Published November 28, 2008
Hunger, hunger everywhere, the whole world is in despair. Because even though the smell of food fills the air, there is not even a bite to spare.
or
Hunger, hunger everywhere, empty stomachs in despair. And even though the smell of food fills the air there is not even a crumb to spare.
Thnx for reading, bye
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hello jcloud14!
I did a video critique for you. Basically, Sgt Salt (mi hermanita!) and I read your poems out loud, and then we commented on them. By the way, we like a mixture of the two, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Anyway, here it is!
http://revver.com/video/1348237/affilia ... ke-better/
If you can't see it or you have more questions, just give me a PM and I'll try to make it so that you can understand my critique.
The word "because" really gets to me in the first one. It seems to mess up the rhythm set up by the first sentence.
As for the second one, which I agree is the better one, it still seems cluttered. I'd suggest taking out at least one of the instances where you say "even" in the second sentence.
"Though the smell of food fills the air there is not a crumb to spare."
has more rhythm, to me, than:
removed
Short poetry is not bad poetry, but neither of these are particularly good.
There is little emotion, no imaginary, and nothing real to grasp here. Give me more, I want to feel what the hunger feels like. Simply saying the words doesn't give me that at all.
The line "empty stomachs in despair" makes little sense to me, how can a stomach be in despair? I didn't know that a human organ was capable of such complex emotions.
Perhaps expand a little more on what the hunger feels like, and go into *why* you are hungry. *Why* is the world in despair? I need more than, "The world is hungry and sad" I want to know why.
What tragic event has lead to this hunger? What does the hunger feel like? Why does the air smell like food if there is no food? You need to give more here.
Also, I suggest spelling "which" correct in your title
Best of luck
OverEasy
I'd say I prefer the first one for including the whole world, but the second one sounds better. I don't know, these are a bit short to judge.