The fire burns brightly
On the horizon
The crimson moon shows darkly
Against a red sky
The ruins are everywhere
It reminds me
Of what I did here
The war
I don't want the memories
I don't like the fights
I wanted to be recognized as something more
More than the monster that I was
The only way to get him to see
Was to make a huge show
But it only proved to make it worse
We lost too many people
Humans mostly
It's sad
I tried to protect them but I failed
They died
And now it's riding on my back
What I did no one was expecting
Because they thought I was serious about winning
Of course I was but I failed to protect so I did the "honorable" thing
So that was the end of the revolution
With me dead in a cell
Everyone wondering what was so bad about living in this place called Hell.
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138,220 Literary Works • 672,084 Reviews
Why is big bang losing now
. Anyway, Time for a review!
Ok, you did really good at giving the reader a feeling, Depression and pure sadness. So that's really good.
Now, I didn't see any spelling/Grammer mistakes here, but their are a few things that I don't like.
In the start of this, it didn't rhyme and so goes for the middle, but the last two sentences DID ryhme. Now that IS a good idea as it will make the reader think about (I do it to a lot of my writings too). But "Cell" and "hell" seem a little forced. I might be wrong about that, though.
"I don't want the memories"
I don't like the fights"
"Like" and "want" should be on opposite sentences, that would sound better.
Also, put commas after sentences, but that's only optional, however.
I like it!!!
Try minimizing, let it breath.
"The fire burns bright on the horizon
The crimson moon dark against the sky
The ruins everywhere remind me
Of what I did."
Let the feelings about the memories be evoked by the way you discuss them, perhaps.
Just a thought.
On a more technical side, I would consider incorporating more punctuation for pauses in the work. For example, "Of what I did." Pause, linger on the thought, let it sink in. Punctuation serves for the readers as indicators of how the poem should be read. When Ginsberg writes, 'who lit cigarettes in boxcars boxcars boxcars racketing / through snow toward lonesome farms in grandfather night,' the lack of punctuation between boxcars is for a certain effect.
Any way, ciao~
Again like I keep saying to everyone ...great please just use proper spacing. Yes I realize I suck at reviewing.
Hi Kathryn!
I'm Elinor, and I'm here to give you a review. I thought the premise behind this poem was really interesting, but in the end, it didn't really do all that much for me. I think, in a poem like this, you'd have to rely very heavily on descriptive imagery to make this resonate, and I didn't really get that from this.
You sort of touch on "it's dark, it's cold, it's depressing" but it doesn't dig under the surface. Make us live and breathe what hell is like when we read this. I also wasn't really sure if this was a metaphorical hell, or a literal hell. I think either approach would be interesting.
I also want to know more about this narrator - you sort of touch on there being something there, but it doesn't feel important to the story that you're trying to tell.
Good luck! As I told you earlier, I think this has a lot of potential and I'm curious to see what you with a revision.
Best!
Hello Kathryn! racket here to review your poem.
Well. This is kind of dark and depressing... But you made that atmosphere, and I think that's what you were going for, so good job! It's always a main priority in writing to actually create the mood you want.
I have a few questions/comments/suggestions/concerns/etc. for you, the first of which being the actual meaning behind this poem. You categorized this as fantasy, which I can kind of see from the 'I did try to save humans etc., etc.' bits, but that's as far as your poem really goes in the fantasy areas. Also, the poem itself is a little difficult to decipher in meaning. You can tell by the end that it's about a revolution with non-humans and such in either a metaphorical or literal place called 'Hell', but the beginning and middle of the poem is confusing.
Up to this line, you kind of think 'oh, this person messed up hugely and is trying to fix up what remains of their hellish life', kind of realistic and depressing, but relatable. But after that it goes to war. 'Oh, okay, now the main character is a veteran, seen too much bloodshed and is trying to let it go. Gotcha.' Those first two ideas kind of mash okay together, but not seamlessly, as is the goal of a poem.
Now the reader is thinking it's a romantic poem. Some girl messed up with the guy she's crushing on by putting on a fake persona to get attention etc., etc. Kind of normal, relatable poetry material. Doesn't mash very well with the 'war veteran' part before it.
And THEN it gets all fantastical, mentioning 'humans' and death and cells and Hell and sacrifices. Doesn't mash at all well with the first or third moods your poem is giving off. I think that makes sense... So what you need to focus on before we get all nit-picky on your lack of punctuation and stuff (which you actually did fine on, just could be made a bit more interesting), is figuring out what you want to express to the readers, and then go through your poem and un-confuse-ify it into fitting with that theme. I think you should maybe focus less on the setting, or maybe add in more lines, your choice, but really focusing on the extraterrestrial aspect of this poem and all the main character had to offer interesting-ness wise to the really create the right mood for your poem and convey the right ideas to your reader.
Your poem really does have great potential, and I did enjoy trying to grasp at the concept. You just need to clarify a bit before you can go back through and actually edit for phrasing and commas and stanzas and all that jazz. So keep it up! This has promise, and I'm sure you can make it show it. Thanks for writing!
~racket
It's not meant to be romantic. It's supposed to be taking place after this girl started a revolution to over throw her father but all it ended up doing was causing more chaos even though they had won but she felt like she had failed anway. And it's the literal place.
I see. I didn't think you were trying to be romantic, I was just trying to show you what you are conveying in different parts of the poem. It clashes weirdly in some spots, so if that's what you are trying to put out there, maybe be a bit more specific? I'm only trying to help you make your poem better, I am not trying to attack you. I'm sorry if I came across like that.
I see. I didn't think you were trying to be romantic, I was just trying to show you what you are conveying in different parts of the poem. It clashes weirdly in some spots, so if that's what you are trying to put out there, maybe be a bit more specific? I'm only trying to help you make your poem better, I am not trying to attack you. I'm sorry if I came across like that.
You're fine. I was just trying to explain it a little better.
Yeah. Well, thanks for reading my review!