You Just Don't listen
You are perfect , perfect for me and I know it. You are everything I want in a guy and then some. You are sweet kind and loving, you mean more to me than anyone. You are handsome, with perfect looks from head to toe. I love all your quirky habits especially the one where you chew on your bottom lip when you are nervous or under pressure or your fake laugh you use when your sad.
Though I feel this way you are with her. This breaks my heart it really does because she doesn't know you like me. She doesn't care for you like I do. When I try to prove this to you ,you don't listen if you would just listen. You will hear the sounds of silent sobs that belong to me because she's ruining you and I have to stand back and watch.
You don't hear these things I am saying because you are blinded by her, by her lies, her deceit the way she treats your relationship when your not around. But you wouldn't see that would you !! Though they all talk you don't hear it!! You don't listen to them or me !! YOU JUST DON'T LISTEN
This is really short but it was just a feeling that I needed to write about and I liked it so I decided to submit it !!!
Please review though because I want to hear feed back so I can maybe go off of this !!!
- Jedigeek
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you !!!
Raw emotion is just spilling from your poem. Honestly love, there wasn't enough.. detail or description. I see where your coming from on this, and the feelings very known to me trust me. But make that feeling known to the readers. Sit down and think about every emotion you feel when you see her with him, all the things that flow through you, all the thoughts. Then write it out. Just like drawing you have to sketch it before you get a final peice and I believe the same rule applys to writing. You have skill it seeps through your words, but you need to use all your skill. I think you let your emotions get the best of you, you seemed angry when writing this? Go back and revise it, it's pretty now but make it dashing darling(;.
All my love,
-Rememberme
My corrections are in red.
I really like the premise of this story. There are some grammer mistakes I fixed and a couple sentences just seem awkward. If you fix those couple of things it will be great! Keep writing.
This seems like a really short story. I feel as though, it's not totally complete. The whole story isn't told yet.
I think that this story has the potential to be turned into something longer. Like Snoink said, why is 'she' so bad? What did she do? Why doesn't he know this? What makes him so blind? Tell us more, give us some sort of insight into their daily lives.
I'd also like to touch a bit on your grammar. Particularly towards the end.
You need a full stop there. I noticed that you used double exclamation marks, I don't think they're needed. They look a bit excessive and over-theatrical. One exclamation mark is fine. Also, the all caps. I'm not really a big fan of them. I know you're trying to make is feels as though it's begin shouted from frustration. But I don't think that capitalisation is the way. I'd try to create the impact with the phrasing of words rather than capitalisation.
So, I'd like to end by saying that I think you can definitely put more into this story.
Yay for submitting things that you like!
Keep writing!
Okay, this may just be me, but I really, really like juicy stories full of tons of drama. For instance, when I was reading this, I was thinking, "Oh my gosh! What else does she like about him?! Do they have any personal history together?! Where did they first meet?! Do they have anything in common?!" You know, stuff like that. So, I want to have an idea of how they are as a couple so I can determine whether they would be good together or whether it would be an unadulterated disaster!
Similarly, I want to know all the story with his girlfriend, aka the evil succubus. What exactly makes her so awful? How does she lie to him? Deceive him? Is she cheating on him? With whom? Why? Those sorts of details would help me figure out whether I can truly hate his girlfriend or not... and also it would deepen the level of hate that I have for such a woman, were she to be really bad, lol. But yeah! I would definitely like to see how she is ruining him.
I also want to see why he lets her... I mean, obviously you don't know exactly why because it's not in his perspective. But, I want to know your main character's thoughts on how he would allow himself to be in such an abusive relationship.
Anyway, those are just a couple of thoughts.