Untouched Ch. 2

Can't wait to read the next installment ...
& I apologise in advance if I've repeated anything already said - I haven't looked at the other reviews, I was too eager to read this

jasmine12 wrote: Father Down gave my father directions to the lawyer’s office. There weren’t any other people there to mourn Great Aunt Sue, although I did see a few kids around my age around the cemetery. They probably just wanted to see what was going on.
One of the boys was really really cute. He had long sandy blonde hair and he looked very well built. He was tall and had a tight preppy t-shirt on. I caught him looking at me, but I turned and blushed. I barley had on any makeup. I didn’t want anyone to see me looking like a scrub.

The lawyer’s office was connected to an ice cream shop. There were apartment buildings on top of the building. The entire street was lined with buildings the same way. There was a vet/doctors office at the beginning, then a market/dinner, then four of five discount clothing stores. I wouldn’t be able to wear second hand cloths. Thank God I don’t live here.
Inside, it smelt like old leather and cigars. There was a small sitting room with two arm chairs and a bench by the door. An old lady was sitting at the desk flipping through an old magazine. She popped her gum as Bailey opened to door.
“Hi, I’m Travis Caine. I got a phone call to come down here after Sue’s funeral.” [you need to specify who said this]
The lady popped her gum again and chomped on it like a cow. [haha, love it!] “Fred! Davis’ nephew is here!” she yelled over her shoulder.
There was a loud cough from behind the door and it opened. [s]I[/s] A cloud of cigar smoke filed out of the office and into the sitting room. A large guy, around the belly area, popped his half bald head out. “Travis, nice to see you. Come in, come in.”
I took Bailey’s hand again and followed my father into the office. There was a desk in the middle of the room and around the walls were book shelves and filing cabinets. My father sat in one of the arm chairs in front of the desk and Bailey took the other. I stood by his side.
“I am deeply sorry for your loss, Travis. Sue was a very nice woman since I can remember.” He laughed a deep chuckle. “But to business. She didn’t name anyone other than you in her will. She left you her property in town, Beaufort Manor, and all of its contents. Like furniture and whatever else is in there.” He shifted through some papers on his desk and opened up an envelope.
“It is up to you if you want to sell the estate or live there. It says here,” he put on a pair of glasses that made his eyes bug out. “That it was just renovated up to code last year. The entire kitchen was redone and all of the windows replaced. The house has a lot of its original wood. Being that it’s so old, not many would want to touch it.”
“Is it worth much?” my father asked, leaning forward.
“Well, it is a very old manor so that fluctuates. If you find a buyer that likes antiques, then it could be worth a lot, otherwise about four hundred and fifty thousand. Not many people like small towns like ours. We have a very nice school system, but some years there aren’t enough kids in a grade to create a whole class. Plus, that house gives everyone the heeby geebies.”
I had a hard time keeping a laugh in. I thought people stopped saying ’heeby geebies’ in the fifties. Lawyer guy noticed my smirk and started talking to just me. “You think I’m kidding? Check it out for yourselves.” He handed a piece of paper to my father. “Then we’ll see whose laughing.” He smiled and led us out the door.
We didn’t go to Beaufort Manor that afternoon. Well, I didn’t anyway. My father was furious with me for ‘embarrassing’ him in front of the lawyer so he made me stay at the hotel while he and Bailey checked it out.
I ended up falling asleep from the boredom. Being alone with nothing to do and no TV had a tendency to do that to me. I had a strange dream, one that I’ve been having since I heard the news of Great Aunt Sue’s passing.
I’m standing in a dark room that is lit by a fire. There is a boy with light brown hair standing in front of it. His back is always turned to me so I’ve never seen his face. He is tall and skinny with broad shoulders. His hair was a mess but still looks trendy from this side. Normally, he wears jeans and a long sleeved collard shirt. But this time, he was wearing a black suit.
He was trembling as if he were crying. I wanted to reach out to touch him but my body wouldn’t move. I tried to speak but something, like a lump in my throat, was blocking anything from escaping my lips.
He turned, but not to me. He sat on an old red couch that hadn’t been there a moment ago. It looked antique with strange patterns sown into it. A large cloud of dust came up and he coughed and swiped at it.
From the lighting of the fireplace, I could only see shadows dance along his face and body. The boy had perfect chiseled features. But his eyes were burrowed by his frown. He put his face in his hands and stared to sob. Once again, I tried to do something to help comfort him but it was as if I was bound and gagged to a chair, forced to watch this boy’s misery.
I felt so helpless. I tried to scream but the only sound that came out was like the noise that the chick from The Grudge [this should be in italics as it's a name of a film] makes. The boy looked up [comma here] startled. He had the most beautiful golden eyes I’ve ever seen. And they were piercing right through me like thousands of tiny pieces of glass [nice!]. He didn’t seem mad that I was there, his crooked grin made him look almost glad.
Off in the distance I heard my name being called. We both heard it. He looked around the dark room but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. Then he looked back at me and said my name, “Genevieve.”
He smiled, but the room was fading as if the fire was being put out. Then everything was black.
I woke with a jolt, the covers being all tangled, choked me. I lay back down and attempted to get loose. Another set of hands helped set me free. I felt my arms and I had sweat while I was sleeping [awkward sentence - try re-phrasing].
I looked around me [comma here] trying to figure out where I was. The room seemed to be a complete blur. My father was sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Still not completely coherent, I replied, “Yes, why wouldn’t I be?”
He shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe because you where talking in your sleep. I thought you were done with that.”
I sat straight up alarmed. My eyes were so wide they stung. What could he have heard? “What did I say?” I almost shouted.
He smiled, “Nothing completely insane, just the word ‘fire’ over and over again. When did you start talking in your sleep again?”
“I don’t know. I’m not really awake when it happens.” I could have said it nicer but the dream was still on my mind, disturbing me.
He stood up. “I talked with my boss today, told him about Beaufort Manor.”
“Oh?” I stood up too. We went to the kitchen [aren't they in a hotel?] to get a snack.
“He said that if we wanted to sell our place and move here, he could transfer me to the local company. I wouldn’t be doing the same thing I do now, I would be the boss.”
“A promotion?” I asked.
“Yeah. What do you think?”
My heart sank. What do I think? I think that’s a crazy idea. Us living in an old house where some old thing lived and died in. That’s the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard of. Did he even hear lawyer guy? He said that there was [s]like[/s] no one living here. It’s a dead town. There is no point in moving here.
He must have noticed my contorted expression. “I think it’s smart. Since the gas prices are up so high, a shorter commute is the best, and gives you a chance to meet new people in school.”
I scoffed, “Yeah [comma here] all of five kids! You can’t be serious about moving here. This place is like hillbilly town. There are no malls, no real stores that aren’t like the Salvation Army. They probably call soda ‘pop.’ I mean gosh who says ‘heeby geebies’ anyway?
“You aren’t coherent [already used this word - try another]. This isn’t like you, you aren’t thinking rationally. What about Bailey? Do you really want him to live in a town like this? To grow up with a vocabulary smaller than the one he already has?” I could feel my face getting red and my voice started to crack. I sat down and put my head in my hands and let the tears fall.
I heard him sigh, “Genevieve. I have already talked to Bailey about this and he isn’t even half upset as you are. He is actually excited about this.”
“That’s because he is only eight. He will agree to anything you say is right. He doesn’t know what he wants.”
“I think he is a little smarter then you give him credit for.”
I scoffed again and brought my head up. “And how long do you think that will last in this school. Have you checked out their curriculum yet? These people might not know any more about anything then I do[insert full stop]”
“Genevieve, enough! This isn’t just about you; this is a very good opportunity for me. You are being way too unreasonable and I won’t tolerate it. This is my decision because I am the adult. You only have to finish your junior and senior years and then do what ever you want. But for now, we are moving into Beaufort Manor. Do you understand me?” His face was burning red and there was a vein on the side of his forehead that was throbbing. It does that when he is angry.
“Yes.” [nice way to end (: ]

As promised, I went through this chapter as well. I didn't look at the other reviews, so sorry for any repeats, but I think you would have edited it, so I may have caught some the others didn't. I'm liking the story alot!


I'm at school right now, haha, film class, I dont do anything in this class so why not edit? I will edit maybe a couple mroe when i get home later tonight.


Write on my page and lemme know what you thought of my edits.


: ]

-Jess

jasmine12 wrote:Edited for length. Basically, second part of the longer chapter two. Yes i know this is confusing everyone.



Chapter Two
The Dream

Father Down gave my father directions to the lawyer’s office. There weren’t any other people there to mourn Great Aunt Sue, although I did see a few kids around my age around the cemetery. They probably just wanted to see what was going on.
One of the boys was really really cute.Comma after the first really. He had long sandy blonde hair and he looked very well built. He was tall and had a tight preppy t-shirt on. I caught him looking at me, but I turned and blushed. I barley had on any makeup. I didn’t want anyone to see me looking like a scrub.

The lawyer’s office was connected to an ice cream shop. There were apartment buildings on top of the building. The entire street was lined with buildings the same way. There was a vet/doctors office at the beginning, then a market/dinner, Dinner is like the mealtime, I think you mean Diner, which is a small restaurant. then four of five discount clothing stores. I wouldn’t be able to wear second hand cloths. Thank God I don’t live here.Add a ! to add more to it!
Inside, it smelt like old leather and cigars. There was a small sitting room with two arm chairs and a bench by the door. An old lady was sitting at the desk flipping through an old magazine. She popped her gum as Bailey opened to door. As bailey opened to door? I think you meant as bailey opened the door.
“Hi, I’m Travis Caine. I got a phone call to come down here after Sue’s funeral.”
The lady popped her gum again and chomped on it like a cow. “Fred! Davis’ nephew is here!” she yelled over her shoulder.
There was a loud cough from behind the door and it opened. I cloud of cigar smoke filed out of the office and into the sitting room. A large guy, around the belly area, popped his half bald head out. “Travis, nice to see you. Come in, come in.” A lawyer would be much more professional, no matter where he was located. For the first time speaking to him, he would say Mr. Caine.
I took Bailey’s hand again and followed my father into the office. There was a desk in the middle of the room and around the walls were book shelves and filing cabinets. My father sat in one of the arm chairs in front of the desk and Bailey took the other. I stood by his side.
“I am deeply sorry for your loss, Travis. Again, it should be Mr. Caine Sue was a very nice woman since I can remember.” He laughed a deep chuckle. “But to business. She didn’t name anyone other than you in her will. She left you her property in town, Beaufort Manor, and all of its contents. Like furniture and whatever else is in there.” He shifted through some papers on his desk and opened up an envelope.
“It is up to you if you want to sell the estate or live there. It says here,” he put on a pair of glasses that made his eyes bug out. “That it was just renovated up to code last year. The entire kitchen was redone and all of the windows replaced. The house has a lot of its original wood. Being that it’s so old, not many would want to touch it.”
“Is it worth much?” my father asked, leaning forward.
“Well, it is a very old manor so that fluctuates. If you find a buyer that likes antiques, then it could be worth a lot, otherwise about four hundred and fifty thousand. Not many people like small towns like ours. We have a very nice school system, but some years there aren’t enough kids in a grade to create a whole class. Plus, that house gives everyone the heeby geebies.”
I had a hard time keeping a laugh in. I thought people stopped saying ’heeby geebies’ in the fifties. Lawyer guy noticed my smirk and started talking to just me. “You think I’m kidding? Check it out for yourselves.” He handed a piece of paper to my father. “Then we’ll see whose laughing.” He smiled and led us out the door.
Have Mr. Caine give a goodbye. It will close the scene
We didn’t go to Beaufort Manor that afternoon. Well, I didn’t anyway. My father was furious with me for ‘embarrassing’ him in front of the lawyer so he made me stay at the hotel while he and Bailey checked it out.
I ended up falling asleep from the boredom. Being alone with nothing to do and no TV had a tendency to do that to me. I had a strange dream, one that I’ve been having since I heard the news of Great Aunt Sue’s passing. maybe add what she thinks of these dreams?
I’m standing in a dark room that is lit by a fire. There is a boy with light brown hair standing in front of it. His back is always turned to me so I’ve never seen his face. He is tall and skinny with broad shoulders. His hair was a mess but still looks trendy from this side. Normally, he wears jeans and a long sleeved collard shirt. But this time, he was wearing a black suit.
He was trembling as if he were crying. I wanted to reach out to touch him but my body wouldn’t move. I tried to speak but something, like a lump in my throat, was blocking anything from escaping my lips.
He turned, but not to me. He sat on an old red couch that hadn’t been there a moment ago. It looked antique with strange patterns sown into it. A large cloud of dust came up and he coughed and swiped at it.
From the lighting of the fireplace, I could only see shadows dance along his face and body.I like that you used the word dance. It add to the scene of a fire, like fire dances and flares. The boy had perfect chiseled features. But his eyes were burrowed by his frown. He put his face in his hands and stared to sob. Once again, I tried to do something to help comfort him but it was as if I was bound and gagged to a chair, forced to watch this boy’s misery. I've never heard of anyone being gagged to a chair, I would suggest using a different word.
I felt so helpless. I tried to scream but the only sound that came out was like the noise that the chick from The Grudge makes. The boy looked up startled. He had the most beautiful golden eyes I’ve ever seen. And they were piercing right through me like thousands of tiny pieces of glass. He didn’t seem mad that I was there, his crooked grin made him look almost glad.
Off in the distance I heard my name being called. We both heard it. He looked around the dark room but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. Then he looked back at me and said my name, “Genevieve.”
He smiled, but the room was fading as if the fire was being put out. Then everything was black.
I woke with a jolt, the covers being all tangled, choked me. I lay back down and attempted to get loose. Another set of hands helped set me free. I felt my arms and I had sweat while I was sleeping.
I looked around me trying to figure out where I was. The room seemed to be a complete blur. My father was sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Still not completely coherent, I replied, “Yes, why wouldn’t I be?” Maybe you could use a casual word liek yeah, rather than Yes. [.b]
He shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe because you where talking in your sleep. I thought you were done with that.”[b]End that sentence with a question mark. I thought you were done with that?
I sat straight up alarmed. My eyes were so wide they stung. What could he have heard? “What did I say?” I almost shouted.
He smiled, “Nothing completely insane, just the word ‘fire’ over and over again. When did you start talking in your sleep again?”
“I don’t know. I’m not really awake when it happens.” I could have said it nicer but the dream was still on my mind, disturbing me.
He stood up. “I talked with my boss today, told him about Beaufort Manor.”
“Oh?” I stood up too. We went to the kitchen to get a snack.again, small motel with a kitchen in the room? Where is this place, I wanna stay!
“He said that if we wanted to sell our place and move here, he could transfer me to the local company. I wouldn’t be doing the same thing I do now, I would be the boss.”
“A promotion?” I asked.
“Yeah. What do you think?”
My heart sank. What do I think? I think that’s a crazy idea. Us living in an old house where some old thing lived and died in. That’s the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard of. Did he even hear lawyer guy? He said that there was like no one living here. It’s a dead town. There is no point in moving here.
He must have noticed my contorted expression. “I think it’s smart. Since the gas prices are up so high, a shorter commute is the best, and gives you a chance to meet new people in school.”
I scoffed, “Yeah all of five kids! You can’t be serious about moving here. This place is like hillbilly town. There are no malls, no real stores that aren’t like the Salvation Army. They probably call soda ‘pop.’ I mean gosh who says ‘heeby geebies’ anyway?Oops! You forgot the second set of quotation marks.
“You aren’t coherent.Coherent isnt the right word, coherent is like your not able to listen, you cant listen. I would use something like you are being absurd! This isn’t like you, you aren’t thinking rationally. What about Bailey? Do you really want him to live in a town like this? To grow up with a vocabulary smaller than the one he already has?” I could feel my face getting red and my voice started to crack. I sat down and put my head in my hands and let the tears fall.
I heard him sigh, “Genevieve. I have already talked to Bailey about this and he isn’t even half upset as you are. He is actually excited about this.”
“That’s because he is only eight. He will agree to anything you say is right. He doesn’t know what he wants.”
“I think he is a little smarter then you give him credit for.”
I scoffed again and brought my head up. “And how long do you think that will last in this school. Have you checked out their curriculum yet? These people might not know any more about anything then I do”
“Genevieve, enough! This isn’t just about you; this is a very good opportunity for me. You are being way to unreasonable and I won’t tolerate it. This is my decision because I am the adult. You only have to finish your junior and senior years and then do what ever you want. But for now, we are moving into Beaufort Manor. Do you understand me?” His face was burning red and there was a vein on the side of his forehead that was throbbing. It does that when he is angry.
“Yes.”

Continuation.

Well, interesting. I like where you’re going with this, there’s a plot developing. But I think it could have been written better, you know?

I mean, I loved the first chapter. That one was awesome. And this one isn’t like that one. Hmm. It’s like you wrote this as fast as you could, just to have it done… I don’t know, don’t get me wrong - I liked it, but it could have been better. I know that. I saw the last chapter.


Notes taken while reading:

-> Dialogue punctuation needs to be improved. But to that you just get used to after a while, so no problem.

-> I’m lost in the house. I don’t really care for where every room is, and how you can enter that particular room - perhaps you have a floor plan, but I don’t. I don’t know where every room is, I don’t remember. A lot of description was dedicated toward that, and, truthfully, I would’ve just skipped it.

-> The school scene was a little stiff. Unrealistic. I think it should be slowed down, and made more in-depth.


Other than that - okay, but just not up to a standard that you’ve set.

Jasmine,

Ello again. Hopefully you are you’re fine on this cloudy, cloudy day - well, night. But cloudy it still is… And it rained today, you know? And I forgot to take my umbrella…


Quote:
I pictured this dramatic exit, where everyone came up to tell me how much they liked me and how I was such a good friend, even if I didn’t know them.
You overuse “this”. Personally, I don’t think this looks too good, even if it is a teenage girl narrating.


Quote:
I saw people giving me their numbers so I could call them from my new town and dish about all the cute boys, how few there may be. I
“however few there may be”. Also, consider: “I could almost see (…)” After all, this didn’t happen, did it? It’s more in the sphere of daydreaming and all that.


Quote:
I woke up on the floor, exhausted and sore from all of the packing I’ve done the past week.
“in the past week”, I think.


Quote:
Bailey didn’t have school today so I let him sleep on his little sleeping bag
Comma before “so”.


Quote:
My father was nice enough to leave out leftovers from the day before for me for breakfast.
That was ironic? Eh…


Quote:
I didn’t need to lie about not eating it, the eggs looked alive and the bacon was as hard as a rock.
Run-on, consider using a dash.


Quote:
I got to school and no one was standing by my locker, or even put little notes in it.
When I got to school no one was standing by my locker, or even putting little notes in it.


Quote:
Maybe all of my surprises would come later.
“I though that perhaps all my surprise would come later.”


Quote:
I got a peck on the cheek from Cameron, it’s almost like he forgot that today was my last day.
Run-on sentence. Dash? But if you do, this could get a bit repetitive. So split, rephrase, whatever.


Quote:
We all know you aren’t moving.” He said pointing to all of our friends at the table.
We all know you aren’t moving,” he said, pointing to all of our friends at the table.


Quote:
My body froze.
Awkward: How about “I froze.”


Quote:
My friend Jessica, who must have over heard, said. “Genna
Over heard - overheard. Comma after “second”.


Quote:
Maybe you should work on that.” She added a smile then went back to her mindless chatter with the other girls.
Dialogue punctuation.


Quote:
So, the jerks all thought I was lying.
Hmm. I don’t think I like this sentence, you know?


Quote:
My heart was pounding a hundred times faster than usual and the tears were falling faster than I wished.
“faster than I wished” - I’m okay with the repetition, I guess, but I still think that this sounds awkward meaning-wise.


Quote:
It was so hard to see, I almost missed the group of kids standing close to my car.
Consider: “Because of that (…)”


Quote:
Maybe it was all my friends with presents and they would all say this was all just some stupid joke.
Consider: “I thought that perhaps (…)”


Quote:
One of the pot heads was my old friend from middle school.
Pot head, pot head. I get that. But it just looks odd repeated in this context.


Quote:
Her name is Monica and she saw me looking at her.
Was? Is? Times… Decide.


Quote:
She would be so pretty without the heavy eyelids due to some killer party the night before.
She would have been so pretty…


Quote:
I dress like her and probably listen to the same music as her, she is such an outcast and yet I am popular and have a lot of preppy friends.
Perhaps a commentary toward those loving friends?


Quote:
I was close to my car now and she left her crowd and stood by my door.
“(…) crowd to stand by my door”? Or something similar.


Quote:
So I hear you’re leaving town.” She said.
Dialogue punctuation.


Quote:
I put the key in the door, “Yeah, tomorrow.”
The above.


Quote:
“Was there something you wanted?” I almost spat at her.
Why? Enter inner monologue.


Quote:
She did a short nervous laugh, “I guess
Period, not comma. “did a laugh”?


Quote:
I guess this is going to be really weird but now that I know you are leaving I just wanted to tell you that I’ve missed being your friend and I hope I’m forgiven for kind of ditching you the first day our freshmen year.
Er… Commas. Commas….


Quote:
She laughed, it sounded a little forced.
Add: “though”. It’s runon as it is.


Quote:
I rolled my eyes and looked over to the cafeteria. I couldn’t see in the windows but I bet at least some one was looking.
Someone.


Quote:
They were probably looking at me like I was the devil, no; they would probably like me if I were the devil.
They were probably looking at me like I was the devil. No, they would probably like me if I were the devil.


Quote:
“Okay.” I said.
Dialogue punctuation.


Quote:
It took a lot of will power to start the car and drive away
Willpower.


Quote:
I wanted to actually get Monica’s number;
Reverse wording.


Quote:
Instead I went home and dealt with my father, he was mad because I skipped school.
Run-on. Dash or whatever.


Quote:
Beaufort Manor was a lot bigger than I would have imagined.
Could have.


Quote:
There was a long driveway leading up to the house before splitting to the side of the house where there is a two car garage and a small garden.
Na na na na na. See that? The tone of voice when reading this sentence never changes.


Quote:
When you pass the foyer the ceiling gets higher and there’s a chandelier hanging, it wasn’t one that you light candles on.
Awkward and run-on.


Quote:
I walked around the living room to the hall to another entrance but those doors where locked too.
Comma.


Quote:
There were already a ton of books on the shelves but he would find room for more.
Comma.


Quote:
I nodded, “Do you think they have any locksmiths in town?”
Dialogue punctuation.


Quote:
He started out of the library and down the hall, so I curiously followed him.
What, because he started out of the library?


Quote:
He opened the door and there was a woman standing there holding a cake
Awkward. Consider: “Behind the door (…)” or something similar.


Quote:
Not to mention how white her teeth were.
That sentence just floats around. Not good.


Quote:
I rocked back on my heels, why was her smile so impressive to me?
Run-on.


Quote:
“Hi. I’m Sabrina Avery. I live down the street.” She said thumbing behind her.
Dialogue punctuation.


Quote:
“I’m Genevieve.” I said with a wave.
Punctuation.


Quote:
This was looking good right about now.
Hmm?


Quote:
My dad opened the door wider, “Would you like to come in?”
Period.


Quote:
“Let me take that.” He said holding out his hands for the cake.
You know the drill.


Quote:
I nodded. “I’m sorry about that.” I said in a fake voice,
The above.


Quote:
She put her hand to her chest and widened her eyes, “That must have been terrible for you.”
Also the below tag.


Quote
I couldn’t find something else to put the cake on.
Anything.


Quote:
Her real smile was back and flirting with my father,
D.P.


Quote:
I felt that this conversation was no longer in need of my presence so I decided to go explore more of Beaufort.
Comma.


Quote:
I thought that I’d figure out what right door was, so I could avoid it at all times, who needs the extra color?
Hmm?


Quote:
There seemed to be more glass with that strange colored pattern in them as the outer walls of this room.
As much? More than? I don’t know what you wanted tio say.


Quote:
I went into the room on the left, the door was one of those swinging doors—that is an accident waiting to happen—and turned around and went out.
Runon/


Quote:
They seemed young so I didn’t want them to see me like this.
The above.


Quote:
He seemed familiar, a teenager, but I couldn’t place a name.
Cut interference that make the sentence awkward.


Quote:
So I left as fast as I could.
Cut first room.


Quote:
There was a small hall down to a bathroom that looked accessible from both rooms connected to it, which the second room looked like another bedroom
Hmm?


Quote:
Some of our boxes where in here
Were.


Quote:
When we were younger we played with them, I was the dinosaur sent from the past to destroy the universe.
Run on.


Quote:
I turned to look at the window but the faded maroon curtains at the far end of the hall didn’t seem to have moved.
Comma.


Quote:
He shrugged, “Old houses are like that.
Dialogue.


Quote:
Does he never want to see me so he’s putting me as far away as possible?
Er…


Quote:
I tried to walk into the room, but there was like an invisible shield blocking my path.
“there was like”?


Quote:
“We aren’t aloud in that room or the locked one down stairs.” Bailey called from the door of his room.
Dialogue.


Quote:
I got up and walked to the door but didn’t try to enter.
Comma.

Quote:
I told him that it was one of the rules but he won’t listen.”
Comma.


Quote:
I looked at Bailey, “What rules?”
Dialogue.


Quote:
Now I know why my father wanted me up here, it was like my own apartment.
Run-on.


Quote:
On Monday, I had a hard time getting out of bed.
No comma.


Quote:
It wasn’t just because of the strange dream I had, it was because I had to go to school. I
Run on. Next sentence: last part awkward.


Quote:
Bailey kept fidgeting in his seat, he must have been nervous.
Run-on.


Quote:
Off to Big Records the South Dakota office, that is now his new wife and family.
Rephrase.


Quote:
. Which I knew his hope was wasted for me anyway, good luck tended to avoid me.
Rephrase.


Quote:
Which is completely opposite of any other school system that I’ve ever heard of.
Stop starting sentences with “which is”


Quote:
As I had promised, I left Bailey at the front of the building which was crawling with little kids.
Part after comma - rephrase/


Quote:
Finding my school wasn’t difficult it was a half a mile down from the elementary school.
Run on. Next sentence: “like everything else”?


Quote:
. A lot of the cars where really old and by the looks of things they, were falling apart.
No comma.


Quote:
My Volvo, at my old school would have been the average teenager’s first car, stuck out like a sore thumb.
Contemplate upon the commas.


Quote:
Stepping out of my car a cool breeze made me shiver.
Rephrase. Run on? I don’t know. Do something with this/


Quote:
School hadn’t started, yet there was no one in sight.
Logical, no? Hmm. Or other meaning, but then clear this out.


Quote:
There were a few large plants, they were green and like vines, no flowers
?


Quote:
I expected I would be a topic of gossip because of the smallness of the town.
Enter Bella Swan.


Quote:
“You only have one actual teacher but five classes
Awkward. Dialogue, yes, but still. Commas before “but”?


Quote:
Sit where ever you want,
Wherever.


Quote:
“I’m Cassandra.” She said in a small voice.
D.P.


Quote:
“Genevieve.” I said with a smile.
The above.


Quote:
. “They are kind of shy.” She said with a nervous laugh. “
D.P.


Quote:
“I have Ms. Avery in room seventeen.” I said
D.P.


Quote:
Her eyes widened, “Are you a nerd or something?” she asked. Well that shot her ‘nice enough’ out the window.
D.P. Why?


Quote:
So I quickly made up a lie and I shook my head,
Period.


Quote:
My dad is an over achiever
Overachiever.


Quote:
“Now he is a nerd.”
Now COMMA.


Quote:
There were plenty of boys like that at my old school that I never paid attention to
Rephrase.


Quote:
He wasn’t wearing a sweater vest like most ‘nerds’ but he looked like an average guy with jeans and an old t-shirt.
Comma.


Quote:
If I don’t laugh they may not think I’m cool, they might think I’m a nerd like Peter
Run on/.


Quote:
“I have friend named Jessica from Adams.” I said
D.P.


Quote:
Cassandra didn’t let Jessica reply before she went off about how much better Hazelton is than Adams, like she’s been there.
“before” - awkward.


Er…. You do the rest. I promise you I’ll give you the non grammar critique sometime, but right now my head hurts ._.

Seriously, I really enjoy this story. It is so real and so perfect. Like everything you talk about is so relatable. The flow is really nice and the conversations life-like.

Gosh, I wish I had suggestions for you but I really don’t. Sorry

It’s just it’s really good and I can’t wait to read more!

interesting.

so her friends don't believe she is moving, but she moves.

people are already calling her a nerd and then...

there damien. i must say that you have my attention for this story.

jasmine-
So what happened to Genna's dream 'boy'? I really wanted to know more about him and well, the dream. But I guess I'll have to read on.
I thought it was kind of odd that Mrs.Avery actually welcomed herself at the house. I don't think people do that anymore. But I don't know.
That was really mean what her friends thought of her. A liar. And her new "friends" seem the same but a tad bit more nicer.
Is Genna ever going to make friends that are at least nice to her?
Oh, what I really liked about this chapter is those locked rooms. And her brother talking about "he." Ugh! Will Genna ever figure about the rooms, and the "he" {which I totally think is the boy in her dream}?
Enough said for now...of I go for chapter 3.
-Merry
~I'm really liking this.~

Thanks for all the help and for being patient with my 'then's and 'than's and all of the typos. I edited it like crazy today. I'll get the third chapter up soon.

But this is what really happened.

My heart was pounding a hundred times faster then usual and the tears were falling faster than I wished.

The student parking lot was deserted except for the cars, obviously.

“They are all ass wholes and I couldn’t care less what they thought.”

Beaufort Manor was a lot bigger than I would have imagined.

It wasn’t one that you actually light candles on, must be part of the renovations.

That is cool.

My father must have noticed her beauty too because he seemed nervous.

When I said my name, a gust of wind tousled my hair as if it were playing with it

I felt that this conversation was no longer in need of my prescience so I decided to go explore more of Beaufort.

There is just something unethical about it that makes it seem wrong to do.

I haven’t noticed any creaking floor boards, so I think we are good.”

On Monday I had a hard time getting out of bed.

And it wasn’t just because of the strange dream I had, it was because I had to go to school today.

A tree!

I smiled and so did he. He seemed more relaxed then before.

My Volvo, yet at my old school would have been the average teenager’s first car, stuck out like a sore thumb.

She had long dark brown hair and she wore a skirt that was just a smidge to short for her long tan legs.

That would have been the ideal last day. But this is what really happened.

His bed had already be disassembled along

It rang all throughout the house.

He started out of the library and down the hall, I curiously followed him.

I felt that this conversation was no longer in need of my prescience

so I decided to go explore more of Beaufort. So beyond the library and mystery door number one, the hall ended in the dinning room.

I thought that I’d figure out what right door was, so I could avoid it at all times, who needs the extra color? There seemed to be more glass with that strange colored pattern in them as the outer walls of this room. In the middle of the floor was a white wicker furniture set that included a love seat, a single seat, and a coffee table. There were a couple of plants on small tables scattered among the room. It must be some sort of green room.

I went into the room on the left, the door was one of those swinging doors—that is an accident waiting to happen—and turned around and went out. It was a kitchen and there were three guys just sitting around the counter. They seemed pretty young so I didn’t want them to see me like this.

And his monster truck saved the day.

There was an old vanity in the room before that I wanted and I have my desk.

And it wasn’t just because of the strange dream I had,

Where do bananas come from?

A tree!

that is now his new wife and family.

But all three entrances wouldn’t budge.

I didn’t want to be early to school, but I had to get Bailey to school first. Which is completely opposite of any other school system that I’ve ever heard of.

And plus I didn’t want to be in this creepy house anymore.

My Volvo, yet at my old school

School hadn’t started, yet there was no one in sight.

Do all women in this town grow up like this? Is there no hope for me then?

Your homeroom is in room seventeen but your class is room twenty.

Today you have gym, but I high doubt Mrs. Stone would make you participate.

But at Hazleton High there were four hallways that end up joining to a square surrounding a yard with trees and overgrown shrubs.

Did she know is fall?

They each waved when she said their name. And they were dressed similar to her except they were smart and wearing pants.

I said looking at the one that waved

Cassandra didn’t let Jessica reply before she went off

Hesitantly I went to her.

with students at all different ages.

She was about the same height as my five foot five inches.

But I forgot their names as soon as she said them.

We sat at a full table and she introduced me to more people that included boys.

I almost gasped when I remember where I saw him before.

Right before the bell rang; he leaned over Cassandra and looked at me, “You’re Genna, right?”

I gulped. “Yeah.”

End Chapter Two

He was a middle aged man that was balding a little in the back. He seemed like a nice guy. I handed him a piece of paper for him to sign.