18+ Language Violence

Children of the Pyramid: Chapter 5: Morning Wrath (Edited)

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

“Quinton! Quinton!” The cheer of the crowd was deafening. They screamed his name over and over again urging him on. Shujaa looked at the audience through the chain links of the cage surrounding the fighting circle.

“What are you waiting for, Quinton? Kill her!” The ringmaster yelled. Shujaa looked down to see a young girl bloody and bruised that on her knees before him, defeated, her face was twisted in pure fear.

“Quinton, please, don’t,” she begged. “We are friends remember? Don’t do this!”

“I am sorry, Marie. It is you or me. I choose me,” Shujaa heard himself say. He stepped behind her and wrapped his hands around her neck and head.

“QUINTON!” she screamed as Shujaa twisted his hands, snapping her neck. The girl fell forward, body convulsing in her death throws.

“Quinton! Quinton!” The crowd yelled, even louder now. Shujaa looked up the celling a let out a primal roar.

Shujaa awoke with a jump, sitting up. He took deep, heavy breaths as he shook his head, trying to dispel the nightmare. I haven’t had one of those in a while. Chrys nuzzled up to him, sensing his movement. Must have been her relapse. Probably brought back those memories. Shujaa climbed out of bed, careful not to wake Chrys. The bed was still damp from all the sweat from last night, and he and Chrys were still naked. Shujaa went to his closet and pulled out a shirt and sweatpants and threw them on. He then went to a small foot locker in the corner and popped it open. Various articles of Chrys' clothing had been tossed in. They had always kept spares of each other's clothes in their respective rooms, just in case. Shujaa pulled out the necessary pieces of clothing and tossed them on the bed next to the sleeping Chrys. He grabbed his tags from off the mirror, placed them under his shirt, and made his way downstairs.

Ino was an early riser. Despite staying up till late into the evening, he always seemed to be up before everyone else. Ino was cleaning up the mess made from last night when Shujaa came down, sweeping trash off the floor. A row of dirty glasses lined the bar, demanding attention. Shujaa walked over to the bar grabbing a rag and began cleaning off the glasses, placing each one back in its place.

"Thanks, Shujaa," Ino said gratefully. Tending the bar was no easy feat. Cleaning the place up was even worse. The stuff that accumulated on the bar floor was the stuff of nightmares. The only thing that might be worse than cleaning the bar floor was cleaning the various rooms in the building above the bar. No one wanted to do that. Boss Nia used it as punishment.

“When did everyone clear out of here last night?” Shujaa asked, still drying off the dishes.

“Terrell kicked everyone out about five or six in the morning. Last night wasn’t that bad. Most people found their dates or other forms of entertainment before that anyway. How’d you sleep? Oh, also, I need that flask I gave you back by the way.”

“I’ll get it back to you this afternoon. As for how I slept, Chrys did everything in her power to stop me from getting any rest,” Shujaa grumbled.

Ino gave him a quick smile. "I know you probably don't want to hear this Shujaa, but I'm glad she did. Chrys caused so much trouble around here while you were gone. I'm relieved to see that she has refocused her attention," Shujaa let out a soft groan.

“Yea I just wish she wasn’t as wild as she always was. I was hoping time without me would have made her cool off,” Shujaa complained.

Ino made a click with his mouth and shook his head. "Nope. If anything it's probably made it worse. There were sometimes Shujaa; it got ugly. Dudes started fighting over her, getting all possessive. She loved it, but it caused Terrell and Boss Nia a giant headache. I mean you know how this place is. A whole bunch of dangerous thugs in here looking for a lady and she's flirting with everyone. It was chaos. Terrell eventually started giving a warning that he would punish anyone who slept with her, but it didn't stop a lot of guys from trying."

Shujaa shook his head in disbelief. “Maybe I should find these guys, feed them their balls.” Shujaa snarled.

"Your call. There is a list if you're interested," Ino shrugged, returning to his work. Shujaa looked at him, intrigued.

"Does this list come in the form of a written piece of paper or in the shape of a bunch of names that Terrell is going to list off for me?" Shujaa asked.

"The latter I'm afraid. You know the big guy doesn't write things down. That's one of the benefits of being a living computer, I guess. I can't say that I envy him. All that information has got to be overwhelming," Ino said, shaking his head.

Shujaa looked around. “Speaking of which, what is Terrell up to right now?”

"Apparently he's gathering more intel about that gang you attacked last night. He's been tracking movements on CCTV from known affiliates to see if he can pinpoint a general area their headquarters might be," Ino sighed. "When I last saw him he had about five screens on with five cameras on each, crazy bastard."

Shujaa shook his head."Fucking hell, that insane. Terrell never ceases to amaze me."

Ino and Shujaa's conversation was interrupted by the ding of the elevator. They both looked up to see Boss Nia and Terrell step off. Boss Nia had a huge scowl on her face.

“Ino, tell me, did our little redhead get into any more trouble last night?” Boss Nia demanded.

He cast a meaningful glance at Shujaa."No, not last night,"

"Good. I got a call from the Bosses last night. They are trying to challenge my ability to be in charge of the neutral ground. They say I've lost control of my Lieutenants and that the chaos she has been causing is undermining my positioning," Boss Nia fumed.

Ino scrunched up his face. "Is it that bad Boss? I thought Chrys was just stirring up some little brawls."

"Well, one of those little fights turned into a big mess when two rival gang members fought over her. Apparently one of them killed the other, and the Tetrad Council had to intervene to avoid a full-scale gang war. Still, that didn't stop some gang members from killing a few others in retaliation," Boss Nia said, clearly irritated. "Now they are trying to blame this all on me. They say I need to control Chrys or they will reconsider my position as Boss of the neutral zone. So tell me, what was she up to last night?"

Ino looked at Shujaa. “I’m going to let you take this one.”

Boss Nia turned her gaze to Shujaa. “Are you going to leave me in suspense?”

"I kept Chrys away from the bar, so she didn't cause any problems. Thought it might make up for failing to kill the leadership last night."

"That's a nice try Shujaa, but you had no idea how serious my problem with Chrys is. Try again. What happened." Boss Nia said, getting increasingly infuriated.

Shujaa rubbed the back of his head. "Well, that wasn't technically a lie. Let's just say Chrys, and I was a little… occupied… last night. It had the unintended consequences of keeping her from causing any more problems."

Boss Nia gave him a look of complete disappointment. "Ah, I see. Well, I'd rather have her occupied with you than her trying to get thugs to kill each other."

"I'd rather not have her be trying to fuck anything with a dick, to begin with, including me," Shujaa grumbled.

“Well that not going to happen Shujaa. Furthermore, until Chrys can get a handle of herself, you are to keep her very… occupied. Got it?” Boss Nia ordered.

“Did you just order me to fuck my partner to avoid her causing you problems? No fucking way!”

Boss Nia raised her eyebrow. "Better than me giving that order to someone else, don’t you think?"

Shujaa turned red. “I’m not some male prostitute to be ordered around! I think I can choose when and who I sleep with, thanks.”

Boss Nia rubbed the front of her teeth with her tongue. “You will be what I say you will be Shujaa. If I say you are a prostitute, you’re a prostitute. If I say you’re a stripper, you are gonna be walking that catwalk in a cowboy hat and daisy dukes, got it?”

"Damn it, Boss! This isn't just some regular order; you're getting involved in me and Chrys' private business. The dynamic between partners has always been…" Shujaa stopped mid-sentence suddenly and clutched his head. He fell to his knees, clenching his teeth. Boss Nia had raised one of her hands, holding it up nonchalantly as Shujaa writhed in agony. Shujaa started yelling out in pain. Ino and Terrell backed away from the two of them.

"Has been what, Shujaa? Private? There is nothing that you can keep secret from me. Nothing! Did you forget who was the boss here? What I say, goes, understood?" Boss Nia said, staring down at Shujaa with fierce eyes and a sadistic smile. Shujaa nodded desperately at her command, and Boss Nia released him. He collapsed, catching himself before he fell flat on the floor. Shujaa took deep breaths as he tried to recover. “Good. Don’t forget that.” Boss Nia turned her back on him and walked back to the elevator, taking it back up to her penthouse.

Ino moved to Shujaa’s side after Boss Nia had left. He helped Shujaa to his feet, putting one of Shujaa’s arms over his shoulder. “You really shouldn’t test her like that Shujaa. She has been using her power way more than she ever has before, even for the little things,” Shujaa shrugged him off.

Terrell looked at both of them, shaking his head disapprovingly at Shujaa. "Boss Nia has used her power 30 percent more often compared to last month. You should take that under advisory. You should also note that Boss Nia's ability scales relative to her anger and stress level. Her current level of agitation will lead to an increased amount of pain than usual."

“Any chance you could have told me that before I started mouthing off to her? I haven’t ever had her put that much pain on me before. I had no idea it could get that bad,” Shujaa groaned. Terrell raised an eyebrow.

“Like I just said…”

“I know, I know, power increases with her anger. Got that.”

“Also we had no way of knowing that you were going to defy her in such a bold manner. If we had, there is a good likelihood that we would have warned you.”

Shujaa grimaced, still having not fully recovered from the pain. "How did it get that bad? I mean I get having problems with Chrys, but she's always crazy. What's pissing her off so much?" Ino gave him a shrug. "Fine. I'm going to take a walk."

Shujaa went back to his room and put all of his gear on, being extra careful not to wake Chrys, who was still fast asleep. He left his room, holstered his gun, left the bar and stepped out into Bai Jian.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Wolfi
Review
Wolfi wrote a review · Sun Feb 26, 2017 10:19 pm

Happy Review Day!!!

Hello yet again! This chapter didn't have much wrong with it, so I apologize in advance if this review is on the shorter side.

"That's a nice try Shujaa, but you had no idea how serious my problem with Chrys is. Try again. What happened." Boss Nia said, getting increasingly infuriated.

Three things. First, like I've said before, I like when the dialogue tag is sooner. Second, "What happened" is a question and needs a question mark. Third, you need a comma at the end if you're sticking with the dialogue tag as it is.

That's the only typo I found, minus the ones regis already covered. Nice job on that!

I'm understanding Shujaa more and more, and I'm liking him more and more. I liked that he stood up for himself when the Boss essentially ordered him to be a prostitute, and he was resolute enough in his refusal to trigger her violent response. That shows that he cares for Chrys more than as just a sex partner. I honestly have no idea what he sees in her, but whatever. He's still loyal to her and is disappointed to hear all the trouble she caused with other men when he was gone. If I was him, I'd leave her in a heartbeat. But I think there's still things that I missed that explains why they're still partners. There has to be. I wonder if he's going to ask Terrell for "the list." I think he'd do better disposing of her rather than them!

I'm also curious why the Boss is so tolerant with Chrys even though she's clearly caused a lot of trouble. I also wonder why the Boss didn't ask Shujaa last night when she saw him to keep a better eye on her. Chrys has to be a pretty big asset for the Boss to be so intent on keeping her out of trouble. I don't know why she has to get mad at Shujaa instead of Chrys, either. Maybe it's impossible to threaten Chrys. From what I've seen, she loves being hurt. >.<

Nice chapter! Keep it up!
Wolfie

User avatar
Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review · Sun Feb 26, 2017 9:53 pm

Hey there, jimss23, and Happy Review Day!!

Light cracked through the window in Shujaa's room. Shujaa opened his eyes. He had been quietly meditating before the light of dawn came through his window.
You repeat yourself here, you only need to mention the morning light once. I really like it at the start, it's a good beginning to the chapter. Therefore I suggest you remove the bit after meditating.

Shujaa grumbled. Ino let out a half smile.
Ino gave him a quick smile.

Here is another instance where you repeat yourself. It creates a deja-vu moment for the reader, and puts them off track.

I mean you know how this place is. A whole bunch of dangerous thugs in here looking for a lady and she's flirting with everyone. It was chaos.
I like Chrys' character. From having read just a few paragraphs of one chapter, I think the whole story could be focussed around her and I wouldn't mind at all. She's thouroughly developed, detailed and unique.

Boss Nia turned her gaze to Shujaa. “Are you going to leave me in suspense?”
Something you do well is showing character's emotions through their dialogue. From the above bit, for example, I can tell that Boss Nia is very annoyed and impatiently awaiting an answer.

Shujaa went back to his room and put all of his gear on, being extra careful not to wake Chrys, who was still fast asleep. He left his room, holstered his gun, left the bar and stepped out into Bai Jian.
I like the way you finished the chapter. Sometimes it's great to end with a cliffhanger, other times it's best to wrap up the scene and end with a proper conclusion. You did the latter, whilst introducing the next chapter. And it worked well.

Overall, this is pretty good. Your characters 'progressed' and there was a good a mix of dialogue and narrative. If I had to change something, I would ask you to add some more progression from the outside world. Maybe he notices some banging on the window, and some thugs are angry about the previous fights and wanting to come in, but Nia won't let them. That might be better than Nia just saying they're unhappy. That's all I can offer in the way of suggestions though. Happy writing!

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regismare
Review

Hi, jimss23! regismare here on this lovely review day!

I apologise - I haven't read the earlier chapters to this piece, so sorry if I miss any big plot details or past explanations/context. Anyway, onwards with the review!

I really like your beginning and the way it shows everything waking up and getting back into daily life, which is especially good to show readers the atmosphere of the setting at a different time of day, after a different series of events. In the second paragraph, I feel like the bar could have had a little more description (what does the morning light do to the room? How does it smell?) but what you wrote gave a nice image of the mess, and of Ino's character and habits.

Shujaa is easily my favourite character in this - maybe because most of the attention is directed toward him - and I love how he's portrayed. His attitude is amusing and the way he interacts with everyone is so fun to read about.

You slipped little bits of what I presume to be Chrys' backstory (or, at least, what she did while Shujaa was gone), which is good, too. She strikes me as a girl with a lot of issues, who hides them all with drama and men - although, I could be wrong. I've only read this chapter, after all. I'd be really interested to see how she progresses throughout the story and to see how much she changes, to see if any of her - presumed - problems get resolved.

Now, for the nitpicks:

Shujaa's room. Shujaa opened his eyes.

You've used his name too many times too soon. He would do just fine.

Shujaa let out a soft groan.

This should probably be on another line or paragraph to separate it from Ino's dialogue.

Shujaa."No

Shujaa. "No...

head."Fucking

head. "Fucking...

You will be what I say you will be Shujaa

You will be what I say you will be, Shujaa.

30 percent

Usually, numbers are written in their word form - so, thirty percent.

power increases with her anger

I think it would read better if both power and anger matched, even with the articles attached to them. So, either her power increases with her anger, or power increases with anger.

Ino gave him a shrug. "Fine. I'm going to take a walk."

These two sentences should be separated, because Ino's shrug serves as her reply.

This was a really good read, and a pretty strong chapter. I hope my review helped in some way, and keep writing!

-regismare

Hey there.

Thanks for the review!

I hope you get the chance to read more!

Cheers

jimss



Paint me green and call me Shrek because I am swamped >.>
— Plume