. I like the Idea of Katheryn being blind and deaf and mute, as this could be an interesting challenge to overcome. I absolutely love reading about blind characters, as long as their well written (It's harder than it looks, but worth it.) It provides an extra challenge to write from a blind person's point of view because much of a books narration relies on sight to describe actions and emotions. I would love to see even the smallest part where Katheryn is narrating.
Again, really, seriously, nice work!
Loves!
-Fanty




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45 Reviews


Points: 529
Reviews: 45

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Mon Sep 28, 2015 6:47 pm
Europa wrote a review...



Great job! This is very interesting, I cant wait to read more! I got a little confused when you said they all shared the same body, but they were seperate.
did you mean they were literally connected by a silver chain, or just figuratively?
If it was meant as an expression, it was very unique and Un-cleche, very nice work, but try to make that part just a little less vague. try to get into more detail. I like the Idea of Katheryn being blind and deaf and mute, as this could be an interesting challenge to overcome. I absolutely love reading about blind characters, as long as their well written (It's harder than it looks, but worth it.) It provides an extra challenge to write from a blind person's point of view because much of a books narration relies on sight to describe actions and emotions. I would love to see even the smallest part where Katheryn is narrating.
Again, really, seriously, nice work!
Loves!
-Fanty




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Mon Sep 28, 2015 6:16 am
ThePhoenix wrote a review...



Hello there!
I'm here to deliver a review.

This is a good way to start you story. I like the whole idea of taking back your freedom. Kinda sounds like something a prisoner of war would say. Except more epic (I guess).

Plot

Spoiler! :
So like I said, I like how they're fighting for their freedom against... Kathryn's father? I'm not sure. You don't really say who the enemy is. I get the idea that is is Kathryn's father since he's the ruler, yet Katherine still calls this place a "God awful world".

Although, the way you revealed the fact about how Kathryn's father rules the world is very anti-climatic and a bit disappointing. I imagine he will play a very big role, being the enemy and all. So it's disappointing seeing Katherine just say it like it's no big deal.

Same with the whole "sharing a body" thing. She doesn't go into any detail about it. Sure, it may be a common thing in her world but for the reader, it certainly isn't so it would be helpful if you went into detail about how exactly they "share a body". This would also help the reader fully understand what happens when the three are conversing between themselves.


Characters
Spoiler! :
I like how even though Kathryn has no sense of sight, hearing or speak (although that isn't really much use in a battlefield) she is still one of the strongest fighters.

The hesitation from Katherine at the beginning is understandable since she is about to fight in a war.

We don't really know anything about Sebastien yet, though.


That's really all I have to say. There's really not much I can say without repeating something that @Stegosaurus hasn't already so...

Bye!




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Mon Sep 28, 2015 1:38 am
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

This is a good start to a novel (if you are making this into one). I like how the MC is going to fight for freedom, but seem hesitance at the whole thing but wants to be a hero nonetheless. Also the title seemed to drag me in- which is a good because a good title means a good novel ;)

In the beginning of this chapter, I feel like you should say who said what because at this moment- for all we know- the thing that said it could be a pink monster with neon green teeth. Elaborate with details and a name, because that can get the gears in the reader's head to turn and follow the story completely.
Another thing I like to point out is how sudden they go into battle without any behind reason as to why they decide to go into battle. What I infer, from reading ahead, would be that they are going against some country or place and want to get their freedom. If you add more of a description of this, it would give more of a history to it.

“As ready as I’m going to be.”


What I hear most often is As ready as I'll ever be but yours sounds fine the way it does.

Kathryn has the biggest handicap out of all of us because she can’t see, hear or speak. You might be wondering why we are having her fight with us. The answer is that just because she doesn’t have those three things doesn’t mean she is completely helpless. Actually she is one of the best fighters I know. She is super sensitive and her sense of smell is amazing. She can track a scent in a matter of seconds.


This is lovely info to know- however- it seems so much at once. Like it is lovely to know that the old lady is the weaker ant than the rest of the colony but we didn't ask the question as to why she decided to get her butt into gear and fight with them. So therefor, I don't think you need that 'question or answer' part so it can make more sense to the reader and not confuse them ^^
Also a little suggestion for the last line: She is super sensitive and her sense of smell is so amazing that she can track a scent in a matter of seconds- like a blind bloodhound since the next little part is a repetition of the first part so it is best just to put them together into one paragraph.

He continues and I make sure that my ears are also Kathryn’s ears. Yeah, we can do that it’s really cool. The only reason that we can do that is because Kathryn, Sebastien and I all live in the same body usually. When we are separated we are all connected by a silver chain. Kathryn lightly taps my leg to let me know that I’m getting off track again. I go back to paying attention but then I feel Kathryn stiffen up beside me. I keep looking forward but I squeeze her hand.


Mostly this is a little like the last one but not too much. For example: Yeah, we can do that it’s really cool. shouldn't be needed in here because it is just a point that doesn't need to be pointed out. Like info we don't need to know. Also the next line seems to confuse me a little: as to how do they all live in the same body?

“We are not done going over everything.” He says. Then, the TV pops on and it’s the one thing that ever gets broadcasted which is the flames of the Inferno and then Kathryn’s dad who just happens to be the ruler of this God awful place comes on and announces the attack. Then, the camera pans to the fourth circle and shows the aircraft coming in to drop bombs. By the time the people in the room turned to talk to us we were gone.


I feel like this was a little rushed. As in terms of saying what had happened- and seems to have some mistakes as well.

Then, the TV pops on and it’s the one thing that ever gets broadcasted which is the flames of the Inferno and then Kathryn’s dad who just happens to be the ruler of this God awful place comes on and announces the attack.

This seems like a run-on that needs some few commas within this long paragraph. If you re-read it, I am sure you could be able to find out where the commas need to go. Also I don't think you need to capitalize 'God' since it is describing what the place is thus it is only an adjective, not a full noun.


Overall, this was a lovely piece to read as well as the character and the feel for war was strong with this one. I cannot wait to see what will happen next!

If you want me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy





I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings