First, there was a faint trace of lemon in the air. Then, she opened her eyes. A bright light stared back. But not a blinding light. This was a literal light that she felt in every nerve of her body. It was beautiful, and it sang in a different language. No, not a human language. This was closer to what a bird would sing, but without the pointed chirps. It was a voice that wavered so gossamer-like it seemed to die on every passing wind. And she was being rocked from side to side in a controlled, leisurely way, like a hammock ignorant to gravity.
Her first thought was of death. She had died and this was heaven. Her family would be – wait. Who was her family? Her mind swirled as she attempted to grasp her thoughts. Calm, she told herself. Be Calm. She attempted a mental overview of her life… nothing. A fragment of darkness and a cruel arctic wind that pierced through her bones – that was all that came. Who she was she had no idea. Where she came from was less than a blur. But she knew it had to be somewhere in brain. Tucked away in her deep self-conscious were her memories locked away by some possible head injury. She could figure all this out, but not who she was. It was strange how the mind worked.
By some previous psychological training, she took deep breaths and forced herself to stay calm. She analyzed her priorities. At the top of the list was her current situation. Slowly, she held her throbbing head and sat up. What she saw trumped all attempts to control her nerves.
She was next to a small lake created by a waterfall. Surrounding the lake was a forest. Nothing strange about this. But the strange part was indescribable. She was in a different dimension, this she could simply feel. The air was so clear and free of particles that she felt as if she’d been wearing a mask all her life and was just now removing it. The singing she heard had no specific origin, but came from everywhere. She somehow realized that it was all aspects of nature fitting so perfectly together they created a harmonized song. This was actual perfection. Somehow, she’d ended up in a literally untarnished dimension.
***
Don't ask me what this is about, because I couldn't tell you. I love fantasy, so I guess it's just some random fantasy world I decided to make up. I was really bored and tried to write with writer's block, and this is what I came up with.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh well this is intriguing. I'm loving the very simply description here. Its so simple and it feels almost dreamlike with quite how simple and how relaxing this one manages to be, but at the same time as it manages to ring true in this manner the fact that this is strange new language that seems to have some sort of influence over this person is making for a bit of extra mystery here and I love that.
Well the fear factor is already ramping up here and we've hardly gotten anywhere. I love how suddenly that just creeps up. This person really is just sitting there calmy trying to take in their surroundings and soak into everything and the moment she tries to gather her thoughts for a moment it suddenly reveals to us that something bad has happened to her that's preventing her from remembering anything and its a beautiful combination of calming and terrifying here.
Well that's an interesting point to end it. You can see how this sort of place could be mistaken for heaven or some sort of paradise but the way that its clearly managing to cause a pretty decent amount of distress to this person too just adds up in a pretty intriguing pattern to the whole thing to leave us quite curious about what this world is and why this person seems to have been brought here with no explanations or anything really. A lovely place to start a story honestly even if it seems you haven't quite intended it to be one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there! OynxFire ready to review. (:
Now, I'll start with your first paragraph. I read through it and frankly, I was amazed at the description you used to to describe that light. Bravo. If that was the first paragraph to a book I was checking out, I would pick it up no questions asked. I absolutely adore description like that and it is definitely your strong point.
Now, on to the second paragraph. It caught my interest, as well. Your character doesn't remember anything, yet she stays calm. Very interesting in my opinion. I like how she is so calm and cool about everything. She doesn't ever get too excited or anything.
Now for the last parts. Again, description was very good, though not as good as it was in that first paragraph.
Not too much more to say, except that I do agree with Rosey. Your main character is pretty contradictory pretty much for the same reasons she stated. I won't repeat what she's already said, I'm just agreeing.
I enjoyed reading this piece and I would be ready to read more of your work very soon. (:
This all flows so nicely, its obvious your very talented. There was only one grammer error I could find and even though we have no idea wht this about it somehow makes sense. My only issue is that you use the word light to much in the first paragraph. Other than that great job!
Hey there
. I'm The.Dreamwalker, here to review your piece of work.
Okay, so, since this piece was a little bit confusing I couldn't go into my regular scheme of things so instead I will just give you some pointers and the do's and dont's.
What I absolutely loved about this piece was the airy tone to it and the very imaginative way of describing how your said character felt. It was interesting and immaculately thought out and for that I give you props.
What I would have liked to see in this idea is more understanding of what this place was. More of a logical outlook on her own emotions, not just the description of everything around her. The world seems interesting but she seems so unaffected by the change in everything which makes me a little confused and curious. You could have gone of that confusion.
I think, if you added a little more logical aspects to the already airy, heavenly tone of this fantasy bit by giving it a plot then it might be something of interest. Right now, it seems to be a bit of a drabble; pretty drabble but drabble nonetheless. Give us a reason why she was suddenly there, maybe. This could have so many opportunites for a short story so go with it.
Is Walking in Death
~The.Dreamwalker
Hi, Jojo! It's me again. I spotted this little piece and figured I'd give you another review. First off, the nitpicks.
This is too repetitive and doesn't read very well. You've basically just said... There was an object. A SHINY object. And there was a girl. A PRETTY girl. It feels like you've just written something unnecessary, because you go straight on to a contradiction both times. Take one of them out, because the tone's far too patronising with two of these little sentences in there. You sound like you're addressing a four year old.
I think that's a contradiction. "Controlled" is almost an anatonym for "leisurely", since "controlled" is uptight and strict and "leisurely" is relaxed and comfortable. You see what I mean? I can see where you're coming from, but take out "controlled".
I just didn't get this simile. Does gravity usually stop hammocks from rocking? I'm confused as to what you mean.
She what? This reads like a command you'd give a computer. The phrase "a mental overview" is very complex for something quite simple. How about this? She scanned her thoughts for memories of life... nothing. That's a little less complicated, wouldn't you say?
in her brain.
Replace self-conscious, which is an adjective meaning embarrassed, with "consciousness", which is a noun meaning "mind".
I'm sorry, but this is lost on me. I cannot believe that your MC would simply wake up and go, "A different dimension! Wow!" I don't think anyone would just jump to that conclusion. If you want your MC to have a faint idea of where they are, I think they can make a guess at "somewhere else", for example.
I love the description at the end, though. This isn't a bad little beginning, so keep going with it. The most glaring issue is just that jump to "another dimension" at the end, but that's easily sorted if you think it needs sorting. Keep writing.
Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer today.
I liked the more organic style of this. It flowed very nicely and you had some lovely descriptions.
My only real complaint is about your MC. She's contradicting herself by not knowing who she is, yet using a rather detailed background to keep calm. If her reactions were more instinct, then it would be better. We'd wonder how she acquired those skills and if there's a twist in her past we didn't know about. But, because she's switching between lost/confused and smart, it's a bit jarring.
PM me with questions!
~Rosey