The treacherous thunder grows louder. The rain beats down on the roof. The wind howls to the moon. It is getting later and later, but I can not sleep. My family has lived in this house for years, but there has never been a storm like this one.I grew up surrounded by the same four bedroom walls. I never felt so scared, even as a little girl. I am sixteen, and I am to wed Aydan Everny tomorrow. I guess that is adding a little to my fear of this storm. To be Mrs. Avaya Everny is all I ever want. Nothing will ruin our special day tomorrow.
I hear a scream down the hall. It came from Intrina's, my sister, room. My whole family is gathering by her door as I walk down the hall. I push through the crowded doorway to get to my mother.
"Momma, what happened?" I asked.
She stands there for a minute looking confused and bewildered. The she says, "Your sister, oh blessed child, has been murdered." I catch a glimpse of her as I am pushed out the door. I see her throat was slit. I also see my father holding his youngest daughter's cold white hand. I do not see his tears, but I can hear his sobs.
There is more to come.....
In the meantime please help me edit it. I think there are some verb tense problems, but help me out. Thanks
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I changed some stuff..... feel free to comment.....
The mother is in shock. The next paragraph, which isn't up yet, the mother passes out. Thanks for the comments!!
This was good. However, the first three sentences of this story were a little..passive I'll say.
And it' s "I've never felt so scared" not "I never felt so scared" in the first paragraph.
Because of the mom's lack of emotion I would think that maybe she had something to do with the murder? Was that the point?
Good luck
What time period is this in?
I was taken back by that line and wondered if this was supposed to be a long time ago when people actually married at sixteen. Now days the only reason you would marry at sixteen is if you were knocked up:(
Parenthesis don't always work in stories. Here's a suggestion: "It came from Intrina's, my sister, room.
This guy's getting married tomorrow and he's calling his mother momma?
Shock perhaps? I could feel the father's emotion, but I'm not feeling much on the mother.
Overall I think this is a great idea and it certainly keeps you interested. I would love to read the next part. Will you PM me? Or would you rather that I just follow you? Keep it up:)