Running

Thank you all. Demeter, by the way, I am actually working on a novel. It's going to take me awhile, but I hope to have it published one day.

Hey Juju, This story is quite interesting. It definitely kept me on my toes. The end was unexpected; but I agree with BornToShop.

When you write

my mom woke me up for school

Hey Juju!

So now I'm finally here, as I promised. I made the mistake of skimming the reviews before reading the actual story, so I was accidentally spoiled about the ending. It's funny, though, that as I was reading (knowing how it would end) I saw myself telling you that the ending was very anti-climatic, but when I actually reached the end, I quite liked it. I mean, sure, "It was a dream" endings are a bit cheap, but this story would've been poorer without it.

A general thing to pay attention to is that you use a lot of independent clauses ("My throat was a desert." "I gasped at the pain."). A lot of those in a row creates a choppy, panting atmosphere, which I guess is something you would like to have in a chasing scene, but know your limits.

These very short stories (flash fiction) are great for practice and trying new things, but don't be afraid to expand your ideas and make them "actual" short stories! It's so rewarding to finish writing them.

See you around!


Demeter
x

I once was told by a famous author the thing they hate most is, '..and then I woke up. It was a dream.'. He told me that if you entered a competition with that, they'd just chuck it in the bin. It's sort of a way out when you don't know where to go with your story. I'm not saying you don't, 'cause I get the hint that you have up your sleeve? But. Yeah. It's not something I would do. Good job, though. I'm interested in what's going to happen.

Thanks. I enjoy writing short stories more. It's like a mini movie inside my head that only I can write down. You know what I mean?? plus I can use alot more descriping words in short stories.

Definately your short story. It really grabbed me from the beginning, and you definately have potential writing prose. "Who's At Fault" is also good, and I think you should revise it and make it better, because it also has a lot of potential.

I fixed your two suggestions. I changed then slightly from what you said. Since you have read both, which do you prefer my peoms or my short story??

I love a story with two twists at the end, that's really unique.
Just a few things I would change:

All I could think about was getting away as fast as I could. The white clouds forming by my mouth showed my quick breaths. I could not get in enough air. My throat was a desert. My glasses were slipping from my face. I didn't have enough time to catch them as they tumbled from my face.I don't like the idea of ending two sentences with the word "face". It doesn't sound natural. I would say, "I didn't have enough time to catch them as they tumbled off the tip of my nose.", or something like that. I could hear the thudding footsteps behind me. The mysterious chaser grew closer. I couldn't see without the help of my glasses, so I was blind to my surroundings."so I was blind to my surroundings" is kind of unnecessary, I would delete it. I bumped into a cold, metal rod. The tip of it ripped my palm as I tried steading myself. I gasped at the pain. I know I had to keep moving forward. I heard the squish of wet grass and fresh mud under my feet. The heavy breathing of my pursuer drew near. I had to find some place to hide. As I turned sharply my foot caught something on the ground. I was thrown forward. All the scenrios of my fatal fall rush into my brain. Before my injured hand hit the soggy ground, someone caught me. Hot air raced across my ear. I knew the end was near.
"Bridget," whispered the one voice I could never forget. The deep, sweet voice of my first love, Trinton. He pulled me to my feet. Gently placing my scratched up glasses on my face, he spoke, "I'm sorry if I frightened you. I was just trying to return your jacket. You left it at the party. It is quite chilly out here." His thick british accent made his consideration evenmore profound.
"Thank you," I managed to reply. We hugged for what seemed like hours.
He tilted my head back. Right as our lips touched, my mom woke me up for school.