Published November 11, 2007
Here's another sonnet by me! I'm not really particularly fond of sonnets because of its rules but because our English teacher told us to make another one this year, I had no choice but to make one. We had to make a sonnet (Italian) based on our pictures (I chose one of a dead tree on a desert/barren land and there were these big clouds overhead) and this is what I got. Am not satisfied with it though. Can you guys pls help me revise it? Thanks! =)
Weeping
How terrible the sound that silence makes
In this barren desert land of hate!
No creature dares to contemplate
To live in a land where the heart aches.
Only a solitary being stands as the earth quakes,
Oblivious to its desolation and naked state.
it stands upright fighting its sad fate.
Suddenly the violent calm that silence takes
Disappeared as the wailing clouds emerged.
Weeping and moaning, they granted satisfaction
To this dead tree with tears they purged.
Hope drowned its suffering and frustration.
But alas once the tempest has diverged,
It awaits another millennia of seclusion.
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Well, I know absolutely nothing about sonnets, so I can't offer much. This was well written and gets the point across.
Hmm... well, the beginning doesn't really catch because "makes," "hate," "contemplate," and "aches" are so similar that at first I thought that you were using an aaaa format instead of an abba. So not only do you have to worry about the words and whether they rhyme, but also the sounds of words. Just look at any of Shakespeare's sonnets. He has some really lovely ones, but he varies the word choice and word sounds to create a more interesting diversity.
It sounds like you're rhyming for the sole purpose of rhyming.
So add some more "i" sounding words at the ends!
And... no offense, but the middle kind of sags. Earthquakes?
So yeah. Before you write a sonnet, read a lot of good sonnets so you can get the feeling in your ear. Then do a freewrite... who cares about the form! After that format, then you try to tweak it into sonnet form. Don't just stuff a bunch of words into a sonnet form... it doesn't work that way. XD