z

Young Writers Society



Untouched Ch 6

by jasmine12


EDIT

Chapter Six

I started noticing a pattern. Every time some one said my name, there would be a random breeze. My father started to notice the draft too, but I didn’t tell him that I thought it was connected to me. I tried to talk to Bailey about it, but he continued to say that he was behind everything ‘supernatural’ in the house.

At dinner one night, I offered up the idea for a witch doctor. I heard about them, they get rid of the evil spirits in your house. Later my father dismissed the idea and he said it was wrong to encourage such things in front of Bailey.

I’ve been having a hard time sleeping the past few weeks. It was probably because I have gotten to know Damien and started to crush on him. I’ve been trying to get away from Cassandra’s little crew because Peter’s was so much more interesting. We would walk to our classroom together after homeroom everyday and we would talk about bands and our favorite movies.

The downside is the more I got to know Peter, the less I knew about Damien. We only had chaperoned conversations with either Jessica or Heather. They always looked bored with our conversations that were mostly about school. Heather and Jessica were sent by Cassandra to make sure Damien was being a good boy.

It was Saturday night. I stayed up just looking at the thin fabric that I put on my bed for the canopy. It was a different shade of purple then my quilt was, but still dark enough to tick my father off. He never really liked the whole ‘punk’ phase. My father and brother went to bed hours ago and yet I still heard the murmur of a male voice from downstairs. I got up to investigate, in hopes to get rid of the insomnia.

As I went down the stairs, the voice got louder, but I still couldn’t make out the source. It didn’t sound like the TV or coming from either bedroom. I went down to the first floor. The locked door was open a crack letting a line of light pass through. A dancing light twirled on the floor. My heart sank. Why would anyone be up this late, or in this room?

I pushed the sliding door to the left and stopped breathing. The fireplace was lit as were several candles among the room. Like the rest of the house, the room was full of antique couches and tables, but this room had a grand piano at the far end of the room.

There, standing where I have seen him stand several times before, was the boy with tousled brown hair. He was looking into the fire, staring into it as if it hurt him some how.

You’d think that this would be bad, having someone in my house. I shouldn’t be weirded out because this is just a dream. There was no way this is even possible because that would mean I’m like psychic or something for seeing him in my dreams, right?

He didn’t notice as I walked into the room and sat on the familiar red couch. A cloud of dust appeared around me as it did with him in my dream and I coughed then laughed. When he didn’t turn to me, I did a more deliberate cough. He hung his head and sighed.

It hit me then, before in my dreams I could only see him, I couldn’t interact with him or touch him. I sighed then.

“Why are you doing this to me?” he asked in a metallic voice. I jumped when he spoke.

“I-I don’t know what you mean.” I said, tripping over my own words.

He didn’t answer. Could he be talking to himself? He turned to the couch opposite me and sat down. He didn’t look at me but put his face in his hands.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

He looked up at me then. Like before, he was glad to see me and his eyes pierced right through me. “You can really see me?” he asked.

My head tilted to the side. “Are you serious?” I asked.

He didn’t reply, but waited patiently for me to answer him, “Obviously I can see you. I don’t think I would be talking to you if I couldn’t.”

He nodded, “That’s true.” He stood up and started pacing. “Curious,” escaped his lips then he looked back at me. “Maybe be cause you look so much like her.”

My heart sank. “I’ve seen you before,” I almost whispered. He stopped walking and his eyes tightened. I was surprised at how comfortable I was with him. “Upstairs in the spare bedroom is a picture of you next to the bed. Why would I dream about this,” I gestured to the room around us. “Why would I dream about you before I even knew what you looked like? Maybe I really am psychic. ”

He chuckled. “I have a theory about that.” He got excited and sat back across from me then frowned. “You think you’re dreaming.” It wasn’t a question, but an assumption.

“Well, that’s the only rational explanation, don’t you think?”

He shrugged, “That brings us back to my theory.” He stood, grabbed a picture frame off the mantle, put it in front of me on the coffee table, then sat down.

I picked up the frame that looked like it was made of gold. The girl in the picture was very young but the picture itself had to be fifty years old. She had long dark hair down to her waist, and she was smiling but it didn’t really touch her eyes that were a pale blue or green. She had a round, almost heart shaped, face. “This looks like…” I couldn’t continue what I was going to say. The resemblance was unbelievable.

“She looks like you.” He mused, “That is Susan when she was your age.”

I looked up at him, “Our age.”

He frowned, “That judgment is completely up to you.”

“Again, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He looked away from me, to the floor, the walls, everywhere but my eyes. “I guess the best way to explain it is to tell you the whole story.” He paused, “But first I should apologize for earlier. My name is Jasper.”

What an odd name. “Hello, Jasper.” I said with a sheepish smile.

“Pleasure to finally meet you, Genevieve.” He smiled and I was glad he played along. “About fifty three years ago, your Great Aunt Sue met me.” He looked at me and waited for something to change in my expression.

“Fifty three?” I asked.

He nodded, “Yes. She and I went to school together. She just moved here from New York when we were seventeen. Back when the town was a lot more alive then what I have heard it is today. She and her sister, Isabella, lived here with their mother. Sue had a boyfriend when I finally got the courage to ask her on a date. It broke my heart.”

“That’s so sad.” I said just remembering all of the text messages from Cameron that I received all week and deleted.

“Oh, I was devastated, but I ended up walking her home that day. We became the best of friends. We spent every day together. ” He picked up the frame and looked at it. I suddenly felt self conscious because I look just like her, but he didn’t look at me like that.

“She was unlike any other girl I’ve ever seen, met, read about, or seen on TV. Her boyfriend didn’t like me at all. He absolutely loathed me. He would actually follow us home just waiting for me to make a move on her so could kill me, or attempt to anyway. But I never did. She said that we were friends and I respected that.”

Jasper opened his mouth but quickly shut it. “Go on.” I pushed, truly intrigued.

“No, you need to go back to bed now.” I set my jaw, “Now’s not the best time to be stubborn. Your father will be down here soon.” I heard shuffling upstairs.

“When will I see you again?” I asked. I sounded a little more desperate then I wanted to.

“In your dreams.” He winked.

I smiled and left the room but quickly ran back in. He hadn’t moved from the couch. “Can I go in the library tomorrow?” I asked. He was about to object but I put my hand up, “I won’t hurt anything. Trust me.” I said sincerely.

He smiled. “It’s all yours. Oh, tell Bailey ‘he’ says thanks.”

“For what?”

In a movement to fast for my eyes to follow, Jasper disappeared, the fire and all the candles went out and the room was dark. “Jasper?” I called.

Next to me, I felt a cold breeze. “Shh.” He whispered into my ear. Then the doors closed and I was looking at the wooden door.

Behind me, someone came trudging down the stairs. “You’re up kind of early,” my father said, walking down the hall.

“You know how I like my sun rises.” I said sarcastically.

”Humph.” My father said as he went into the kitchen scratching his head.

It was then I noticed how tired I really was. I ran up to my room and flopped on my bed. I whispered his name once before falling into a deep sleep. And for once in about a month, I didn’t dream of anything.


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842 Reviews


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Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:34 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Another amazing chapter! I never would have guessed that outcome…holy cow you are good! :D

But I do think that Genna’s reaction to Damien being a vampire and stuff just was too cool to understand. If that would have been me, I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction, you know? I mean, she doesn’t have to do that, of course, but at least make it more realistic.

Otherwise, keep up the good work!




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Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:09 pm
alwaysawriter wrote a review...



Hi Jasmine. It's been three weeks or so since you requested I review your chapters. Sorry if I'm harsh.

“even more so, now that I’m living there.”
"Even more so, now that I'm living there."

Jasper was a small town freak, he didn’t have any friends no one would miss him.

Jasper was a small town freak with no friends and no one that would miss him.

She loved him, not like he loved her though, but as a friend.


Some one so young can’t change another,
Someone is one word.

So you can accept that Jasper’s half dead but it can’t be possible for me to be a vampire.
There should be a queston mark at the end because it's a question.

“she definitely keeps life interesting.”
"She definitely keeps life interesting."

Maybe if another vampire bit him again, and actually did it right, he could turn.”
He could turn what? I know that he could turn human but you may want to say that; it sounds like you left off a word otherwise.

“Would you at least consider it, please.”
Question mark at the end because it's a question.

“you want me to do it? Are you crazy?”
"You want me to do it? Are you crazy?"

Overall comments/suggestions:

Your grammar could use a little work but that's a simple fix.

He wasn’t a vampire, Jasper wasn’t half dead, and I wasn’t falling apart.
xD. :)

This chapter was not as good as the rest because it seemed to be kind of the falling action. With all the other surprises you've come out of nowhere with, I wasn't all that surprised that Damien isn't human. He's the last person I expected to be a vampire but it wasn't surprising, all the same.

Other than those things, I can't really find anything else to say, so I'll read and review the next chapter within a few hours. :)

PM me for anything at all.

-alwaysawriter




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Sun Aug 31, 2008 8:40 pm
jasmine12 says...



Okay, so I was bored out of my mind today.
I am sick and couldn't go out. So I was looking up different actors and actresses that I thought fit the part of my characters. Here's what I've come up with

Genna- Nina Dobrev
Jasper-Robert Pattinson
Cassandra-Megan Fox
Peter-Jackson Rathbone
Bailey-Daniel Mangler
Her father-(I couldn't find his name) Roman from Days of our lives.
Damien- Jeremy Sumpter
Heather- Rachel Melvin
Jessica (from Adams high)-Alex Johnson
Jessica (From Hazleton high)-Ashley Leggal
Ms Avery- Portia de Rossi
Genna's mom- Holly Marie Combs (She may or may not actually have a part in this. Who knows)

If you agree or disagree let me know or if you had some one else in mind. I'd love to hear who. I was just having some fun with this.




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Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:57 pm
Merry_Haven wrote a review...



jasmine-
Whoa, wait a minute there. Damien's a vampire? I would have never guessed. Yet, I read on...
So Damien no Nigel was really there at the accident? That's so weird.
Jasmine, I don't really have any complaints on ch. 6. Besides being just amazing!
I totally love this story. You are so good at this. writing, I mean.
well, off I go...
-Merry
~pm me when you post chapter 7.~




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Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:45 pm
CastlesInTheSky wrote a review...



YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY :D Chapter 6 is out!!!!! :elephant:


“Nigel,” he looked up at me but my façade didn’t falter.

Good word choice but the use of two 'f's makes it a bit too alliterative. If that's what you were aiming for, keep it, if not, replace 'falter.'

Inside I was panicking. “Cool nick name.”

Nickname is one word.

Damien said his name so easily, as if they were acquainted.

Repetition of the word Damien. But then, if you said 'he', it would get mixed up with the 'his' in the sentence, so just leave it in. Agh, I'm so confusing.

“No!” He spat, “Stones tried to save him.

"No!" he spat. "Stones tried to save him.

(Just rephrased the clauses.)

“That’s not what happened,” he almost whispered. “So, he’s really alive up there?” He stared at me again, and his eyes twinkled in the florescent lighting.

It's spelt "fluorescent" :D

“Yes,” I whispered, “even more now that I’m living there.”

I think that "even more so , now that I'm living there," would flow better. personal opinion, don't have to take it, :D

He beckoned me to do the same.

He beckoned for me to do the same

“Can you keep a secret? It’s very crucial that you don’t repeat a word that I say, even to Jasper.”

Don't say 'very' because crucial is dramatic enough not to need a superlative.

Despite myself, I burst out laughing. The extreme serious atmosphere must have been getting to my head, because I couldn’t stop laughing.

"extremely" instead of "extreme?"

“Oh! So you can accept that Jasper’s half dead but it can’t be possible for me to be a vampire. I didn’t know you were prejudice against vampires.”

"prejudiced" not "prejudice"


He took me into his arms, but they weren’t soft. He was like a statue, cold and solid. I didn’t care. I just cried in his arms as if everything was normal.

Good show of emotions.

He wasn’t a vampire, Jasper wasn’t half dead, and I wasn’t falling apart.

Love this :D


And ‘de Nile’ is just a river in Egypt.

Very good, just look out for that conjunction :wink:

I backed away from Damien—Uh I guess Nigel—looking up at his eyes.

Bit clunky, try, "I backed away from Damien - Well, Nigel - as I looked at his eyes.

They were pleading, begging, for me not to be afraid.

No need for the comma after begging




Great stuff, I'm impressed.

Good Luck and as always,

Keep Writing!

Sarah





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