A shaky voice came over the intercom in my chambers. “Darth Equinox, we will be dropping out of hyperspace in one minute, my lord.” Ah, finally. It had been far too long since I had set foot on Dromund Kaas. Not that I had missed the constant rainstorms and lightning, but being in the capital of the Sith Empire brought back many memories.
A sudden shutter and the ship lurched, throwing me out of my chair and onto the cold durasteel floor of my Harrower-class Dreadnought. I rose to my feet quickly, furious. I pounded the comm button on my desk. “This is Darth Equinox. Status Report! Now!”
“My Lord, it appears as if we have been pulled out of hyperspace,” Captain Olyier replied. “I have brought the ship to a stop and we await your orders.”
I could feel a vein pulsating in my head. “I will be right there.” I strapped on my armor and made my way to the bridge. As I left I began to feel weird. Weaker. Isolated. I couldn’t put my finger on what I was feeling, but it only added to my frustration.
The deck was chaos. Crew members were scrambling around from station to station. I arrived at the bridge rather quickly, as my office is down an adjacent corridor. The doors slid open and I stepped into the massive control room.
Captain Olyier greeted me as I approached. “My Lord. It appears we had a slight problem with our hyperdrive. Engineering teams are on it as we speak.”
My jaw clenched. The feeling of isolation and weakness did not seem to fade. “Send a message to Imperial Command. Tell them we will be delayed,” I ordered. Captain Olyier nodded to a crew member and she rushed off to carry out my order. “My ship has never had any problems before Captain. Who is responsible for this failure?”
“Unknown, my lord. If you wish, I can order a full investigation once repairs are complete,” Captain Olyier replied.
The crewmember who was sent to contact Imperial Command interrupted our conversation. “Sir, I am unable to reach Imperial Command.”
I turned to face the officer. “What do you mean, unable? Are you incompetent lieutenant?”
The lieutenant turned white. “No, my lord! I tried all frequencies. All were just static, my lord.”
I scrunched my eyebrows together. “Captain. Where were we when the hyperdrive failed?”
“Nearest planet was Kessel, my lord,” Captain Olyier answered. His eyes lit up as he realized the implications of what he had just said.
“And how close were we to The Maw, Captain?” I asked. Captain Olyier’s face went white and he turned to his helmsman.
“Where are we?!” he shouted. The helmsman scrabbled around on his monitor before he too turned white.
“Nowhere, sir. I am unable to get a reading from the astrogation charts. All the telemetry is messed up. The stars are not where they are supposed to be, sir.”
I could feel more and more anger building up in me. “Do you mean to tell me, Captain, that we may or may not have just tried to pass through a black hole at hyper speed?”
“It should not be possible, my lord!” Captain Olyier yelped. “The nav computer should have steered us clear! There is no way we should have even...” He tried to continue but I had heard enough. Force Lightning shot from my fingers and made the Captain scream in agony. He fell to the ground, writhing in pain.
“Silence, Captain. We will discuss this later. Set a course for the nearest solar system. Keep trying to make contact with Imperial Command and try to figure out where we are. Do not fail me. Lieutenant Marya, contact my apprentices and tell them to meet me in my champers.”
With that, I left the bridge and returned to my office. I grabbed my lightsaber from its stand in the corner and attached it to my belt. Somehow, I felt as if I might need it soon.
Author's Note: I am thinking about adding a second cast of characters from a different universe in here. I would love if anyone has suggestions about which universe they would like to see. Thank you!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
This is a great story with plenty of new characters and I really like it. There aren't any typos which is fantastic and you made the characters have cool personalities. I do have one suggestion: You might want to give the characters a little more backstory or sometimes we might get a little lost.
This story is great and please keep writing!!
@rebelpilot
Hi Jimss! Danni here for a review!
I hate Star Wars, but this looks cool anyway.
I can't find any grammatical errors, so well done you. I like the way you don't use 'said' all the time. Keep up the good work.
We do need more description: who is Darth Equinox? Where are they going? Why are they going there?
Love the lightsaber bit at the end. Adds suspense.
Like Elinor, I think he needs to have more feelings in the blasting Captain Olyier bit. Is he angry? Disappointed? Relieved? Upset? There are a million things he could be thinking, and nearly all of them could make your story even better.
Sorry if my review was a bit harsh. I can't wait to find out what happens next!
Best wishes and good luck,
Danni x
Hey, Jims!
Ellie here to give you a review. First and foremost, a couple of questions. I'm a big fan of all of the Star Wars movies, but I don't know any of the expanded universe. Are these your own original characters, or ones from the lore that you've decided to write about? And is this a complete story or something you are planning on continuing? I'm going to assume the latter, since this is posted in Novel/Chapter, but there are no chapter breaks, so I was just wondering. Regardless, I'm going to try and review this the best I can.
I'm a sucker for any Star Wars that you throw at me, but this left me wanting more. It's well written, but nothing really happens. We don't get an insight into who these characters are or what the situation is. Maybe there's something that's not clear to me, but change the names and this could easily be a "Day in the Life" short story about Vader/Tarkin et all. We're in Equinox's thoughts, but there's no internal monologue, no reflections on the situation at hand. For instance, take this:
This should be a huge moment, but it doesn't seem to affect him at all. Later, why does he feel he needs his lightsaber? What does he sense? We know they nearly dodged a black hole, but not why, not where they're going, what the stakes are. But this is short, so you have plenty of room for expansion.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions.
@ChieRynn @rebelpilot