It's been a while since I've posted, even though there hasn't been a day in weeks where I didn't write something...Reviews are loved and needed! Please and Thank you!
Blurring Chromatics
Up in the White
Blinding lights
Voices, dizzying,
Blur into bells
A constant, shrill,
Ringing in my ears
Unnatural highs
Leave me to Gray.
Sometimes a Glimpse
Just a glimpse of Green.
Of in-between
Of normal.
But Green's hard to hold,
It flickers
And fades
And I'm back
Blurring chromatics.
Down to Blue,
Silent, so silent
Subtle shades of blue
Blurring to black.
I'm screaming so loud
In my head,
"Say Something!"
It's frightening, the dark,
Silence so unnerving.
Too quiet, Too dark,
Blue, too blue.
And then
Gray.
Just blurring figures
Passing, Rushing,
And me, motionless,
Staring to the center.
Blurring
Numbing
Nothingness.
That's gray,
Nothing.
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140,165 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi, Jenni.
I like the idea of using the colors in this poem, and I like that you didn't just go with 'omg, red means love now there's red so i love you lalala'. But I think this poem needs a little more. I think that, not only at the end, it dragged through the whole thing. Which is odd, because with all the link breaks, you think it would hurry us along in its choppiness, but it doesn't.
My recommendations are:
- to write this poem out as prose and punctuation as if it were a piece of prose, then break it back up again so that you can be sure you have the correct punctuation.
- to rewrite this poem avoiding the repetition of the words 'too' or 'so', and try to get that overwhelming feeling with the poetry itself, rather than relying on those words.
- to, when you rewrite this poem, attempt to go further into the colors, into images of those colors, perhaps, or other dimensions of the colors, so that the reader gets the feel of the blurriness, the whirl, and the franticness.
- to PM me if you have questions or if/when you post another version of this poem.
-Hannah-
Interesting poem and really dramatic, but I think it should be cut a little shorter. To me, it started out a bold poem, but the further it went on the more it lost that momentum. Still, it was good.