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Young Writers Society



Untouched Ch 4

by jasmine12


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Chapter Four

What Rules?

He opened his mouth about to say something but the doorbell rang. It rang all throughout the house. “That’s probably the movers. They moved one thing and took a break.” He started out of the library and down the hall, so I curiously followed him.

He opened the door and to a woman standing there holding a cake. She was tall and blonde and her smile was huge. It must have touched her ears. Not to mention how white her teeth were. I rocked back on my heels. Why was her smile so impressive to me?

“Hi. I’m Sabrina Avery. I live down the street,” she said thumbing behind her.

I could tell my father noticed her beauty because he seemed nervous. He held out his hand to her and she fumbled with the cake to hold it with one hand. It was tipping over, and I wanted to see if she would let it fall. “I’m Travis Caine.” She jerked her hand back to catch the cake right before it toppled over. Darn.

“I’m Genevieve,” I said with a wave. I didn’t want another close call with that cake, which was looking tasty right about now.

When I said my name, a gust of wind tousled my hair as if it were playing with it.

“Yes, Genevieve, I’ve heard that you were coming. I’m going to be your teacher.”

My dad opened the door wider. “Would you like to come in?” he asked. She nodded and walked through the door. “Let me take that,” He said, holding out his hands for the cake. She gave it to him and walked down the hall to what I think is the kitchen.

Awkward moment. I rocked back on my heels again and asked, “What subject do you teach?”

“All of them. We don’t have enough teachers, or students for that matter, to change classes every period.”

“Just like elementary school.” I didn’t say it as a question and she knew that I was looking down on her school.

She forced a smile, “You have been put in an honors class. I teach the same subjects at the same level as your old school. Trust me, you will like Hazelton High.” Her smile faded when I wasn’t buying it. “There is no reason for our friendship to be unpleasant, Genevieve.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry about that,” I said in a fake voice, “You have to be patient with me. At my old school, my teacher didn’t even know my name, never the less be my friend.”

She put her hand to her chest and widened her eyes. “That must have been terrible for you.”

I nodded, “I guess I’ll see you on Monday. I have a lot of unpacking to do.”

My father came back down the hall. What took him so long? “Sorry about that, Ms. Avery. I couldn’t find anything else to put the cake on. Do you mind if we borrow your plate?”

Her real smile was back and flirting with my father. “Keep it for as long as you want.”

I felt that this conversation was no longer in need of my presence, so I decided to go explore more of Beaufort. I found that beyond the library and mystery door number one, the hall ended in the dinning room. The dinning room seemed to be in between two other rooms. The light was pouring through the door on the right, but little light came from the door on the left.

I thought that I’d figure out what right door was, so I could avoid it at all times. Who needs the extra color? There seemed to be more glass windows with that strange colored pattern in them as the outer walls of this room. In the middle of the floor was a white wicker furniture set that included a love seat, a single seat, and a coffee table. There were a couple of plants on small tables scattered among the room. It must be some sort of green room.

I went into the room on the left. The door was one of those swinging doors—that is an accident waiting to happen—and turned around and went out. It was a kitchen and there were three guys just sitting around the counter. They were all wearing t-shirts with huge sweat stains that wringed around their necks and arm pits. They seemed young; I didn’t want them to see me like this. They were probably those lazy movers my father had mentioned.

Next, I went up the stairs. It was very open, like the hall downstairs. Right across the hall from the stairs was a bedroom with antique furniture in it. On a night stand, there was a picture frame with a boy in it. He seemed familiar, very attractive, but I couldn’t place a name. It must have been Great Aunt Sue’s room. So I left as fast as I could. Would we move her things? There is just something unethical about it.

A small hall led to a bathroom that looked accessible from both bedrooms. Some of our boxes were in here, and I could tell by how they are marked that my father picked this to be his bedroom. I went to the next bedroom that was at the end of the hall. Bailey was sitting on the floor surrounded by a bunch of boxes. He was playing with a dinosaur and a monster truck. When we were younger we played with them. I was the dinosaur sent from the past to destroy the universe. His monster truck saved the day.

He looked up at me and smiled. “Remember these?” he asked holding the toys up.

I walked over to where he sat and picked up the dinosaur. It had encountered many defeats in its day, and you could see the damage in its half gnawed off face and missing tail. The truck wasn’t so sore; it only had some chipped paint. I laughed out loud and another gust of wind came flying through the door. I turned to look at the window, but the faded maroon curtains at the far end of the hall didn’t seem to have moved.

“Have you noticed that this house is freaking cold?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “Old houses are like that. I haven’t noticed any creaking floor boards, so I think we’re good.” He laughed. I smiled and put the dinosaur back down. “Dad says your room is upstairs.”

Another floor? “I see.” Of course, he would forsaken me to a different floor.

I walked out of his room and towards the next room. It was another library with walls and walls of books. A modern table looked out of place with books stacked on it in the middle of the floor. I tried to walk into the room, but there was an invisible shield blocking my path. I tried again but an electric shock went through my body knocking me on my ass.

“We aren’t aloud in that room or the locked one down stairs,” Bailey called from the door of his room. “It’s one of the rules.”

I got up and walked to the door, but didn’t try to enter. How is it even possible? “Has dad been up here?” I asked.

“Yeah, he did the same thing as you. I told him that it was one of the rules, but he won’t listen.”

I looked at Bailey. “What rules?”

“The rules that we have been given to live here. We don’t own this place, it’s not ours. He is letting us live here because he needs the company.” He walked into his room and shut the door.

I tilted my head to the side like a confused puppy. “He is just trying to scare me.” I said under my breath. If there really was a person that didn’t want us going in these rooms, why wasn’t this one locked? Maybe I was just imagined getting electrocuted.

My bedroom was huge! I had my own bathroom, living room area, a walk in closet the size of my bedroom at my old house, and a canopy bed. There was an old vanity in the room that was left and I wanted to keep along with my desk. I have a couch and TV in the middle of the room and I have another antique couch and sitting chair in between the closet and bathroom. Now I know why my father wanted me up here. It was like my own apartment.


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Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:32 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Genna has seizures?? Oh gosh, that was a shock…but a good one. It really shows us what kind of person she is and how strong she is. Nice touch! :D It really helps the reader feel for your MC.

Also, the thing with Jasper is just so cute. He seems like such a sweetie…the only thing with the murder is that you could have made that more passionate. He seems so okay with his death, like it doesn’t even bother him anymore. Why is that? And doesn’t he still love Sue?? I would go into more detail about that.

Otherwise, keep up the good work!

On to chapter 5>>>>




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Sun Sep 14, 2008 7:30 pm
Night Mistress wrote a review...



the only thing i found wrong was:

1) what with the seizure? and her meds? you should go into detial about that.

but other than that, everything seems fine now. so this is what i am getting for this chapter. Jasper and Genna are getting closer. Peter wanted to go out with her. cameron still can't let go. Bailey just being himself and her father gone for the weekend.

this kind of reminds me of casper for some odd reason. i like it. i am off to read other one.




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Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:04 pm
alwaysawriter wrote a review...



Hi Jasmine, here as promised.

A small part of me wanted to shut my eyes, run past the doors up to my room and pull the covers over my head.
There should be a comma after room because you already separated it from the rest of the sentence with a comma after Eyes so you should do the same.

But of course, the little voice inside my head told me I was just dreaming and to go along with what ever was behind that door.
But,of course... because you added Of Course in as sort of an interjection so there should be a comma there. Whatever is one word.

I reached for the door handle with exaggerated slowness, trying to clam my nerves.
I don't like this line; I think it's because of the two words Exaggerated Slowness. Maybe just try "I reached for the door handle slowly, trying to calm my nerves." ?

I stood there, not moving, for four deep breaths.
Eh, not a fan of this line either. Instead of saying four deep breaths, what about For A Few Moments?

“Why don’t you come in, Genevieve.”
Question mark instead of a period because she's asking a question.

All those deep breaths seemed wasted now because I stopped breathing all together.
I like this line. Only problem is there's something about the line with the four deep breaths that doesn't sound right...this is your call.

He was wearing his usual jeans with a plain black t-shirt that intensified his pallor. A color that I would never be able to pull off even if I lived in a cave and wore a lot of white foundation.
Combine these two sentences because it sounds like you stopped and started again.

“You never finished your explaining theory to me.”
I think you messed up the order of these words. Do you mean "You never finished explaining your theory to me."?

I wasn’t in his group of friends so I don’t know why that was his name.”
This sentence sounds a little bit rushed to me. Maybe slow it done and reword it with something like this "I never could figure out why they called them that; I wasn't in his group of friends."?

“I have a theory about that too, but I will share that for another time.”
The last few words in the sentence don't make much sense. Maybe you mean "..save that for another time."?

“She was naturally beautiful it was hard to look at her without my mind going completely blank.”
I think you missed a word here. Maybe So after Beautiful?

“Genna! I am so glad I go a hold of you. I was getting worried.”
got

I took a shower after, a long warm shower.
I don't understand this sentence; you said that she took a shower twice.

I wasn’t wearing any cloths but I was decently wrapped in my sheets.
Clothing not cloths.

Some one from the edge of my bed cleared his throat and I shot up.
Someone is one word.

“Yeah,” is said, wiping my arms that were thick in sweat,
Whose Is?

He smiled, “yes!” he said, eagerly.
Y in Yes should be capitalized.

Overall comments/suggestions

It seems to me that you switched tenses a few times in the story. You may want to look back over that.

He shook his head. “Me,” he said, ignoring my comment.
I like this line. So, is Jasper falling for the MC?

There were a few typos you made so it may be a good idea to look over before you post it.

I'm interested to see how everything turns out.

PM me for anything at all. :)

-alwaysawriter




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Fri Aug 29, 2008 5:12 pm
Merry_Haven wrote a review...



jasmine-
I am totally loving Jasper! He is so romantic when he was with Genna in that room. Man, he's so dreamy.
So what's with Genna and the seizure? And she takes meds? I like to know more about that.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to chapter five!
-Merry
~pm me when five is up.~




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Wed Aug 27, 2008 8:14 pm
jasmine12 says...



I thought the first paragraph sounded kind of choppy, but I'm gald it didn't.
I think we should banish conjunctions from the English language. It would make things easier, wouldn't it?
The next chapter should be shorter. Thank you for your help!!! :D




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Wed Aug 27, 2008 4:33 pm
CastlesInTheSky wrote a review...




A small part of me wanted to shut my eyes, run past the doors up to my room and pull the covers over my head. A very small part of me.
The other part of me wanted to throw the doors open and confront the situation head on. But of course, the little voice inside my head told me I was just dreaming and to go along with what ever was behind that door. The dream world is inevitable.


Okay. This was beautifully phrased. I mean, you say that you have gramatical problems but this is probably the most beautifully constructed thing you've written so far. It's lovely and it really flows. Well done! Oh yeah, just one thing - coooonjuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunction. "But of course"

Yeah, I know. Those evil things that no matter how hard we try, we cannot avoid. We will prevail, my friend!

All those deep breaths seemed waisted now because I stopped breathing all together.

'waisted' should be spelt 'wasted.'

He was wearing his usual jeans with a plain black t-shirt that intensified his pallor.

I love the 'intensified his pallor' bit. It's little descriptions like those that make a story.

He was sitting on the couch, as if he never moved from the last time I saw him.

I think the right grammar would be "he was sitting on the couch, as if he had never moved from the last time I saw him".

I couldn’t be sure, what with the shadows on one side of his face and all, but he seemed to be smiling.

The whole 'what with' bit sounds too colloquial for the more poetic aspect of this chapter. Nix it and try something like this "I couldn't be sure because of the shadows on one side of his face, but he seemed to be smiling.

Something I’ve never seen him do.

Something I'd never seen him do (tenses!)

He was sitting back with both arms flung out, resting on the back of the couch. “To what do I owe this pleasure?” he asked, definitely smiling.

I think a better way to end it would be like this "...this pleasure?" he asked. He was definitely smiling.


I shifted my weight and leaned against the door. I was feeling oddly confident in myself. “You never finished your theory.”

"You never finished explaining your theory" makes more sense.

“Ah.” He said, leaning on his elbows now. “Where do I begin?” he asked mostly himself.

"Ah," he said, leaning on his elbows. "Where do I begin?" (I don't understand the 'mostly himself' bit)

I brought my legs up and rested my chin on my knees patiently waiting for him to continue.

Comma after 'knees'.

Huh, that must be how I’m feeling right now. Palms clammy and the racing heart beat. “Some of the perks of falling in love.” I said sincerely.

Nicely put.


This was a very long chapter, but it was by far your best. A lot of the phrasing was beautiful and I only found a few tense problems this time. Well done :D





History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte