As I sit in my room at age 17 on the night of your birthday I began thinking about so much. There's so much I remember. So many little personal traditions. I lay down and smile so big...then the smile slowly starts to fade and I start to tear up. I start saying over and over "Why?", "Why her?", "Why MY mom?". I just want to scream and throw things. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. "It's just a dream." I say. "This is all just a dream that I will wake up from soon."...but it's not just a dream.
I start panicking. I start thinking...who am I gonna be hugging, give a kiss on the cheek, wait for one back, then cover up and say goodnight and I love you? Who am I gonna just drive around with and laugh and enjoy the weather? How am I gonna carry on without her?..."God," I whisper "you can't take her."
I start thinking again...Who's gonna see me walk across the stage to see me graduate then say "I'm proud of you baby girl!" Who's gonna give me away and walk me down the aisle when i get married?
I start smiling again. I even laugh a little at the happy, funny memories that run through my head. I remember this photo I saw on Facebook once, it said "If some stranger came up to you and asked you to describe me, what would you tell them?"
I got to thinking that if my mom shared it, It would never end. She's the sun to my shine, without her I would be in the dark. Cold, alone, with a broken heart, and lost.
I can't take the thought that one morning I won't be able to get up and make her favorite coffee that she loves, or watching our favorite show "Ellen" in the afternoon.
I start to get sleepy so I get up, walk into where she sleeps and kiss her on the cheek and say I love you. I whisper "Please don't go, please don't leave me. I still need you. Don't make me yell at your funeral "PLEASE WAKE UP MOMMY! PLEASE DON'T GO!"....I fall asleep next to her and whisper once more "I love you mommy, please don't go."
Next day I wake up......I'm 20 years old....I lay here and start crying, knowing that when I saw her, it was just in a dream.....