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Something i want to tell you, but i never will... unless we get married. lol

by jf21


i wanna be with you

i can’t describe it

i’m compelled to you

maybe it’s fate or

maybe it’s just me

it’s probably just me 

i’m don’t think i’m over you 

you think i am

i think i am

well, i thought i was 

but i see you everyday 

and i wanna be with you 

i can’t help but think

that there was almost an us

i’m not over you 

i’m not sure i will ever be over you

i don’t know

how or why

i’ve never felt like this

i feel like it’s you

maybe it is

and maybe it isn’t

but i wanna be with you

more than words can explain

it’s you

i knew it was you

i know it’s you

i just want to be with you 

i’m not over you 


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Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:30 am
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EternalRain says...



I really liked this. The vibes from the title were what drew me in (I love??? that title? It's weird but it's good and great) and I love the simple repetition and how it read almost as scattered thoughts or nervous ramblings. Overall, got me in a Mood.




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Mon Jan 13, 2020 4:34 am
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Daughter says...



this hit different




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Mon Jan 13, 2020 4:08 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hey FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this sunny day.

Okay let's begin.

So out of this poem I only saw two small things that could be fixed, if you want to, if you don't it doesn't really matter.

The first thing is this.

i’m not sure i will ever be over

you

This just feels a little off with the 'you' being on a knew sentence. To make the flow a little better, I would join it up with the sentence above, being they go together anyway. And it will give this a better flow because while I was reading, and this part came up, it kind of stopped the really good flow you had going.

The other thing I saw, that if you don't agree don't worry about it, but I saw you were repeating a lot of the same words, now I don't know poetry so well in that part, bit I think it would be better if you change some of them, but if you don't agree don't worry about it.

But other than those small things I really liked this poem, I didn't really get the meaning behind the name until I started reading the poem, but that's not a problem. Lol I do like the flow you did put into this peace, and the deep emotions were also great. I just loved this poem, and I look forward to more from you, so never top writing.

I hope have a great day and keep writing, sorry if this review didn't seem so good, I haven't reviewed in a while. XD I'll try and do more soon. Have a wonderful day and post again soon.

Your friend
FlamingPhoeix

Reviewing with a fiery passion!




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Mon Jan 13, 2020 1:16 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there jf21! Welcome to YWS! Niteowl here with a quick review.

Oh man, the classic "I want to move on but can't" poem. It's highly relatable because we've all been there, wanting someone who doesn't want us back. Heck, I'm writing a whole long poetry series about that very subject.

i can’t help but think

that there was almost an us


This is your best line in the poem. It feels like it could be a strong beginning because it's the central message of your poem. Then you could expand upon it to make a more interesting story.

That said, I think this poem falls into a common pitfall: it's a lot of feeling and relatable statements, but not much for the reader to hold on to. There's thousands of heartbreak poems out there. What makes the good ones stick out are the images, the details that make it your story and not someone else's. I want to see what happens when the speaker sees the ex, what she says or does to convince him she's over him, what it is about him that she just can't get over.

Overall, I think there's a lot of emotion and the bones of a story and I'd love to see more images and sensory details to make it stand out more. Keep writing! :D




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Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:59 pm
jf21 says...



i felt that





I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest