z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

Children of the Pyramid: Chapter 6: Lamentar

by jimss23


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Chrys awoke to find that Shujaa had left the room. She pulled herself up from the bed noticing the pile of her clothes at the end of the bed. What a gentleman. Chrys smiled to herself. Shujaa was back. Her old life was back. Everything was back where it should be. Chrys picked up the clothes and put them on. She went over to his sink to look at herself in the mirror.

She was a mess. Her face looked worn and weary, and covered with dirt and grime. Her hair was ragged unkempt and tangled from lack of care. Chrys sighed at her miserable appearance. It’s a miracle Shujaa wanted me at all. I could have at least cleaned up for him. She cursed herself for getting so lazy and complacent. Her life for the last two years had been hell, and her whole body showed it. She thought about Shujaa, how upset he was about her having sex with other guys. Fuck. He’s right. I was doing the same thing I did back then.

“I’m really pathetic,” she said, thinking out loud. She looked back at how ragged and broken she was. God, he is still looking out for me after all this time. He even gave me what I wanted last night, even after that relapse. Do you think that he…? She inhaled hard and gripped the sink. Fuck! I always keep hurting him and he puts up with all of that, just to save me from myself. All the memories of what he had done for her, all of times that he protected her and rescued her from her lowest moments, Chrys remembered them all. Fuckin hell Chrys. What were you thinking? You would be dead by now if he hadn’t killed that bastard. Two years without him and you went back to the same life he worked so hard to save you from. Probably killed him on the inside. Chrys clenched the sides of the sink. Damn it! Why do I keep hurting the only person who ever gave a shit about me! Chrys got a lump in her throat and moved back over to the bed and sat down. The memories of the shitty hookups she had come flooding back, and she couldn’t help feel like every single one was a betrayal to Shujaa. Chrys slammed her fists into the bed.

“Damn it!” She yelled. “What the fuck was I thinking? He is never going to forgive me for this.” Chrys rested her head in her hands. She ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. I’ve got to make this right.

Chrys got up from the bed, threw on the clothes, and went downstairs. A few groggy tenants who had rented a room for the night were walking through the hallway, getting ready to leave. Chrys hurried her way through all the people. Ignoring the leering glances, she took the staircase down, and walked into the bar.

Terrell and Ino were eating breakfast when she came down. They were talking to each other, but stopped as soon as Chrys entered the room.

Ino smiled. “Morning Chrys.”

“Morning to you two. You two see Shujaa this morning?”

Terrell nodded his head. “Shujaa and the boss had a fight. It got ugly; Shujaa left afterwards.”

Chrys bit her lip in frustration. “Any idea where he went?”

“Nope. Why don’t you have breakfast and then see if you can find him.” Ino offered. He motioned to a pan of scrambled eggs on the bar. “Made them just for the you and Shujaa. Guess they are all yours now.”

Chrys thanked him and grabbed a plate. She gave herself a generous helping and sat down next to Ino. Ino smiled at her, watching her eat.

“Hey, Ino, what did the Boss and Shujaa fight about?” Chrys asked in between bites. Ino stopped smiling and turned to Terrell. Terrell shrugged. Ino looked back at Chrys and smiled again.

“Oh nothing I guess. Something about him not wanting to following orders. Stuff like that,” Ino mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

Chrys stared blankly into her eggs. “It was about me, wasn’t it?”

Ino laughed nervously. “Um, yea, maybe. I shouldn’t say.”

Chrys nodded slowly. “I understand.”

Chrys went back to quickly eating her eggs. She didn’t want to be in the bar anymore, she just wanted to crawl back to her room and either sleep. Or drink. Or both. She grabbed a beer from behind the bar and popped it open. She downed it along with her meal.

“Aren’t you starting a little early there, Chrys?” Ino inquired. Chrys gave him a quick dirty glance and Ino backed off.

With a loud beep, the phone rang. Terrell rose from his chair and picked it up. He listened to the call, nodded a few times, and hung up.

“Chrys, someone wants to see you at the racing circle.”

Chrys looked up from her meal. “Who?”

Terrell gave her a hard stare. “Someone. Didn’t say who. This was not a request Chrys, you have to go.”

Chrys stood up and shoved her plate away from her. She let out a big huff and walked back up to her room. She grabbed her hoodie and pants from her closet, put them on and left the bar, grabbing the Needle on her way out.

It was windy in Bai Jian. The signature cool breeze, bringing the salty taste from the sea, was even more pronounced during the latter part of the year. The cold air bit at her face, and she shoved her hands into her jacket. Chrys briskly made her way to the racing circle. The racing circle was in the middle of Cartel territory and was the central hub of all car races in the city. It was also the place where all manner of thugs and gangsters brought their cars to show them off. The racing circle was protected and run by the Cartels, and the price for trying to steal a car was notoriously high. The circle also acted as a main location of a good portion of the Cartel’s drug business in the sector.

Chrys walked up to a purple lowrider with 24” rims sitting in the middle of the circle. Every car was placed around it; the gaudy car the center of attention. Chrys knew that if someone important wanted to see her, they would be in that car. There was one woman stood outside the car, wearing a white tank top and a snapback. She was chewing gum and had a baseball bat resting across her shoulders. She glared at Chrys as she strode up to the car. Just as Chrys was about to get close, the women waiting by the car stepped in front of her.

Chrys scrunched up her face in frustration. “Get out of my way, Jada. I was told to come see your boss. This is not the morning you want to cross me.”

“Boss ain’t here, bitch. Someone else wants to see you.” Jada said, her English effected by her Spanish accent. She nodded to a large man next to the car and he stepped over to the car and opened the door. A young man in his mid-twenties stepped out of the vehicle. He was wearing a plain black suit with no tie. A large coat was draped over his suit, increasing his already imposing size. He was tan, and he had tattoos running up the base of his neck. His most distinguishing characteristic was his pure white hair. The hair was not bleached, but instead a natural white. Even the stubble on his sideburns and chin was white. Intense light brown eyes stared right at Chrys, his jewelry jingling as he stepped out of the car.

“Batista.” Chrys groaned.

Batista smiled sheepishly. “Heya Chrys. It’s been a long time, huh?”

“Not nearly long enough. I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again.”

Batista rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. “I tried to keep my distance, I really did. But the boss says I gotta come talk to ya.”

Sheep in wolf’s clothing. That’s what people called Batista. For an extremely dangerous Hybrid, he was one of the last few honorable people in this city. Chrys had never liked him. He was always too kind, too accommodating. It had never felt right to her. Chrys’ dislike of him was made more complicated by the fact that Batista had liked her for as long as she can remember.

Chrys put a hand to up to her face in exasperation. “What does the old man want?”

Batista looked at her sympathetically. “Umm…. Well… You Chrys. He wants to see you.”

Chrys sighed. “Then I’ll go to him. He got a job or something?”

“Ah. No. He wants you Chrys. Like you know… in that way, you know?” Batista said, looking down.

Chrys frowned. “Damn that old bastard! So, he sends you out here to force me to come, huh?”

Batista eyes widened and backed off. “No Chrys! I would never! I’m just the messenger!”

“Tell your boss to shove that offer up his ass. I’m an enforcer. Not a whore.” Chrys growled.

Batista crossed his arms, still avoiding direct eye contact. “Um, well rumor has it that you’re not…anymore. It’s those damn rules and all that, you know?” Batista mumbled.

Jada slapped Batista on the head. “Grow a fucking pair Batista! You supposed to be an enforcer! This bitch ain’t that scary!”

“You shouldn’t call her a bitch,” Batista warned.

Jada shook her head and sighed. “You’re hopeless. Listen up redheaded bitch! You’ve been whoring yourself out on the side. Bai Jian has got strict rules about whores. Since you a whore now, you go see Boss, got it?”

Batista looked up, eyes hard, his jaw clenched. He grabbed Jada and yanked her towards him. “Chrys is no whore. Call her that again and I break you.”

Jada swore and punched him in the face. “I will call her I want. I work for Abuelo, not for you!”

Batista turned his head back to Jada and let her go. "You better hope that he keeps protecting you, Jada. As soon as he stops..."

Jada shrugged him off and walked away. "Pussy."

Batista clenched his teeth and raised his hand, aiming his palm at Jada's back. With a WHOOSH a transparent energy wave shot from his hand. Chrys watched as the pulse flew towards Jada, creating a wake that created the same distortion as fire, blurring the view of anything behind it. The wave crashed into Jada, knocking her to the ground. "Oops," Batista murmured.   

Chrys crossed her arms and sighed. “I don’t need you to defend my honor, Batista. I’m a big girl. Let her talk. She’s not going to her my feelings.”

“Oh yeah,” Batista, embarrassed. “Sorry, Chrys.”

“Whatever,” Chrys said, dismissively.

“Anyway, I am sorry about all this Chrys, but please show up to the Pecado Puro tonight, or I will be forced to come find you. Please do the right thing, for both our sakes. I don’t like this anymore than you do, trust me. Boss will want you to change out of the hoodie you wear everywhere. Dress up a little can you?”

Batista climbed back into his car. The purple lowrider slowly pulled out of the circle, leaving Jada on the ground, wiping the blood off her head.

She left the racing circle as fast as possible. “Fuck,” Chrys said under her breath. “I am so screwed. That’s an order from a fucking Boss. I can’t refuse that.” Abuelo can’t solicit her directly, but this was tantamount to it. Chrys had to find a way to fix this. Shujaa. She had to find him. He was the only one who could get her out of this mess.


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55 Reviews


Points: 3562
Reviews: 55

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Wed Apr 05, 2017 3:16 pm
Silberfee wrote a review...



Hello! Generally speaking I liked the story - its much more mature, imaginative and there is more action that the other stories I have come across so far on this website. The relationship between Chrys and Shujaa is intriguing because of Chry's situation. I also really love Chry's personality she is portrayed to be a tough woman but she still has the dignity to care about her appearance:

Chrys sighed at her miserable appearance. It’s a miracle Shujaa wanted me at all. I could have at least cleaned up for him.
Especially for a man (I presume Shujaa is a guy?) who cares for her.

The things I found that could be improved are:

24”
better for readers to write twenty four inches (my teachers use to nag me to spell numbers rather than just type them )

{quote]“Damn it!” She yelled. “What the fuck was I thinking? He is never going to forgive me for this.” [/quote}
Does she actually yell the whole phrase out? Because I find it hard to imagine her yelling all of it out because since she seems to stay in abuilding full of other residents she would draw attention to herself and I am surprised that her next door neighbour isn't coming running to tell to shut up and be considerate about other people sleeping or if they are acquainted asking after her health. I would imagine that she yells 'damn it,' and mutters the rest.

when you describe Batista as the 'last few honorable people,' in the city (this could be because I haven't read the first few chapters) I'm curious as to what makes him honorable?

I think 'like,' is the wrong word to use here:
Chrys’ dislike of him was made more complicated by the fact that Batista had liked her for as long as she can remember
as Batista -from your description of him- probably doesn't like her for her character. I think a word like 'favour' would be better.




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1735 Reviews


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Fri Mar 17, 2017 12:03 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

I dove into this story smack dab in the middle, so I’m going to try not to mention things that would probably make sense if I had started reading earlier.

First I want to mention a couple things you did well.

She went over to his sink to look at herself in the mirror.
She was a mess. Her face looked worn and weary, and covered with dirt and grime. Her hair was ragged unkempt and tangled from lack of care.


Usually, getting character description across by having a character look in the mirror and notice how she looks is clichéd as heck and makes me roll my eyes, but you actually used it appropriately here. Rather than having Chrys look in the mirror and notice her hair, the same color as it always is, eyes, the same color as they always are, and face shape, the same as it always is, you actually had her looking in the mirror for a real reason. Not to just notice what she looks like, but to assess how terrible she looks this morning. I think it worked really well, especially since I was considering the usual basic-description use of the mirror at first. I was pleasantly surprised.

You also did really well with Batista’s description, mainly this line.

His most distinguishing characteristic was his pure white hair.


Rather than giving us a description that merely listed his personal traits, you drew our attention to the one that stands out the most.

One major thing that bothered me while I read this chapter was the Friend Zone/Nice Guy feeling of Chrys’ relationship with Shujaa. I’m not going to go into detail about that because I haven’t read prior chapters and don’t know the context—maybe I’d ship them if I’d read from the beginning. But I just wanted to mention it, because it really bothered me that Chrys kept thinking about basically everything she’s ever done hurting him or how amazing it was he would even want her when she was all grimy.

But again, I don’t know the context of their relationship. So no more on that subject.

The other three things that got me, in the order they occurred:

1. When Terrell told Chrys “it wasn’t a request” and that she had to go meet whomever had just called on the phone, even though he didn’t know who this person was. Like, wouldn’t he be concerned for her safety or demand to know who the person on the other end was? It makes sense to me that Chrys would go anyway, since later on we see that she had a good idea of who had called (even though she turned out to be slightly wrong). It just bothered me that Terrell would accept a message from persons unknown and tell Chrys to be on her way.

Actually, reading over it again, it seems like Terrell might suspect who it is himself. But maybe if you made that clearer or had Chrys think “must be the boss” or something similar, that part wouldn’t have bothered me.


2. This bit seemed out of place.

It was windy in Bai Jian. The signature cool breeze, bringing the salty taste from the sea, was even more pronounced during the latter part of the year. The cold air bit at her face, and she shoved her hands into her jacket. Chrys briskly made her way to the racing circle. The racing circle was in the middle of Cartel territory and was the central hub of all car races in the city. It was also the place where all manner of thugs and gangsters brought their cars to show them off. The racing circle was protected and run by the Cartels, and the price for trying to steal a car was notoriously high. The circle also acted as a main location of a good portion of the Cartel’s drug business in the sector.


It’s fine that you’re letting us know what it’s like in Bai Jian, and this is sort of an interesting paragraph. However, it felt out of place because it didn’t tie into Chrys’ thoughts or the story. If you related this to Chrys and her current circumstances, this would flow better.

3. This part omg.

Batista looked up, eyes hard, his jaw clenched. He grabbed Jada and yanked her towards him. “Chrys is no whore. Call her that again and I break you.”
Jada swore and punched him in the face. “I will call her I want. I work for Abuelo, not for you!”

Batista turned his head back to Jada and let her go. "You better hope that he keeps protecting you, Jada. As soon as he stops..."


For real, though, like Batista literally just got PUNCHED IN THE FACE and he did not react AT ALL. Like he didn’t even acknowledge that he got punched, not even to be like, “Hey, don’t punch me.” So that kind of broke down the realism for a moment. I mean, I don’t know if Batista can feel pain or anything, obviously he’s sort of a not-exactly-human sort of character, but I thought he should acknowledge getting punched in SOME way.




jimss23 says...


jimss here

Thanks for the review.

I really appreciate the time and detail you put in the review!

Will eventually use this to make revisions.

Cheers,

Jimss




Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— -Apple Inc.