Before I actually copy and paste the poems in here, let me just say something. These are old. I kind of hate them now, but you know I can't trust myself to judge my own work because I hate all of it tbh. Please be gentle I had to do wonky things with meter and stuff for some of these and I absolutely hate meter so it's not the best but I had to complete the assignment one way or another so here we are.
One more thing, some of my stanzas are really wonky?? I don't know what I was doing, but one poem doesn't keep a consistent amount of lines in stanzas, one doesn't even have them, and then one is fine. They're all over the place, I'm sorry. Younger Me was an idiot
* * * * * * * *
Forget what you think you’ve been searching for
Just leave your soul and peace of mind dead on the floor
I won’t write it out for you again,
These unwritten rules never had an end
So cry your heart out with your sweet pure tears
Because it’s all just one big lie here
You’ll be stained by darkness if you open that door
And be shaken and bloodied down to your core
So don’t you cry out, don’t make a sound
Only by being lost will you be found
The world keeps spinning, dragging you along
So cry your heart out to the beat of the song
It’s not like anyone would care to hear
Nobody spares a glance or spares an ear
So open up that window, are you reaching for more?
Whatever else would you dare to look here for?
So stain this blue sky with your bloodied hands,
And fall to pieces, according to plan
And once beneath the moonlight’s end
We are all bewitched again
Your ragged kingdom turning upside down
So drop your shattered mask down to the ground
So cry that heart out with your charred black tears
Because truth no longer has a place here
If you should care as to this tale’s end
Then know for sure if you should break or bend
So lock your cries away, no room for tears
Because truth and “love” never had a place here
* * *
Tears fall softly down the face
Focused on a simple thing
Silent cries stay locked away, so
Watch these tears fall into place
Painlessly so it should be, yet
Words cannot describe this ache
This destruction of oneself is
Trapping painless misery in
Lines of coded painful needs, a
Stranger’s calls for sympathy
Loving you, akin to a wound
Pain-filled joy and gentle sorrow
Shadowed people offer comfort
Through these empty spaces here, to
One that doesn’t need a thing
Words mean less than what they should now
That the truth and lies don’t matter
Cast away grotesquely formed words
Hearing only what you wanted
Let it fall on deafened ears now
Tune out what you wish so blindly
Your world is ideal, darling
* * *
Daylight filters through the forest
Gently falling from the pale sky
Each leaf falls where it shall rest
Trampled underfoot, goodbye
Crystal water, shining slowly
Watching birds in this light take flight
Once again, look back and see
Beauty, a final farewell’s sight
Luscious lemon tinted leaves
Sweeter than our comfort's life
Sunset paints what things could be
But alas, time is our strife
Packed away, so say farewell, we
Keep this place within our minds
Feeling like a piece of me
Dwells here and will stay behind
On this cold day, I reside
Under clouds of sorrow’s gray
Painting pictures in my mind
Sweet as Summer sky filled days
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey friend,
these poems are not bad by any means! We all start somewhere, and they have the markings of a well-written poem. We've got some creative imagery, word-play, and emotional impact - these are all things that I normally look for in a poem, and strive to put in my own writing.
One area I think both of your poems could have some growth is narrative development.
Here's what I mean -
I couldn't really get the sense of the story/conflict that the speaker was having in either of the poems, the second one a bit more clearly, but the first one I really struggled to figure out what it was about. It seemed generically sad, rather than specifically sad - and although it would seem like leaving it generic would make it more widely relateable, it actually does the opposite since readers don't have anything to hold on to. Try to make the conflict a bit more clear and concrete, and I think the emotion will hit a bit more.
I think you really had some fine rhymes, especially in that second poem. I also enjoyed the painting of this imagery, "a piece of me / Dwells here and will stay behind / On this cold day, I reside / Under clouds of sorrow's gray" -- really nice metaphor to fit what the speaker is feeling. Now if I could just understand more about the source of their sadness, this would be quite impactful.
Also don't worry too much about the stanzas not being broken up! In my mind having one large clump of a poem, is preferable to just putting in stanza breaks randomly. Always go for something that looks clean and intentional, over rushed and random.
That's all I've got. But I'd really encourage you to take a second look at these and find out where they can grow, have faith in yourself, you seem like your writing has a lot of potential.
Reach out if you had any questions about my review, or wanted feedback on something a bit more specifically.
- alliyah
Hello my dear writing friend! FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on your work and to help you out a little on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room.
Okay shall we start?
So my I say these poems were really well written, they all had a very good meaning behind them, and they all carried the emotion you are looking for in a poem, but like you said you were young when you wrote them so they need a little polishing up, so that is what I am here to do.
But before I get into pointing some of the things I saw out I would like tell you something I learnt while I was writing, you should never doubt your ability to write, when you make that little note at the top saying it really bad I was expecting it to be bad, but when I started reading you really blew me away with how good this is, so you should never thing your work is bad. I will say it needs a little touching up, but everybody's works do. So believe in yourself next time.
Okay let's start with the review!
So here is the first thing I saw that can be fixed.
Okay so the words in bold is what I would like to talk about with you quickly, so you haven't spelt the words wrong or anything, but using the same word twice in the same sentence So maybe you could change one of them to another word, like the last spares could be changed lend, but that is up to you.
Here is the second thing I saw.
Like the last one I pointed out the words in bold are what I would like to talk about, so here there isn't really any problem, but I think you may have gotten here and for the wrong way round. If you swap them around they sound a lot better, but it works this way to, so again that is up to you.
Okay onto another thing I would like to talk about, it's very simple really and it will help with making this look better and sound better. So maybe try and put this poem into more stanzas, by doing that it will help with the flow, and making it look better, but not only that, when your reader gets to a new stanza they will stop for a bit and think about what they have read, becoming more apart of your poem.
Right I would like to talk about one more thing that will help with the finishing this poem up, and making it better. So I saw as I was reading that you didn't put very much punctuation in, and as it got towards the end of the poem the flow began to become more smooth and began to develop a flow, allowing a really good read, so what I am saying is maybe read through this poem again with punctuation in mind and see were is the best places to put commas and exclamation marks and so on.
I think that will go this poem a lot of good, and then as your reading it, it wont sound as bad as you think.
Well that's all I could see that will help you out with making this better, but like I said before this isn't bad at all, it just needs a little more work that's all, and I'm glad I could point them out and help, I really enjoyed reading and reviewing your work, and I hope you will write more and post it on YWS soon. I hope you will have a great day or night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!
Hi @kaenexion I am here to do a review. So lets get started.
I can say that this was not the worst one I have read before, I really think that I have read worse ones. So lets get right into it shell we. also I'm just going to say this a head of time before you get a bit upset. I'm going to be giving quit a bit of crit essisams witch can hurt your feelings, but pleas do not take it personally
So I was think about these two lines for a little while before I said any thing about them. I just think that somethings bothering me with the riming. I just think that for and floor are way to similar. I mean with for if you just ad an l and another o then it would be floor, and if you took away thoughs things with floor then it would be for. so that is the only thing that is bothering me with these lines. The rest is fine I liked them all the same.
Okay I love reading this line I think its just the fact that I kind of like the sound of blood, lol. But any ways I liked this line.
I was reading this line, and I feel like this line should have been in two different lines. I will show you what i mean.
Okay so that's what I mean by I just think it would be better, unless you want to just add a word. witch i think i got some suggestions to do that, so I am going to put this down in suggestions, the change or the added bits will be in bold letters.
I was not sure about this line very much I really thought about it, I read it and it just does not sound right to me. I'm going to do the same to this line as the last line by putting it in to suggestions, just this one mite have a bit more changes added to it.
Suggestions
Okay so here is the suggestion I hope that its okay and it helps you a bit, I just think it would be better like this.
So there we go that is the suggestion I did take away a word, so you can see that more closely I will just put the original line here.
okay here is the original line.
I think that the rest of this poem was quit good. This poem's not that bad you did a good job. There are always things that need a bit of work. also you don't have to take in what I said.
So that is all that I can say. I really hope I was not to harsh on you if I was then pleas forgive me for it. So keep up with the writing.
I hope you have a great Day/Night
@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews