Published July 30, 2011
In the small town that I live in, a young boy died a few years ago. His parents made it a mission to teach our town about safety. So every year they have a contest. This is my poem for safety! Any suggestions to make it better??
As I head out the door,
I hear my mom yell,
"Be careful, wear your seatbelt!"
She always says this to me,
as if I am a child.
Doesn't she know I'm 17?
I get into my friends 95 ford,
Oh man, how I love this car.
We race down the highway,
He has a beer in his hand,
No one sees that eighteen wheeler.
Five in the car,
one dead,
three injured badly,
and one alive, just a few scratches.
Most people said it was a mircale,
The doctors couldn't believe it,
My mom kept thanking God.
I was the one who came out unharmed.
As I look back,
I'm glad I listened to my mother,
I even say those words to my own kids.
It's amazing if you do listen to your mother,
because after all,
She's always right.
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140,283 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
I loved the poem. I just don't like the 'school safety' theme, (That's just me, though). The beginning definately captured the mindset of a teenager very well. It was well written, with only a couple grammatical errors previously pointed out.
Definitely a lesson learned in that poem, but sees should be used instead of see's. Other than that, a good poem. I hope you win/won that contest. As well all should know, safety is a very important thing and we should always listen to our parents as they probably have some experience in a lot of subjects including safety.
Really good poem. To make it more powerful I'd describe the injuries of the others more just to make the message more important to the reader.
Good job! x
Hey Jessie! Who's the kid who died a few years ago? This is really nice, and I like how it turned into a lesson about your mother always being right. It's so dreadfully true! My only suggestion is to put an apostrophe after "friend." Really nice and I hope you win! What do you win, anyway?
-Abigail
Frankly speaking I do appreciate the idea. this literary work looks like a piece of advice or let's say a lesson learned the hard way. We should listen to parents specially mothers because I feel sometimes that they have got the sixth sense. Any way to sum up I'd like to say, thank God you are being saved miraculously. Other than this, I don't have any opinion to give concerning the form, techniques and stanzas.
Very well written...how true your message is as well. Your first stanza perfectly captures the invincible teenage mindset. I really liked this, aside from the morbid topic.
Just a few nit picks:
this should be "sees" instead of "see's"
This should probably be "who came out unharmed". Just forgot a word in there, I assume. Great Job:)