Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
It was a frigid evening, the kind of cold that goes straight down to the bone. The fact that I was standing on top of a skyscraper didn’t help either.
For some reason, I could never get my head around, my boss likes meeting on top of the tallest building in the entire city. The wind rips around me at what must be at least thirty miles an hour. I can’t even keep a damn cigarette lit up here. So, I just shoved my hands in my pockets and waited.
The elevator ding lets me know that my boss was here. He stepped out onto the rooftop flanked by his guys. Four of them, all big as hell. Three of them looked to be simple body-modders, but the guy in the back was an exo-cyborg. I couldn’t see exactly how thick his armor was, but I could easily see the outline of it beneath his suit. Not only was his entire torso probably made of Plas-Carbon armor, but this guy’s entire jaw was metal. He was not the kind of cyborg you wanted to fuck with.
“What’s the job?” I demanded. I was not in the mood for chit-chat. It was too damn cold.
“Scientist. Dr. Xie. Her desire for results went too far. There were casualties. Punishment must be meted out,” he replied. He took out a small device from his pocket and tossed it to me. I caught it with one hand.
“China?” I asked. I hadn’t been to China in a while. Not since that business with Mr. Xuan.
My boss shook his head. “Japan. She was on loan from our Chinese branch.”
I nodded a few times. “Payment?”
“Same as always,” he answered.
“Done.”
With that, my boss and his men turned and went back into the elevator. After the door had closed, I looked at the device. It was a data chip. I popped open my cyber arm and put it in the data uplink. Information and files on Dr. Xie flooded my eyes. I skimmed over her history and other similar records. I was looking for the answer to the one question I ask every time.
What had this bitch done to warrant what was coming to her?
I found my answer in a file marked “Project Artemis”. I had heard about this project. I had been dispatched to clean up for it twice before. I opened the file and began reading.
Dr. Xie was the third lead scientist on this project. In an effort to avoid her predecessor's fate, she pushed her time table up too fast. XI Serum had none undergone proper procedures before it was implemented. The girls suffered serious side effects. Four girls are dead, and thirty others wounded after the first test subject had a violent rejection.
Our analysis was that Dr. Xie had greenlighted the test without regard to the lives of the subject. We are requesting that the asset is deployed.
-Mr. Amazake
He even asked for me personally to deal with her. Damn. She had messed up bad.
I pulled the data chip out of my arm and placed it into a pocket on my shoulder. I flicked on my mind-com and sent a signal to my team.
“We have an assignment. Wheels up in thirty.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
I don't have much to give criticism on because of the chapter length , but everything counts, right? I don't have much problem with this. Though since this is the first chapter, everything seems a bit confusing, but I feel it will be explained later on. But what really bothers me is the switching switching between past and present tenses. I would show examples, but some were already shown in the previous review.
Other than that, great job! I'll make sure to keep an eye on your profile and your stories!
Greetings! Let's get right into the review! This is kinda short so I doubt I will have much to say but every bit of feedback counts, right? My main criticism here is the tenses. By that I mean you have present and past tenses in the same paragraph or sentence. Here are two examples of such:
"For some reason, I could never get my head around, my boss liked meeting on top of the tallest building in the entire city. The wind rips around me at what must be at least thirty miles an hour. I can’t even keep a damn cigarette lit up here. So, I just shoved my hands in my pockets and waited.
The elevator ding lets me know that my boss was here. He stepped out onto the rooftop flanked by his guys. Four of them, all big as hell. Three of them looked to be simple body-modders, but the guy in the back was an exo-cyborg. I couldn’t see exactly how thick his armor was, but I could easily see the outline of it beneath his suit. Not only was his entire torso probably made of Plas-Carbon armor, but this guy’s entire jaw was metal. He was not the kind of cyborg you wanted to fuck with." In these examples, words including 'can't' and 'rips' as well as 'lets' are inconsistent with the past tenses also used alongside them, so suggest picking one and changing whichever ones are inconsistent. Minor details like that can slightly distract from an otherwise good piece of writing so just fix those errors as soon as you can.
“We have an assignment. Wheel's up in thirty.” Is the correct way to say this.
Criticisms aside, this was pretty neat. I cannot really say much about characters since we literally just met them and this was really short, but the narrator seems to have potential in becoming an cool character. You definitely provided an interesting in my opinion and I look forward to seeing what happens next. Keep writing!