Published December 23, 2017
Mission Beginning
Chrys and Shujaa, two superpowered individuals, have been sent to investigate a possible lab that creates more of these superhumans. Chrys is the captain of the police unit of superpowered officers and Shujaa is a private contractor hired by the police due to his powers.
Author's note: I am not sure the dialouge works like I want it to. Any help in that department would be greatly appricated.
(Scene opens with a look at the warehouse. Changes to view Chrys and Shujaa from a vantage point above the warehouse. They are in full tactical gear. Chrys is looking at the warehouse through binoculars.)
Shujaa: Well, this is exciting. When you called me, I thought you had something interesting for me.
(Chrys’ eyes don’t move from the binoculars.)
Chrys: I was ordered to. Trust me, you’re not my first choice for this mission.
Shujaa: Now that’s just cold. Still, this is boring as hell. We’ve been sitting here for an hour at least.
Chrys: You’re not exactly doing charity work here. Last time I checked, we are paying you for this.
Shujaa: Yea. You’re paying me to kill people. Not to do a stake out.
Chrys: We can debate the finer points of your employment later. We move as soon as we get the all clear.
Shujaa: Finally
(Chrys activates her mind-com and contacts headquarters.)
Chrys: Command, the warehouse is not abandoned.
(Camera changes to give a view through the binoculars. In the holographic display, we see three men standing outside a door, smoking a cigarette.)
Chrys: (over mind comms) I count three by the door…
(Camera changes to another man on top of the roof. He is walking back and forth on a catwalk. He is carrying a rifle. After a beat, camera changes back to Chrys and Shujaa. The camera is behind them, showing the back of Chrys as she lowers the binoculars. Shujaa is loading his own rifle and then holsters his handgun and knife.)
Chrys: (Still on mind comm) We have another on the roof. He is armed. Requesting additional reinforcements.
Shujaa: What’s the situation?
(Chrys turns around and prepares her weapons. She has a handgun and rifle that looks like a smaller version of her railgun.)
Chrys: Several hostiles. One is armed.
Shujaa: Looks like we got the short straw on this one.
Chrys: Since when have you considered getting to kill people the short straw?
Shujaa: Touché.
Chrys: We move on my mark, got it? Don’t go in there shooting the place up like some kind of old American cowboy.
Shujaa: But of course. Wouldn’t want to mess up your carefully planned and probably expensive plan. I could storm the place and wrap this up on my own. But no, you have to do this by the book.
(Chrys finishes loading her gear and looks at Shujaa)
Chrys: We are not going on an unsanctioned rampage. We need to make this official and on record if we have any chance of prosecuting those involved. The government doesn’t look kindly on wild vigilantism. Having you here is already a violation of half a dozen codes.
Shujaa: Music to my ears. Now, let’s get on with this.
Chrys: Command, we are beginning the operation.
(Camera quickly cuts to Terrell in a computer room surrounded by many computers all getting image feeds of each operation. We can see the other teams moving in on their locations.)
Terrell: You are good to go, Captain.
(Camera cuts back to Chrys. Chrys nods at the order. Shujaa motions to the warehouse. They dismount from the vantage point and quietly and quickly make their way to the warehouse. Chrys motions to Shujaa to break off and move around from another angle. Chrys moves to cover and aims her rifle at the three men standing outside. The camera moves to the three men.)
Man 1: You see that game last night? I’m telling you, the national team is…(Man is stopped mid-sentence as he is hit by a shot from Chrys. He drops instantly.)
Man 2: What the…
(He is also cut off by another shot. The third man is hit right afterwards with no time to speak. Camera moves back to Chrys, this time from behind her as she looks at her work. A sudden *smack* on the pavement attracts her attention. She moves to the location to see the man on the roof has fallen off and hit the ground. Shujaa is standing over him.)
Shujaa: Well, that takes care of that. Shall we continue?
(Chrys looks irritated and annoyed, but stays professional.)
Chrys: Let’s go.
(They move to the door that the men had been standing near. They take positions on either side of the door. Shujaa nods to Chrys. She charges electricity in her hand and touches it to the door. As soon as she does, the door is blasted in. Shujaa and Chrys enter the building. There are scientists working over tanks with people inside them. There are also medical tables spread out over the warehouse floor. Plastic, see though shades cover some of the medical beds and there are more people strapped to the chairs. Chrys and Shujaa move in with their guns pointed at the scientists.)
Chrys: Police! No one move!
(Shujaa moves over to the tanks and starts corralling the scientists together.)
Shujaa: (Deadpan) Let’s go. Down on your knees, hand above your head or I start shooting. No one try anything funny. I have an itchy trigger finger and I could *accidently* kill all of you.
(The scientists do as they are told. Shujaa keeps his weapons trained on them as Chrys moves around the warehouse inspecting the facility.)
Chrys: Shujaa, I count four incomplete Cygens.
(Shujaa turns to the scientists. He points to one of the scientists.)
Shujaa: You. Up. Now.
(The scientist hesitates, looking around for help. Shujaa fires his rifle at the ground.)
Shujaa(Cont.): Did I stutter?
(The scientist stands up quickly.)
Shujaa(Cont.): How many Cygens did you produce?
Scientists: F…Fi…Five.
Shujaa: Where is the last one?
(The scientist shakes his head.)
Scientist: I don’t know! Please, you have to trust me!
(Shujaa’s face turns dark.)
Shujaa: Wrong answer.
(He aims his rifle at the scientist. There is a look of fear in the scientist’s eyes and several calls for mercy and “no’s” from the other scientists. Shujaa hesitates and then lowers his rifle and shoots the scientist in the leg.)
Scientist: Ahhh! Dammit!
Shujaa: Oh, shut up. Chrys! There is another Cygen here!
(There is a loud crash and the sounds of fighting.)
Chrys: Yup. Found him!
(Shujaa takes a hard look at the scientists. He is clearly torn between holding them there or going to help Chrys.)
Shujaa: There are ten of you here. If I come back and there are not ten of you, I will hunt you all down. Clear?
(The scientists give rapid nods. Shujaa turns and runs to where Chrys is.)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hi, jimss23! Pan dropping in for a quick review.
Obviously this has been kicking around in the Green Room for quite some time, which I'd guess is because reviewers (unfortunately) tend to shy away from scripts. I'm no expert on them, but I have just completed a semester on screenplay writing at university, so I can definitely help you out with structure, script conventions and formatting. That's going to be the main focus of this review, though I will talk about dialogue, character, pacing and plot towards the end of the critique.
Format and Conventions
So, the first thing I noticed about this was that I had no clear indication of what kind of script it was. You mention the camera a few times, so I'd assume this is intended to be either a film or television script, which means the format needs to follow some slightly different conventions.
First things first, scene headers. Each scene needs a header to indicate whether it takes place inside (interior) or outside (exterior), what location it is filmed in, and at what time of day it takes place. For instance, if I was writing about a scene taking place in my own living room during the day, you might have this:
INT. PAN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY.
That's the basic formula. You don't need to be much more specific than day/night, not unless the time of day is particularly crucial to the scene. These should head every scene. Your first scene could have something like this:
EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP - NIGHT
You are a little vague about where exactly the characters are positioned, though, so it may be that you can be more specific about the location.
On a similar note, you need to give us a better idea when scenes start and finish. This piece is presented as one long scene, but it actually should be several, as you must have a new scene every time the characters move in time or in space. If your characters enter a new location (this includes even entering a new room or a new corridor in a building), you need a new scene. If time skips, you need a new scene. If the camera switches to focus on a different character in another location (e.g. Terell in the computer room or the unnamed man on top of the warehouse roof), you need a new scene. Scenes can be just a pair of sentences long, but they're still scenes in their own right.
Format is another issue. It's difficult to get a true TV/film script format on YWS because it offers little flexibility when it comes to margins and such. However, a rough estimation of the format is as follows:
Real script formatting is a bit more complicated, but this adheres about as much to the conventions as YWS will allow. It's an unnatural format to write in at first, but you quickly get used to it.
I think my final point convention-wise is that, seeing as this is probably a writer's script rather than a shooting script, there's no need to talk about what the camera is doing. Those kinds of decisions come later, along with all of the stuff about scenes fading in and fading out and music and suchlike. Writer's scripts should focus only on what the characters are doing with no focus upon the camera or what the audience sees. Compare these examples:
Shooting script
The camera pans over the three girls. We see them dancing, lit by sunlight, but no music can be heard.
Writer's script
The three girls dance, lit by bright sunlight.
It's simpler, see? It's not a million miles away from telling a regular prose story, because you don't acknowledge the audience. I'd stick to that style for now, because a shooting script is usually put together when directors and writers start to collaborate. Unless you're actually into directing as well, in which case knock yourself out and go for a shooting script style. It just depends on what role you want to take in the whole process.
That's all for format, but I'll direct you to these resources for more info. If you're looking for literature on screenwriting, Robert McKee's Story is a great place to start - it's a bread-and-butter read for all inspiring scriptwriters.
How to format a screenplay
Example short film script
BBC Script Library - home to examples of radio, TV and film scripts.
Content
With all that out of the way, let's talk about the content of the script. Do I like it? Partly. I think your dialogue is definitely your biggest strength. I get a great sense of Chrys and Shujaa's personalities, and the end scene where the latter is threatening the scientists is particularly strong. Like ShadowVyper touched on, I think some of the dialogue at the beginning is a touch on the expository side, but it's nothing particularly worrying. It doesn't pull me out of the story.
I think you could make the whole sequence a bit pacier, if I'm honest. This is something that might be rectified when you split this up into separate scenes, because it'll help you shed off the dead weight that doesn't need to be there. I just felt like some of the conversations were stretched out for a little too long to hold my interest. When Chrys was conferring with Terrell and they were preparing to move into the warehouse, I remember wanting them to get on with it. Like with the dialogue issues, it's certainly nothing major; it's just about tightening up the exchanges so that we're always on the edge of our seat.
How do I feel about the plot in general? Well, I do like sci-fi, and the concept of superhumans is a tried-and-tested plot that definitely works. My concern is originality. There's nothing in this opening that feels particularly original or unique, even if it is well-delivered for the most part. Scientists creating superhumans is something that shows up in a lot of superhero movies, so you're going to need to take a different angle on it if you want it to stand out.
So let's summarise. I do think there's more good here than bad. The format needs sorting out, but that's not a major issue. The plot needs more of an original spark. What you already have a great grasp on, however, is characterisation through actions and dialogue. I love to see that. Considering it's what you were most worried about, it's definitely the best aspect of the piece.
Sorry if this review was harsh! If you've any questions about what I said in this review - or any questions about script formatting and structure - don't hesitate to ask. I hope this helped!
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for the review. Yea the format needs some work. It's hard to get it right on here due to format restrictions, so the word doc will have more detail.
I know the plot is a little generic thus far, but the full plot is way to difficult to explain all here without boring everyone to tears. To put it mildly, the scientists creating superhumans become little more than a footnote later on, something that is just there and not the central focus. I was gonna use this scene as sort of a set up so the reader understands the how and why the characters get their powers so they aren't scratching their heads the whole time. But, it is good to know how the reader perceives it, so that's a significant help for the scene.
Thanks for the feedback on the dialogue. I changed to script style at the advice of a fellow reviewer who wanted to see me work with just dialogue cause she said that it's what I was best at and my in-between stuff was lacking.
Again, thanks for the review! Always appreciate the feedback!
Stay easy,
Jim
Hey Jimms,
Shady here with a review for you!
First of all, I thought it was interesting you did this in script style. Is there a reason you did it that way? Just curious
I don't have a ton of experience with scripts, so forgive me if the critiques I may find as I read through the story aren't necessarily problems for script-style stories. I'm just going to tackle it plot/character/dialogue-wise like I would a novel or short story
I think this might be a tad bit obvious (like borderline "telling" rather than "showing"). Maybe you could find a way to suggest that he's being paid to kill people rather than him flat out saying it?
I'm not sure what his character is like, yet, so I don't know what might work -- but maybe like "Yeah, you're paying me to clean the scum off the face of the earth. Not to sit here staring at an empty warehouse." Or something? Does that make sense. Find a way to express his character while explaining what he does, rather than just telling us.
Whoa, she? Again, I'm not super familiar with scripts -- but could you maybe work in a description of this character? I was envisioning a male, with the name Chrys (my mind is pronouncing it like the name Chris, so I automatically assumed male). Not a super important detail but it was a bit of a shock to me.
Okay, you said you weren't entirely happy with the dialogue or I wouldn't have brought this up -- but I do think that this one is a bit of an awkward exchange. It feels like the character is saying too much. Maybe something like "Didn't figure you'd let me wrap this up quickly. Always gotta do things the hard way when you're around."
Or something. That's not a dazzling example, but Shujaa seems like a pretty sarcastic character and a short and sweet jab here I think would be an improvement.
~ ~ ~
Okay! Overall this was a really interesting story! I enjoyed reading it, and it sparked lots of questions (What's a Cygen? Why are the scientists making them? What are Chrys and Shujaa going to do to the Cygens?) which is really good because it makes me want to read on. Nice cliff-hanger to end the section on
Please let me know if anything doesn't make sense or if you have any questions. Hope this helps!
~Shady
Thanks for the review! Yea I get the Chrys thing. Her full name is Chrysanthemum so I thought it would be cool to shorten it for a cop. Thanks for the help with the dialogue. It really does need some help. I write script style because I've always been better with dialogue than descriptions so I decided it would be good to focus on the dialogue and character interactions then spend a lot of time explaining things.
Anyway, I appreciate the review! This will really help my edits.
Stay easy,
Jim