The night grew dim and my heart became heavy.
It beat against my chest trying to escape my wounded soul.
One, two, three times too many did the metallic, invisible blade slash into the realm of my being.
My existense was fading and my purpose for life was lost. But now I knew.
As my closed eyes opened, they found the Angel called Death, anxiously waiting.
The horror that overwhelmed me quickly subsided when I seen something different.
I seen the one in my mind; the one that knew me better than I knew myself.
He had the code to my soul, and he was waiting for me.
He nodded his head and smiled at me,
welcoming me with open arms to a new beginning.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Poems and death go as far back as religion, where, before written language was a common form of communication, people told stories in poem-format to make it easier to remember. That way, once you had it memorized, you could go on and tell it to others, and so on. Rhythm and rhyme helped make it easy to remember. And because there are several stories and myths dealing in death for many of the ancient religions, a poem about death is absolutely nothing new. Neither is writing from the perspective of a dying soul. You do manage, nonetheless, to avoid being cheesy and lame.
You don't need to put an entire sentence in one line. Most poems actually have it where a sentence might end in the middle of a line, or may break into a new line in the middle of a sentence. It's not that commons to see each sentence given its own line. If it was your intention to have it so, though, then you're more than welcome to do it however you want.
A good poem. Its a nice thing that you have tried to tell what is the experience Death has on a person. Congrats on writing a poem on a new topic:)
Hello there!
Not a bad start to a poem -- I would recommend differentiating prose from poetry by using a different voice for poetry. Here, if you kill the enjambment, it feels a bit like you're telling us a story. I want you to tell this to us poetically. Give it to us in a new way where we feel as if we were there, and we understand.
Personificate death, too; here, it feels like death is a lifeless thing coming to make more things lifeless but it somehow does this without any sort of life. Which... would make sense, but, not in the literal sense, you know?
Hope that helped some,
June
I definitley do have the time =]. I'll check it out.
Well, everyone has their views about life.
Anyway, do you have time? Care to comment on my work?
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The new beginning is life after death. Some believe different. It was a moment of boredom when I wrote it.
And the new beginning is death? Well, if it is, I can't say I understand it but well, to each his/her own.