Chapter 1: Introduction
In this story a young girl about the age of 13 found what she thought was the love of her life. But she soon found out that no matter what he would always break her heart. And yet she still thought that he would soon change so she kept giving him more and more chances, and she soon found out that she would be crying alone in her room with no one left in the world that cared for her.
There was a girl and her name was Anishia and she had lived in a little town in the mountains called Westwood. But what she didn’t know was that a guy would soon move up to Westwood and he would soon make her think that she had finally found the one that she truly loved. But she had no idea that he would break her heart so many times that it would soon lead to unthinkable pain. That had her crying into her pillow all night just so she could get some sleep. But he wouldn’t care what he did to her… Because she did it once to him.
Like I mentioned before he soon came. And she soon became best friends with his sister. His name was Kegan and his sister’s name was Kelshia. They moved to Westwood from Susanville. Susanville was another town in the mountains but this one was like a city. Well Anishia and Kelshia became best friends and well she never met Kegan before. But she heard from people that he was hot, but she didn’t believe them. She thought that they were just lying because the people that said he was cute wasn’t really her friends and they didn’t have the same taste in guys. But one night she went over there to spend the night. And it soon came to be one of the best nights of her life.
So she came over to Kelshia’s house and she spent the night. She finally got to see Kegan, and for the first time she actually agreed with them. She and Kegan had a lot of time to get know each other. And soon they came to like each other. And after a while they started to go out. And they were happy together and she thought that they would be together forever. Until something came to haunt her, something that we call “guilt.”
A week before Kelshia and Kegan moved up to Westwood, Anisha was going out with a guy named Chris. But don’t get me wrong I know that she really liked Chris.
And as I said she liked Chris a lot, but she dumped him to go out with Kegan. And then a couple of weeks later the guilt came to haunt her. And she felt really wrong. So the reason I put “Because she did it once to him.” Was because she dumped Kegan to go back out with Chris. But Chris didn’t want to go back out with her because he thought that she would do that to him again. But she told him that she will stay true to her word. And she did until he dumped her. But she didn’t go out with any other guy or she didn’t dump him for any other guy. But she soon found out how it feels to be dumped for someone else. Because that is exactly what Chris did.
A while after she went back out with Kegan. But it took some time. Because he was still mad at her because of what she did. But a couple of weeks after she asked Kegan back out, she went camping with Kegan and Kelshia. Kelshia brought along with her Anisha, and Chris came with Kegan. After the first day of camping, all of them (Anisha and Kegan, and Kelshia and Chris) got to know each other just a little too much. But during the night they all went on a moonlight stroll. But what happened on that “moonlight stroll” was something that none of them expected.
Chapter 2: Moonlight Stroll
During that moonlight stroll they came upon a river. But no one expected to come on a river so no one brought a swim suit. So what do you expect them to do? All of them wanted to go swimming because even though it was like 12 or 1’o clock or so it was really hot. So they all went swimming with their clothes. They went swimming for about and hour or so. After they came out they were freezing. So Chris cuddled up with Kelshia and Kegan cuddled with Anisha. They didn’t really want to go back to the tents because it was almost like a 30 minute walk. So they found a cave and they started a fire. They said that nothing happened and I myself think that something might have happened. But that is just me so I you can think differently. But any way back to the story.
They came back the next day. But for some reason they didn’t really talk to each other. Kelshia and Anishia talked together and Kegan and Chris talked. But for some reason Kegan and Anishia didn’t talk neither did Chris and Kelshia. And no one knew why. But for some reason they only didn’t talk until they got back from camping. They got back from camping a couple of days after the “Moonlight Stroll.”
They went to school the day after they came back. None of them talked to each other until it was volleyball season (which was about 5 days after they came back), and Kelshia and Anishia were on the same team. They started talking again, and they asked each other why they stopped talking and neither of them knew why they stopped. They think that it was because Kegan was Kelshia’s brother and she didn’t want her friends, especially her best friend, to go out with him. Also Chris was Anishia’s ex and she really didn’t want her best friends, or any one, to go out with him. So Anishia and Kegan started taking and Kelshia and Chris started talking again
.
Soon all of them got hooked up in the gym during one of Anishia’s and Kelshia’s volleyball games. They had good times together and they always hung out. They went out for about 3 months. But soon Anishia and Kelshia both found out that Chris and Kegan were cheating on them for a month with some of the popular girls. Kegan was going out with a girl named Crysta and Chris was going out with a girl named Katie.
Chapter3: The Break up
Even though they were the guys in the school known not to cheat on some one. They were also known to be the most trust worthy guys in the school. But they lost their title because of what they did. No one trusted them any more. Neither of them realized what they did. Until neither Anishia nor Kelshia were at school for 3 days straight. And Kegan said that he hasn’t seen his sister ever since she found out Chris was cheating on her. He said that the only thing that he knows about her was that she has been up in her room crying for about 5 days. No one had heard from Anishia except for Kelshia but she isn’t talking to anyone, and since Anishia didn’t have any siblings no one heard anything about her.
But finally Chris and Kegan realized what they did. But it was too late. Because they tried to talk to them but they would either walk the other way or just totally ignore them. It was painful to them. They went around mopping, and people went up to them with a bad attitude and said, “You know you don’t realize how much you love someone ‘till they’re gone. But in your case you didn’t realize it until the last moment, and for you that was the wrong time. You waited too long. Now it is too late!!!!!!!!”
Anishia and Kelshia talked on the phone a couple of days later and they said that they both felt bad about giving them the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. So they both agreed to take a “Moonlight Stroll” again with the guys. So Kelshia went to her brother’s room, and told him to get Chris and meet her and Anishia out at the park.
Chapter 4: Moonlight Stroll #2
So they meet out at the park and talked a little. They wanted to know why they all stopped talking. None of them remembered a thing. All of them wanted to know if any of them still have feelings for anyone there anymore, and of course neither Anishia nor Kelshia had feelings for Kegan or Chris because of what they did to them. But Kegan and Chris started to feel something for them again. They told Anishia and Kelshia how they felt about them. But nether of the girls wanted to talk to them about going out with them. They didn’t want them to go out with them any more because of the fear of being heart broken.
But time flies by quick and they went out again. But she was so stupid to let him get to her again. Because as you might have been expecting; he broke her heart yet again. But this time was the final time because it led to such unthinkable pain that she could not take it any more. She screamed on the top of her lungs when she got home. She screamed and went right to her room. She stayed there for 3 days straight. Not coming out unless it was to get some tissues or to go to the bathroom. She stayed in her room and cried, cried for those three days straight. She didn’t want to get heart broken any more. She never wanted to fall in love again. She never wanted to see Kegan again. She started doing stuff that he never wanted her to do.
First she became bulimia and second she started cutting herself. But no one knew what she was doing. She didn’t tell anybody until he came to her one day and asked her why she was now always mean to him. She told him that she didn’t want to talk to him. She didn’t want to see his face anymore. Then she told him, “Do you want to know what you did to me?!?! DO YOU????!!!!” and she showed him. She showed him all of the cuts all of the tear stains on her face. She told him that that is what he made her do. That is what he made her do when he broke her heart all of those times. When he broke it, it led to unthinkable pain. She wanted it to stop she wanted it to all stop. The her falling in love with him again, the cutting herself, and the making herself cry herself to sleep. She wanted it to stop. And she did what she didn’t want to do; she broke down into tears in front of him. He didn’t know exactly how she felt but he took her close and he held her and he kept whispering in her ear, “It’s alright”, “its ok”, “I’m here”, “I know how it feels”. But she knew that none of that was true. He was just lying to her again. Making her feel that he actually cared when he didn’t.
She thought that it was because he finally got his ‘title’ back and he didn’t want to lose it again. But he was smiling when she broke down. He was smiling when she told him that she cried herself to sleep. He was smiling when she told him that she became bulimia because of him. He was smiling when she told him that she cut herself because of him. When she went home the question that ran through her head was “why? Why was he doing this? Why is he playing with my emotions?” no one knew why but a couple of days later she moved. She moved from Westwood, and she moved to a place called Portville, Washington. No one heard of her again. But if you want to find out what happened to her while she was in Washington, then read the sequel coming soon called:
When the Moonlight Darkens.
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I really liked your story, but here are some things that I think you need to change.
Okay,I'm sorry, but that's really boring. It's like getting in front of a group of people and saying "Well, I'm going to tell you a story" You might want to find another way to start the story.
Also, the way you wrote it is as if your telling us the story and telling us everything thats going on and not letting us figure it out on our own. You don't need to explain that she was feeling guilty or whatever. If your a good writer we will know how she's feeling just by the words you choose. I'm sorry if that's a little too blunt, but that's how I read it.
I don't understand this very well - I can't pick up the romance and no offence, it sounds like a weird version of a childs bedtime story. It was moving way to fast, a romance needs to be a bit slower, as if people got together, it would be something like chapter five, and if they break up, it would be near the end. drag it out a little, okay a lot, and it could be a nice romance.
i really like your style. i dont know why. i must be one of the very few people that also wirte like that in a way. i really liked it it was really good. i'm not sure whats good or bad right now because i'm new, but i kmnow that i really liked yours. Hope you come out with the sequal!!! Good Luck!!!
It's a nice piece because it's real. But the style could use some work. It sounds more like a conversation; something you'd be saying and not writing. I'm not sure how to better word this but I guess what I'm saying is, it could use some organization. You have some sentences that don't belong and it looks like you just tried to fit them in to better explain things but they might work better if you placed them elsewhere. I'll show you what I mean if you let me check it out sometime on paper.
To make it more of a fictional piece, you might want to do some name changing.
Also, the pace is fast. Again, like a conversation tone. If this is to be a story it must be written as a story, especially for this purpose. Elements of great stories always include well defined characters. Your characters have jumped in blindly. You should spend some time developing them before you start on the main story.
Well, I'm sure I'll critique more in the future but I don't want to overload you with details.
Nice start.
Stay sharp,
POKE