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Something i want to tell you, but i never will... unless we get married. lol

by jf21


i wanna be with you

i can’t describe it

i’m compelled to you

maybe it’s fate or

maybe it’s just me

it’s probably just me 

i’m don’t think i’m over you 

you think i am

i think i am

well, i thought i was 

but i see you everyday 

and i wanna be with you 

i can’t help but think

that there was almost an us

i’m not over you 

i’m not sure i will ever be over you

i don’t know

how or why

i’ve never felt like this

i feel like it’s you

maybe it is

and maybe it isn’t

but i wanna be with you

more than words can explain

it’s you

i knew it was you

i know it’s you

i just want to be with you 

i’m not over you 


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Tue Jan 28, 2020 6:27 am
vagrant wrote a review...



Cute!!

I was instantly reminded of my crush when I read this xp. I feel exactly the same about her and so this poem was a very relatable read for me.

The structure and writing style is nice. It is very similar to my own writing style when I started. I like how it feels like the writer has scribbled these lines in his/her diary.

It was a very nice and warm read so kudos to you!

Cheers!

p.s. I hope your crush starts liking you back xp




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Sun Jan 26, 2020 11:13 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



This is a really interesting piece - it's got the typical heart-break / not-over-him vibes but you didn't try to stick that into a formal poetry scheme and really embraced the casualness of the idea. It feels very open and honest, and a bit like a text message you might receive from a friend. The title felt extremely rediculous - but like EternalRain said, I think the title made me curious enough to read it too.

I have a few suggestions:

1) Throw some metaphors in here! Not every poem needs rhyme, or formal language, or stanza breaks - but metaphor is really the bread and butter of poetry, it allows for the author to say more than just what's written on the page. I think you could fit in some metaphors in here that could still feel casual and light, while expounding on the emotion and creativity of the piece. As the piece is, a lot of these lines felt like things I could read elsewhere. Throwing in figurative language helps bring a poem up a level and make it yours.

2) I'd love to see what this piece would look like if you ditched the line-breaks and wrote it in the same style as the title. Right now it felt pretty gushy, but I think it could be even more-so, and that would add to the style and originality of it. Writing it in the same style as the title might be off-putting for some, but I think it would create some interesting results!

3) I think you can condense! What you say in the poem is pretty basic, I don't think you need a lot of words to explain the idea's your expressing, but it felt a bit repetitive and that were almost a few tangents. Get to the heart of what you want to say, and delete anything that doesn't support that. It'll make the poem really pack a punch, because everything will be pointed in one direction.

4) I say this in almost every relationship poem I review, but we need to know why these two people liked each other. Was the boy cute? Was he kind? How'd they meet? We don't need every detail of their relationship, but some concrete detail makes a world of difference - if there is no concrete reason for why they liked each other, it's hard to have empathy for the speaker and makes it feel like the poem is theoretical instead of real. Sometimes people leave ambiguity in their poem because they think it's like a blank-slate that other's can fill in with their own stories, but it tends to end up staying a blank slate - where the reader can't connect. To phrase another way, if you wrote an ode about how much you loved your dog, I would expect some line to indicate something about your dog, like the breed or his personality - in a love poem, there should also be details about the subject, or else it feels very abstract. If you're interested in this topic, I've written an article on specificity in poetry that is in the Knowledge Base that you can check out.

Overall an interesting poem, I'm excited to read more of your work, and I hope you keep up the creativity!

- alliyah

Happy Review Day




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Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:30 am
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EternalRain says...



I really liked this. The vibes from the title were what drew me in (I love??? that title? It's weird but it's good and great) and I love the simple repetition and how it read almost as scattered thoughts or nervous ramblings. Overall, got me in a Mood.




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Mon Jan 13, 2020 4:34 am
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Clairia says...



this hit different




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Mon Jan 13, 2020 4:08 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hey FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this sunny day.

Okay let's begin.

So out of this poem I only saw two small things that could be fixed, if you want to, if you don't it doesn't really matter.

The first thing is this.

i’m not sure i will ever be over

you

This just feels a little off with the 'you' being on a knew sentence. To make the flow a little better, I would join it up with the sentence above, being they go together anyway. And it will give this a better flow because while I was reading, and this part came up, it kind of stopped the really good flow you had going.

The other thing I saw, that if you don't agree don't worry about it, but I saw you were repeating a lot of the same words, now I don't know poetry so well in that part, bit I think it would be better if you change some of them, but if you don't agree don't worry about it.

But other than those small things I really liked this poem, I didn't really get the meaning behind the name until I started reading the poem, but that's not a problem. Lol I do like the flow you did put into this peace, and the deep emotions were also great. I just loved this poem, and I look forward to more from you, so never top writing.

I hope have a great day and keep writing, sorry if this review didn't seem so good, I haven't reviewed in a while. XD I'll try and do more soon. Have a wonderful day and post again soon.

Your friend
FlamingPhoeix

Reviewing with a fiery passion!




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Mon Jan 13, 2020 1:16 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there jf21! Welcome to YWS! Niteowl here with a quick review.

Oh man, the classic "I want to move on but can't" poem. It's highly relatable because we've all been there, wanting someone who doesn't want us back. Heck, I'm writing a whole long poetry series about that very subject.

i can’t help but think

that there was almost an us


This is your best line in the poem. It feels like it could be a strong beginning because it's the central message of your poem. Then you could expand upon it to make a more interesting story.

That said, I think this poem falls into a common pitfall: it's a lot of feeling and relatable statements, but not much for the reader to hold on to. There's thousands of heartbreak poems out there. What makes the good ones stick out are the images, the details that make it your story and not someone else's. I want to see what happens when the speaker sees the ex, what she says or does to convince him she's over him, what it is about him that she just can't get over.

Overall, I think there's a lot of emotion and the bones of a story and I'd love to see more images and sensory details to make it stand out more. Keep writing! :D




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Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:59 pm
jf21 says...



i felt that





You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote