Young Writers Society

My biggest question is, why should readers care about this Christopher kid? There's nothing in here that makes me want to sympathize with him. He's a flat character, and there's really nothing I can identify with with him. You need to add more character description. What does he look like? What's his personality like? Now, I know that this is just the prologue, so we don't need to know everything about him, but some more description would be nice, just so we can emphasize with him.

I would also recommend switching the tense, for the reasons that the people above me already stated.

Okay, very confusing near the end.

Unlike asxz, (And one more thing: Why would the captor just leave him there? You have some questions to answer!), I feel like a prologue is supposed to make you ask questions. Not overwhelming questions, just a few to start out with. I also learned from my writing teacher that a large percent of people do not even read prologues. So, do not add anything too important to the story. Just enough so that the people who read the prologues will have some questions to answer.

Well wrote, except for some of the things the members above me said.
PS. Loved the first chapter!

This is just my opinion, but I think you should change to past tense. We speak in past tense and past tense reads easier and smoother and often makes more sense. Feel free to ignore this comment, but stories written in present tense always annoy me because it makes them seem awkward and choppily written. But that's a pet peeve of mine. Overall, I thought you wrote nicely and have a good story going here- just watch that you don't get run-on sentences.

Hi! I'm going to start with this was interesting. You were very detailed, and that's good because I'm tired and can't be bothered to imagine. But I didn't have to, since you've described it all. Wonderful!
Just a couple of general points, that I might point out below but might not. Who knows? Firstly: your phrasing and punctuation is quite off all the way through. I'll point out most of them and suggest how to improve, but just read through a few times, looking at the sentence structure analytically and ask yourself, How could I make this easier to read and understand? Because it was hard to read, since I was trying to work out what you meant and improve it as I went along (but I do this with novels as well, so don't worry! it's probably just me lol). Secondly, towards the end you flip between the captive and the captor. I found it confusing, so maybe consider ways to make it clearer?

I'm now going to be nitpicky...

Christopher Jarvis often wondered how he would die and now he knows. In the boot of his mothers car he is bound and gagged and would soon be murdered and there was nothing he could do.

Sprayed with rust, and now, with chains laced around the wheels, the short red hatchback races along an icy stretch of road somewhere between Arthur’s Range and Cularc City. Desperate he tenses hard and kicks the roof of the boot with his heels, he does it again and again and again and his legs hurt but he keeps kicking. The driver turns the dial on the radio and whistles loud along with the late night muzak.

After a few moments the car slows to a halt, a door opens, a chain rings and a gate swings ajar, the door closes and the car moves forward.

His wrists sear against the cable ties and his ankles rub and burn.

The car purrs to a halt then silence.

His neck is squeezed and his belt becomes tight and he is lifted and dropped, this time it is harder and is accompanied with the unmistakable thud of wood. The door creaks sharply into a slam and the crushing footsteps recede into silence.

Hi JoshuaPaul! I noticed that you commented on one of my chapters, so I'm here to return the favor! Just a quick side note though, GO NEW ZEALANDERS! (The computer's dictionary doesn't even count that as a word... lol) But yeah, there are quite a few of us here on YWS, so hopefully we shall take over one day!

Okay, so back to the reason that I am here! Nit-picks first:

Christopher Jarvis often wondered how he would die and now he knows. In the boot of his mothers car he is bound and gagged and would soon be murdered and there was nothing he could do.

Christopher Jarvis often wondered how he would die; and now he knows.

Christopher Jarvis often wondered how he would die; and now he knows. In the boot of his mothers car, he is bound and gagged and would will soon be murdered and there was is nothing he could can do.

Sprayed with rust, and now, with chains laced around the wheels, the short red hatchback races along an icy stretch of road somewhere between Arthur’s Range and Cularc City. Desperate, he tenses hard and kicks the roof of the boot with his heels,. He he does it again and again and again and until his legs hurt, but he keeps on kicking. The driver turns the dial on the radio and whistles loud along with the late night muzak.

A door opens. Foot steps crush towards the trunk. The trunk (You shouldn't have the word 'trunk' written twice) pops and Christopher shakes and writhes and a great leather hand closes around the back of his neck, and another picks him by his belt. For a moment he is in the air then dropped onto the hard snow. The writhing becomes violent. He kicks hard and his screams are muted. He squirms and spins until a cold boot presses into his back and he becomes still. He cries and begs his captor. The rope entwined around his feet tightens and he begins to slide.

The rope entwined around his feet tightens and he begins to slide.

Over snow a man tows a body leaving a smooth trail that will be covered soon by the next dump of snow. His grip is tight and he feels warm.

For five minutes snow collects beneath Christopher’s jacket. His feet drop. A key scratches into a lock, and a door creaks open. His neck is squeezed and his belt becomes tight and he is lifted and dropped, this time it is harder and is accompanied with the unmistakable thud of wood. The door creaks sharply into a slam and the crushing footsteps recede into silence.

The car ignites and whistling sounds again. He eyes himself in the rear-view mirror and his pale lips stretch into a smile. Loose ends are tied and his job is almost done. Speeding along the Burwood highway his hands grip the wheel tight in excitement as he plots just one more project to be carried out tonight.

Hi Joshuapaul...

I'm going to read the first chapter straight away so I promise to give you my comments on that as well...

The tense worries me...he "wondered" but now he "knows"...stick to the past tense...it's a lot easier to write in and allows the narrative voice to be more omniscient...

Perhaps have a look at this and give it a rejig...I know the whole thing, bar that first "mistake" is written in the present tense but I don't think it allows the piece to flow as well as it could. Otherwise I like your style although I'm quite confused as to where you are going with this but hopefully time, and more excerpts, will tell!

No that's fine I asked for a brutal critique. The story is aimed at early teens so there is little else that can be said here all I want the reader to know is a boy is kidnapped, the driver is driving his mothers car, and he is taken to a cabin, essentially this is a prologue and I should have titled it as such. It is important to the story as it ties it together when I eventually get to the end. You may be right but it is difficult - for me anyway - to write in a way that appeals to a young audience and still maintain the appeal, I chose to dive into action rather then setting a story because when I was young the books I prefered and still read now and again today apply this approach. Perhaps quote the text to clarify your critique?

I'm not usually this brutal, but I have no idea what's going on are why I should care. I'd rather know what this story was going to be about straight from the go rather than wonder "why should I read this?" You described a crime scene, but there are thousands of action books with identical crime scenes as these. You need to tell the reader why they should care about your book and what makes it special, and as early as possible, I think.