z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Excerpt 1: The Elimination

by jimss23


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

2123.

The world is recovering from the devastation caused by the Sino-Europa War. The war left entire countries in ruins and two continents devastated.

In a desperate attempt to gain the upper hand, Pro-Europa forces enlisted the help of Dr. Mitski Kamina to create a new breed of super soldier.

Referred to as Cygens, the products of the experiments were faster and stronger than normal humans, but also possessed an unforeseen side effect; They developed superhuman abilities. Despite being originally created by Pro-Europa forces, it wasn’t long till both sides had access to this new breed of warrior.

With the introduction of Cygen, the war eventually came to a stalemate and eventually, a truce. No longer having any use, the Cygens from the war were placed in the experimental city of Bai Jian, which was to become their new home and their prison.

Cygens now threaten to dominate the city. With the recent introduction of technology that recreates the Cygen process, the threat to the people of Bai Jian has only become worse.

There is only one group capable of keeping rogue Cygens in line; an elite team of Cygens who is all that stands between peace and utter chaos.

Division 6

D-6, this is command. You are clear to engage. All sanctions have been released. Lethal force has been authorized.

Take him down.

It was a cold, windy night in Bai Jian. The wind whipped through the city, sending everything tossing and turning as it went.

From her perch, high above the city on one of Bai Jian’s giant skyscrapers, Captain Chrys Mercier stared at the people below, huddling around in oversized jackets, desperate to shield themselves from the sweeping dry air.

Her gaze slowly panned out to a slightly smaller, but wider skyscraper across directly in front of her, hidden among the other towering buildings. Chrys flicked on her mind comm. It was time to go.

This is Chrys. I’m in position. Field team, status check. Chrys ordered.

A deep voice came through the comm. Batista here and I’m ready to roll. Time for some good old B and E.

The next voice was quiet and serious. Abigail here. Ready to plant the tap on your command Captain.

The third voice was similar in tone but had a hint of impatience. Leoa all set and ready to go. Target room has been located.

The final voice was excited and eager. Donna checking in. Let’s do this Captain. It’s been too long. Batista, you ready big fella? I’m about to bust some heads in.

Chrys’s teeth clenched in irritation. Donna, cut the chatter. Abigail, set the tap on my mark. Chrys pulled her goggles on her head over her eyes. Mark.

Somewhere in the building across the gap, Abigail placed a uni-key device onto the main control box deep below the building.

As soon as the tap was engaged, Chrys’s display lit up, now showing the building and a 3D overlay of all the floor plans in the building.

Command, this is Chrys, tap is set. Sending building data now. Chrys used her mind to package the data that had been streamed to her headgear. She quickly transferred all the data to headquarters.

A deep, monotone voice spoke quickly through the mind-comm. Chrys this is Terrell. We are receiving your data now. I should have control of the building’s electronic systems in two minutes.

Chrys quickly scanned the building and her display highlighted her teammate's locations relative to hers. Team, be ready to move on my mark. Remember, stagger entry. We have two minutes till complete control. Terrell, once you have the hack, locate the target.

Will do.

Chrys took a deep breath and prepared her mind for the operation. Mark!

Chrys pulled off the duffel bag she was wearing over her tactical vest and laid it down on the floor of the roof. She pulled out a small tripod and lens and placed it on the concrete sides of the building. A small metal spike shot down from the middle, locking the tripod to the roof. She adjusted the lens, aiming it right at the roof of the opposite skyscraper.

Batista here. Entry has been completed.

A small dot on Chrys’s display flashed red near the base of the building, and three dots appeared below the building, diverging rapidly from one another.

Donna’s voice popped over the comms. Terrell, how long till alarms sound?

30 seconds, give or take. I’m trying to stall them but I can’t holdout forever. You should be right on schedule.

Chrys unzipped her bag as they talked, keeping close attention on the status of the operation. Her hands worked from memory alone, slowly opening the bag to reveal the contents inside. All-the-while, voices would shoot through the comms.

This is Leoa. Server room is in sight. Moving to engage.

Terrell’s voice quickly burst over the comms. 15 seconds till alarms sound.

Chrys stopped opening the bag, the cover falling back to cover the contents. She straightened up and flicked on her mind-comm. Batista, Donna. Are you in position?

Affirmative.

Si, mon Capitan.

Chrys rolled her eyes at Donna’s informal response but bent down again to continue her work. She lifted the cover and it fell to the floor to reveal two pieces of equipment, the disassembled parts of Chrys’s weapon: The N-1 Electromagnetic Railgun. One of the parts was the receiver, a short detachable one with a thick collapsible stock. The other, more elaborate part of the weapon was the long custom barrel. The outer part was a unique plastic casing, curved over the true barrel. The casing was thick at the top and bottom, but was open in the middle, save the diagonal plastic lines that connected the top and bottom. The true barrel was a chrome rod encased in the plastic cover. Through the open middle, you had a full view of the true barrel. What made the weapon truly unique was the thick blue tubes coiled around the barrel like a spring. The tubes were full of wires, ready to channel the electromagnetic force.

Chrys attached the two pieces together with a click. She placed the weapon down on the duffel bag and turned her attention back to the ongoing mission.

Chrys, this is Terrell. I have the hack. The building is yours.

Chrys bit her lip and nodded. Terrell, find me the target. I need a location.

On it ma’am.

Chrys then focused her attention back on the rest of the team. Everyone. Status check.

Leoa responded first. My side of the operation is completed. Moving along exit path now.

Donna’s voice was second. She was obviously winded but seem ecstatic. First round of security was eliminated. I reckon we have a good minute before the next batch arrives.

Batista answered last. Ran into a few snags. A few minutes behind but still should be able to meet time table.

Terrell’s voice interrupted the check-in. Well, that time table just got moved up. Someone called the police right as you entered. They are five minutes away. I’m trying to divert them, but you better get that vault open.

Son of a bitch. Donna, I’m going to need you to hold off that second wave.

Donna sounded even happier. Thought you’d never ask.

Terrell interrupted once again. Captain, I have the target. He’s on the forty-fifth floor. He is getting ready to move to the roof. Captain, there are two people there that are not coming up on the database.

For the first time since the beginning of the mission, the voice of the division commander, Michael, came over the comms. If we want to make this clean, we need to know who these guys are. See if any additional steps need to be taken. We don’t have time to do a full search. Chrys, can your contact identify these men?

Chrys let out a quiet groan. If those men are any way related to a criminal organization, then yes, he probably can.

Remember, the target has sensitive information. We cannot allow it to be spread. I’m giving you clearance for contact. Keep it brief and need to know.

Chrys closed her eyes and shot out a short breath. She tapped her wrist and opened her direct link. She tapped a few more buttons and the device attempted to contact. Within seconds the line opened and a man’s voice answered.

“Hey, beautiful. This a business call or a social one?” He asked. Chrys could almost see the confident smirk he was probably making right now.

“This is a business call and I need you to get down to it Shujaa. I need names to faces. Now.” Chrys barked.

“Jeez, no need to be so pushy. Send it. I’ll see what I can do for you.” Shujaa groaned.

Chrys transferred the faces Terrell had identified. “We need to know as fast as possible, Shujaa. We are in the middle of an operation here.”

“Damn. You should have told me! Ok, so the first one is the head of a private security company, Jon Reeves, and the other one is Louis Fortes, an underboss in one of those criminal syndicates on the West Side. Not really anything special why?”

“Need to know. I’ll call you when the mission is complete.”

“Will this be a social call this time?” Shujaa inquired with his same flirtatious tone.

Chrys responded by shutting the line. Boss, the guys are low level. They wouldn’t have access.

Michael quickly answered. Understood. Continue with the mission.

Batista’s low voice came over the comms right after Michael’s. Captain. I have the data, moving to exit point now.

Donna here. Right behind you.

Chrys grabbed her weapon and grabbed another tripod, this one designed to form the stabilizer of the railgun. Terrell, status of the target.

About to reach the roof. If you're gonna charge that thing, you need to do it now.

Chrys disabled her comm. The 3-D display also disappeared. In its place, a live feed from the lens she had set earlier gave her a crystal-clear image of the other roof.

The loud sound of an incoming VTOL aircraft momentarily broke Chrys’s concentration. The airship was heading right for the roof of the other skyscraper. Chrys pressed the stock against her shoulder and closely aligned her view screen to the roof.

As the VTOL landed, five men stepped out onto the roof to meet it. Three of them were wearing black suits and holding submachine guns, one of the other two was wearing a red pinstripe suit with black lapels. Chrys’s target, braced in between the four other men was wearing a ragged brown suit. He was wearing glasses and shuffling around nervously.

I’m taking the shot. All team members, clear out.

Chrys stood stoically for a moment before breathing out heavily. It was now time to bring forth her powers to bring her full power to bear. Electricity sparked up Chrys’s spine and out through her body into the weapon. It hummed as it was charged by the electricity now shooting from Chrys’s hands into the weapon. When it was fully charged, Chrys took aim and the man in the brown suit and pulled the trigger. The spike contained inside the railgun shot out of the weapon with tremendous force. It flashed towards the man in brown, striking him square in the back.

Then he exploded.


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Sun Aug 27, 2017 10:03 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I figured I'd drop by for a quick review today.

So, the first few paragraphs really read like a back-of-the-cover blurb, and to be quite honest it's a pretty well-done one. It does a great job of getting the setting and tone across in a very short time while not confusing the reader. The only thing I would suggest is to try and work in more of a hint about these Cygen's character - basically, the first thing I wondered was why these Cygens are loyal to the government while others aren't, and if their loyalties will shift or be a point of conflict throughout the story. If this story does deal with those loyalties rather than brushing over them, I think it'd be good to hint at that in this blurb. But overall, it's definitely a summary that would make me pick the book up and read the first few pages.

Anyway, on to the actual story. I wasn't a big fan of how as each character checked in, you described their voice as excited or low or calm or whatever. For the first couple, it was fine, but then it wound up feeling like a gimmick, and to be honest, your dialogue can usually convey that the person is excited or whatever without having to say so outright.

There are a lot of characters in this scene, and them not all being in the same place makes it even more tricky. That being said, I think you did a fairly good job of distinguishing them, and I wasn't too confused until the division commander showed up. Then I had to concentrate a bit more because so many names were flying past.

Something I think you could consider is having Chrys have more of an active role in this operation. Because she's on the roof pretty much the whole time, it feels like she's an observer rather than a main player in this operation, at least up until the end. It also makes it harder to keep track of what's actually going on, because it's happening to other people.

But yeah, this was a pretty good first scene. Something I'm going to want *very* soon is a bit more personality/background on all the characters so I can connect to them more, but I'm not sure you could squeeze that in here without bogging them down. For now, their dialogue does a decent job of showing their personality, but we're going to need more.

And that's all I've got! Good luck, and keep writing!




jimss23 says...


Hey!

Thanks for the review!

I agree the opening blurb is confusing. I'm working on the phrasing right now, but hopefully, it will be better down the line.

You are probably right about the tags to the voices. I added them so that people would be able to distinguish the voices but I do need to find a better way to do it.

The commander could have been handled better. I'm gonna adjust that.

As to the final part, I tried writing it with Chrys involved and the 10-page mess that ensued told me I need to find a better way.

Anyway, I appreciate the review. I will hopefully have their personalities added in the next scene as the scene is specifically designed to do that.

Cheers
Jimmy



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Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:21 pm
ajruby12 wrote a review...



Hey, AJ here! I saw your chapter title and was immediately interested! (And you also reviewed my chapter)

First, some technical stuff.
- The wording seems a little odd on this: "...but wider skyscraper across directly in front of her," I would change it to "skyscraper directly across from her" or "skyscraper looming up in front of her"
- "Abigail placed a uni-key device onto the main control box deep below the building." From this sentence, I envision her just setting the key on top of a metal box. Maybe "Abigail inserted the device in the main control box..."
- "She quickly transferred all the data to headquarters." This sentence is awkward and just restates what she already said. Could benefit from a re-word.
- "Chrys rolled her eyes at Donna’s informal response" I feel like this would be a good spot to show a thought, instead of stating it. For example, "Chrys rolled her eyes. 'She's such an idiot...'" or something like that.
- "Chrys bit her lip and nodded." Why did she nod? Can they see her?
- "She tapped a few more buttons and the device attempted to contact." Some of these verbs are fairly vague. Maybe "...and the device started buzzing softly." or whatever the device would do when trying to connect a call.
- "Ok, so the first one is the head of a private security company, Jon Reeves, and the other one is Louis Fortes, an underboss in one of those criminal syndicates on the West Side" He knew it that fast? Seems like a little written pause would make it a little more realistic.

OK, now on to the fun stuff!
One general question: why is the elite team of Cygens willing to stop the other rampant Cygens? Are they loyal to the government-or-whatever or do they just enjoy their jobs?

This storyline fascinates me! You did an excellent job writing all the way through the mission. The pace was just about perfect, and the timing of events was good. You kept things moving, but I think you provided enough details for me to get a good picture of what's going on.
I think you could do with a little work on verbs. Some of them didn't seem strong enough, especially since you used a fair amount of linking verbs. Getting strong, useful, stand-alone verbs can really improve a story.

Overall, I really like this! There are some other things that I could point out, but I think this is a fantastic story. Can't wait to read more!

-AJ




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Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:50 am
Wizard says...



Hey, Jimms! Good to see ya back! So, before I leave a legitimate review, I was wondering if this is a continuation of your previous story arc with these characters or an entirely new story? That'll help me get an idea of what I should be experiencing as an audience member. Thanks!

Your friend,
-Wizard




jimss23 says...


Sorry it took so long for me to reply. Same characters different story line. I am working with three versions now. See which one I like more




Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.
— Willie Nelson