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Young Writers Society



Attack on the Fourth Circle

by kathryn


We don't wait for our personal aircraft to be ready. We need to get there fast. The three of us run to the highest point of our city which is actually above ground. The whole of our city has been built into the bottom of a mountain. It's been Sebastien's domain for thousands of years but now he has turned it over to the humans so that we can help them fight for equality in this demon filled place. I pull Kathryn with me to the edge of the cliff as the three of us prepare to take off. I look at Sebastien and he nods before diving off the cliff and unfurling his pure white wings. I put Kathryn in front of me and make sure that her toes are just barely over the edge so that she knows it's okay to jump from there.

'Unfurl right away. We don't need to be hitting any trees.' I tell her. She smiles before also diving off the cliff and immediately unfurling her wings. She has one black wing and one white wing. She's what we call a hybrid, born from a demon father and an angel mother. She's supposed to be dead but luckily she only lost her ability to speak, hear and see. I would say that she got the better end of that deal. I watch her catch up to Sebastien and just barely touch the tip of his wing as a guide. I close my eyes and jump off the edge of the cliff, unfurling my completely black wings. I'm a full blooded demon from the royal family of the second circle, which means that I'm actually not important at all. Clearly I'm not important because my family just kind of threw me away, they don't much like reform and I don't like following rules so we didn't exactly mix very well. One thing that I am hoping is that I don't have to hear from my father but I know that he has teamed up with the Inferno on this one. I catch up to Sebastien and Kathryn and fly up on Sebastien's left side because Kathryn is on the right.

"You're moving slow." He comments without looking at me. I fold my arms across my chest and just stare straight ahead. I see him peek over at me. "Are you okay?" I sigh and drop my arms.

"Yeah. Just lost in all of my thoughts." I tell him. We are travelling at high speeds to try and get to the fourth circle before any real damage can happen. I fly up a bit to peek over Sebastien, trying to see Kathryn but she's gone.

“Katherine what the hell are you doing?! You cannot act of your own accord! You are not ready to fight! You will die!” The general is yelling in my ear.

“Better me than them.” I answer him calmly. I take the earpiece out and keep pushing forward with Sebastien following close behind me. As we near the fourth circle we can see that there is already smoke from a fire and we can see the bombers floating overhead preparing for the attack. I turn around to see if I can tell where Kathryn is now and there is a huge aircraft coming out of the smoke. I put my earpiece back in.

"You should have at least let us get ready with your transportation home." The commander says.

"Sorry. It was a little bit of short notice. Did you see Kathryn?" I say. Then, Kathryn bursts out of the smoke with all of our weapons that we had left when we were in such a rush.

I thought we might want these because we won't be fighting against actual people so our powers are probably useless. Kathryn thinks at us. She is so much smarter than Sebastien and I.

Good thinking. I say as she comes up and gives us our weapons. She has her death scythe which is actually a giant black sword, I have my own hand made bow and arrows, and Sebastien has his own hand made weapons. We all turn around and get back in formation and head down into the district to protect the hospital from the bombs.

As we get closer I start to get an interference in my earpiece.

"Commander? General?" I ask into the mouth piece. The answer I get is the most shocking.

"I never thought that you my own daughter would be a part of the rebel team. I thought that I would have raised you to see that these low life people don't deserve to live like the royals do. I guess I was wrong. I will end you once and for all." My father. I was shocked when I heard his voice because he usually didn't accompany his men on any attacks. Maybe he just wanted to see if it was true.

"Katherine! You need to retreat now! Are you listening to me?! It's really not safe. You are going to get killed." The general comes back on.

"Well, I'm glad to hear your voice again but can you please stop yelling at me?" I say. Suddenly one of my wings gets hit with a bullet from the enemy craft and I start to fall. I land on one of the roofs and there is one of his men waiting for me. I slowly pick myself up cursing from the pain that shoots all the way up through my shoulder. I stand up and my injured wing hangs limply behind me while the other closes tightly against my back. I smirk at the man as he nervously stands in front of me with a gun.

"well, we didn't expect to be fighting actual people today but I guess we were wrong. What is your name and rank and why did my father send you?" I ask. I of course already know all of the answers I just wanted to hear him say it.

"He gave me direct orders to kill you. Any way possible. I think that you know what that means so I won't explain." He says. He gets a giant grin on his face as he moves closer to me. I close my eyes and summon my alternate.

"He gave you direct orders, huh? What will he do if I kill you? He will probably waste all of his men and then run away, right?" My alternate says. She opens her eyes and looks down on the man.

"He will send more if you kill me." He stops short as his eyes widen and he literally falls into a mutilated heap on the ground. My alternate personality has the ability to mutilate people without touching them. She has these invisible hands called vectors and they literally rip the person limb from limb if you look into her eyes. I created her as an escape from my father's beatings but then I ended up killing one of my best friends when my father decided to turn my alternate loose in front of three people that I really care about.

"Well, I guess you'll just have to send more." I shrug and look up at the aircraft. "What can I say? Beauty kills." I get a huge grin on my face. The craft turns and quickly flies away not even bothering to drop more than one bomb. I just made Sebastien and Kathryn's job a lot easier.

"Katherine. Let's go back. We successfully saved this circle. we should celebrate." Sebastien says. He walks up behind me and before I can turn around he pokes my sides and causes me to pass out and turn back to normal.


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Tue Sep 29, 2015 7:40 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



So this line should probably be in italics, not quotes, right? Because Katherine is talking to Kathryn, who you then tell us can’t see, hear, or speak. At first I was completely confused, but then later when they were using telepathy to talk to each other I was like: aha! This must be what this line is supposed to be. So it’s this one:

'Unfurl right away. We don't need to be hitting any trees.' I tell her.


Then my other suggestion is building up the suspense and danger by showing us more of this Fourth Circle and what the three characters encounter on their way there. I mean, you’ve got that guy that Katherine’s father apparently hired to take her down, and you mention bombs, but the danger always seems to kind of come out of nowhere when what I think you were getting at is a war zone. Somewhere with lots of danger and weapons and screaming and whatnot. Instead, the setting fades into the background while the characters talk to each other and then shows up at intervals to provide some danger. But if they’re flying over a place where there’s a lot of fighting and there are bombs and people with guns, the danger should be more constant.

I’m not saying they have to be dodging bullets every other line or anything like that. But I didn’t feel very grounded in where the characters were or what was going on at this moment in time. It would help if I saw the characters interact more with the setting. What do they hear as they fly over this area? What do they see?

(Description gives me a lot of trouble, usually, so it’s something I tend to notice in other people’s writing, too.)

I think it’s cool you’ve chosen to write from the perspective of a demon and that she’s hanging out with a half-demon and…is Sebastien also a demon? You might’ve mentioned it, it’s just that I’m writing this on my break at work, so I don’t recall. Anyway, it’s an interesting perspective to take, especially since she seems to be going against some of the other demons (her father) and doing something good (or at least she mentioned protecting hospitals from bombs in there, so I’m just assuming).

Feel free to PM me with any questions.

BlueAfrica




kathryn says...


Thank you for your review! I actually put the telepathic communication between the three of them in single quotes but I guess it looks too much like regular dialogue to someone who isn't really familiar with that. Sebastien is an angel and Kathryn is a hybrid demon/angel. I will definitely work on building the suspense more.



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Tue Sep 29, 2015 12:27 am
ThePhoenix wrote a review...



Hello there!
I think I liked this chapter a lot more than the last one, mainly because there's slightly more action. And I was getting an Elfen Lied vibe at the end. Because of the vectors and mutilation...
:D

Stuff

Spoiler! :
The three of us run to the highest point of our city which is actually above ground.


One thing that bugged me. Can the wings not provide their own lift? Or is it just because they're children of demons? I know you had the three jump off a mountain because the velocity of the fall would actually get them to their destination faster, but why did they run to it? Why not just fly? If their wings cannot provide their own lift, then that just seems like an evolutionary disadvantage. If they're unable because children of demons/angels cannot for whatever reason, then you need to tell us.

The three of us run to the highest point of our city which is actually above ground.


I'm pretty sure that any place that is "the highest point" is above ground. Unless you meant something else.


It's been Sebastien's domain for thousands of years but now he has turned it over to the humans so that we can help them fight for equality in this demon filled place.


Ok, that's brilliant and all, but is the reason Sebastien can live for thousands of years because he's an angel? If that's why, you should tell the reader. Sure, they might just assume the same thing, but if it's a completely different reason then the reader will just be confused the entire time.


'Unfurl right away. We don't need to be hitting any trees.' I tell her.


Wait, she's telling Kathryn? Isn't she deaf? How can Kathryn hear her? Or did Katherine telepathically communicate that message to her? I don't think so since you used the word "tell" instead of "thought".


"You should have at least let us get ready with your transportation home."


You mean like a helicopter or something? So from this line I'm guessing that the three main characters can indeed "not fly". At least not without jumping from a high altitude.
Also, can't he just send the transportation to them after they're done? What does "get ready" with their transportation mean?


Then, Kathryn bursts out of the smoke with all of our weapons that we had left when we were in such a rush.


So wait, you mean the smoke from the aircraft right? Not the smoke from the fourth circle. You need to clarify things like this.


"I never thought that you my own daughter would be a part of the rebel team. I thought that I would have raised you to see that these low life people


But her father threw her out, remember? Or did you mean something else by "threw out"? Again, clarification.


he literally falls into a mutilated heap on the ground.


How else would he fall to the ground in a mutilated heap, if not literally? And since you explain what happened in the next sentence, the word literally isn't needed.


I created her as an escape from my father's beatings


Wait what?
Full-blooded demons can create alternate personalities that do much than just act differently? You really need to explain things like this differently. Sure, it would take longer but it would really help the audience become less confused.


"Katherine. Let's go back. We successfully saved this circle. we should celebrate."


What??? That was one person. Sure, the other humans might've been afraid. But Katherine's father not think to send non-humans as well? Because apparently demons and angels are immune to their powers.



Plot
Spoiler! :
Like I said, I really liked how this had more action. Whilst you don't explain a lot of things, you certainly do introduce us to more attributes of your characters that make them a lot more exciting.
I'm still not entirely sure of the plot, but I'm pretty sure it's to defeat Katherine's father. Since that's the whole point of her joining the rebellion.
I'm not sure about the whole "Elfen Lied" vectors thing as they're not actually created by you, but I don't really know if there is any rule against it so...



Characters
Spoiler! :
So you introduce Katherine to us as a more rebellious kind of person that doesn't like following rules. I'm not entirely sure of why she joined the rebellion then since that also requires following rules. But I guess she's more of a "disobeying rules only when I don't like them" sort of person.
We still don't know much about Sebastien except that he's thousands of years old, is an angel and makes his own weapons. I may have missed a bit, though.
I don't have much to say about Kathryn so...



And that's all I got.
Like I said, I really liked this chapter...
Um, I can't think of anything else to say.
So...

Bye!





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