Young Writers Society

I definitely like the idea of this, and some parts are very good, but you rush a lot. You choose to show these scenes because they are important, yet you fast-forwarded through the whole thing. Slow down. Show us the details. Pick one character as the POV. Even though it’s 3rd person, you still need to focus on just one. Let us see the world through Paul’s and Claire’s eyes. What do they think of the others? The mess? The smell of the beer? The cool breeze rushing over them? Focus on all of that. All 5 senses.

The end is where it really goes downhill. You summarize everything that happened – that’s not very good. Show us the in-between. Why do we care what happened between these couples – we didn’t see them together. We didn’t invest in them emotionally. We saw them one drunk night, and knew that Paul was funny in high school. Give Paul and Claire more history, and let a story build between the other characters.

And focus on emotions a lot in the end. How would this all feel? Having a son you never see? Being kicked out by your own-again-off-again girlfriend? Losing your love to cancer?

Slow down and focus, and this’ll be great.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

Nice edit

Okay so I'll give you a few quick nit-picks but nothing crazy.

However the coffee shop was all they had, Claire had her friends and Paul had his.

Jumping a month into the future I see XD.

Hey there, it's dreamwalker here with a review as asked! Like always, I started with my nit-picks, then I go into Grammar and Punctuation, Plot, Setting and Descriptions, and my personal favourite, Character Developement.

So lets get started!

Nit-picks

Claire and Paul were best friends. Claire celebrated her 21st birthday in June and Paul would celebrate his in September.

They didn’t see each other as much as they would have liked, Paul studied law and politics and Claire studied art and design across town.

Nevertheless, every so often they made time to meet for coffee and hurl at each other anecdotes and dilemmas, and resolve and advice.

Claire’s lips were peach and when she smiled, her checks lifted and to Paul, her eyes were like half moons.

Paul told jokes and her laugh boomed and for a moment, his face would heat and he could feel the stares of the other coffee drinkers, but his embarrassment was fleeting.

Claire’s lips were peach and when she smiled, her checks lifted and to Paul, her eyes were like half moons. Paul told jokes and her laugh boomed and for a moment, his face would heat and he could feel the stares of the other coffee drinkers, but his embarrassment was fleeting. Claire talked about the state of the world, climate change and the fresh presidential administration. Paul sipped his coffee and muttered commonplace nothings.

On this day as they stepped from the coffee shop, Claire stopped and turned to him.
‘What are you doing tomorrow night?’

he began realising how typical he sounded, ‘Actually I don’t know, whys that?’

‘Tomorrow at five most of my friends are handing in our last assignments and a couple of us will be having a drink, then heading to a club, so if you want to come along?’

‘Maybe just at my flat, I don’t know if anyone from school will be there, my flatmate Jade will be drinking.’ Paul swallowed, he liked Claire and they had grown closer since high school, but her friends act and dress so differently.

Yeah, alright, I’ll give you a text later and get the details sorted

‘All right, no pressure or anything, and who knows, maybe you will meet a girl, most of my friends are single anyway.’

Paul laughed and turned to leave and with a grin he stepped out to cross the road, he turned back.

He threw a hand in pulled it out and flipped it open.

Claire hadn’t yet texted him

Claire laughed and joked with two girlfriends she met at uni.

They took photos, drink mock champagne, and talk about men.

‘You can’t be just friends with guys Claire.’

Fine I’ll tell him he can’t come

‘No get him round, has he got any friends?

It was from Claire, she wanted him to come round, and she suggested he bring friends.

Paul grinned and raised his eyebrows, he was challenging the shy brown haired, lothario

He knew Tim would get drunk quickly, and then he would be happy-go-lucky

‘Won’t be a min mate, just need to do my hair, looking sharp by the way’ Tim calls as he disappears back into his flat.

Claire and her friends continue to drink mock-champagne, the gossip was getting louder.

‘Hey do you think it would be alright if Tama came?’

‘OK, I guess,’ Paul allowed his shoulders to slump, and a grimace to spread, ‘It would just be nice if you asked before you invited him.’

Every few minutes she would check her cell phone, with continual disappointment.

‘Hey your not taking the crate are you?’

‘Oh, these girls are all snobby, they won’t like that, I’ll give you a few of these?’

Tama’s remark left Paul with jaw clenched and eyes on the floor

‘They’re on their way now.’ She called to the other girls from behind the blender.

Paul knocked; Tim put his box of beer at his feet and squeezed his hands into his back pockets, leaning forward; and Tama lifted his crate onto his shoulder and posed in a wides stance.

Paul noticed instantly her peach lips were concealed by red lipstick, and her light hair was tied back, and her clothes were dark and fitted.

‘Oh its alright, we’re just getting started.’

‘ This is Tama and Tim by the way, ’ He turns to the boys, ‘And this is Claire.’

‘Nice to meet you.’ Tim called.

‘Umm Tama would you like a glass?’

Tama and Tim were quiet, and Paul couldn’t find an opening to speak.

Finally Tracy left to go to the bathroom and the others pounced on the opportunity for small talk.

‘I met Timmy through one of my other mates, and my rugby team bet Paul’s’

she bellowed as she clumsily waltzed around the table topping up glasses, before she fell back in her seat.

‘Oh shit I’ll get the cards eh?’

Tama was telling her about rugby and the gym, Tracy continued to drink.

Paul, capped the wine bottle and tossed it up to Claire.

Claire and Paul climber six or more sets of steps.

‘Shall we head back, I should probably check on Tracy.’
‘Yeah sure, what’s the time?’

fantastic feed back. The problems with the tense are common in everything I write. Alot of words and expressions are used only in New Zealand and perhaps don't make sense such as ' my flat mate will be drinking.' This is a fairly common expression. As for the phone being up to Claire's nose, few people call from cell phones in NZ due to the high prices, we instead text, and when someone has had a couple of drinks they seem to move their phone closer to their face. Anyway thanks alot, awesome work, I will iron out the creases and rework plot points and characters.

Claire and Paul were best friends. Claire celebrated her 21st birthday in June and Paul would celebrate his in September. They didn’t see each other as much as they would have liked, Paul studied law and politics and Claire studied art and design across town. Nevertheless, every so often they made time to meet for coffee and hurl at each other anecdotes and dilemmas, and resolve and advice. Claire’s lips were peach and when she smiled, her checks lifted and to Paul, her eyes were like half moons. Paul told jokes and her laugh boomed and for a moment, his face would heat and he could feel the stares of the other coffee drinkers, but his embarrassment was fleeting. Claire talked about the state of the world, climate change and the fresh presidential administration. Paul sipped his coffee and muttered commonplace nothings.

On this day as they stepped from the coffee shop, Claire stopped and turned to him.

‘What are you doing tomorrow night?’

‘Probably drinking with the boys,’ he began realising how typical he sounded, ‘Actually I don’t know, whys that?’

‘Tomorrow at five most of my friends are handing in our last assignments and a couple of us will be having a drink, then heading to a club, so if you want to come along?’

‘Maybe just at my flat, I don’t know if anyone from school will be there, my flatmate Jade will be drinking.’

Paul swallowed, he liked Claire and they had grown closer since high school, but her friends act and dress so differently.

Maybe just at my flat, I don’t know if anyone from school will be there, my flatmate Jade will be drinking.’ Paul swallowed, he liked Claire and they had grown closer since high school, but her friends act and dress so differently.

‘Yeah, alright, I’ll give you a text later and get the details sorted.’

‘All right, no pressure or anything, and who knows, maybe you will meet a girl, most of my friends are single anyway.’

Paul laughed and turned to leave and with a grin he stepped out to cross the road, he turned back.

He threw a hand in pulled it out and flipped it open.

‘No he’s just a friend.’ Claire began somewhat embarrassed.

’You can’t be just friends with guys Claire.’ Jade squawked, with a snide undertone and the other girl laughed despite the emptiness of her words.

Claire blushed.

‘Fine I’ll tell him he can’t come.’

‘No get him round, has he got any friends?’ Tracy added her brand of wanton remark and Jade sniggered. Claire forced a laugh.

Paul grinned and raised his eyebrows, he was challenging the shy brown haired, lothario.

Paul had a shower and threw on his tidiest jeans, dark leather shoes, and an ironed sky-blue shirt with the top two buttons undone. He walked to Tim’s with a box of European beer. It took two knocks and a few seconds for Tim to swing the door open. He was dressed in tight jeans, black leather shoes and a plain white T-shirt with a black waistcoat.

‘Won’t be a min mate, just need to do my hair, looking sharp by the way’ Tim calls as he disappears back into his flat. Paul enters and drops on a couch in the lounge.

He shook Tim and Pauls hands. His polo shirt barely concealed his shoulders and his jeans were long and baggy.

‘Hey your not taking the crate are you?’ Paul enquired sheepishly.

‘Yeah what else?’ Tama replied with a narrow glare and a careless grin.

‘Oh, these girls are all snobby, they won’t like that, I’ll give you a few of these?’

‘Nah mate, I don’t drink that foreign crap.’ Tama’s remark left Paul with jaw clenched and eyes on the floor.

Claire’s phone sounded and in a flash it was up to her nose.

‘Oh its alright, we’re just getting started.’

‘This is Tama and Tim by the way, ’ He turns to the boys, ‘And this is Claire.’

Claire noticed Paul cringe.

‘Lets go to a club?’ Claire called feeling stale.

Claire pulled the hood of her dark woollen cardigan over her head and thought about how shy Paul was with girls at school and an impish grin spread across her face.