What truly happens when you wish upon a star? Does anyone truly hear? Sitting upon the grassy hill, looking at the bright moon, white as milk. Esmeray watches and as a shooting star passes her eye she thinks to herself about if wishes could come true? She always thought the concept was quite silly, but her mom was persistent that shooting stars granted wishes.
'Why not?' she thought. Here she was by herself in her backyard, who would hear?
"If my mother is right and shooting stars really do grant wishes, then, hmm.. I know, how about I wish for something exciting to finally happen in my dull life." Slightly laughing to herself she sits up and wonders what will actually happen if her wish comes true. Would she find an exciting new boyfriend? Maybe a cool trip? Her auburn hair clouds her eyes and she continues to watch the stars. Her disbelief incredibly obvious that she didn't even notice the newly appeared figure watching her from behind the spruce tree. She quietly rambles on about what exciting things could happen to her the man fixes his deep blue hair and watches the girl on the hill as she plays with her now frizzy auburn hair, occasionally laughing to her quiet conversation. As he surveys his new surroundings he thinks over what happened to him. All because this girl saw a shooting star here he was, back on Earth. No help for him to decide how to do this. He just has to make this girl's life interesting without getting caught. Should this be easy? He hopes, but as it's his first mission, and not an easy one at that, it may not be. The girl turns around and he quickly backs away further into the forest keeping Esmeray from her house. How bad it would be for him to be caught less than five minutes into this mission. He sighs, catching her attention. Ardel tries to keep himself hidden with no avail. Esmeray can't see much as the only illumination comes from the unusually bright light coming from the full moon. Hidden in the darkness of trees neither can see much but the light is enough to pick up his fluffy blue hair, and his unusually choice in clothing. An almost glowing white dress and bare feet. Being a young teenager Esmeray was terrified of this young man and quickly runs afraid he's a stalker of sorts.
Tomorrow when she arrives at school, excited to tell Evangeline and Kiran about last nights encounter with the strange boy. After they all have their books she began her retelling and as she walks into class she stops and gasps.
"What is it?" Evangeline asks, as Esmeray stares at a blue haired boy.
"He's the one I saw last night! What the hell is he doing here?" She agitatedly whispers, The boy turns and smiles at them and proceeds to wave at them. Evangeline timidly waves back and Kiran pretends not to see him. Esmeray notices his seat, which just so happens to be beside hers. She awkwardly shuffles over beside him and takes her seat.
"Hello, my names Ardal." The blue haired boy introduces himself.
"Esmeray," the girl replies back. As she looks at him more closely she realizes that he's actually quite attractive. While she stares at him Evangelive rolls her eyes at her and hits her shoulder to get her attention.
"Earth to Esmeray. You're staring," Esmeray quickly jumps back away from Ardal and turns back to face Evangeline, her pale face red with blush.
"Why didn't you stop me earlier!," She frustratedly sighs. Evangeline goes to speak but just as she does their teacher, Mrs. Katherine walks into the room looking like she's on a mission.
"Today class we are going to be reading and doing so book work. Oh yeah we also have a new student. Mr. Ardal please introduce yourself," she rambles on unamused.
"Oh of course Miss," he smiles angelicly and stands up. "As Mrs. Kathrine said I'm Ardal and I just moved here. I like books and the colour white." He seems to have the whole class mesmerized just from his two sentences and even the hard Mrs. Kathrine seems warmed by him.
"Alright, alright, that's enough for now. If you like books so much why don't you read from us?" Ardel nods his head and takes my Outsiders book from my desk, flips open to the page we're on without being told it and begins to read, somehow keeping the whole class silent as they watch him like he's something a talking three headed dog. Esmeray watches him, bookless of course, not really seeing th appeal that everyone else is seeing. She notices he's pretty hot, but he's somehow keeping their usually rowdy class in line. Esmeray doesn't even really listen. She just wonders who he really is, and why he was in her backyard last night. The plans Mrs. Kathrine had for them to do book work were completely thrown out the window, Ardal was to blame, but no one really cared. As the class bell rang everyone gathered their things up and went on to the next class. Esmeray was curious when she arrived at her locker and saw a set of lockers being installed just a door away from hers. Confused as she was she asked the people installing the lockers what they were doing.
"There aren't enough lockers and the headmaster would prefer some more here," The big man with greasy hair and big muscles grunts out as he tries to carry a locker into place. From behind her Ardel walks up and waves hello to the construction men.
"How are you Esmeray? You have chemistry next correct?" He tilts his head to the side slightly smiling to her.
"Um.. Yes I do actually. How did you know?"
" Oh just a lucky guess," As he says this she for the first time can truly see him, he's tall, with his unnatural blue hair. Today he's wear some faded blue jeans with a hoodie. Esmeray looks down at herself self consciously. She's wearing a knee-length black dress with a white sweetheart neckline, and some faded black flats. She's only wearing bare minimum makeup that barely goes with her dress.
"I like your dress, very cute," he says as he touches the shoulder of her dress. Esmeray knows she shouldn't bring up last night, but curiosity kills the cat. She's unsure about if she should ask about last nights apparel or just his appearance in general. She still doesn't really trust this strange man, but she knows it was him she saw last night. She's never seen anyone with hair like that anywhere else. His eyes were stars, she could recognize those anywhere after last night.
"So what were you wearing last night?" She asks them quickly covers up her mouth her face red again.
"Last night?" His eyes wide he tried to cover up his surprise. "I wasn't anywhere last night, and I shouldn't be late to class. See ya." He quickly walks away, hanging his head slightly. She knows it was him, and she just needs him to admit it.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hey! This shouldn't have to sit in the green room for this long! That's a shame! So lemme help you out
There's a few problems here. Some wordage and phrasage. I'd advise re-writing it something like "Her disbelief is incredible that she doesn't even notice the newly appeared figure watching her from behind the spruce tree. She quietly rambles on about what exciting things could happen to her. The man fixes his deep blue hair and watches the girl on the hill as she plays with her now frizzy auburn hair, occasionally laughing to her quiet conversation."
So if he's attractive, what exactly does that mean? remember, we can't see Ardal, so YOU have to describe him for us. Attractive can mean anything from well-tanned to muscular, to tall, to clean-shaven.
okay, so I skipped specific editing for the last few paragraphs so that I could get through it all before I leave. Overall this needs some polishing. You have to be very careful with switching tenses, which happened several times. Then there's pace. It goes at a high speed without really giving the reader time to understand and appreciate what's happening. Slow things down, give the reader some context and background and description of where this is taking place. Think of it as walking into a blank white room. Then add JUST the things that you have written, not any of the stuff in your head, and see what it looks like. That will help you gauge how much you need to add or take away from what you have here.
there are a lot of names in this chapter, but they come out of nowhere. Evangeline, Esmeray, Ardal, Mrs. Katherine, and so on. It's fine to give someone a name without introducing them through dialogue, but when you introduced Evangeline and Ardal, it was both just a sentence or two after referring to them as "man" or "friend". Be consistent.
There are some minor nitpicks with the grammar and the punctuation. Try to proofread through it before posting and catch as many little errors as you can. IT helps the flow and for the reviewer to focus on the story.
I know this is a lot in a review, and it's mostly negative. I in no way am attempting to attack you, and if you have any questions about my review please ask me.
~Messy
For start, we need to work on the title. It's very clichéd--and wordy. If I saw a book in a library with this kind of title, I wouldn't even touch it. That said, as you progress with this story, I would recommend trying to invent a catchy, memorable title that is true to the core of the story.
But that aside...
One of mine major qualms with this excerpt is that not much time is taken to delve into Esmeray's personality; so far, the story doesn't make her stand out very well. Same goes to her friends, as well as the stalker boy. As they are now, the characters, in mine opinion, are very one-dimensional. When Esmeray meets with her friends the following day, I would add a more meaningful conversation that brings out their diverse personalities--before the class begins and Ardal steals the show. That would be your chance to delve a little bit into his personality.
I see from your description that Esmeray is terrified, having noticed some stranger watching her in the night. But in mine opinion, she's not nearly terrified enough. Personally, if I caught some guy/girl at night hiding in the trees behind me, watching me, I'd be freaked the hell out. And if that same person ended up being a new student in the same class as me the day after, I wouldn't even speak to that person, much less look at them--if anything, I would be armed to the teeth, physically and mentally. And after correctly guessing what mine next class was, well, that's a restraining order right there. That said, I think Esmeray is warming up to Ardal WAY too easily. If I were her, I wouldn't even bother trying get him to "admit" anything--mine top priority would be keeping his stalker arse far away from me.
Ergo, I think this story would be much more entertaining if Esmeray has a much colder demeanor toward Ardal, and the only way Ardal is able to get past her walls of ice is through an unexpected crisis that forces them together. That would be your chance to slowly, but surely, reveal what his "mission" is.
Also, what non-Earth group does Ardal associate with? Who commands the group, and what is the commander's secret agenda? What is their purpose and what do they have to do with the shooting stars? These are things I feel need expanding upon.
Overall, you have a lot of raw talent; I can see it. But you need knowledge, focus, and experience in order to forge and sharpen that talent. Keep reading and writing, and I'm certain you'll become better. No Manga comics--actual books.