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141,457 Literary Works • 674,477 Reviews
I definitely like the idea of this, and some parts are very good, but you rush a lot. You choose to show these scenes because they are important, yet you fast-forwarded through the whole thing. Slow down. Show us the details. Pick one character as the POV. Even though it’s 3rd person, you still need to focus on just one. Let us see the world through Paul’s and Claire’s eyes. What do they think of the others? The mess? The smell of the beer? The cool breeze rushing over them? Focus on all of that. All 5 senses.
The end is where it really goes downhill. You summarize everything that happened – that’s not very good. Show us the in-between. Why do we care what happened between these couples – we didn’t see them together. We didn’t invest in them emotionally. We saw them one drunk night, and knew that Paul was funny in high school. Give Paul and Claire more history, and let a story build between the other characters.
And focus on emotions a lot in the end. How would this all feel? Having a son you never see? Being kicked out by your own-again-off-again girlfriend? Losing your love to cancer?
Slow down and focus, and this’ll be great.
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415
Nice edit
Okay so I'll give you a few quick nit-picks but nothing crazy.
Semicolon would be most wise where the comma is for that is not the proper way of using a comma.
Okay, you know what? I read this through and thoroughly enjoyed the fact that the grammer is now we'll and the plotline in somewhat sounder but you need to see this.
Correct comma usages:
-"Hi," he said.
-"Hi." He turned his back on her.
-He turned his back on her and said, "Hi."
-He turned his back on her. "Hi."
-"I was," He turned towards the other direction, "going to the park."
Next area.
They walked down the hall, hand in hand, as always.
He was always scheming something; His plans consisted of terrible things.
"Let's see eachother again, Gean." -note the comma before 'Gean'.
By the way, is there a place I can stay? - Comma after way? Catching on yet? XD
Also, comma's are used in places like the first line because the part in the middle isn't necessary.
You see, They walked down the hall, hand in hand, as always could easily just be 'They walked down the hall as always'. The 'hand in hand' isn't necessary hence the usage of comma's.
Just stuff like that.
Overall
Not enough changes made to make it sound overly wonderful but enough to boost your story in my eyes. It's better but it could use a lot of tweaking especially in the grammar section. The sentences are also very fragmented which is not very good when it comes to things like stories.
Other then that, good luck!
~The.Dreamwalker
Jumping a month into the future I see XD.
Hey there, it's dreamwalker here with a review as asked! Like always, I started with my nit-picks, then I go into Grammar and Punctuation, Plot, Setting and Descriptions, and my personal favourite, Character Developement.
So lets get started!
Nit-picks
Not the most 'sound' way of opening this up. It sounds like the narrator is a robot. Trying putting in some expressive words for this is just.. well boring. You'll lose your readers interests quickly.
The comma should either be a period of a semicolon. Take your pick XD.
This is very unclear. Hurl at eachother sounds almost like puking at eachother, which is the image I got, and dilemmas should be in front of anecdotes or is sounds silly cause you're talking about relieveing the pain then about the pain itself. It's unclear, so just change the wording around.
This description of her was very randomly thrown in. Lead into these descriptions, like say 'she raised the cup of tea to her peach lips, eyes staring at Paul who always noted the fact that those orbs of hers looked like half-moons.'
This sentence is very run on. You might want to fix that up a bit.
This whole section feels like 'This happened. This happened. This happened.' You're telling us but showing us? Not happening. This feels like positions in a script or screenplay, which might be a better choice then an actually short story because there is no dialogue, just saying 'he had talked about this. She had talked about that.' It's not very entertaining to read.
Finally, some dialogue.
Full stop after 'sounded'. Change the comma to a period.
'If you want to come along' is not a question-like statement. 'Would you like to come along?' would be a question-like statement. You might want to change that. Also comma after 'five'.
You have a tendancy to misuse comma's. The first comma should be a period after 'flat'. There should be a period after 'there' which means you must capitalize 'my'. There should be a period after 'swallowed' and in that 'he' should be capitalized.
I'm sure the proper statement for this is 'send' instead of 'give'. It will make is flow better and makes the dialogue sound a little less static.
Again, you have a misusage of comma's and period's. Add a period after 'anything' where a comma is located. Take the 'and' out and capitalize 'who'. Period after 'girl' and capitalize 'most'. Oh and add an s onto 'anways'. You wanted me to be brutal XD so I'm being brutal XP.
Full stop after 'road'.
Comma after 'in'. Comma after 'out'.
Take 'yet' out and put it at the end of the sentence.
You jumped from Paul's POV to Claires without specifying. To a reader that can be terribly annoying.
Tense jump. 'Took' should be 'take'.
Comma after 'guys'.
Comma after 'fine'.
I don't get the remark, nor have I ever heard it used before. Doesn't sound very flowy, and if I am correct, there should be a comma after 'No'.
Full stop after 'Claire'.
Full stop after 'eyebrows'.
The comma wasn't necessary in this sentence.
Won't be a min mate? I dont really know what thats supposed to mean either but there should be a comma after 'min' if that is even a word.. Also, full stop after hair. Comma after 'way'.
Full stop or semicolon where the comma is.
Comma after 'hey'.
Full stop after 'guess'. Full stop after 'spread'.
No need for the comma.
Comma after 'Hey'. 'Your' should be 'you're' in this case.
Full stop after 'snobby'. Full stop after 'that'. Also, don't but a question mark at the end of a statement. Change the wording to make it a question or replace the questionmark with a period.
Either put an 'a' before 'with' or right 'Paul's' and get rid of the 'with'.
The period should be a comma. No full stop. 'She' should not be capitalized.
Wrong use of a semicolon. Take the 'and' out.
Take the first 'and' out.
Full stop after 'alright'.
Full stop after 'way'.
Comma intead of full stop.
'Umm' should just be 'um'. I know, weird, but even words like that have proper spelling. Also, comma after 'um'.
No comma needed in this bit.
Why did Tracy have to leave for small talk to begin? And comma after 'finally'.
'Bet' should be 'beat'. Also, the comma wasn't needed. Also, comma after 'Paul's'.
No comma needed.
Was this story rated? I can't remember. Comma after 'shit'. Comma after 'cards'.
Full stop or semicolon where the comma is.
No need of a comma.
'Climber' should be 'climbed'.
Question mark instead of comma, and period after 'sure'.
Grammar and Punctuation
You need to work on this section XP. There was very few spelling mistakes but the sentences were way to short and your comma usages made me cringe. You must work on your comma placements, your period placements, some of your sentence structure, and yeah. Just check what I marked above and you'll see what you need to improve. Also, your use of vocabulary is very limited. It's very simple language so try doing something else with it.
Setting and Descriptions
You had a lot of random, unnecessary descriptions added throughout this piece that really weren't needed, as Wooster said before me with the clothing descriptions. The setting descriptions were lacking greatly as was any sort of emotion in your characters. Description is another area you need to work on.
Plot
Okay so this section is going to sound brutal, just so you know before reading. I am warning you.
This was pointless. Were you trying to be sattirical? Create a crappy, unsatisfying ending to a bland, empty storyline? Basically everyone got drunk, they fell asleep, and now their lives suck. Oh and Claire died. I really don't know what you were trying to prove with this piece, and to be frankly honest, everything about it felt shallow to me... sorry for being harsh. I just want you to know the full truth.
Character Developemet
Yet again another place in which you need to work on. You say one thing about your characters and then suddenly change it around. Your characters felt very shallow and it just didn't feel at all real to me. Even your protagonists felt like Mary Sues to me. Give them some sort of personality and make it shine through cause none of these characters even somewhat appealed to me. It just felt like a useless frat party... again sorry for being harsh. Character developement is the area I exceed in.
Overall
There needs to be some serious revising, but it wasn't all the terrible to read. I read it and thought it was interesting enough which mean't I didn't stop reading it. I was just... not exactly excited with the idea and the plot line was terribly non-existent. I have no idea what you were trying to prove so, for that, I am sorry.
You do have potential though, and writing is an art. It takes time and patience to learn so I know you'll give yourself time to learn and grow
Is walking in death
~The.Dreamwalker
P.S. Brutal enough?
fantastic feed back. The problems with the tense are common in everything I write. Alot of words and expressions are used only in New Zealand and perhaps don't make sense such as ' my flat mate will be drinking.' This is a fairly common expression. As for the phone being up to Claire's nose, few people call from cell phones in NZ due to the high prices, we instead text, and when someone has had a couple of drinks they seem to move their phone closer to their face. Anyway thanks alot, awesome work, I will iron out the creases and rework plot points and characters.
This is one big awkward info-dump. Do we need to know all this? If we do, then you could show it just as easily by writing out the information as an actual scene. And the first lines are too obvious and come across as immature. “Claire and Paul were best friends” reads like a line from a child’s reading book. And why do we need to know the exact date of Claire’s birthday and only the month of Paul’s? It’s not necessary.
You could fix this by writing it all out. Instead of starting after one visit, write out that visit, or at least the end of it. That way we get a feel for the characters and are eased into the action without you dropping boring information on our toes like a bag of elephants.
You should have Claire’s action and Claire’s dialogue on the same line.
Rather awkward wording. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say, so I can’t think how to fix it.
She says all this without stopping for breath or a full stop? This is a long list. Unnatural. Have something like, “Me and my friends are handing in our assignments tomorrow and then having some drinks and stuff. Do you want to come along? We might be going to a club or something afterwards.”
The bolded bit is amazingly stiff. “Will be drinking”? It sounds as though English isn’t your first language.
You should start a new sentence after “Paul swallowed”. You also switch tenses: “her friends act and dress” should be “her friends acted and dressed…”
It took me a while to sort out who was speaking here. You should move Paul’s action and thought onto another line with his dialogue (“Yeah, alright…”) to avoid confusion. Also, “alright” should be two words, “all right”.
IS English your first language? This really sounds wrong. It’s all a long, stiff, choppy list. Make it something like, “Paul smiled and turned to leave, calling back, ‘I’ll text you later.’” It runs more smoothly like that, see? You don’t have all the unnecessary details bogging it down.
You’re missing commas here. Make it something like, “He pulled it out and flipped it open.”
You’re missing commas. This should be, “ ‘No, he’s just a friend,’ Claire began, somewhat embarrassed.”
Why is she hanging around with these people if she doesn’t like the way they act? You’re trying too hard with these girls. You want them to seem sluttish but they’re exaggerated. Be more subtle, take out the stiff description: “her brand of wanton remark” “with a snide undertone” “despite the emptiness of her words.”
A shy Lothario seems a contradiction. Take out the blurb about his hair colour, it’s not important.
BLURB. There’s so much detail here that the whole paragraph falls flat. It’s a list, and lists are boring.
Why have you suddenly switched from past to present tense?
Forgot the apostrophe on “Pauls hands”. Should be “Paul’s hands”. And how can his shirt barely cover his shoulders? It’s girls’ shirts that have wide necks.
Sheepishly makes it seem as though he’s embarrassed about something that he’s done himself. Find another word or leave it blank.
Too much blurb. And he’s grinning and glaring at the same time? Try and think what it actually looks like. A narrow grin sounds weird, and combined with a careless grin, Tim must be looking really weird right now.
Why is there a question mark here?
Blurb. Stiff, too many details, too many superfluous actions.
Since when do people speak through their noses?
Wrong “its”, should be “it’s”.
Tense switch again.
Why is he cringing?
What the fluff? Stale is how you can tell cakes and biscuits apart. Cakes go hard, biscuits go soft. Having never been a half-drunk person, I’m a little vague on the subject, but I’d be prepared to bet that they don’t feel like an old loaf of bread.
----
That probably sounded really, really mean, and I'm sorry but this does need work. You're missing punctuation, your dialogue and description are stiff and unnatural, your characters are boring and the actual story doesn't do anything.
What you should do is read. Read and read and read and read and read. You can't write stories if you don't read stories. If you read how other people have done it, how they've made it work, then you learn for yourself how it all works and it eventaully becomes automatic. Things like description -- sometimes you did it perfectly:
The description of her cardigan is put in easily and quietly. We barely notice it but we take it in.
However, at other times like when Paul is getting dressed and you go into reams of detail about his clothes -- that's pointless fluff.
As for the story, there wasn't much to it. No twists, nothing that left me thinking thoughtful thoughts. Several thousand words describing a party and then a paragraph or two talking about how unhappy everyone was a few years later. No point to it.
I have to go now, but do PM me if you have any questions.