Published May 16, 2010
the cat smelled horrible. he walked in the street and killed every one near him with his smell. the earth commited suicide when he stepped by the floor. he saw a kfc shop he walked in. every one had ran away. he met a carrot with bad breath. the carrot smiled at the cat. the cat smiled back. then a whale fell on the carrot. so the cat walked home sulking and in pain. then a new ps3 appeared in front of. he ws eager to play it but then the ps3 broke on purpose because of his horrid smell. the smelly cat crashed a wedding. the wedding was cancelled due to bad smell. the cat still smiled. then he got run over.
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141,438 Literary Works • 674,416 Reviews
Hiya Jorge, KD here again!
Wow. That's extreme. Make sure to spell check! And Jorge, if you just capitalize, your pieces would be so much better! When you don't capitalize, it makes it seem like you don't really put in effort into your work, and you don't really care about it. That's how reviewers may treat your work if they think you're not taking this seriously.In this piece, I think you earn a gold medal for creativity, lol, because of this sentence!
I agree with Phoenix; it seems like your stories could work as children's stories, but they need to be more realistic. At least a little bit more realistic. Again, as Phoenix mentioned, it would be really cool if you could put a real moral into your stories, which would give them more of a plot, which your stories are missing.
Hope I helped, and good luck!
~KD
Hey again!
I entirely agree with Elinor on this one. I've seen your stories on here and they are funny but you really need to a) maybe think about it more b) USE PUNCTUATION and c) pay attention to the adivce you receive.
Again, you stories are funny, but they're fast and random. That also adds to the fact that you have only been posting stories and not in turn been reviewing others work.
Sorry if I came off as rude, I didn't mean to be so.
Good luck!
- Irish
Hiya.
Jorge, having followed the stories that you have posted since you first joined, I'm astonished by the little thought and consideration that you've put into your works. In all the stories that you have posted, you've gotten some really good advice that I'm surprised you aren't following-especially since you said that I helped you on that one critique of your story.
The same problems are popping up again and again in your stories-lack of capitalization, proper punctuation, spelling, and coherency. If you want to become a better writer, I recommend that you do a few things. First, go back to all the stories that you've posted here on YWS and read over the critiques that you've gotten. Pay attention to what exactly they're telling you, what issues reoccur, etc. That way, you'll be informed about the things you do well and the things you should work on when you decide to write a new story! I can tell that these were quickies; slow down a bit more. Really immerse yourself in the fun, abstract character that you're writing about, craft it, plan it out. If you do so, your result will be presentable, hilarious, and coherent, rather then messy, random, and sloppy.
Good luck with writing, and PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor xo
Phoenix lands for a review.
Really all I have to say is grammar. I mean I'm by no means an expert but what I omit I honestly don't see. This doesn't even look like you tried. No capitalization is a big no no. I mean not a single sentence starts with capitalization.
Because of the simple sentence structure I would say this would be a children's book. The kind with one sentence on a page and a bright picture to look at. That being said a few of your word choices do not fit. Such as sulking.
Also do not name drop. KFC and PS3 should not appear in your work. It makes it seem like the author is trying too hard to remain current and eventually the statement will be out of date.
Overall I think it's a nice random children's story. Although if it were a children's story it would have to have a message, which this does not.
Phoenix flies away.
One word - FUNNY.