the fart was running and then fell. the fart smiled then people died. the fart took girls on dates and acidently squashed them. the fart would look at you and then you would dissapear. ugly was pronounced beutiful compared to the fart. the fart cried when he saw his facial acne. the fart had lots of freinds but they fainted after they saw him in person. the fart would have smelly shoes. then the smelly shoes would hide when they saw him. then the fart killed him self
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there,
I have never read any of your other work, so I read your first review and saw that this was suppose to be a childs book(maybe). Whew. That explains why it is so short, but it still doesn't make much sense I know I maybe redundant because the reviewer above has stated everything there is to say, but I also wanted to get you involved in reviewing other's work. Maybe if you read some of the other work you can get a feel for some of the grammar rules and such. When you have to correct something you have to know what you're talking about, so in a way it teaches you at the same time.
So get to reviewing and keep up the good effort.
Tiffany
please PM if you need any help
Hi, Jorge!
I've seen you made some attempts to improve your spelling and grammar, and that's good. However, you could still do a lot better. One major rule you're missing out on is capitalization. In school, you learn to capitalize I when referring to yourself, proper names, and the beginning word of each sentence. I'm not quite sure if you're leaving this out intentionally or if you haven't learned about capitalization yet. If you don't know capitalize on the computer, just hit shift > and then the letter. If you have any further questions regarding capitalization, just PM me.
Secondly, the one word you do misspell, friend, can be a tricky one. Think of it this way. Friend has six letters. If you split it in half, you have Fri (an abbreviation for Friday) and End. Friday is at the end of the week, when you hang out with your friends. It's a cool trick I learned in second grade-I hope it helps you.
Another little thing that you should try to watch is your sentence structure. Out of the ten sentences in the story, ten start with 'the fart'. Two start with 'then', and only one starts with an entirely different word-'ugly'. If it helps, whenever you finish writing a story, highlight the first word of each sentence and read only those sentence beginnings aloud. If they sound the same, you have a problem and should try to revise. As a start, maybe you can replace a few instances where you use, 'the fart' with he?
Like the other stories that you've written, this doesn't have a single bit of coherence. I already linked you to the winning entries of the children's story contest in a previous review I did-if you haven't checked those out, I recommend you do. If you have, read through them again! Children's stories should have some kind of obvious moral to them, with a light story and memorable characters. I was trying to imagine this as an illustrated book, and I just...couldn't. I didn't see any of that. He just had a miserable life, and he died. So? It's kind of depressing, but what are we supposed to learn? Are we supposed to laugh at him getting mistreated? It felt a little unfocused that way, like you didn't know it was about.
As I said before, I admire your effort to improve. Children's stories are hard ground to dabble in, but just keep on practicing, and I know you'll get a lot better within a few months time. PM me if you have questions.
-Elinor xo