Prologue
Hot breath on the base of my neck sent shivers through every nerve. Time seemes to have stopped.
My life would never had ended this way, but Katrinia loved to meddle with things she shouldn't.
It started weeks ago.
Two weeks before......
"You'll never guess who I just saw!" Katrinia screamed. For such a petite girl, she sure could hollar.
"Let me guess, one of your many crushes?" I know she would ignore my rather mean comment and tell me anyway.
"It was Rai Rai! You remember Randel Cartello, right? Of course you do, how could you forget? He was your first boyfriend, right?"
I chrushed the bottle in my hand, spraying water in every direction. I could feel the heat of anger boiling threw my entire body. Out of all people, Randel Cartello was my least favorite person. I jumped up from the table, making my long brown curls hit the two people next to me. I ran to the bathroom.
I heard someone suck in a quick breath in. I felt a tall person walking toward me, but I was too busy trying not to let my tears spill out to even care. I felt a large hand on my shoulder, then a deep, "Sapphir? Are you okay?"
My head shot up. "What are you doing in the girl's restroom?!"
"Um.. this is the men's room."
In my scurry I most have rushed into the wrong one. I quickly got my purse and trotted out of the restroom as though nothing happened. I collapsed in my desk as soon as I was in Mister Tumaro's room. He taught English; moreover, it was a creative writing class. It was my sanctuary. I felt as light as air whenever I walked in to the room. Everyone thought my writing was spectacular. I could come up with a poem in seconds for anything and write more adjectives about one thing then pretty much anybody.
Writing was my passion. It had been for a while. I started when Randel Cartello had left my life for good, or so I thought.
"Sapphir?" It was the same voice from the bathroom.
"Who are you? I've never seen you at Valley Vail before." I didn't even turn to look at him.
He chuckled. "You don't remember me? That's hard to believe!"
The teenager seemed familar. I got up from my sacred desk and walked up to him. His straight-stylish, brown hair made him look cute, sweet, and kind of innocent. I looked into his eyes. As soon as I did, I knew it was Randel Cartello!
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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hey there Jujubean! The name's Trish, and I'm here to drop of a review on this wonderful day of reviewing! So let's get on with it!
Okay, so the first thing I noticed when beginning to read this was that your names are not actually names. Like, "Katrinia" should be "Katrina" and "Randel" should be "Randall". (Unless they're in a different language, in which case, carry on!) For some guidelines on naming babies (or in this case, characters) I'd take a look at this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9G4V-N6EEvY It's hilarious, and pretty much sums up what people need to watch out for...
I also noticed some typos or grammatical mistakes, so I'll point out the ones that weren't mentioned.
As far as I know, this should be "holler".
Crushed.
Should be "through"
Threw: She threw the bottle. (The past form of the word "Throw")
Through: The wind blew through my jacket. (What you meant to use here)
This doesn't really make sense. Maybe you could change "scurry" to "haste". Make sure you know what the words you use mean.
Maybe change "mister" to "Mr."
This whole part is a bit of an info dump, and you don't want that. Maybe, if you're continuing this, develop this throughout the story by showing us that she likes being in that room, that writing was her passion, don't just tell us, or your writing will be boring. Always remember that age old rule, SHOW don't TELL!
This is just a little detail, but if she doesn't know what he looks like, how can she know that she hasn't seen him before there?
That's all I'm going to nit-pick at, so let's move on to something else.
So, so far you need to work a bit on your character development and description. You tell us a lot but you don't really show us anything. Being a writer is a lot like being an artist, you need to paint all your pictures in your readers' minds. We need to be able to imagine what is going on in your story, or we won't be interested!
As for your plot, you don't really have anything to worry about since this is just the beginning of your story. Just make sure you keep it moving, and that all the events, details, etc. have an actual purpose in your story, don't just put them there for no reason.
I really think that you have a good start here, and I hope that you'll continue it! It's an interesting beginning, and I would definitely like to read more! Keep writing, and I'll keep an eye out for your next part! Good job so far, and I hope that this helps!
Anymore reviews??
Thanks for the review.
-Juliann
Hello there.
Katrinia is a friend of the MC, right? Because I was a little confused when I read this. I thought it was switching from first person POV from third person POV.
The second in is not needed. And how can she feel a tall person walking behind her? Hear would make more sense.
Why are you talking about this? Does it really have a link to the story? If so, then it kind of makes more sense, but if not... It's pretty random. Oh, and if it has a link with the plot, you might want to make that more obvious, or just emphasize that writing was her passion.
Also, is this a novel? I'm quiet confused because I thought this was a short story.
Overall, it was good. Keep writing!
-Other One